to keep from falling asleep at my desk (tres usual), I was drawing a pic of a tree that would be cool to have as a tattoo. I've always wanted a tattoo, but I can never decide what to get. I don't want more than one or two so there's a lot of pressure to make sure it's "the one." I don't want some tribal bullshit, and I don't want someone's initials or something silly and not permanent. sooooo I was thinking about getting a piece of art - a picasso sketch, or maybe a kandinsky painting, or van gogh. it will be expensive, and I'm not sure where I'd get it yet, but I think that would be the neatest thing. how permanent is that?? a classic piece of art...I think it would be beautiful. maybe the middle of my back? or my rib cage? maybe even my shoulder blade? I don't know, but as long as I get someone good to do it, it'll look amazing.

I cannot stay awake. I guess it wasn't the best idea to have that last glass of wine before I went to bed. I couldn't wake up this morning, either. I have been so tired lately. I just want to sleep at any opportunity throughout the day. I went for a run yesterday that was really great - almost an hour long. I haven't run like that since soccer. my legs were pissed at me, but my lungs felt great. kelly asked me how I can run like that. I don't really know; it's not like I'm in any kind of shape. I was in a bad mood though and I can run for days when I'm upset.

I am so tired of my yo-yo relationship. I feel like I'm single and sometimes this really great guy comes over, we have sex and enjoy each other, and then I'm single again. oh, wait, that's my relationship with steven. at this point, I'm ready to either move on or move forward - together. I hate that it comes down to an either-or situation, but what else am I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting for something better to happen between us. I'm waiting now for a reason to stay together. maybe he just needs time before he's ready to be a normal, functioning, mature adult boyfriend. take, for example, my dad being in the hospital. steven didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to comfort me, and instead of giving support, we got into a fight.

I just feel like I should cut my losses now and move on.

I'm getting frustrated again. I don't know how much longer I will last in my relationship - or lack thereof. I can't get past the weeks like this. I'm not one to wait around for someone to call me, but I don't appreciate not hearing from my boyfriend for days at a time. I'm sure there are things that are happening in his life that I'm not aware of, but that's just it: I don't have a clue what's going on with him. I typically look like an idiot when people ask about him because he doesn't share things with me. I don't want him to tell me everything, but nothing? only the bare bones? pick up the goddamn phone. stop by sometime. spend as much time with me through the week as you do playing softball.

I get so sick of this. I don't want to continuously explain myself to other people who don't understand my relationship. I don't always understand my relationship. telling people about us is way too much opportunity for introspection, and I'm not really up for it. sometimes I know in my heart that we're supposed to be together, but then other times I think, "what the hell are we doing?" I want so much more than what's willing to give me, and it's always been this way. I never wanted my relationship to be easy, but for fuck's sake! I'm constantly playing hide-and-seek with my expectations with him.

I can't stand when my friends are constantly around their significant others, or when they're consumed with their relationships, or when they spend all of their time together, but on some levels I'm extremely jealous of them. why can't he call me at the drop of a hat? doesn't he think about me all day? doesn't he want to be around me, to see me, to even bother me? I find myself having to play a cat-and-mouse game (when not playing hide-and-seek....ha) with him: I get mad when he doesn't call me, we fight a little, he still doesn't call me; then I give up, don't call him for a while because I'm fed up and tired of making all the moves; he then calls me, realizing that he missed me (imagine!) and that he hadn't taken the time out of his day(s) to talk to his longtime girlfriend.

it's tiring, and these days I'm not really up for it. I no longer doubt that he loves me and cares for me, but he taught me a long time ago that love won't solve everything. maybe he still isn't ready for me. maybe that's yet another cop out. I know if we take a break (AGAIN) I'll miss him, but I miss him now. when I start my new job, that might be a rude awakening for him. I won't be around like I was, and I'll be traveling most of the time. when, then, will I be there for him? he'll start depending on his friends a lot more which, at this point, isn't all that unusual.

ugh. I am so sick of this shit. I wish we could just work it out. I wish I felt like I was worth his time, but I don't always feel that way. god this is frustrating.

I am so tired today. I think my body is getting worn out lately. I went to bed last night around 10pm, woke up, and took a shower. I felt exceptionally tired in the shower and didn't know why - till I looked at my clock and realized I had only slept 1 1/2 hrs. I was taking a shower at 1130 at night! I don't know what woke me up or set me off, but I was all about getting ready and going to work.

ana was late again today. she came in when I was done sorting the scripts and running all the rundowns. now there is less than 3 min before we air, and she just got up from her computer...to get a cup of coffee. I just wish she wasn't so optimistic or rude - what ever the driving force is behind her tardy behavior. she will just barely make it to do the preview.

I don't really need to worry about this much because I HAVE A JOB. I finally got a job with an admissions dept at a school, so I'll be traveling, meeting new people every day, I'll have fabulous benefits, and they pay pretty well.

ok sidenote, one of the writers used to be fun till lately. now I just want to punch her in the face. why is she a bitch?? seems like the kind of person who, as a kid, would take her barbies and run if you pissed her off; or stomp, piss and moan andkick you out of HER house if things didn't go her way.

