Monday, November 17, 2008

the meaning of love. by thea.

I've been dying to talk about this, understand it, and figure all this shit out. I feel like I've been getting these huge messages, screaming, blaring messages, but they're in a language I don't understand. what am I supposed to be listening to??

one day, I was thinking about Steven as I often do. I was in my car and I was sad about us - again, as usual, whatever. and I looked up and there, on the fucking overpass, was a piss-poor grafitti job that said, "LOVE EXISTS." where? I missed the memo. and why do I see that as I'm thinking about steven?

I keep seeing snakes everywhere. it could very well be that they happen to be in an abundance in my area lately because of all the construction. it might be that I'm hypersensitive to them, so I pay more attention and therefore see snakes. but the other theory I have is that something is warning me...what? what are they warning me about? what danger should I evade?

beyond snakes and anonymous grafitti, I hear songs all the time that speak to me directly. I smell familiar cologne. I dream and wake up not remembering the scenes, but knowing steven was in them because of the longing sensation I feel in my chest.

he showed up literally on my doorstep the other night. I was so surprised that the only thing that came to my mouth was "what the hell are you doing here??!" it wasn't exactly the warm welcome he was looking for, but what he didn't know is that I am almost always irrevocably, unexplainedly happy to see him. I have practiced long and hard not to show just how I feel when I see him - that's how hard it hits me. I could be so horribly mad at him (which, incidentally, I've been for six months now), but the moment I lay eyes on him or he touches me, I feel it. I feel it. what does that mean?

love, above all, is a choice. or is it? this is something I've lived by for years. I thought I had all the wisdom in the world just by knowing that 'fact.' ha! then I fell (HARD) in love with the worst possible boyfriend that ever existed!

now love is a feeling. it's an emotion. a noun. a verb. it's a blister, burn, insomniac; an aphrodisiac, music, poetry, inspiration. love gets me out of bed. love makes me hide under the covers. love is power. love. is. crippling.

love. it's a fucking word.

I've been thinking about him a lot less lately. even when I saw him, I felt the physical draw and the smile that I'm constantly hiding from him when I see him, but it was less than usual. what doesn't make sense is what I'm supposed to do. do I continue this stevenectomy? it's not working. I can't even date people but I can't fully figure out why. I mean, of course I probably compare all these guys to steven, but it's more than that. what I keep trying to explain to myself and to the few people I talk to about this is that I've spent the last six months trying to get over him, and I haven't managed to make much progress. I think that's weird.

it makes me question whether being with him again is a real possibility I need to consider. if it is, then I've got to be real with myself about it. I've got to know why I currently refuse to be with him and decide if it's worth the work and effort. I have to know if I can trust him again or ever. I need to be able to believe him when he says this is it. really?? has he looked for a ring? has he continued sleeping around?

this blows. I'm considering swearing off relationships for now. they scare me. I'm exhausted by them. since the steven fiascos, I haven't even had the desire to fuck around with anyone. that's how debilitating this has been for me and my ego. who will ever want me again?

ugh. all I wanted to do was write. now I'm tired of myself.

Friday, September 26, 2008

I feel like I've come to another 'final' decision. I don't want to be with Steven any longer. I don't think I even want to try. not that I'm proud or ok with the fact that I'm backing down from a challenge, but it's too fucking hard.

that kid made mistakes that I can't even bring myself to write down. I would've said in the past that our relationship was worth fighting for, but it's mere scraps now. I can't ever see him settling with me and actually staying true to his word. I can't trust him at all.

I don't know what changed - at least, what's changed besides the entire dynamic of what I used to call our relationship. he is not who I see myself being with in my future. in fact, I don't know who or what kind of a man I do see. I hate the thought of being alone forever, but what kind of a life is it to live when the person I love(d?) most has major issues with trust?

I asked him last week if he trusts himself. I don't think he does, but I get the brunt of that insecurity. the phrase "it never meant anything to me..." should be banished from the english language. you know why? because it always matters to me, to of us women or all of us who trust and love freely and then get absolutely fucking shit on.

the truth is, I don't know that I'll ever trust again. what is the point? I know it's a silly, broad statement, but I am so tired of getting hurt by the most important people in my life. I suppose it comes with the territory of living, learning, loving, breathing...

I need a cigarette.

it's really sad...I used to get all worked up about steven, but lately I barely feel anything except a slim shred of "safe." does that make sense? he's safe because he's seen me naked and still wants to sleep with me, he knows a lot of my flaws, he laughs with me and we still manage to have a good time together, he knows my history....god, how exhausting to go through all of that again with someone else? it certainly wasn't a cake walk with him, but at least we had the advantage of seeing each other all the time. it's not very typical or normal, I'm aware, but we got to know and love each other really quickly. ha! surprise surprise I love someone...quickly.

I think about whether or not we could've made this work, despite his indiscretions. would it have been possible? I don't know anymore. I can't even bring myself to think about bringing him around my family or seeing his lovely mother again. jesus, that'll be the fucking day. I don't think I have the strength or patience to deal with her again anytime soon.

