back at work. I don't really mind it because it's kind of a reminder of how I want to be - aka, not a big, fatty drinker with no remorse about destroying my body daily. I miss having the opportunity to go out whenever I want to, but I suppose it's all in good time that I need to get my shit together and grow up...a little.

steven's former sister-in-law died yesterday. they weren't close in any sense of the word, but I think the whole family is shaken up by it. I have no idea what'll happen to the kids because at this point their mother is dead and their father is an abusive idiot. well, ok, I'm sure he's not really an idiot, but his actions often suggest otherwise. anyway, I love those kids and I'd take care of them if I could, but it's not in the cards right now. sucks.

incubus tonight. I hope it's fun for all of us. sometimes you can go to a concert and it's great, but then other times it's good music and bad...something. energy? I don't know. I do know that drinking makes it better most of the time because it's that much easier to let the music just take you away. hopefully it's good.

oh my gosh I just walked by one of the rooms where they teach classes - yoga, aerobics, etc - and a man was in the class with about a dozen women. he was too sweet, trying as hard as he could to keep up with the pace and difficulty of the class. I give him MAD props for just being in there in the first place, especially since I don't generally have the guts to do it myself! I don't mean to be patronizing, but I thought it was the cutest thing.

11:50. I'm bored out of my damn mind. I did all my 'sidework' and then some. I keep arranging and rearranging the mags and newspapers that are scattered around the floor. I've changed channels about 1430 times and pissed off 298274 people in the process. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I don't know what I can do to battle the boredom of being here for 6-7 hours. I wish I could maybe work out, but that would defeat the purpose of my job. I'm hungry too, which makes me really fun to be around.

I wonder if this steven phenomenon will last. he's just amazing lately, with the exception of last night. I'm pretty sure he didn't call me because he didn't want to come all the way over to my side of the river to hang with my fam. I don't really blame him, but I don't want to fall back into that pattern. he keeps talking about the future which is always weird but a welcome thought. when sly got engaged, he was all freaked out that I would be waiting for a ring, but I'm not. sure, I'd love to have one, but it's not such a part of my mantra that I can't live without it (though I did spend a while looking at rings today, just for fun). my issue with any future thoughts is that that I want some kind of reassurance that we actually have one. since I let him know that I wasn't looking for a ring anytime soon, he has since been on the lookout for a place for us to live. I don't know. at least it's going in a positive direction. I hope it lasts.

the truth is, I want to have my beautiful apartment for a while before I move in with him. I want my own space for a while. what if staying together with him isn't what I want? I can't imagine being with anyone else, but what if the way we feel for each other isn't enough to keep us together? in britt's words, what if his best isn't enough for me?

we shall see, as only time will tell. sly texted me to tell say she knows of some living room furniture I might be able to use...cream colored and in lovely condition. *cross fingers* I really really want it!!

k, off again to this bullshit...

1:11. where is this girl?? I have a few things to do today before the concert - like, you know, EAT. I also have no clean underwear in my possession anymore. I know this girl is only a few mins late, but cmon. I gotta get outta here.

however, while I'm here...this one guy comes in every day I think. he just informed me he's 46, but he looks really good for his age. the thing is, he knows he looks great, and I'm pretty sure he comes in here as regularly as he does just because he can talk to the young, attractive women coming here. it's entertaining most of the time.

gotta go