Tuesday, December 1, 2009

as always, this is a way to put off what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm at rj working right now and though tonight hasn't been difficult, I'm trying not to be a massive bitch. I'm tired and ready to go home and eat chicken tenders and french fries, of all things. geez. one day I'm hoping it'll get a little easier.

I bitch about this shit and I'm sitting next to a kid who struggles so fully to mainstream and be as 'normal' as possible. what does that tell you? I need to modify my perception of how terrible my life is...because it's not.

my sister said something yesterday that hurt my feelings so badly that I don't want to talk to her for a few days. she mentioned how she doesn't like to call me anymore because I lament, or, in her words, throw it in her face that I work so much. it bothered me because I don't have the option of not working, and I wish I could spend even a fraction of my time the way she does.

I'm also really sensitive to my loved ones in my life saying anything about not spending any time with them lately. I get that I've been awol; I get that I'm often to busy to do anything with them. I understand that I'm not giving them the time that I used to. it breaks my heart and I don't like that part of this transitional time in my life. but I'm not going to taint my little piece of happiness because everyone else is unhappy with that decision. I can't be everything to everyone else anymore. I'm not always available to be everyone's 'go-to' person, even if they didn't think of me that way. I'm not willing to drop what I'm doing because someone has made plans and wants me to tag along. don't get me wrong; I sound like an asshole for assuming that people want to spend all sorts of time with me. the truth is, I just want to do my own thing and not catch crap for it.

I'm really on the defensive about this because I know I'm fucking up somewhere along the lines. I don't want to stop being friends with the people in my life just because I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to feel so fucking guilty for choosing eric over most other people.

I should call natalie. I should call ryan. I should spend time with both of them. I should stop bitching about it all so much and do the right thing.

but what the fuck is that?

I also need to address with eric the other half of my concern: him. in the past, he's gotten really upset when I want to spend an evening with one of my friends, usually natalie. he wants to do things together, and generally we are each other's 'plans.' but I do want to go out sometimes with just a few people, or just ryan, or just natalie. I desperately need an evening with just brittany. in order to keep the peace with eric, I should probably figure this shit out prior to pissing him off. I don't want to end up feeling claustrophobic. I love that kid too much.

I think, too, that things have the potential of evening out when his dad moves out and I subsequently move in. I shouldn't be in a hurry, but things are progressing, like it or not. it makes sense for us to really start sharing the load. also, it'll be easier for us to spend time together and apart because no matter what, we'd be living together. brittany could come over. natalie could come over. ryan could come over. sylvia could come over.

sylvia could be my freaking sister again.

that's another day, another conversation.

the problem at this point with moving in is that eric is avoiding the situtation on many levels. I don't blame him; avoidance is my defense mechanism when there's too much shit to deal with. his family is putting a lot on his shoulders and it's not right. it's ridiculous what they're asking him to do - like his mom telling him to call his dad's lawyers to make them stop filing a lawsuit. that's entirely her problem, and I think it's bullshit she and his dad are dragging him into it so heavily. they don't know that he wakes up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. they don't know that their bullshit is putting a huge strain on his teaching and his relationship with me. they have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. it sucks so bad...

he needs to talk to his dad about setting up a timeline for when he gets out of eric's house. he is a grown man and should not be relying on his son to fix things for him. he needs to get his shit together. I'm so mad about the whole situation that it makes me physically nauseous to spend time around some of his family. I just want eric to man up and kick him out. OUT

ok enough bitching. I need to study!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

here's lookin at you, kid.

life is going well these days, mostly. I still lie awake a few days a week worrying about money, my life, school, my relationship with eric, and so on. I know it doesn't do me any good, but I can't help thinking about everything on my plate.

this is the school story: I'm currently trying to get in the program at forest park or even meremac. that way I'm only spending less than $10,000 for my RN instead of the $37,000 for my BSN. with me and eric talking long-term (like, forever), I can't in good conscience take out another gazillion dollars to pay for my education. I won't do it.

so. at this point, the biggest thing stopping me from getting things really done and moving is me. I have such a hard time doing all the grown-up bullshit...it's like I freak out and avoid it altogether. I can cop out and say that it's because of all my baggage, but I have to move on, forgive my past, and take care of fuckin business.