I know my family and friends are saying things behind my back about the fact that I'm not particularly open about anything concerning steven, but why should I drag someone else through the punishment that is my relationship with him? oh there you go...if I was wondering if this was the time to get out of this thing, then here's my sign: punishment. I will do what I please with my life, including hang out with chris, tell the perfect lawyer no if he makes a move, and also say yes to trying to make thing work with steven. I know I sell myself short. I know I don't think I'm worth dating the lawyer...but if someone isn't rough around the edges, how the hell would they love me?

there's no way. I don't have what it takes to pretend or perform for someone. I suppose alone will have to do then. at least with steven he and I both proved ourselves to be headcases. that was so comforting...but I bet you he'll go down the same path as my dad.

that's the thing. I talk a lot about steven on here, and I talk a lot about my dad. and my relationship with my dad and my dad's relationship with reality have a lot of bearing on how I see myself and what I end up with for a boyfriend. granted, I've dated a whopping ONE person (truly, not those one-timer dates) for five fucking years, but still...the two major people I've loved I've also lost because they dumped me. they dumped me!! I'm not about to get all high and mighty and declare that I'm hot shit and they don't know what they're missing, but how else would I see this play out: I'm not good enough for them, so why would I be good enough for someone who's perfect?

perhaps I need to foster my own personal relationship before I can begrudge the male world for not loving me the way I want to be loved. in the meantime, however, I'll just throw myself into this world of singledom as a disinterested onlooker. there is no reason for me to explore if I can't convince myself I'm good enough to be loved again (or at all). I'll pretend that love never existed...the shards of steven and me are still stuck in my gut. I'm still bleeding that wound. if I venture out there now, god help me with what or who I'd take home.

on that note (I needed to end this writing hell of a post five paragraphs ago), I also want to say that steven is a complete fucking bastard. I am disugsted with him in every possible fucking way. I have given my whole heart, body and soul to him and he destroyed a part of me. I used to be able to flirt without reservations, crack jokes and make people laugh, swing my hair around and think "they may not think I'm pretty, but I'm going home with someone who does..." and he has obliterated that confidence in me. I hate him for that. I hate him for a lot of things, but most of all for making me feel unworthy of his own fucked-up love, let alone anyone else's. I hate him even more, too, for putting me in a position to see my future as bleak - almost nothing - and that is whether he's not beside me....or if he is.

I hate him so much right now I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him. I haven't said I love you in well over a month.

and with that, I'll end this horrible post.

Monday, August 11, 2008

I was just dropped from my fall classes last week because I didn't pay for them in time. it's no one else's fault but my own, but I can't help feeling a little remorseful towards everyone else in my life. I'm furious with myself for not taking care of my business, and I'm annoyed with everyone else because I feel like no one gives a shit about anything that might be happening with me. I say this with tongue in cheek because I can hear my grandfather's voice as he reminds me that "you are the most egocentric and selfish person in your life." it's certainly true. no one else will care about me as much as I will till the moment I take my last breath, so there is no reason I should hold anyone to the standard of knowing or caring about my life as much as I do.

that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.

while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.

the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.

I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.

I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.

I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.

maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

wow, I haven't been here in a while. I went to camp last week and I guess I've actually been busy lately.

as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.

that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.

now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.

that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?

grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.

oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.

I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.

Friday, July 18, 2008

this is much more like a confessional than a 'writing wonderland.' speaking of wonder...I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to write a book. I sure as shit hope so.

in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."

I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.

is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?

I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.

I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I don't know how it's already managed to be a slow day. it's 830am, and I feel like I have nothing to do. I told the office yesterday that I will be leaving this position, so any move I make now feels awkward - why continue to set up recruiting if I'm not going to be going on these trips? why should I continue to care? it's the worst attitude to have, I know, but more often than not I can't help it.

steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.

I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.

it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?

I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing

I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.

this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.

he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.

in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

let's get this all out on the table, shall we?? I mean, since I've been such a slut and all, completely unloyal throughout the last 4+ years. I'd like to go through my list:

freshman year
-I dated duane and broke up w/ him while steven was in the car w/ me
-I slept with mark, the navy guy - steven and I hadn't even kissed yet, and he was still w/ nikki
-steven cheated on me with nikki a 'handful' of times, so he claims

sophomore year
-mitch - oh wait, I never even kissed him. meanwhile, steven was 'dating' another girl without my knowledge
-he had gone to como and (I'm pretty sure, tho not positive) met up with nikki again
-I spent all night long w/ chris after kelly's wedding, but (and he tried...a lot) I never even kissed him. the only thing I did do was change my clothes in front of him, but he never saw me naked

junior year
-I slept (yes, slept) with my friend BJ, but nothing happened, not even a kiss
-I slept in ryan's bed a few times, but again, we didn't even touch

senior year
-I almost slept with reggie. he tried really really hard to get in my pants but I refused and made him leave. steven doesn't know it was reg, but he does know something happened. we were not together at that time
-steven apparently kissed lisa - yes, while we were together
-he also slept in the bed next to some drunk bitch. I was down the hall in my own fucking room
-true to form, I slept in a bed next to john, a friend of mine from college - but nothing happened with him either

-I went on a date with kevin. we had some heavy makeout sessions, and he did see my chest, but I refused to let anything else happen. steven and I were not together
-I slept (again, slept) in bed with my friend kenny right after steven and I had broken up
-I kissed chris recently (he's still with jessica)
-I went out a date with shaun and we made out. he was a terrible kisser, btw. money can't buy that kind of talent.
-apparently steven also dated some girl. that's all I know.

that's all I can remember thus far. I haven't so much as touched another guy's manhood in over four years. he might enlighten me on any other conquests he's had in the last few years. this will be such a fun conversation.