I'm literally just typing and bitching because I am so tired. I only need something to keep me awake for the time being. I have a big lump on my forehead from the other day when I was cleaning equipment at the gym.

if this one bitch tells me my business one more time, I might shank her.


in other news, my dad is supposed to come home today, though I really don't think he's ready to. donna is a complete idiot and will probably not be helpful to him at all, and my grandma (while behaving rather well considering the circumstances) has only a little bit of breathing room before she likely becomes unreasonable. my dad will be in outpatient care for a while, but that's not going to fix the fact that he can't stand, sit up or do anything on his own. why would we want to risk him falling already? and he needs a lot more nourishment (via food and supplements), so don't the doctors want to monitor his nutritional intake? lastly, if he was bad enough to put himself in the hospital after his stint at being home, then why does anyone think he's ok enough to sustain his well-being a little over a week after checking in??? alcoholism doesn't just GO AWAY, in case they didn't get the memo!!!

to top it all off, who is to say that donna isn't dumping that shit down his throat? and she has no idea how to take care of him, nor does she show any inclination to maintain a lifestyle that's healthy enough to keep my dad alive. she doesn't know any other way to cope! will she just revert back to her old ways? there is no feasible way we can assume that she is in the right state of mind when she's been drinking, so I can imagine that she'll likely give him a drink when he instead needs professional help.

I hate this whole situation. it's killing kristin because she feels really guilty that she didn't recognize the signs of how bad it really is. his nutritional state is so bad that the damage is irreversible. though we know it's not her fault, we can't fully convince her. I would probably feel the same way which is an unfortunate reality of being children of an alcoholic. I'm going to call her today to see how she is doing and to try and give her as much support as possible. she really needs it.

I've been thinking about possibly writing my memoirs, perhaps masked in the form of a novel. I wouldn't want my family to read it necessarily, but I think it would be a funny play-on of suburbanite life - and the non-secrets that no one really talks about (if that makes any sense). I need to start sometime in the hopes of finishing it before I DIE. then I might be able to finally support my family like I always wanted to. I don't know....we'll see I hope.

I'm going to drink my free starbucks and try not to shank the bitch in ENG so I can finish out my shift. have a lovely day :)

my dad is still in the hospital. he's been there nearly a week, and he now at least recognizes a couple of us kids on the phone. he's still in really bad shape, but now he's in the psych ward in wentzville. I hope there he can get a little more help than at LSL.

at this point in the most destructive phase of his life thus far, he might not have a lot of chance for recovery. he might always be crazy, mumble his words, and remain disoriented in reality. he's totally malnourished and may never be able to hold a real conversation again. when we were sitting him up and trying to make him more comfortable, I could see the skin hanging on his back. his pants won't stay on his hips, and I can't get the image of his pained, thin face from my mind.

I haven't made my dad a big part of my life these last four years, mostly because he hasn't made me a big part of his. well, maybe that's just a cop-out. I suppose I grew tired of playing the role of confidante, friend and information-giver (about my mom), and I wanted my dad back. he has never been the same since the split; there has since always been an underlying level of sadness I don't think was possible to permeate. his battle with substances was a constant. I don't think he believed he could go through a day without trying to fix the pain of life with the numbing power of booze or painkillers.

I hate to see my dad, who was once so vital, funny, alive, active and intelligent, become a bump in a bed. he can barely talk, and the other day could not sit up in bed without help. how did this happen? how did he get so bad? when did he die and maintain a heartbeat at the same time? I told steven that I sometimes want him dead because I don't want him to suffer through this pain anymore. I hate that I feel that way, but where did my dad go? it's not for me; it's for him. why put him through any more of this misery?

my grampa said that he read a book that said if one takes an tragedy very hard, it's that much easier to recover because the body does its best to repair itself. I don't think my dad has the ability to recover himself, especially after four years of straight self-destruction. he's been calling out my mom's name in his sleep almost constantly which breaks my heart. he can't let her go. he can't let anything go.

I want so badly to relieve my dad of his pain. yesterday held the first moment of hope for me, because sylvia said he was lucid enough to recognize her voice and throw in a few of his 'daddy-isms.' I just hope if he gets better, he'll be around long enough to be at her wedding.

they have this thing here at work today called coffee-flavored water. it's gross. either it sends me running to shit my brains out because it's so strong or I'm drinking really bad-tasting water. I just need caffeine!!

I'm fairly certain the ENG dept. has it out for me. they're sending me all over the planet to get tapes for them, then as soon as I deliver one they either a) have no idea what it's for, or b) send me on another run to get more tapes. I'm sure they don't like me very much because I'm bitchy to them, but what can I say? don't walk all over me, and I'll deliver your tapes with a smile. I know it's my job to get the tapes, but throw me a fuckin bone here! they just want to see me run up and down the hall with tapes, scripts, tapes, updates, tapes....fuck!!

going to the brewery today with steven. I think it'll be fun. last night I worked out in my new campaign for a "better me." my arms aren't sore, but I can tell how fatigued my muscles are. I need to specifically figure out a routine so I don't get too set in my ways and also so I can continue to build muscle in all the right places. I could already tell that my biceps were practically throbbing, so I think I'm going in the right direction. I'm really fortunate that I build muscle so easily and so quickly, so I hope I continue to get my ass there for some cardio and weightlifting at least 4-5 days a week.