today I'm hoping to look over the practice dosage test and then take it next week at fo po. I then need to talk to another advisor about signing up for the nursing gig and continuing those steps with vigor. I have to look into financial aid and any kind of grants I can get. this will happen sooner than later, and I can have a better attitude about it all because that's what will get me through this. everyone else in my life supports and believes in me; why can't I?

in other news, eric and I really are talking about the future. he said specifically last night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. it's not the first time that's come up in our conversations, which thrills me everytime I think about it. I love the idea of being his wife, of him being my husband. and that's not it; it's more than an idea between me and him. it's so much more tangible than that. I remember telling him in the beginning of our relationship that I've never been anything but myself around him, and that's still the truth.

I can see waking up with him every day, I can see making babies with him, I can see him being an incredible father, I see him being a part of my family, I see him with me always. I'm so freakin crazy about that kid. I love touching him. I love talking to him. I love hearing and watching him sing and including me in his musical life. every day I fall more in love with him, and I thank the high heavens for sending him to me. this is what I was waiting for. all those silly romantic songs about finally finding that one person really do have some merit. we make so much sense together where steven and I didn't. what steven and I had in passion is more than made up for in eric's love, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, drive, confidence, caring....I could keep going on and on. the passion I feel (or felt) with steven keeps waning as I feel more and more passionate about eric.

ok, enough super sappy talk. the bones of it is that I have finally fallen in love with a stand-up guy. I told him the other day that I was so, so lucky to have found him. I always wait for the bottom to drop out in my life, but I see no real bottom with him. I think he loves me and wants to be with me too. I think I knew since the beginning that I could see a real future with him, and while it killed me to wait around for him to come to any realization on his own, my patience paid off. he asked me a few weeks ago that he wanted us to move in together. he's said more than once that he hopes and plans to get married to me. he regularly melds our lives together in the future tense; when I mentioned 'my dog, Mac..." he corrected me and said 'our dog!' I'm so excited to have someone who wants to share his life with me. I'm excited every morning to wake up with him. how cool is that?


we got into a huge fight the other day. huge screaming match in the middle of the night. I was so angry that I got my dog and my purse and tried calling someone to come pick me up (at 2am). things ended up ok, obviously, but it was fairly dramatic. the basis of the fight has to do (again) with his questioning my level of commitment, and that it really bothers him if I mention other guys in my life. it started with me getting a text from steven. why the fuck was he texting me anyway??! but he did. he wanted me to come over or something, and he said he still loves me. he was really drunk, of course, so I sent one text back telling him to have fun and be careful, but no, I'm not coming out to see him.

so when I told this to eric, that's when the fight started - the fight that we were supposed to have had weeks ago. we duked it out and got a lot of shit on the table, but I walked away without feeling settled about any one thing. he was so patronizing and didn't take what I said seriously. I couldn't tell why...? like, does he just think I'm some silly young girl he can't take seriously?? it drives me nuts. I'm so much more mature and level-headed than so many females my age, first of all, and secondly, my concerns were legitimate. I mentioned the fact that I thought his relationship with the band girls sometimes bordered on inappropriate, and he called it a 'moot point.' what the fuck? ok, I get it, I don't have anything to worry about. but it's not a 'moot point' because it bothers and concerns me, which really was my biggest argument.

what I really hate about the whole scenario is that I walked away feeling like shit. I also have all of this anxiety about the littlest things because I don't know what's going to bother him or set him off. I hate that he harbors those feelings and then explodes on me later. I have no idea if he's even mad till it's way too late. I'm a 'fixer'; I like to make things better, and I can't begin to do that if he refuses to address the problem head on.