Friday, July 11, 2008

cindy is in the process of trying to set me up with a student. great. awkward. I joking refer to this guy as 'dreamboat' but seriously...I don't plan on crossing those lines anytime soon.

I believe ryan is beginning to think more seriously about me and him becoming a 'me and him.' it's not that I'm absolutely opposed to this idea, but I doubt he'd plan to be in anything besides the long haul with me. I don't know man...

I'm tired of being in a relationship, and I'm tired of not being in one. the idea of dating ryan is simply a safe alternative to the possibility of being alone - and being alone is an idea that I'm definitely opposed to. I don't think I'm in a place to settle or move on yet. shit, I still check my phone to see if steven has texted me or called or whatever. he hasn't, if anyone was wondering. he hasn't said anything since I let him know our friend tom is getting married.

so I go from not being in control of our situation - he ended things - to being in control - he all but came crawling back to me - to being totally blindsided again by his lack of response to me. it's been just a little over 24 hours, but that's long enough. I'm involved again, and I'm alone...still? again? I'm taking his number out of my phone. again.

I was just beyond the point of thinking he'd be back in my life. I stopped looking for his car as I turned down my street. I almost didn't even recognize the number when he did finally get in touch with me. apparently singledom hasn't been good for him either, even moreso than for me.

annnnnnnnd we sit in the office and talk about sex. poor kerry hasn't had any experience in that department, not even on the smallest level possible. I've had way too much. I legitimately miss having sex. how do people go so long without it? I don't understand.

steven brought up sex the other night, and I told him to stop talking about it because I already have a hard time not getting any. I don't need to talk it over with the one person who was the best lay I've ever had. this single and tainted thing is practically painful. it should be illegal to be a virgin or to be a involuntarily-born-again virgin.

shaun sent me a message yesterday asking if I would go riding in his convertible during lunch. no thanks, I'm not him. carrie bradshaw put it best when she said "good in paper means bad in bed." I never slept with shaun (in fact, I told him almost at the very beginning of the date that I wouldn't), but the thought of his mouth getting near mine makes me a little more than nauseous. bad sign. no chemistry. if you're wondering whether you can formulate some modicrum of chemistry, I'll be the first one to tell you it's not fucking possible.

and of course there's always chris. chris is safe, too, but not in the way that ryan is safe. chris has been a constant in my life for close to ten years. ten fucking years! who does that? ten years later, and kissing him still shoots electricity to my toes. I hardly know anyone who feels that way about another.

I am a person who generally thinks that love is a choice. this is probably a result of my alcoholic parent causing my non-alcoholic parent to go to program, which in turn has enabled us to grow up with program/alcoholic (depending on the day) parenting. but anyway, love is a choice. or was a choice. did you ever just love someone immediately? I loved jordan, kelly's daughter, since hte first moment I saw her. it was instant, and I felt a little pull in my empty heart (at the time) for that 6-lb baby. I still have this terrible soft spot for the little brat, and I can tell you that while I love ahslynn, I love jordan like an aunt loves her nieces/nephews plus some.

but love isn't always a choice I think. I love steven though I've also hated his fucking guts for the last 6 or 8 weeks. I've hated that I love him. I remember when I kissed kevin, I literally could only think about steven. I didn't want to admit it, but I tried to pretend that kevin was steven because I couldn't stand kissing anyone else. with shaun, it was a little different. there is and was no danger there. as soon as I opened the door to my apartment, I knew he was not It. when I kissed him, it was because I was 'supposed' to...or something. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he has a closet case of horny little bastardness. he was really sweet and fun on one hand, but there has to be some substance behind the fact that I cringe every time I think about him.

I am SO wimping out of calling him and letting him know I'm no longer interested. what a fucking pussy. I thought I was tougher than that. my kryptonite seems to be bad kissing.

other weakening agents? good kissing and great fucking. those get me every time (thanks steven and chris).

Thursday, July 10, 2008

to see you when I wake up,
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same
as I do, is a three-fold utopian dream
you do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line
if I say

I miss you.

I see your picture I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know
that I care

and I miss you.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

is change possible after so many years? is it worth waiting for? I suppose only I can really answer those questions. here I am, steven in the palm of my hand, and I can't bring myself to melt back into his arms. of course, that's easy when I haven't seen him in well over a month. the only big downside to that is our physical relationship is outstanding...we're affectionate, touchy-feely, attracted to each other, strongly enjoy being naked around each can you beat that?


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

the code of the universe and another gonna.

ok, I'm back to the universe. kelly was always the person who believed in 'signs' all the time, saying there were things that happened for a reason or were preamble to other, greater things. I was generally annoyed by this notion, mostly because I'm a big believer in creating my own destiny. however, as of late I've been noticing a lot...

yesterday the whole steven thing was weird. I found out later that he'd had a dream with me in it the night before as well. how weird is that? today I was planning to talk to dr l about my intentions for leaving this position, and on my way into the office she stopped me in the hallway and asked to meet with me later today. wtf? it seemed like every time I was considering staying in this position, sticking it out another year, or try to move up and shine, rob would be a dick. or felicia would make me feel like shit. or our office was again dumped on with another responsibility. these events forced me to remember why the hell I no longer wanted to be here.

so in these situations, I wonder: while we might control our destiny, is there another force out there with good advice that we may or may not hear?

steven and I spoke last night. I don't really know what will happen next or what I should do. I have a hunch that we'll attempt to get back together, but then what? he'll probably fuck me over YET again, and I'm not interested. I love him and I'd really rather stay with him, but it's a matter of survival not to choose to get burned over and over and over again. I wanted to shudder every time I heard "gonna." that word shouldn't even exist. it's a siren that screams "I'm you, to myself, to whomever, but whatever I'm GONNA say is bunk."

my dad is a gonna. I don't need another gonna.