I think I might make this tamale pie that my aunt makes. it's good...it really hits the spot when you're hungry. I hope steven likes it. it means I need to go to the store again, but it's all for the sake of good eats. mmmmmmm fooooooooooooood

can't wait to see steven...we haven't spent a lot of time together lately, so it'll be nice for just me and him to do something fun and different.


ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a real job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last night I was in a really bad place with myself. I don't exactly feel like a million bucks right now (esp because my dinner last night consisted of a bowl of popcorn and sauvignon blanc), but at least I don't want to drop into a pathetic, self-loathing stupor.

part of my shittiness is that I'm questioning my relationship with steven again. the last time I was so iffy about things between us was his grad party when I hated myself for putting up with his endless amounts of shit almost as much as I hated him. it was an equally tough time for me to come to terms with allowing myself to be treated badly as it was for me to be with him again. I don't want to revisit that feeling, and in ways I'm back there again, wondering if this is right for me and for him.

I think this stems from my feelings about myself in general. I don't feel good in my own skin. the turn-down from SBM put me back at square one - emotionally and in reality, as I haven't exactly had any big offers since then from my dream job (not that SBM was my dream job). the interview yesterday with the mag I LOVE went really poorly, and it was for yet another non-paid internship. didn't my four years in college mean anything? hello? does anyone else have college loans up to their ears??!!

however, where last night planted my ass on the couch with a bowl of popcorn on my lap and a fat glass of wine firmly in my hand, today I'm seeing things a little differently - for myself at least. I'm motivated to adopt more self-improving strategies rather than self-deprecating ones. I really want a nice body and to feel good about my image. I have a wedding coming up (well, in a year), and I should look FABULOUS. I bet if I'm (finally) successful once again in one area of my life, then that energy will flow into other areas, and I'll attract good things (like jobs!). I want to regain the confidence I was once so notorious for, the take-no-shit attitude that helped me say, "people may think I'm a bitch, but at least they'll never think they can walk all over me." I need that anger, that vitality, because so much of this job-searching and self-searching makes me feel so inadequate and useless to the world.

success will come to me. I just have to create it.

all right kids, I am a white, middle-class female with no hope of getting help to get an education in a field in which there is a great need. I'm looking into nursing at SIUE, and the tuition for out-of-state is absurd; the illinois tuition isn't too much better, either. the most pragmatic course of action, then, would be to look at scholarships. however, because I'm not a minority, a graduate of alton high, or a prospective teacher, I don't qualify for anything.

I don't understand this education shit. here I am, a good student with an extensive background in extracurricular activities, and there is nothing I can do to get a job or help fund an education in a field that is necessary. I could go to meramec, so I need to stop bitching so much, but the waiting lists are at times longer than what it would take to finish up my pre-reqs.

I don't know what to do with my life.

I told steven that if I were to go to nursing school, we'd have to get married (so I was an ill. resident) or I'd have to pop out a kid in order to afford school. I DONT KNOW GRRRRRRRRRRRRR why does the world mandate what is so hard to achieve???!!!

my co-worker and I have been showing up to work lately wearing almost identical outfits. last week or so we were both wearing khakis and brown short-sleeved shirts (as well as a female photog), and today we were both sporting pin-striped collared shirts and jeans. def random, def not planned. it's funny though.

ok, to finish my apartment for now, I need to:
-get my table and chairs, strip them of paint, paint them or finish them
-get a curio cabinet or shelving unit for my crystal (goodwill)
-hang pics
-strip the bedside table in my room and finish it or paint it
-paint the black parts of kitchen
-find a desk and set up computer
-get more pic frames
-find rugs: kitchen, bedroom, front room
-find big pillows for front room
-bring back comforter and get new one

I also need to go grocery shopping...

as always, I'm at work and I'm supremely tired. I won't get into it anymore than that.

my birthday was yesterday. no big thing. steven got me a camera (which is/was awesome) and my mom gave me a hundred bucks. my g-ma gave me sixty for my bedding, and I've generally gotten lovely little things from the rest of my family. it was nice.

I've been thinking more and more about going into nursing school. I would rather do an accelerated program at edwardsville (that is, if I get in) over any other full-term program. it'll kick my butt, but what else is there? it seems like the most logical path I've got right now, and I'd be able to travel with steven if he goes into federal law enforcement. I don't know how he specifically feels about that, but it's really important to me. I don't even know if I have a particular passion for nursing, but I need to DO something. I can't keep working these minimal-amount-per-hour jobs that are nothing but understimulating and tiring. at least with nursing I'd be challenged and on my feet.

I think what I need is a direction. I'm not in this huge, ridiculous hurry to start my life, but I can't sit on my bills and wish them away. with nursing, I'd be headed somewhere, and I could do what I want on the side (aka write). how wonderful would it be if I wrote a book on the side? what about when I get pregnant? I could write an encyclopedia while I'm riding on my hormone highs and lows. shit, if I'm still with steven I would be riding on the highs and lows of our relationship alone. I write the best when I'm sad anyway; I always have.

the truth is, I can't keep feeling so inadequate with myself all the time. here I am, a talented, young, ambitious kid with all the heart necessary for a job in a high-intensity company, and I rarely get interviewed. I know I'm doing something wrong, but what am I going to say when they ask me what I want to do with my life? what's my ideal job setting? what would I be doing if I had the ultimate dream job? I don't know!!! well, I would really like to work at a place like washU because it's up my alley, and I'd also have the opportunity to perhaps work with their soccer team(s). I would love that. sports, college-age people, and school are fun things to be around on a regular basis. but do I wait around for that? or do I take initiative and apply for nursing school? I'll have to wait an entire year before I'd be ready to enroll at edw. because I don't have the pre-reqs out of the way. shit, I could have been working on them all summer if I thought I would get to this point.