I actually mentioned this to him the other day. his mom is being really ugly throughout the divorce, and while some of her actions are unfounded, I think that many of them are a result of her harboring anger and resentment so long that it's coming out in an explosive and henceforth destructive way. eric does the same thing, though he's obviously not nearly as awful as his mom has been. so I approached him when we were getting along and in a 'safe' place (metaphorically speaking) and I asked him if he thought that his mom was perhaps dealing with her past feelings now. I then said that he does the same thing, and he's in danger of dealing with them negatively like she is if he doesn't attend to the problem initially.

his response was that he's had this conversation a hundred times before, that that's the way he is, and that he holds things in. I told him that he may have talked about it before, but not with me, and he may have always been that way, but he doesn't have to be. I asked him to make a concerted effort to address shit in the present because...well, because shit is better fixed, is all.

to further update on the eric situation, this morning he told me that when his dad moves out (he said hopefully by the summer...gulp...I was hoping by january), I'm going to move in with him. he's then going to pick up a summer job and start saving for my ring...! we both want a short engagement and a small wedding, probably at blumenhof. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I asked him if he knew the tradition of spending a certain amount on my ring, and he said, "yeah, two months' pay, right?" I'm like whoa! no thanks! I don't need anything fancy! but it was cute, all the same.

I can't wait to really get started on my life with him. I can't bloody wait.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I spent most of my evening at home, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I read my book for a while (I'm reading 'fall on your knees') and then remembered to eat and do a few things around my apartment.

I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.

the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.

brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.

britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!

the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.

it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.

I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.

no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.

is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....

but man, my heart won't listen to reason.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

not again.

today is eric's birthday. he's 31. in other news, I overdrafted on my account for the first time today. too bad it was because I had to buy ingredients for eric's birthday cake (which is sitting in the refrigerator because I haven't seen him since sunday) and a pregnancy test. those are just the two transactions that I didn't catch before I drained my savings to save my ass; I also bought a $50+ bottle of glenlivet. for my boyfriend. for his birthday. he's 31. I'm reallllllly happy for him.

I probably shouldn't be spending this time alone being so bitter.

this is what bothers me the most about right now, this moment: I've been here before. I've fucking been here. I never wanted to do this again, and here I am. fuck, I could be pregnant right now with no idea whether the father gives a shit about me.

moments like these make me question what could be wrong with me that makes guys think I'm so expendable? I've asked this question before. I've wondered it many times over....I've got to be doing something wrong.

for all I know it's just a fluke lately, that we've both been really busy and it's so hard to coordinate our schedules. but I can't do that so early in the game. I think it's atrocious that we live less than ten minutes away and can't manage to see each other till the weekend. it's ridiculous that eric doesn't want to be friends on facebook or whatever because he'd rather connect with me, the real person, but we don't even connect......?

it sucks so bad because I'm generally a very laid-back person and I think that it's equally important for a couple to have time apart as much as they spend together. it's when things become uneven that it becomes a really problem for me. I want to start sharing my life with someone, and I can't keep allowing myself to be put on the backburner with all these (albeit legitimate) excuses. it's not fair.

I keep thinking about all the times with steven that I was miserably uninvolved. I was sitting here earlier, pissed off, re-thinking and re-evaluating everything between me and eric, and then getting more pissed off....here I am, with this unbelievable guy, and I'm so furious I could throw shit. it's the feeling of being left out and unwanted and not important that absolutely incenses me. uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! dammit, I don't care how great he is, that's bullshit! I don't want to DO THIS anymore! I don't want to constantly feel like this....fuck, I don't ever want to feel this way again! it's not fucking fair. not. fucking. fair.

and you know louise hay would say that I'm responsible for feeling this way. I know I'm horribly insecure and have a bajillion deserve issues, and that has almost everything to do with the way I'm feeling. actually, it has everything to do with it, but it's important to me to hold him accountable for his end. I thought I meant more to him than this................?

do I............................?

is it so much to ask to mean something????????????????? the here and now feels so much better than the retrospect, the I miss you I love you come back, the why did you leave.......?

................the I'm gonna.

I'm mad at myself too - totally furious. I fucked the shit out my money and didn't respect it, and now I'm in a bind with the bank and probably at least two places as a result of this. I'm mad, too, that I somehow made it ok for someone to treat me like this again. it's not a big deal, I know! but it's a big deal to me.

I purged myself of steven, and trying to rid my new relationships of as much of the shit as I can. I know I have the strength to get through it, but my heart is bound to just harden eventually and I'm not going to let that fucking happen. it would all be for nought if that happened.

all for nought.

