Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I am trying, without much success, to stay awake this morning. I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. you know those times when you're so tired or sleepy that you can justify falling asleep anywhere - class, a bar, at a desk in front of a computer?? well, that's me today.

latest update with steven: so the other day I made him stay at my apartment till I got home from work just so I could give him a hug and a kiss before he left to go home. later on that night, he called me in a bad mood. I sensed he didn't want to talk to me much, so I got off the phone and resolved to give him some space - no big deal. he is naturally a loner, and I've learned it's much easier to give him that space than pressure him into talking.

that said, texted me and said he had a lot on his mind. ok fine...again, I said I'd just hang out till he was ready to talk. well, this morning I got to work and found a message on facebook from him saying we needed to have a serious talk. GREAT. you know my whole bad feeling thing? well there it was all over again.

I racked my brain and thought of something I might have done, but since I'm PERFECT (ahem) I was stumped. then I was terrified that he had done something, that he was going to tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore or that he had cheated on me - which would, in effect, mean that we were absolutely NOT going to be together. well I was way off.

from what I'm slowly gathering from texts he keeps sending me, he saw a photo booth pic of me and my friend kevin from when we had goneto the city museum in january. we were just being stupid about it, and the last pic was a "fake make-out" pic of us (we never even touched mouths). it was on my coffee table with a lot of other pics, so it's not like I was trying to hide it or anything; plus I had shown steven right after the fact (or at least mentioned it), so I thought it was a non-issue. APPARENTLY steven's been stewing over these pics for two days now, and he's also questioning all these other things about me.

greaaaaaaaaat. so this pic of me and kev is pretty bad, and I can imagine that it's really hard to explain (esp since there's no way of proving that didn't make out). however, he's now asking about his friend - HIS friend, mind you - matt, who keeps trying to get me to come over, and who also suggested wanting to be my roommate (he has a girlfriend??? I'm dating one of his best friends??). ok, I've flirted with him pretty heavily, but I have never alluded to wanting to 'be' with him. then sun night chris texted me to hang out. I didn't promise him anything. in fact, I haven't said yes to so much as hanging out with either of them, aside from maybe going on a bike ride with matt (but I'd long ago decided against it).

the point is, I've told steven all of these incidents. I've let him know what's going on, who's calling me, how I'm iffy about these guys. after giving it some thought, I had finally told him about matt - that he was making advances toward me without my prompting. I didn't want to say anything for fear of causing a rift between them, and now he's accusing me of something?? I don't get it; if nothing else, he has reason to be questioned after all of his lies and secretive nature.

it seems interesting to me, after all of this, that in my attempt to be open and not hide anything, I have, in turn, FUCKED SOMETHING UP. whatever. I can't be accountable for his insecurities, just like he doesn't feel accountable for mine.

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