I've lightened up a bit (it helps that I have my own apt. now, and steven can come over more regularly), but I'm still stuck. I don't get turned down for jobs very often, but I can't handle not sparking any interest with any probable employers either. I suppose I can't rush this whole process, but until I can tell my debt collectors to fuck off, these thoughts are going to plague me.

FUCK OFF

I am so tired, and I'm super hungry. my energy resources have been cashed because I worked all day yesterday on my apartment after kmov, then I went to work at WB. I haven't eaten much in the last few days because I don't have time or I forget which isn't helping me any. ugh. I really, really need to take better care of myself because my body is rebelling against me.

I do have some points of good news, however. first, I finished painting my bathroom yesterday , and the navy blue turned out really pretty. I also get my couches today as well as a big TV, and uncle mike and my grandpa brought my dresser over yesterday. sylvia is going to be shopping for wedding gowns today (since she FINALLY booked a reception hall), and I'm going to alton later for a bbq. then, later this weekend my fam and I will be in the ozarks. I don't have high, high expectations, but that's a bundle of good news I thought I could keep in mind if the going got tough.

I'm headed out early so I can get a bite to eat at einstein (I think) and then get my apartment in order for the deliveries.

my birthday is on sunday. to celebrate 23 years of my life, my body decided to rebel against me. that's all I'm going to say on the subject. sometimes I hate my past.

I almost can't wait to get back to me apartment because I know it's coming together so well. britt and I put up the curtains, and I really have a direction for all of the rooms. she was sweet enough to hang up most or all of my clothes, and she also put away most of my bathroom stuff that I had in a random drawer. as soon as I get my dresser and couches, I'll be in business. I can't wait for it to be finished!!!

I want to have a party with everything all set up. I think it'll go over well...we'll see.

I'm so tired.

I am trying, without much success, to stay awake this morning. I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. you know those times when you're so tired or sleepy that you can justify falling asleep anywhere - class, a bar, at a desk in front of a computer?? well, that's me today.

latest update with steven: so the other day I made him stay at my apartment till I got home from work just so I could give him a hug and a kiss before he left to go home. later on that night, he called me in a bad mood. I sensed he didn't want to talk to me much, so I got off the phone and resolved to give him some space - no big deal. he is naturally a loner, and I've learned it's much easier to give him that space than pressure him into talking.

that said, texted me and said he had a lot on his mind. ok fine...again, I said I'd just hang out till he was ready to talk. well, this morning I got to work and found a message on facebook from him saying we needed to have a serious talk. GREAT. you know my whole bad feeling thing? well there it was all over again.

I racked my brain and thought of something I might have done, but since I'm PERFECT (ahem) I was stumped. then I was terrified that he had done something, that he was going to tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore or that he had cheated on me - which would, in effect, mean that we were absolutely NOT going to be together. well I was way off.

from what I'm slowly gathering from texts he keeps sending me, he saw a photo booth pic of me and my friend kevin from when we had goneto the city museum in january. we were just being stupid about it, and the last pic was a "fake make-out" pic of us (we never even touched mouths). it was on my coffee table with a lot of other pics, so it's not like I was trying to hide it or anything; plus I had shown steven right after the fact (or at least mentioned it), so I thought it was a non-issue. APPARENTLY steven's been stewing over these pics for two days now, and he's also questioning all these other things about me.

greaaaaaaaaat. so this pic of me and kev is pretty bad, and I can imagine that it's really hard to explain (esp since there's no way of proving that didn't make out). however, he's now asking about his friend - HIS friend, mind you - matt, who keeps trying to get me to come over, and who also suggested wanting to be my roommate (he has a girlfriend??? I'm dating one of his best friends??). ok, I've flirted with him pretty heavily, but I have never alluded to wanting to 'be' with him. then sun night chris texted me to hang out. I didn't promise him anything. in fact, I haven't said yes to so much as hanging out with either of them, aside from maybe going on a bike ride with matt (but I'd long ago decided against it).

the point is, I've told steven all of these incidents. I've let him know what's going on, who's calling me, how I'm iffy about these guys. after giving it some thought, I had finally told him about matt - that he was making advances toward me without my prompting. I didn't want to say anything for fear of causing a rift between them, and now he's accusing me of something?? I don't get it; if nothing else, he has reason to be questioned after all of his lies and secretive nature.

it seems interesting to me, after all of this, that in my attempt to be open and not hide anything, I have, in turn, FUCKED SOMETHING UP. whatever. I can't be accountable for his insecurities, just like he doesn't feel accountable for mine.

chicken or the egg?