I've tentatively decided to not pursue this steven thing for a while. I'm not sure if I ever really want to get back together. I asked him last night, point blank, if he ever intended to marry me. if not, then I was no longer interested in this whole thing - four-plus years or not. I deserve for him to be fucking real with me, not this gonna bullshit. my plan for now is to not take an active role in this situation until he gets his shit together, like his money problems worked out, he joins a gym, he cuts back or quits smoking, perhaps goes to therapy, and overall shows measurable improvement.

please don't misunderstand me; this is not for me, it's for him. I believe he needs to get better to treat people better. he hates his family and the way they've turned out, but he knows he's better than that. I think he just needs to rise above their crap and really show himself to not be white trash. I see him following down the same path they tread if he stays in an environment like his house.

I have a real problem with people turning their backs on their families, and I would never ask that of him. however, there is a point and time when you realize your family doesn't know best. sometimes, though it's a tough thing to swallow, they're selfish. and small. what if you're meant for greater things?

my dad could never help himself, and my mom couldn't change him - no one could. there is no reason why steven should make that same mistake, and there is no reason why my mom should have dragged her life through my dad's insurmountable bullshit.

I should really take the time to tell steven this stuff beause it's worth it to me and it should be worth it to him. I care about him WAY too much to let him go. even if we never get back together, I will never let him go. I'd already resolved myself to that fact.

one thing that still lingers is that he said the last time we spoke that he was not in love with me anymore. that thought burns a hole in my soul, I tell you. I'll have to ask him about that, too.

ugh, this is not easy. I don't want easy, but damn. this week has been crazy. I gave my notice, and I was then offered a job. I'm moving onward, and it doesn't feel real yet. I need to get my shit together. there is no reason why I should let my life go by the wayside, especially not now.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I've been all but hyperventilating for the last 1/2 hour or so. I fucking knew he would contact me. all weekend I was waiting to encounter him - I knew he would find me somehow. I was driving myself nuts thinking about him and wondering and getting totally nervous. I called my mom to just be in touch with 'home base' and tell her what was going on in my head, and she made a really good point that made me feel better: I was expecting him to contact me because it's historically what has happened. so I gradually let it go...and then he texted me. it was quintessential panicky moment: my blood literally ran cold through my veins. I didn't want to believe that I recognized the phone number at the top of my screen.

I knew the universe or god or whomever was trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to cave in and call him first. now he wants to talk.

I keep having dreams with him in them, and last night was probably the weirdest and most resounding. I was with him and his nieces/nephew and mother, and we looked outside to see a tornado. it was getting closer and closer so we all took shelter in the basement. that was pretty much it. I kept trying to find him, or reach him, or something...but that was it.

the dreams with him are inconclusive which I'm personally tying to the fact that I still don't know what I'll do if I see him. he asked if he could just call me tonight or maybe see me after work or something, but it sounds like it might be bad. god, what if he knocked some other girl up? what if he has been in another relationship for months now? I can see the possibility of this relationship not working out, so now he wants to be back together. fucked up, right? my heart keeps palpitating.

last night I came home and just laid down on the couch to relax in front of the TV. since I've been in this weird, melancholy mood, I didn't want to pick up a book. I laid there and thought I kept hearing something knocking. it's not like it was windy or anything...but I kept hearing things. I realized right before I went to bed that my front door had been unlocked almost all day. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone had been inside or was lurking nearby. I barely slept and kept 'waiting' for someone to show up.

am I crazy, or was the universe trying to tell me something?

chris kissed me the other day. if you would ask me if it was good or not, I'll tell you now: it was amazing. chris is chris is chris. I feel badly because I shouldn't have perpetuated his infidelity, but I couldn't help the sweet slip of his tongue between my lips. I was putty in his arms.

is passion something that's used up after so much of it? I still felt that same passion when I kissed chris four days ago as I felt 5 years ago. I still get butterflies thinking about steven. I know that we would still be able to make some serious waves in bed. clothing is optional when we're together...talking or fucking, we can't put out that damn fire.

maybe that's why I didn't feel anything for shaun. poor guy. he is so ready to commit to something else. I'm glad I finally asked if he'd been married before because I wouldn't otherwise have known. that big C word makes me want to vomit right now. I know any commitment I would make as of now would be a mistake - it would be for every wrong reason, like because I need help paying rent as I go back to school, or because it's familiar, or because I just needed someone to hold me as I fell asleep. or, let's be honest since we're talking about me here, because I am self-destructive at the most vulnerable times, and I'd be with someone for no other reason besides I seem to be attracted to some form of emotional suicide.

I should probably not continue talking about this. I should post this and come back later. my heart won't stop fluttering.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

did you ever think that someone has ruined you?

david is home because he's wanting to 'dry out.' his drinking has gotten really bad, so he wants to stop for a while. he stopped for...a day. maybe two. we had to pick him up at the bar yesterday. at least he didn't drive? arguably, I suppose it was his mother who ruined him. yesterday he referred to her as 'bitch' twice, and tim (as kind and loving as he is) all but agreed with dave when I yelled at him for calling her names. she is a bitch.