I'm babbling now, but I can't release it till I get it all out. last year I think on steven's birthday I wrote a post that was so painful that it's hard for me to read it. I don't want that again. I don't want any of that again.

there is a point and time when I stop searching for my happiness and contentment and a place called home, and I'll come home, take off my shoes, look around me, and know that I've found it. I'm close. I'm just not there yet.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

it's been a while.

ok, I have to admit to myself that I create my own drama.

this week has been weird. well, the last couple of weeks have been weird. I turned 25 just the other day, and I'm feeling every minute of my age. the day was fun and laid-back....I worked that morning at 6, went to class, went on a run with mac, went out to dinner with eric, then out with natalie. I got rip-roaring drunk, called and texted people all night, kissed some guy at the bar, threw up on the way home more than once, spent the entire next day recovering, and got into a fight with eric. I also managed to get into contact once again with dreamy neighbor who proceeded to text me dirty messages the whole next day - a welcome and unwelcome gesture.

last week I went to alton with eric and brittany so eric could experience the block party. it was an ok night overall, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder, which was my fault. I spent almost all my money and I had to drive britt and eric home. we saw steven that night too....it fuckin freaked me out. b and I wanted eric to see the beagle since we'd been there so many times in the past, and lo and behold, steven was there. I saw him the last moment before we walked inside from the patio. so we sat down inside and ordered. in the meantime, b saw steven and started kicking the shit out of my shins to let me know. since I have a radar that detects my steven, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I would see him that night. sooooooo we decided to move to the other side of the bar to avoid contact; I didn't know how steven would react to my being there with another guy. luckily things went off without a hitch.

the adventures continue. my boss had a get-together at his place earlier in the week in honor of chad, alex and aaron's return, so I went. it was a lot of fun - till chad started grabbing my butt and hitting on me. I mean, when you've been mildly obsessed with someone like I've been for him, it's hard not to react in his favor. but I love eric, and I can't continue to sabotage my love life. it's unproductive. anyway, I went home early because I had to be at work at 6am. chad continued to text me and suddenly my phone rang around 130 or 2am - it was him. we talked for a while, and he all but made the offer to come over and...whatnot. I obviously declined, mostly because I just can't sleep with someone who's already slept with my sister. when I told him this, he proceeded to tell me that he has no feelings for her and that he thinks I'm much cuter than she is. ok, 1. I don't care about his feelings. I'm still not sleeping with him. and 2. telling me my sisters are anything less than totally and completely beautiful will put you on my short list.

I thought about my encounter with chad. I was so fucking floored by it. I assumed he was just naturally flirty, not interested. or maybe he's not interested and just wanting to get in my pants? that's extremely plausible, especially with him leaving in a couple of days for CT. but now I'm all verklemmt. and totally satisfied - I mean, I'm not going to sleep with him, the end. but knowing that he wanted to sleep with me was enough to satiate my need to know whether he was interested or not. it's the most hands-off sex I've ever had.

anyway, there is always 'more.' thursday I went out with natalie again, and we went to jive. I was so convinced that there would be a minor amount of drama that night that I decided to create my own: by texting steven. he responded almost immedately, much to my surprise/chagrin/horror. he started by being really argumentative, and I had to backpedal quite a bit, saying I was sorry I texted him at all. then he began asking me if everything was ok, and why did I text him, and how did I still have his number, and all these other things. so we went back and forth for a while, and I finally just called him (I was so tired I could barely stay awake to text, and besides....my thumbs were worn out.

...we ended up talking for almost 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. it was a really great conversation. we were able to get a lot of shit out on the table and explain things we were never able to talk about before. he said he missed me 'every damn day of the week' and he loves me still. I had to tell him that I missed him and loved him too (though it wasn't that hard to admit). we both agreed that we can't be friends because we don't have an in between; we're either together, or we're not talking. we're either having sex or we're fighting. we're either kissing and loving each other or we're not touching at all. 'friends' is not an option with thea and steven.

it was so wonderful to hear his voice though. I can't not admit it. I'm not so gravitationally drawn towards him that I can't function and I'm no longer in love with my bf, but we're so universally connected that I can't deny it; I have to be honest and just fuckin embrace it. I did tell him I have a boyfriend and that we've been dating for a couple of months. he said he was happy for me and that I deserved the best....and he wasn't it. he admitted I was the best thing in his life and that he purposely threw it all away because he was so scared of being (or not being) exactly what I needed and wanted...and deserved.