I have another one of my feelings today. I'm trying to brush it off and pretend that it's nothing, that it's too much coffee and sugar. the fact that I'm mentioning it at all isn't a good sign for me because I usually just ignore it and let whatever happens, happen. I'm not going to talk to steven today because I got the feeling last night that he's on the brink of one of his moods. he needs a little space, and I need to stop giving him shit about constantly coming over. I have a feeling it's getting to him. if we do hang out at all in the near future, I'm going to push for it to be low-key and low-cost.

I don't know whether these feelings I get are like self-fulfilling prophecies (as in, I don't feel right, I acknowledge that, then something bad happens), or if it's my body or mind telling me something is going to happen for sure.

gotta go

I'm getting discouraged again. I didn't get the job at small business, so now I'm back to square one. I'm getting tired of searching and not finding anything that appeals to me. should I just get a sales job? I don't think so...what's the point of having a job that would make me hate my life??? I'd rather be poor. I keep asking myself about the S word: SCHOOL. I might need to go back to have something to do. I just wish this college experience would pay off. the truth is, I don't see myself going very far in communications. I haven't seen anything that really appealed to me, except maybe the admissions job at colleges/universities. can you imagine me working at wash-U? that would be perfect. if I work there forever, then my kids can go there for free. I wasn't always a big fan of being at school, but I was always comfortable there. I know I can do an admissions job. I know I'd be good at it. I JUST NEED A CALL BACK. if someone would finally just give me a chance to show my stuff, maybe then I could rock someone's world. I'm talented and hard-working; so why do I feel so inadequate? god, this is infuriating.

I might as well start looking at nursing schools. at least I know the dire need for people in that field, and as I've said before, if steven and I stay together and he sticks with law enforcement, then I can be marketable virtually anywhere in the US. plus insurance is fucking fantastic through most hospitals. but do I want to go into further debt??? I almost can't stand the idea. no, wait - I absolutely fuckin HATE the idea of going into more school debt. WHY IS SCHOOL SO HARD AND EXPENSIVE???!!! and why the FUCK do I spend so much money and HAVE NO FUCKING JOB. FUCK I HATE THIS

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it'll get better, right? I'll stop questioning myself and the rest of hte world soon, right? and I'll find a place I love where I'll make lots of money and friends and contacts and where I love getting up in the mornings.........RIGHT??!!!!!!!!


ok, God, I don't talk to you very often, but I really really need you now. give me some idea of where I need to be in my life. show me a direction, and help me to either be patient or open. what is that I want to be? what is it that I want to do?? please help. I don't know how long I'll be able to do this lame waiting and working thing...........

I am so fuckin tired. I just want to go home. it was a pretty good day, but I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I need it. I get to go to the cards game wed night with my man and a couple of friends. I went to the brewery today which was wildly entertaining and an overall good experience. my apartment is really coming together and I'm finally relaxing about it. so today was a good day...it just needs to end.

I've been thinking a lot about my career options lately. I am so frustrated with where I am in my life, and I don't know what I want to do. I'm not particularly excited about anything anymore. I don'r put my heart into much because I feel torn in so many ways. well, I'm also constantly tired which numbs my brain to the point of almost total detachment. I've really been considering this nursing idea; I used to be open to becoming a lawyer, but I can't fathom going into too much more debt. I've already racked up about 70g in undergrad debt for a practically useless degree and I don't want to add to it.

omg I keep farting (silently) and it stinks BAD, so I'm sure anyone who happens to walk up near me will think there is a sewage problem or that I just naturally stink.

anyway, back to career choices...nurses make so much money and there is a serious demand for them. can I do it? can I enter into an accelerated program and finally feel like there is some direction in my life? maybe. maybe I just need to get a job first in the field in which I studied for so vigorously. I just thought that working hard in college in more ways than academically would pay off, but I haven't seen the fruits of my labors yet and I'm sure as shit getting restless.

however, a few good developments: kristin's new guy she's been seeing is the son of the man who started one of the nation's leading PR firms. that's a great 'in' if pat is up for it. also, my boss here emailed me info on an opening at a nearby jr college for a sports information director, which is right up my alley. it's only part-time, and I probably wouldn't get paid much, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I know it would be a great position to add to my resume. experience is key! (right? right???)

ugh I think it will get better soon. I really want to make a concentrated effort to eat better and (finally) exercise (too bad I'm craving chocolate chip cookies and brownies...I'm on my period). my other goal (one which I decided yesterday) is to avoid saying so many negative things. I need to focus on the positives in my life and stop being a downer. there is no reason for it, and I have every reason to be thankful for all the things I do have. I am so fortunate and lucky. I need to start acting accordingly! I want to be the person people want to be around! I want to be magnetic and happy and free of this burden of negativity! I should start a gratitude journal.

AAAAAAAAAAAARHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

forty minutes to go...I can't wait to get out of this damn place. it's slowly but surely killing me.

I am so tired. I can't stay awake, so I'm going to write to keep my eyes open (I hope). my lips are chapped, my stomach hurts really bad, and I keep falling asleep at my desk. coffee is out of the question because my stomach hurts so bad.

what a whiny bitch I am. a bridge collapses in minnesota, killing several and injuring dozens others, and I'm bitchy about my chapped lips. I hope they're all ok. I wonder what will happen beyond this? I know a lot of engineers are currently inspecting the bridges in their cities. the guy who is in the press conference is good about laying out the situation and asking the public for a few, very particular ways they can help the search and rescue.

ok I am too tired to do this anymore. I'm going to tell ana that I want to go home early today.

what to do?

