Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm getting frustrated again. I don't know how much longer I will last in my relationship - or lack thereof. I can't get past the weeks like this. I'm not one to wait around for someone to call me, but I don't appreciate not hearing from my boyfriend for days at a time. I'm sure there are things that are happening in his life that I'm not aware of, but that's just it: I don't have a clue what's going on with him. I typically look like an idiot when people ask about him because he doesn't share things with me. I don't want him to tell me everything, but nothing? only the bare bones? pick up the goddamn phone. stop by sometime. spend as much time with me through the week as you do playing softball.

I get so sick of this. I don't want to continuously explain myself to other people who don't understand my relationship. I don't always understand my relationship. telling people about us is way too much opportunity for introspection, and I'm not really up for it. sometimes I know in my heart that we're supposed to be together, but then other times I think, "what the hell are we doing?" I want so much more than what's willing to give me, and it's always been this way. I never wanted my relationship to be easy, but for fuck's sake! I'm constantly playing hide-and-seek with my expectations with him.

I can't stand when my friends are constantly around their significant others, or when they're consumed with their relationships, or when they spend all of their time together, but on some levels I'm extremely jealous of them. why can't he call me at the drop of a hat? doesn't he think about me all day? doesn't he want to be around me, to see me, to even bother me? I find myself having to play a cat-and-mouse game (when not playing hide-and-seek....ha) with him: I get mad when he doesn't call me, we fight a little, he still doesn't call me; then I give up, don't call him for a while because I'm fed up and tired of making all the moves; he then calls me, realizing that he missed me (imagine!) and that he hadn't taken the time out of his day(s) to talk to his longtime girlfriend.

it's tiring, and these days I'm not really up for it. I no longer doubt that he loves me and cares for me, but he taught me a long time ago that love won't solve everything. maybe he still isn't ready for me. maybe that's yet another cop out. I know if we take a break (AGAIN) I'll miss him, but I miss him now. when I start my new job, that might be a rude awakening for him. I won't be around like I was, and I'll be traveling most of the time. when, then, will I be there for him? he'll start depending on his friends a lot more which, at this point, isn't all that unusual.

ugh. I am so sick of this shit. I wish we could just work it out. I wish I felt like I was worth his time, but I don't always feel that way. god this is frustrating.

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