it was a weight lifted off of me, talking to him. I can put the phone back down and not feel the need to contact him. he said the night I saw him he thought the bald guy (eric) was jeremy, so thank god. it may have changed things. however, he's so....balanced? calm? something. he's still same old steven, but I could've talked to him for hours. he's so raw right now, like we were able to shed a lot of bullshit in our time apart. he said he isn't dating anyone (I don't think) and I didn't think he was looking to get back together or anything. I honestly think he wants me to be happy. I honestly believe it when he says he loves me and wants the best for me.

something else he mentioned was the fact that the last thing he wanted to do was move in together. he was really nervous about ruining everything we had together by driving each other crazy with daily living conditions (brushing teeth, doing laundry, riding the couch), which is respectable. no, you know what it is? it's the truth. he wasn't ready to grow up. he probably still isn't. not being with me might be a huge burden lifted from him - which is sad, but interesting. or something.

I still don't know how exactly to feel about it all, but I know a few things: I love steven. I told him so. I miss him. I told him that too. I want the best for him. I made sure I knew that. and I know that if our world keeps spinning like it does, we'll end up together. somehow. someday.

I'm not hoping for that. I wish I could take back so much of what we had. I wish I still had so much of what I already blocked out. but there are some things I just know.

and I know steven will be a part of my life again one day, probably a long time from now.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm not looking for a ring. am I?

it's a funny thing, getting into a healthy relationship with someone new. it means a lot of different things. for one, it means that we can feasibly consider the possibility of staying together. for two, it means that I'm feeling more and more ok with it.

I was thisclose to finally saying I love you last night. I want to wait for him to do it, but I don't think my big mouth will hold out. I can't help loving someone like him so soon.

so I've been (semi)secretly looking at wedding dresses online. of course, I love the ones that are ridiculously expensive. natalie and I are talking about having the hypothetical bridesmaids wear mustard yellow unitards. with sequins.

I'm sitting here staring at the computer, wondering how I put this shit in words. the truth is, I can't. I can't keep trying to explain this to myself. I'd rather just let it go, let it ride, experience it and be happy with the results. or at least not have any regrets. the truth is, too, that I can see myself marrying this wonderful man, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities between us. for instance, last night, he mentioned that perhaps his mom is mad at him for not getting married and having babies, and it was all I could do to not say something like "well you can have babies with me!" who says that one month in??

I keep mentioning to him the steps and directions we keep going in to him, and he just waves it away with his hand, saying it's silly to label anything. we don't need to label what is and has been just a good time.

but maybe I need the label for it to sink in....?

you know, in the grand scheme of anything, we've known each other 12 seconds. I can't jump the gun and assume that this is it, but god! the pressure! it's not even that bad, but man, bringing him to the wedding was not a good idea if I was iffy about him. everyone who met him was impressed, and I think they're all assuming that he's going to be It. should I listen to them? is that the universe saying something to me? it's just very confusing.

I go through spurts where I'm like "is this real? do I like him really, or am I just grateful for the companionship?" but then last night I felt crazy about him. I couldn't stop touching him, smiling when I was around him, and I slept thisclose to him all night long.

ahh! stop it! I can't be wary of the bottom dropping out! this is good, that's all it is. that's it! it can even stay good! it's normal!

ok, I need to keep getting these things off my chest so I don't blow up one day. that wouldn't do me any good. last night we were discussing me being a pain in the ass, and he's super concerned about getting into fights and dealing with a self-reported pita. we concluded that I'm sassy more than anything, so he's relieved, I'm amused, and we're still happy. he hates the idea of fighting, though. he's like dreading it. I, for one, don't believe a healthy relationship is without conflict, so hopefully we'll find a way to fight healthily. or we can at least have a foundation to start from - like counseling.

omg. I did just say that.

I'm rambling, I know. I talked to ryan a few minutes ago and he said to chill out and not worry so damn much. he's right. only time will tell.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

questioning the future. and my sanity.