I don't know what to do. I've put myself in a position in which I don't think SBM wants me to hire me because I've put too much on my plate. welcome to my world. lately, I've been feeling like I'm working towards...nothing. it's not the number of hours per week I'm committed to; it's the amount of bullshit I'm willing to endure in the meantime. why, for instance, am I working from 4am-9am for 650 an hour? that's not right. I don't even get to do/access the things I want to. why, too, am I agreeing to do all these things for my aunt and uncle (aka check their bank account) when I don't check my own? I don't want to reach my wit's end.

I need to email ron and his intern, courtney. I need to let ron know that I'm willing to negotiate my position here since I'm supposed to use this place as a launching pad anyway. then I'm going to ask courtney how she likes the position. so far I've felt good about ron and jeremy, but that doesn't always mean anything.

I'm babbling because I'm tired. I went to britt's last night and didn't go to bed till around 11. then gracie was being a pain, so britt got up to yell at her in the middle of the night. that cut out some of my sleep time. I'll try and get a nap today for sure.

steven was being so adorable yesterday. I could steal him forever. I think I will.

8:15. I can't keep my eyes open. I know as soon as I go home, I probably won't be able to go to sleep. I just need another hour or two. gracie was pissed that she was left out last night, and she let us know all damn night. I don't know exactly what she was doing, but britt woke up like the devil - yelling at her, slamming doors, everything. it was such a good night for sleeping. damn I'm crabby. I need sleep!!!

ugggggggggggggggh I hate being hungover. i spent way too much money last night (i shouldn't have spent any) and I still managed to be mad at steven. man I don't trust lisa. she is really getting under my skin lately. I don't want to be around her, I don't want steven to hang out with her, and I've stopped being nice to her. I don't think I need someone in my life who has such a negative effect on me. it's not just me either. she gives off a nasty vibe to almost everyone I know. steven took her home last night, leaving me at the bar with toby for over an hour. I was so pissed. why did he have to take her? she knew everyone else there, so why did it have to be him? it didn't bother me until today when I had more time to think about it. I don't need to stress about it though because her negativity is only perpetuating itself if I do let it bother me.

toby was fun. he has the most beautiful eyes. I shouldn't have spent so much time with him. I don't know if I should hang out with steven's friends, or if i do, I need to stop flirting with them altogether. I guess I lead them on unknowingly and it's been getting me into some tough situations lately. at one point last night toby was talking really closely to me, and steven was walking up with beers (this was while we were at the racetrack) and saw this exchange. he got all huffy because all he saw was this guy (he didn't realize it was toby) talking to me in my intimate space. he was walking rather quickly towards us, and he said "oh, it's toby. I was thinking 'who is that guy talkin to my woman, and why is james allowing it???'" toby is one thing, but matt? oh man. I'm not some hot shit woman and I probably would never date any of his friends, but man...sometimes I think they're overly interested in me. I wonder if they really dig me? I don't like to think about it much because, well, it's not worth it. I try not to talk about it either for simple reasons, one being that no one wants to hear me say, "oh yeah they want me." whatever. as long as things continue the way they are, then I should be with steven forever, and that's a-ok with me :):) <3

lonnnnnnnnnng morning

I just got screwed with scripts this morning. the producers accidentally printed out the scripts in the wrong format - which is a legit mistake - and they can't cancel the printing job. I then had to wait almost 10 min (an eternity in TV time) for the wrong scripts to print before the correct scripts started printing. I then had to power-sort and run half of the script down the hallway to the director by 620. THEN I'm desperately trying to sort through the mess they call a script, which was really late at that point, and the producer who I'm pretty sure was the culprit behind printing it incorrectly came over the intercom in a snobby voice saying "we need a script, the ANCHOR doesn't have a script yet..." no shit. I had to deal with a printer jamming as well, so all was FUCKIN WONDERFUL IN THE NEWSROOM. you know, I know we all make mistakes, and time is the biggest issue, but no one apologized to me, and no one offered to perhaps bring down more scripts/updates to the director. it's not necessary, but after dealing with all that shit I had already dealt with, it would have been nice. whatever. pride, I suppose, can get in the way of politeness. I'm ready to go home and run, then shower, then see my man.

which brings me to this: last night steven broke his nose at his softball game. poor guy. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, but james and his mom called me on their way/from the ER. I know he's fine, but it's going to be a bear sleeping with him (if he lets me).