I'm pretty sure steven ruined me. who the hell will I trust again? I never even fully trusted him. my mom always says if you win a guy who cheated on his wife/girlfriend with you, then you'll always be dating the guy who cheated. it's kind of a 'duh' comment, but it reminds me to think about things...was it ever really going to work out?

I also think about the fact that I might not be the marrying type. what if I'm really not? I had a good run with a (sometimes) great guy for a few years. I suppose it's just time to move on, but that's just the thing I can't bring myself to do. confession: I keep thinking (and maybe even hoping) that steven will come dragging his sorry ass back to me. I'm not used to this breakup gig, but I hear that's a typical response. I don't even think I'd take him back, but I want him to grovel a bit.

life goes on. I may be ruined, or I may just never wear a veil in my hypothetical wedding. dave may be ruined, or he might just find something better to be addicted to. you just never know.

Friday, June 27, 2008

ok this is getting ridiculous. I literally haven't done anything for almost 2 hours. felicia was being particularly bitchy today, and I know she spoke to one of my students without doing me the courtesy of updating me.

tonight the sisters and I are going to an art show - at least, that's the plan. who knows what kristin will do. I need some coffee and a reason to feel other words, I'm game for going out. I only cheated on the drinking thing once this week, and it was the day after my meltdown that I had a glass of wine. does it count?

I wish I could draw some pretty pics or something, but there is a level of transparency here that allows me to only fuck around 30% of the time.

and yet, I haven't done anything in 2 hours. le sigh.

kerry and cindy are trying to convince me to hook up with kerry's intern mike. he's cute, and apparently (according to one of our students) he's newly single. you know, I'm not all that interested to be in a relationship with someone who is as marginally vulnerable as I am. I don't know what I would do if I encountered steven right now; maybe in a month or two I'll know, and then I'll be ready...right?

fuck, am I setting myself up for being the weird, single chick? fuck that. I like sex too much.

I need to tell them soon that I'm leaving. the exec secretary asked me if I was the one going to a specific convention in august, and I said that I am - well, that I'm supposed to. however, it's the weekend before my birthday and the beginning of the semester for me. oops. I should probably get on that...

kevin imed me today while on fb. that was awkward. he also called and left a message for me last night. I hate that I am such a shadeball, but I don't know why he would want me to call him or remain friends with him. the night he was over at my apt was a complete fucking disaster. I cringe every time I think about it. and then...he calls me? I don't get it. I don't know why he wouldn't hate me. I would hate me.

this is me trying to work myself into a state of mind where I can start writing my book. this book, I tell ya, is going to make me millions!!!! well, that's what I dream about anyway. I really can't wait for it to happen. I need to get started. I have so many ideas!!! I want it to be fabulous, I want it to reach my audience, and eventually I want to be one of those fantastic writers who people equate with words like 'timeless' and 'classic' and 'intuitive.' I wouldn't even mind being a writer who people simply talk about. I'll buy that.

speaking of dreams...I dreamt last night that steven realized his terrible mistake and wanted me back. the thing is (and this is how I know I'm not ready for anything yet) I was undecided on how to respond to him. 'no' wasn't the 100% answer, but neither was 'yes.' I think I was more concerned with the fact that he knew he fucked up.

ok, now I can sufficiently pack up and go home in a few minutes.
well this is fun. it's friday, and I don't have anything to do. not really. it's a catch 22 to be moving on...I don't feel like starting new projects or finishing new ones because I won't be here. I end up instead being bored and getting pissed that it's almost july and I don't have a tan. I don't have a tan! there is a perfectly good sun up and out right now, and I'm sitting here with no way of partaking in its fabulous skin-browning qualities.

ok ok I'm reaching here. I just hate this place. I get almost the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about traveling as I do when I think about steven.

oooooooh steven. what a selfish prick. that doesn't even make me feel any better. why should it? I dated the selfish prick for 4 1/2 years. I'm not the winner here for being duped (literally and metaphorically) for so long. I said this to brittany the other day: what is it about me that is so damn expendable? why is it that I can't possibly bring happiness into someone's life, enough so that we're both happy? I realize we're not supposed to have all the answers to these stupid questions, but dammit! I don't understand how it's so simple for some people and so difficult for me.

simple scenario: guy meets girl, girl and guy like each other, they date. girl and guy love each other, they get serious. they make a life-altering decision together and decide to get hitched because, well, that's what you do when you love someone: you want to be with that person presumably forever, right?

well in TheaLand, that's WRONG.

TheaLand scenario: we meet. we like each other kinda. we start getting physical, but not all the way. then I fall in love. then we get physical. then I realize I'm an idiot. then he realizes he loves me. then I play pawn to his emotions HE skips out on me when he finds another person he'd MUCH rather commit to. or something.

am I not the marrying type? guess not.

technically there cannot be an established pattern until there are three things that happen similarly, like three husbands of the same woman die mysteriously (funny I use that comparison...). so right now I'm at the 'coincidental' stage: the two people I loved more than anyone else in the whole damn world both dumped me. DUMPED me. reason? they couldn't commit - not to people, not to the idea of marriage or just a bonafide relationship - but they couldn't commit to ME.

this is bullshit.

the part of this whole steven thing that devastates me is not that the end was so shitty (though it SO was). the part that bothers me is that there was so much GOOD, too. we had so many GOOD times. the sex was so GOOD, he could be so GOOD to me, he was so GOOD to be around. do all good things really have to come to an end?

brittany and I have talked before about how she and I are in a perpetual state of waiting: we're waiting for things to bottom out, get bad, show its true colors. it's not that we're pessimists or totally cynical (though I've been known to be both); it's that things have always bottomed out. always.

