steven and I broke up today. because I can't predict the future, I have no idea if this is 'it' but it doesn't feel like much else.

he left.

I walked outside to make sure his car was gone. I couldn't help but think that this is the last time he'll ever park in that spot. I can't help but think this is the last time he'll ever walk out of my door. he has my keys...I fuckin hate that. it means that I'll always wonder if he's been here - every time I come home I'll glance up at my bedroom window to see if the light is on. I'll walk up the stairs and pause for a moment as soon as I unlock my apartment to see if I can feel whether he's been there or not. this will happen every day, without fail.

he left. he won't come back.

I changed my mind. I wanted him to turn back around.

I don't think he'll ever know how I feel about him, and I don't think I'll ever believe he loved me. maybe it'll be easier to think he never felt anything for me; it was just easy to stay than to start over. you know, starting over is exciting and fun. it's supposed to feel wonderful and I'm supposed to be happy that I'm 23, relatively good-looking, free and talented, witty and outgoing.

ha. fuck the way things are supposed to be. it's not fun - not when everyone I see is steven, not when the I pretend that the lips I'm kissing belong to steven, and not when steven walks into a room and my heart flips.

no one else does that to me.

will anyone else do that to me?

will I ever see him again? I will. I'll hate it, but I will see him.

but will I ever love anyone again like I do him....

why is it that we're always waiting?

I'm waiting for chris and jon to show up so we can go to the science center. we were supposed to meet at 3...and it's about 4pm now.

steven and I aren't speaking again, and it's partially his choice (or his stubbornness) and mostly mine. we haven't spoken since...wednesday? thursday maybe? I lose track.

I'm waiting.

I think I attract people I cannot depend upon. I can blame my dad for this as a result of his alcoholic tendencies, which in turn has made me attract people like him. the truth is, I have to blame me. I let it happen - I allow people to walk all over me while masking it with an impermeable, terribly insensitive facade that generally indicates "she don't take shit off no one."

lately I don't recognize myself. my relationship with steven is perpetually tumultuous. my job is a series of anticlimactic moments that a year ago I would have said "defined" me. but am I the boring office marm? am I the girl who puts on high heels and kisses ass? maybe. maybe that's just what I've become.

on the short end, I'm waiting for chris to pick me up. I'm waiting for steven to call me. I'm hungry.

lately I've let my thoughts drift to a place that I'm trying not to acknowledge, and I can't help it. I have this irksome suspicion that steven will never want to marry me, that we will drag the wounded shroud of our relationship around for a while longer until one day one of us will finally have the balls to call it quits. then, as soon as we're over, he'll find the person he truly wants to spend his life with and marry her. perhaps I'm not the marrying type.

I was watching that movie with meg ryan and andy garcia yesterday - where she's an alcoholic? - and a lot of what she said reminded me of myself. sometimes I hate myself so much that I can't blame steven - or anyone really - for not loving me. it's such a sad, disgusting form of self mutilation and deprecation. I'm not a victim. victims are boring. sometimes, however, my tortured soul - as kevin called it - makes an unwanted appearance in my life and I don't have the strength to tell it to fuck off.

sigh. whatever. this pity train is getting me nowhere. I'll find myself one of these days and figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. I know I have a lot to offer, and I know I've got a good head on my shoulders and an even better heart. I'll swim for sure.

it would just be nice to know who's gonna be willing to lug my ass out of the water when I get in over my head.