I need a coffee. and food.

so my dad may be dying, and his wife may be the person putting the bullets in his head. I never, ever trusted that woman, even when I gave her the chance to be a decent human being. when I lived with my dad, I remember getting really pissed at her and him because I was locked out and bella (an itty bitty puppy back then) was chained up outside. I never stayed there for more than a night since, and I found a new home for bella.

the kitchen was a sight to see. when she first moved in, I found a huge handle of whisky on the counter and an equally large bottle of wine nearby. um, when my dad has had a history of alcoholism, those items should not be in close range. I knew before I knew her that she was an alcoholic; I could sense it. she would sleep all day long. I could spend all day at my dad's house and would never see the bedroom door open. my dad would tell me stories about how she would try to go to work in the early mornings, but because she "wasn't a morning person," she ran over an elderly woman and took out three trees along with the bottom of her car...but she hadn't been drinking.....?

denial is such a disgusting thing.

so now my dad is dying. I've been sensing it for quite some time. he gave up on living when donna moved in I think. when someone is constantly enabling your bad behaviors and curing all of your insecurities, inadequacies and sadness with booze, everything becomes one big blur. I saw my dad stop caring about me, my sibs and himself. he's so enamored with his own death and destruction that I don't think he even cares much about my mom. I never thought that would happen. that's when I knew he wasn't coming back to us.

he might have cancer. his brain is currently being poisoned by the constant stream of alcohol running its course in his system. donna hands him a drink at every chance she gets; it's her cure for any of his ailments, physically and beyond. my only consolation is that I don't think he likes her much anyway. it's just easy to keep someone around when they're always nice to you and give you the medication you crave.

my dad has given up hope. he is waiting to shrivel up and perish. I can't blame donna for his relinquishing the only thing that has kept his alive thus far, but I can't understand how and why she can just wait for a good man to die. if my dad is worth anything in any kind of life insurance policy, then great - she can have the money because that's all she thinks he's worth. but at one time, my dad was a good man. at one time, my dad was my hero, the most handsome man in the world. he cared, he loved, he smiled, and he didn't think anything in the world would disrupt the life he had built. then everything changed.

I don't cry about my dad now. he has been absent to me for so long I don't think I'd be crying for much. I have his eyes, and at one time I had his love - love he gave freely. I hate to admit this, but when I think of my dad gone, I almost feel relieved. he wouldn't be in pain anymore. I won't have to think about the world of torture he carries behind his eyes. he wouldn't have to live long enough to continue hating himself.

I love my dad and I don't want him to die. but the truth is, he already has.

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired. I can't even handle it. I want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep sleep sleep.

p.s. to make my day even better, I feel like a whale. I wish I didn't feel so fat. I wish I didn't look like such shit in the pics from the beach. I need to get my shit together and start getting in shape again.

my hair looks like crap

going to camp to visit today!!! it's excited. luke made a present for me last week and was severely disappointed to find that I wasn't at camp to accept it. made me cry little to hear that, and I still get choked up every time I mention it. what is the matter with me???? I've been so emotional lately, it's driving me crazy. well damn. can't wait to get out of here soon cuz I'm fuckin hungry.

I'm absolutely planning on it.
The music was electrifying. I felt it all through my body, and I shivered with the goosebumps that ran down my arms and legs. I couldn't imagine many things much better than this: the moon hung low in the sky, brandon boyd's voice was floating over our heads, Steven's arms were wrapped around me. he leaned down and kissed my neck, and I felt at that moment that all was right in the world.

those moments don't last long and they're not very often. he keeps telling me lately that we're going to last forever. I'm not going to hold my breath, but at least it's refreshing to hear it every once in a while. his latest endeavor is looking at places where we can live together. to be honest, it's a little bittersweet to think of moving in with him because it will mean not living in my new apartment. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds.



Did they play it?
I talked to chris last night for the first time in months. I've been trying to remove (gradually) the people in my life who don't have good energy, and chris fell into that category for quite some time. now he has a job, however, which is one of his first in years. he and jessica are no longer together, a relationship which took forever to dissipate. and lastly, it seems for the first time since I've known him that he's going forward - FINALLY.

He called the other day to say hi since we haven't had a conversation in months, and I didn't call him back till incubus. it didn't seem right not to call him, though I did wait till steven was in the bathroom before I made the call. I didn't actually talk to him until I was in my car on my way home, and we spent several minutes comparing notes on the band. we caught up on life in general, and it was really nice to hear from him. I don't know...in the last few years, I've always had an unsteady or an uncertain feeling after talking to him, and that wasn't the case on sunday. call it the music high, call it the small amount of booze I had drank - whatever it was, I was so much more comfortable with the way things went than in the past.

incubus is a small spot in the world in which we connect heavily. I fell in love with incubus while I loved chris. he never left my mind while the music wafted through the air, steven's arms wrapped around me, the smell of weed and sweat and booze hanging above our heads. they didn't play mine and chris's song...I couldn't believe he still thought about it in the terms that I do. god my heart jumped in my throat when he asked that. I'm not nearly affected by hearing the song so much anymore, but some days I lunge towards the radio before I hear so much as the second chord.

time is such a weird thing. I used to listen to incubus relentlessly, especially when I thought about chris. it seems like as time went on, I slowly began to accept chris and incubus as simply a part of my life. I rarely think about him anymore, but sunday I was inundated with memories of him and me. during "wish you were here," I remembered, for instance, when I was in pensacola right after graduation and I texted him that chorus. I was missing him a lot, and I didn't get the typical nightly phone calls from him. at the same time, he and jessica had quickly developed a relationship; I was neglected to remain on the backburner thereafter. talk about a serious punch in the gut...it left me romantically incapacitated for months.

back at work. I don't really mind it because it's kind of a reminder of how I want to be - aka, not a big, fatty drinker with no remorse about destroying my body daily. I miss having the opportunity to go out whenever I want to, but I suppose it's all in good time that I need to get my shit together and grow up...a little.