I'm terrified of the next portion of my life I'm entering into, but I can't stop asking that very question: what next? what the fuck am I supposed to do now? do you know how much weight we place on familiarity? I spent over four years with that fucker, all through college and through some of the craziest things with that kid, and now he's gone. gone! he has no desire to be with me any more. at all. that's it - he decided he's through with me.

overwhelmingly, more than anything else, I am so furious. I'm more pissed at myself than I am at him because I let it go, I let all this shit go, I said I was through and he convinced me to stay. he told me he loved me and said that I was his girl forever. then he fucking dropped me. the reason I feel like shit? because I let myself be treated like shit.

so I ask again: what the fuck do I do now.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I'm getting myself into some serious shit. chris came over last night and we hung out. I always do this - fall in love with him again. or maybe it's the idea of him? or maybe I just miss touch. and the banter. and he's comforting and maddening all at the same time. I need maleness. he fits the criteria.
nothing really happened. I wasn't going to sleep with him that's for sure, but it my goal and mission to kiss him again. I was wondering if his touch still has that searing, burning heat with me anymore. I don't even know why he has or had that effect on me. he's cute, and sweet, and wow the chemistry, but he's chris. he won't ever change. or will he? shit, you see? that's the false hope I always get when I start falling in love with him again. it's so, so easy.
I almost fell asleep in the crook of his arm last night, and I only woke up because he started kissing my neck and collar bone very softly. at that point, I couldn't bring myself to play homewrecker (again). he can make his own decisions, but I had already done enough damage between him and jessica. I know how to work chris, and I worked him up really good. I just stopped short of crossing The Line.
I honestly wanted to see if kissing him was the same anymore. I had lost interest in him on and off for the last 5 years, but I haven't kissed him since I was 18 and madly in love with him - and he didn't want a relationship until jessica came along 10 seconds later.
we talked about that. he didn't remember or understand why he dropped me and started dating jess. I told him I was still a little pissed about it. but it made me wonder if there is this unmistakable chemistry and attachment and affection between the two of us, why wouldn't we make it work? it's almost as if our relationship exists as an unattainable force - it only exists because it doesn't exist. that's why we always come back to each other and always stop short of The Line.
I still thought about steven last night as I nearly fell asleep with chris. I still thought of him as I just barely escaped the abyss of chris's mouth. I looked into chris's eyes and saw chris, but I looked into my heart and I still see steven. this isn't going to be easy.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

it's the end of the day, and I don't have much to do. I'm just going to sit and blog. they might fire me, but I dont have much to lose. I sent It in this morning, and I have another portion of It reaching the office by tomorrow or the next day. I'm excited. I told myself if steven ever ended things with me (which he did), I would simply quit my job and join the peace corps, military or just plain move away. he's too close here. it's driving me nuts. I need to delete him from my friends list so I stop internet stalking him, but I probably would look him up anyway. what I don't understand (tres usual) is WHY. what part of me is so undesirable that he can't be with me - fully, truly, deeply. and now WHEN am I supposed to move on?? my skin crawls every time I think about having sex with another guy. I slept with a guy this past weekend (just slept), but I woke up the next day horribly, irreversibly guilty. nothing happened. I wouldn't even kiss him, but I had my ass rested up against his cock and the only thing I could think of was steven. charming, yeah? kevin messaged me the other's as if he has this radar for the times when steven and I aren't doing so well. he wants to hang out again. it about killed me to politely tell him to call me when he got to town so we could hang out. I don't have any desire to be near him. he's riddled with addiction, mostly an alcoholic. my dad was impossible to spend time with on his birthday - why should I repeat that disaster with kevin?? ugh. I don't even know if I'm pregnant or getting ready to bleed. either way, I haven't been sleeping, my appetite has been really weird, and I've 'drank my dinner' more than once in the last few weeks. I really, really don't want to spiral down that path. I'd rather off myself. my dad has been trying for years. I just don't get it: why does steven think that his problems are so much bigger and more important than anyone else's?? I thought adversity toughens people up, not make them self-pitying bastards. I'm no hercules, but for fuck's sake! my life is no worse than the next person. speaking of bad situations, k is pregnant. this is very unexpected, and she's married. it's concerning because she didn't plan this one, and she doesn't have the money to accommodate another child. I feel really awful for her, but I'm happy at the same time. I'm almost positive it's going to be a boy. GOD I keep going back to this, but WHY dammit! I need some closure. closure would be good. I don't want to see him...seeing him would put me in a very vulnerable situation. my legs would give out, my stomach would flip flop, and I might even start to cry. I fuckin hate crying in front of him. I generally don't. you know, he has pushed and pushed and pushed, and I am finally out of his life. what now? what the FUCK now??? I guess no matter how I feel or felt, it was never really meant to be. fuck him. fuck this. I can't believe he finally succeeded in deleting me from his life. how does he do it? I want to know. I'll even take notes for fuck's sake. I'm so mad. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad. I miss his touch and his face and his jokes and his stories and his stupid car and his stupid town and his stupid smile and everything. I can't afford to forget a part of my life again, but I don't want to remember how much I miss him.