I must be going insane. I want to tell eric I love him already! it's been like 12 seconds since we started our relationship, and I want to go There??! is this normal? god, I don't know.

the thing is, I really don't know if my feelings are for real or if I'm just having a good time and want to impulsively blurt out 'I love you.' I can't help it, though; I want to say it all the time. I have to catch myself constantly. I don't even know how he'd respond, or if he's just waiting for me to say it first, or what.......? uggggggghhhh

last night was kristin's wedding. it was really beautiful. she looked incredible, they look so happy, and almost everything went picture-perfect smoothly. eric was my date, and he was wonderful. I spent a lot of time dancing, which meant that he spent a lot of time hanging out by himself, but he didn't seem to mind. everyone wanted to meet him, everyone was asking about him, and I was put on the hot seat about 12900 times to explain his presence.

the truth is, I think that he's going to be around for a long, long time. I've been trying to take a moment here and there to review just how I feel about him and us. sylvia really likes him, my mom and tim both say they have great vibes about him, brittany and jeremy like him...I don't know what to say or do in response to all of this! I mean, I don't look for approval, and I've never asked anyone what they thought (maybe one or two people). kristin, in the midst of all her wedding shenanigans, made it a point to say to me "he's soooo cute!" jill thinks he's a great man, dave seems to like him.....

but how do I feel. how do I feel?

I've found that I'm coming to the crossroads that I don't think I've been to before: I love him, or I choose to love him.

so, he's quirky. he's cute, but not call-all-your-girlfriends cute. he's a little needy, but not overwhelmingly so. he's 30 and has been a bachelor, so he comes with all that boy baggage. he says 'I'm sorry' a lot. he drinks almost every night. he's a little whiny.

but he's malleable. he's smart, fun, a loving soul. his friends have separately told me that he's a great guy. he has an education and aspirations to be something better. we can talk about english-y stuff. he writes!! he loves and appreciates family. he used to be an athlete. he owns a house. he adores me, tells me I'm beautiful, and I feel beautiful when I'm around him. I never felt that way when I was with steven.

I've (sort of) tried to talk to eric about some of this, but he's not one for a titling anything. he thinks it's unnecessary. I have to agree with him partway, but I need something tangible to try and understand. this - we - don't make any sense yet. is he my boyfriend, is he a man friend, are we serious, are we just having fun...?

another issue I try not to concern myself too much with is the fact that he (nor I) have really divulged info about past loves - or our sex past. yes, we've talked about getting our hearts broken and we've talked about people we've loved in the past, but there's more to it than that. I guess we don't necessarily need to, but I'm curious all the same.

the fact is, I'm giving myself the opportunity to be (overly) analytical because I don't feel like taking these big, huge, painful chances again at age 24 or 25. I'm not old, but I'm too old not to learn from some of my mistakes. I don't have to perpetuate my self-destructive behavior. the grass is not always greener, and bad boys will always be bad. I have to tell myself until I believe it that the guys I think might be interested are likely not - they're simple creatures, these males. if they want something, they'll let me know. if they don't, then it's not gonna happen. the end.

anyway, I suppose I'm telling myself to be ok with one person for now. I can imagine marrying eric. I think about the future a lot. I want to fast forward and see what'll happen in a year or two from now. like, what kind of ring would he get me? when would we be able to move in together? where would I put all my stuff??

so here I sit, wondering and waiting. waiting and wondering. hoping that whatever and whenever time will tell, I'll be listening.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

titles & timetables

it's been such an interesting, whirlwind month. eric and I have progressed into much more serious territory. we're spending more and more time together, and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for him more each day. obviously, things aren't perfect. I can see that, even in our 'honeymoon' stage. however, things are great so far, and I'm really enjoying the ease with which we conduct our relationship.

I'm still terrified of a commitment, but I'm thinking that things are definitely moving towards something longterm - or forever. that thought alone made my stomach do a flip-flop. is that bad?

the thing is, I'm such a basketcase. a hormonal basketcase. I really like this kid, and I know things could end up being great longterm, but doesn't the grass always look greener....? more than once I've met his friends and have been mildly smitten with them. like his friend jones. he's good looking, financially successful, and if he's not sexually interested in me, then slap my butt and call me stupid because my signals are way off. then tim. omg. so cute. so sweet. did I mention cute? not that it's a huge deal, but he gave me a hug to say hi and goodbye, and I'd really only known him for one evening prior to that. again, I'd venture to say that he's mutually interested in me, but I can't fuck this up.

that's the thing: I'm thisfuckingclose to fucking things up. I don't need to go out looking for trouble; I've done a really good job finding drama in most parts of my life already, especially my love life.

