Saturday, July 21, 2007

work work work

I am so tired. I need sleep and food. this is the best way for me to finally start writing something again. I don't really want people to see this, but it's a nice outlet when I don't feel like sharing..which is often. maybe I'll relax this way. it's possible, but not entirely likely. I spent so much time this summer doing nothing, and now I'm split on whether doing anything is a good idea lol. I need to be productive to be happy, but I was scheduling workouts around KMOV and I might have to add another job to the mix. today is uncle mike's bday party, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but mostly I just want food. is sushi addictive? I'm pretty sure it is. I want some more. I wonder if nick will pay me today? I need the cash BAD. this not working thing is, well, not working.

ok, story idea: this goes along with the rebekah grace store I did in high school. I've been stewing about it for a while because while it's sad, I've always liked that story. one of the "scenes" I keep replaying in my head is one in which the woman (I can't remember her name) is sitting in her shrink's office drinking a cup of coffee. there is almost a standoff in which the woman sips her coffee as the shrink tries to get her to share something, anything with her. "how are you today?" nothing. "you seem to be doing a bit better..." she sips her coffee. "what's new with so-and-so?" she blows to cool her coffee. "dammit, I can't do this one-way conversation with you. what the hell is going on?" she raises her eyebrows. "I'm doing great considering I've just lost my baby, my husband and my enthusiasm for life in general. would you like to add to the mix by killing off some of my relatives, too?" the shrink winces. "you're not doing anything for yourself by joking and glazing over this." "oh, but I am. maybe by pissing you off you'll have one tiny, small inkling of the enormity of pain I feel right now. perhaps you don't quite understand: I don't want to live. I don't have a reason to. I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me, and it's not coming back. I hate looking in the mirror and knowing I have had something so powerful, so encompassing, so earth shatteringly momentous, and it's gone. so, dr. wonderful, how the fuck do you fix that?" the shrink regarded her for a moment, wondering how the fuck she really was going to fix that, to fix her and make things better for her. she let out the breath she had been holding and decided. "well you're right. I can't fix a fuckin thing. I have to say, though, that you've just wasted your time even living this far

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