Friday, May 23, 2008

4:22pm another day, another 8 minutes to tick by while I wait for the day to be over. I am so ready to be outta here. I was just on the phone with a guy who is interested in one of our programs and he stressed me out so much. he was asking 9203842093 questions, most of which I couldn't answer. people are like that, man, asking questions that the other person cannot possibly answer...then feeling powerful and intelligent because I don't know how to answer. siiiiiiiiigh it is a friday conversation, one that makes me more tired than I already am. I'm going to sylvia's surprise bridal shower tonight, then who knows? maybe out? I dont know. I'm just ready to head out. it's too pretty outside and there's too much going on for me to not be stir crazy. at least f didn't finish out the day in the office...that makes my day better. I'm getting outta here before L starts talking about another one of her ailments.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I'm having a really hard time focusing today at work. we have our tri party this evening, and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm in a lull lately at work so I have nothing to do between now and then. we're supposed to be working on recruiting dates for the fall, but I haven't been able to do very well in this arena for two reasons:
1. I hate traveling and recruiting so I have little motivation to work diligently on that schedule.
2. I hope to not be here in the fall so I have even less motivation to do the work.
I do try sometimes to find more opportunities to travel, but I'm serious when I say that I cannot force myself to work. it's like my entire psyche rebels against doing the work. I thought I was a fairly ambitious person, but my body insists otherwise. I'm trying to be less lazy so that I lose weight, get more things done in my life, and get over these 'funks' a little more easily. buuuuuuuuuuut then I get home after a long day at work, I take off my shoes and work attire, and all I want to do is lay down and decompress.
butthead hasn't called or texted me since the late afternoon yesterday. I'm letting it go...letting it go...I really don't want to attract negative energy becaue I can't really afford it. instead I sit at my desk at work and blog.
I have at least two - if not three - book ideas on the table right now and I can't wait to get started on them. I'm working on one with brittany and another with kristin, then of course I'll be motivated to write my novel. oh that novel. I wish I could figure out what I'm even going to write. I should continuously write down brainstorms and plots. there is no reason not to start, even without a real direction or idea. I've had plenty of ideas and I always think of really great portions and parts of a book, like how to start and end chapters. I haven't quite been able to figure out how to begin the entire book, but I've got the ends of chapters down pat. now if I could only manage to figure out the shit that's in-between....
I should probably get back to...whatever it is I can do to make myself look busy. when do I start this whole nursing thing?? is my life in a constant state of transition??? fuck! as soon as I relax and start to get used to something, I actually end up hating it and starting something else!! well my life will never be boring. blech.
ok, before I forget, this is a totally unrelated topic. BUT I can't tell sylvia this and I have to bitch about it. because that's what I do. anyway, I keep fucking digressing. my aunt v is wonderful, one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, but her 2 children are monsters. they suck her dry. she came in the other day to my g-ma's when my mom, gma and I were all working on the shower invitations and was pissed about having to rent a tux for jason for the wedding. she was asking because she was pissed about paying for kimmi's dress, shoes, her plane ticket, and now jason's tux. she wants him to just wear one of his suits (like a black suit). needless to say, it's not gonna work. sly wants no black in her wedding. all the men are wearing brown tuxes for god's sake! not to be picky, but black just wouldn't work at all.
I SO want to talk to sly about it. I want to suggest that she switch the birdesmen for the usheresses, then eliminate the need for jason to be an usher. it's too much to ask. the tux isn't that expensive, and kimmi's dress was SUPER cheap ; $40!! her shoes were only $25! I just don't have any sympathy. I have paid too much money already for weddings to have sympathy. if she has a problem with it all, then she should make her damn spoiled kids pay for that shit themselves OR tell sly it ain't gonna happen. that's all I have to say.
I'm so annoyed. I still really want to talk about it to sly..............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Friday, May 16, 2008

here I am again, the last 10 minutes of my work week remain and I can't focus any longer. I'm going to my dad's house today. it's his birthday, and he's turned 47. when I called him earlier he was sleeping, but I couldn't tell if the wilt in his voice was a result of being sleepy or drunk. or both. he rarely stays sober anymore. some days he's lucid, and others he's totally out of it. he asked, for instance, who I'm dating. I've been dating steven for 4 1/2 years now, dad. you remember him.

it's hard to recall a time when he wasn't so far gone. it wasn't long ago, but it really has been an entire transitional time-frame ago. I have gone to school, graduated, bought a new car, moved into my first apartment, and started my first real job in the time that he has ignored the life revolving around him. I dont think tony even bothers visiting him anymore. when did my dad stop being a dad?

I find myself surprised when someone follows through when they do something nice for me. is that normal? I remember with a lot of affection the day that my dad came home with a new tail light for me. things like that rarely happened: he sees a problem and can't fix it, so he finds another way. the end. no questions asked. how does that happen?

there is a level of accountability that I dont hold people to because who in my life has been held accountable? my mom divorced my dad, which shattered his world, and he never hit rock bottom. no, I take that back, he has completely hit rock bottom, but I think that he is finally somewhat comfortable in this world of pain in which he resides. it's as if it matches what he's felt his whole life, this personal hell. what else can you make of a person who was so alive and well not long ago?

