Monday, August 11, 2008

I was just dropped from my fall classes last week because I didn't pay for them in time. it's no one else's fault but my own, but I can't help feeling a little remorseful towards everyone else in my life. I'm furious with myself for not taking care of my business, and I'm annoyed with everyone else because I feel like no one gives a shit about anything that might be happening with me. I say this with tongue in cheek because I can hear my grandfather's voice as he reminds me that "you are the most egocentric and selfish person in your life." it's certainly true. no one else will care about me as much as I will till the moment I take my last breath, so there is no reason I should hold anyone to the standard of knowing or caring about my life as much as I do.

that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.

while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.

the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.

I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.

I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.

I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.

maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

wow, I haven't been here in a while. I went to camp last week and I guess I've actually been busy lately.

as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.

that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.

now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.

that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?

grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.

oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.

I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.