Friday, September 26, 2008

I feel like I've come to another 'final' decision. I don't want to be with Steven any longer. I don't think I even want to try. not that I'm proud or ok with the fact that I'm backing down from a challenge, but it's too fucking hard.

that kid made mistakes that I can't even bring myself to write down. I would've said in the past that our relationship was worth fighting for, but it's mere scraps now. I can't ever see him settling with me and actually staying true to his word. I can't trust him at all.

I don't know what changed - at least, what's changed besides the entire dynamic of what I used to call our relationship. he is not who I see myself being with in my future. in fact, I don't know who or what kind of a man I do see. I hate the thought of being alone forever, but what kind of a life is it to live when the person I love(d?) most has major issues with trust?

I asked him last week if he trusts himself. I don't think he does, but I get the brunt of that insecurity. the phrase "it never meant anything to me..." should be banished from the english language. you know why? because it always matters to me, to of us women or all of us who trust and love freely and then get absolutely fucking shit on.

the truth is, I don't know that I'll ever trust again. what is the point? I know it's a silly, broad statement, but I am so tired of getting hurt by the most important people in my life. I suppose it comes with the territory of living, learning, loving, breathing...

I need a cigarette.

it's really sad...I used to get all worked up about steven, but lately I barely feel anything except a slim shred of "safe." does that make sense? he's safe because he's seen me naked and still wants to sleep with me, he knows a lot of my flaws, he laughs with me and we still manage to have a good time together, he knows my history....god, how exhausting to go through all of that again with someone else? it certainly wasn't a cake walk with him, but at least we had the advantage of seeing each other all the time. it's not very typical or normal, I'm aware, but we got to know and love each other really quickly. ha! surprise surprise I love someone...quickly.

I think about whether or not we could've made this work, despite his indiscretions. would it have been possible? I don't know anymore. I can't even bring myself to think about bringing him around my family or seeing his lovely mother again. jesus, that'll be the fucking day. I don't think I have the strength or patience to deal with her again anytime soon.

I know my family and friends are saying things behind my back about the fact that I'm not particularly open about anything concerning steven, but why should I drag someone else through the punishment that is my relationship with him? oh there you go...if I was wondering if this was the time to get out of this thing, then here's my sign: punishment. I will do what I please with my life, including hang out with chris, tell the perfect lawyer no if he makes a move, and also say yes to trying to make thing work with steven. I know I sell myself short. I know I don't think I'm worth dating the lawyer...but if someone isn't rough around the edges, how the hell would they love me?

there's no way. I don't have what it takes to pretend or perform for someone. I suppose alone will have to do then. at least with steven he and I both proved ourselves to be headcases. that was so comforting...but I bet you he'll go down the same path as my dad.

that's the thing. I talk a lot about steven on here, and I talk a lot about my dad. and my relationship with my dad and my dad's relationship with reality have a lot of bearing on how I see myself and what I end up with for a boyfriend. granted, I've dated a whopping ONE person (truly, not those one-timer dates) for five fucking years, but still...the two major people I've loved I've also lost because they dumped me. they dumped me!! I'm not about to get all high and mighty and declare that I'm hot shit and they don't know what they're missing, but how else would I see this play out: I'm not good enough for them, so why would I be good enough for someone who's perfect?

perhaps I need to foster my own personal relationship before I can begrudge the male world for not loving me the way I want to be loved. in the meantime, however, I'll just throw myself into this world of singledom as a disinterested onlooker. there is no reason for me to explore if I can't convince myself I'm good enough to be loved again (or at all). I'll pretend that love never existed...the shards of steven and me are still stuck in my gut. I'm still bleeding that wound. if I venture out there now, god help me with what or who I'd take home.

on that note (I needed to end this writing hell of a post five paragraphs ago), I also want to say that steven is a complete fucking bastard. I am disugsted with him in every possible fucking way. I have given my whole heart, body and soul to him and he destroyed a part of me. I used to be able to flirt without reservations, crack jokes and make people laugh, swing my hair around and think "they may not think I'm pretty, but I'm going home with someone who does..." and he has obliterated that confidence in me. I hate him for that. I hate him for a lot of things, but most of all for making me feel unworthy of his own fucked-up love, let alone anyone else's. I hate him even more, too, for putting me in a position to see my future as bleak - almost nothing - and that is whether he's not beside me....or if he is.

I hate him so much right now I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him. I haven't said I love you in well over a month.

and with that, I'll end this horrible post.