steven's former sister-in-law died yesterday. they weren't close in any sense of the word, but I think the whole family is shaken up by it. I have no idea what'll happen to the kids because at this point their mother is dead and their father is an abusive idiot. well, ok, I'm sure he's not really an idiot, but his actions often suggest otherwise. anyway, I love those kids and I'd take care of them if I could, but it's not in the cards right now. sucks.

incubus tonight. I hope it's fun for all of us. sometimes you can go to a concert and it's great, but then other times it's good music and bad...something. energy? I don't know. I do know that drinking makes it better most of the time because it's that much easier to let the music just take you away. hopefully it's good.

oh my gosh I just walked by one of the rooms where they teach classes - yoga, aerobics, etc - and a man was in the class with about a dozen women. he was too sweet, trying as hard as he could to keep up with the pace and difficulty of the class. I give him MAD props for just being in there in the first place, especially since I don't generally have the guts to do it myself! I don't mean to be patronizing, but I thought it was the cutest thing.

11:50. I'm bored out of my damn mind. I did all my 'sidework' and then some. I keep arranging and rearranging the mags and newspapers that are scattered around the floor. I've changed channels about 1430 times and pissed off 298274 people in the process. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I don't know what I can do to battle the boredom of being here for 6-7 hours. I wish I could maybe work out, but that would defeat the purpose of my job. I'm hungry too, which makes me really fun to be around.

I wonder if this steven phenomenon will last. he's just amazing lately, with the exception of last night. I'm pretty sure he didn't call me because he didn't want to come all the way over to my side of the river to hang with my fam. I don't really blame him, but I don't want to fall back into that pattern. he keeps talking about the future which is always weird but a welcome thought. when sly got engaged, he was all freaked out that I would be waiting for a ring, but I'm not. sure, I'd love to have one, but it's not such a part of my mantra that I can't live without it (though I did spend a while looking at rings today, just for fun). my issue with any future thoughts is that that I want some kind of reassurance that we actually have one. since I let him know that I wasn't looking for a ring anytime soon, he has since been on the lookout for a place for us to live. I don't know. at least it's going in a positive direction. I hope it lasts.

the truth is, I want to have my beautiful apartment for a while before I move in with him. I want my own space for a while. what if staying together with him isn't what I want? I can't imagine being with anyone else, but what if the way we feel for each other isn't enough to keep us together? in britt's words, what if his best isn't enough for me?

we shall see, as only time will tell. sly texted me to tell say she knows of some living room furniture I might be able to use...cream colored and in lovely condition. *cross fingers* I really really want it!!

k, off again to this bullshit...

1:11. where is this girl?? I have a few things to do today before the concert - like, you know, EAT. I also have no clean underwear in my possession anymore. I know this girl is only a few mins late, but cmon. I gotta get outta here.

however, while I'm here...this one guy comes in every day I think. he just informed me he's 46, but he looks really good for his age. the thing is, he knows he looks great, and I'm pretty sure he comes in here as regularly as he does just because he can talk to the young, attractive women coming here. it's entertaining most of the time.

gotta go

work work work

I am so tired. I need sleep and food. this is the best way for me to finally start writing something again. I don't really want people to see this, but it's a nice outlet when I don't feel like sharing..which is often. maybe I'll relax this way. it's possible, but not entirely likely. I spent so much time this summer doing nothing, and now I'm split on whether doing anything is a good idea lol. I need to be productive to be happy, but I was scheduling workouts around KMOV and I might have to add another job to the mix. today is uncle mike's bday party, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but mostly I just want food. is sushi addictive? I'm pretty sure it is. I want some more. I wonder if nick will pay me today? I need the cash BAD. this not working thing is, well, not working.

ok, story idea: this goes along with the rebekah grace store I did in high school. I've been stewing about it for a while because while it's sad, I've always liked that story. one of the "scenes" I keep replaying in my head is one in which the woman (I can't remember her name) is sitting in her shrink's office drinking a cup of coffee. there is almost a standoff in which the woman sips her coffee as the shrink tries to get her to share something, anything with her. "how are you today?" nothing. "you seem to be doing a bit better..." she sips her coffee. "what's new with so-and-so?" she blows to cool her coffee. "dammit, I can't do this one-way conversation with you. what the hell is going on?" she raises her eyebrows. "I'm doing great considering I've just lost my baby, my husband and my enthusiasm for life in general. would you like to add to the mix by killing off some of my relatives, too?" the shrink winces. "you're not doing anything for yourself by joking and glazing over this." "oh, but I am. maybe by pissing you off you'll have one tiny, small inkling of the enormity of pain I feel right now. perhaps you don't quite understand: I don't want to live. I don't have a reason to. I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me, and it's not coming back. I hate looking in the mirror and knowing I have had something so powerful, so encompassing, so earth shatteringly momentous, and it's gone. so, dr. wonderful, how the fuck do you fix that?" the shrink regarded her for a moment, wondering how the fuck she really was going to fix that, to fix her and make things better for her. she let out the breath she had been holding and decided. "well you're right. I can't fix a fuckin thing. I have to say, though, that you've just wasted your time even living this far