I can't bring myself to think about him too often, because I see so much of my life in him - not the past, but the reality of the fact that he has eeked into every inch of my being. I've adopted methods of dating my dad, befriending my dad, feeling the inordinate amount of pain like my dad, reserving myself to the fact that I'll likely never be fully happy - like my dad.

my grandpa believes strongly in the power of the mind, that we decide how things affect us.

was his dad an alcoholic?

Friday, May 2, 2008

I have 20 minutes left and I don't think I can wait that long. so, I put off the work that's overwhelming my desk and blogging instead. I'll take the heat later.

I would really like to leave and start school finally. at this point, waiting tables or stocking shelves at a grocery store sounds so much better. I want to go to work, do my job, and go home...and NOT take work with me. I feel like there is no reason for me to constantly put myself out there to work work work. I'm a human being, not a machine, and while I love to work hard, I hate to work hard constantly.

I look at Pat and get sad. he is completely inundated with work and doesn't quite understand why people don't do the same. I have no desire to be boss because boss = serious responsibility, and I don't like it here enough to take so much shit home.

bitch bitch bitch. tim hates to bitch, and though he'll never admit it, he hates when I bitch about my job. I wish so much that he could get a job somewhere soon. he has certainly earned it. he has an education and a lot of experience, but there is no one out there willing to hire him. what the hell?? what company doesn't want a work-hungry nice guy to work for them? it drives me nuts.

speaking of nuts, my co worker...oh geez. she need serious therapy. I'm sure most of her problems (health-wise, that is) stems from the fact that she CONSTANTLY puts chemicals into her body. she drinks sugar-free (but not flavorless) drinks every day and takes at least 2 excedrin daily as well. top that off with the fact that she's also addicted to sleeping medication and we have a load of shit we're dealing with here.

I need to finish up work I suppose and get out of here. this way if someone walks by they'll see that I'm 'pretending' to do something. adios. coming soon: novel.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

steven and I broke up today. because I can't predict the future, I have no idea if this is 'it' but it doesn't feel like much else.

he left.

I walked outside to make sure his car was gone. I couldn't help but think that this is the last time he'll ever park in that spot. I can't help but think this is the last time he'll ever walk out of my door. he has my keys...I fuckin hate that. it means that I'll always wonder if he's been here - every time I come home I'll glance up at my bedroom window to see if the light is on. I'll walk up the stairs and pause for a moment as soon as I unlock my apartment to see if I can feel whether he's been there or not. this will happen every day, without fail.

he left. he won't come back.

I changed my mind. I wanted him to turn back around.

I don't think he'll ever know how I feel about him, and I don't think I'll ever believe he loved me. maybe it'll be easier to think he never felt anything for me; it was just easy to stay than to start over. you know, starting over is exciting and fun. it's supposed to feel wonderful and I'm supposed to be happy that I'm 23, relatively good-looking, free and talented, witty and outgoing.

ha. fuck the way things are supposed to be. it's not fun - not when everyone I see is steven, not when the I pretend that the lips I'm kissing belong to steven, and not when steven walks into a room and my heart flips.

no one else does that to me.

will anyone else do that to me?

will I ever see him again? I will. I'll hate it, but I will see him.

but will I ever love anyone again like I do him....

Sunday, March 2, 2008

why is it that we're always waiting?

I'm waiting for chris and jon to show up so we can go to the science center. we were supposed to meet at 3...and it's about 4pm now.

steven and I aren't speaking again, and it's partially his choice (or his stubbornness) and mostly mine. we haven't spoken since...wednesday? thursday maybe? I lose track.

I'm waiting.

I think I attract people I cannot depend upon. I can blame my dad for this as a result of his alcoholic tendencies, which in turn has made me attract people like him. the truth is, I have to blame me. I let it happen - I allow people to walk all over me while masking it with an impermeable, terribly insensitive facade that generally indicates "she don't take shit off no one."

lately I don't recognize myself. my relationship with steven is perpetually tumultuous. my job is a series of anticlimactic moments that a year ago I would have said "defined" me. but am I the boring office marm? am I the girl who puts on high heels and kisses ass? maybe. maybe that's just what I've become.

on the short end, I'm waiting for chris to pick me up. I'm waiting for steven to call me. I'm hungry.

lately I've let my thoughts drift to a place that I'm trying not to acknowledge, and I can't help it. I have this irksome suspicion that steven will never want to marry me, that we will drag the wounded shroud of our relationship around for a while longer until one day one of us will finally have the balls to call it quits. then, as soon as we're over, he'll find the person he truly wants to spend his life with and marry her. perhaps I'm not the marrying type.

I was watching that movie with meg ryan and andy garcia yesterday - where she's an alcoholic? - and a lot of what she said reminded me of myself. sometimes I hate myself so much that I can't blame steven - or anyone really - for not loving me. it's such a sad, disgusting form of self mutilation and deprecation. I'm not a victim. victims are boring. sometimes, however, my tortured soul - as kevin called it - makes an unwanted appearance in my life and I don't have the strength to tell it to fuck off.

sigh. whatever. this pity train is getting me nowhere. I'll find myself one of these days and figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. I know I have a lot to offer, and I know I've got a good head on my shoulders and an even better heart. I'll swim for sure.

it would just be nice to know who's gonna be willing to lug my ass out of the water when I get in over my head.