I've said this to a couple of people before, and I'll say it here: I'm pretty sure eric is ready for something big to happen between us. I mean, he mentioned last night something about needing a place to stay if his dad moved in with him. I didn't feel forced (necessarily), but I think I understood that he was asking me if he could possibly shack up with me. ok. big, deep breath. wtf??!!! we've known each other a little over a month, and he's already thinking about taking that step? granted, we've spent a significant amount of time together lately, most nights even, but omg. that means a lot. a lot a lot.

ok, I suppose I'm freaking out because when I finally released myself from steven, I was able to see myself with so many other people. I felt beautiful and sexy again. I was legitimately interested in so many men who I previously couldn't see myself with. dreamboat neighbor said he was interested. kristin's adorable future brother-in-law has said multiple (positive) things about me. chad...well, chad is chad. ok, now I'm reaching. but my point is that now I'm free of steven and suddenly I'm in a relationship and I don't know if that's where I want to be. is it??

I said for so long that I want a no-bullshit relationship with someone who wanted to spend time with me, who was pleasant and fun and easygoing and friendly and...and...all the things that eric is, so far. but it's not scary so much as it seems so final. I mean, I can't even stomach calling him my boyfriend, let alone letting him live in my apartment temporarily and think about our wedding. you know what he said last night??! OUR KIDS. WTF.

basically what it amounts to is that he's real, and I'm really not sure about it all. I just started getting used to looking. I don't know if I want to fuck things up by saying "yeah, I'm not ready for this, I just got out of a longterm relationship (a fucking year ago) and I don't think I'm ready to commit, blah blah blah." the problem (oh, and there are many) is that I could say "no thanks right now" and he would be gone. donezo. and where would I be? I can't date his friends, and it's not like I have a whole lot of options elsewhere. well, not any good options.

so here's my compromise/theory: love, or relationships as a whole, are a manifestation of a decision made on the part of a person or a couple. I can decide to love eric (eventually), and I can decide to be with him now for an indefinite amount of time. but, to maintain my integrity, I have to commit to at least that decision, which also means committing to eric. the end.

well, I can do that. maybe. I may have to force myself to do it, to be an adult, but so be it. I can't keep compromising my character just because I have an overactive vagina.

ok, on to the next order of business, which is also in the title: timetables. when is too soon? this whole dating thing is so new to me that I can't figure anything out. I really think it's too soon for me and eric to think about moving in together, but who is to say that if we maintain our current relationship? if that's the case, then my sisters were right: I could potentially be picking out my wedding dress by next spring. *gulp* and oh god, what if I get pregnant? or what if I already am?! that would certainly put a spin on things.

so we're fumbling our way through this new thing we call a relationship. I'm hoping we're mutually clueless so that one of us isn't always calling the shots. I'm also hoping that my heart, my head and my vagina will all settle down so I can enjoy my life with this guy more fully and without so many reservations. brittany would say I need to chill, and so would natalie, and so would sylvia. kristin is probably the only person who'd be like "get it while you still can!!" but she is just now settling down and getting married, and she's 30. I want to get this show on the road a bit sooner if I can help it.

I don't know, man. I don't know which body part I should listen to. I also don't know if there is a valid reason why I'm so freaking nervous about starting a perfectly normal, perfectly fabulous new relationship with someone great.

I guess because it's been so long since that's happened.

it's a real mind fuck with him because I'm constantly reminding myself not to say 'I love you.' I mean, for god's sake it's literally a month to the day since our first date. now we're making meals together, spending most nights together, having lots of sex together...but it's still too soon in the grand scheme of my timetable. I can't even call him my boyfriend yet. good lord I have issues.

so more to come, I suppose. things are going rather well, and I do see a future with this guy.

I hope I don't fuck it all up.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

oh my goodness I can't believe my life right now. I really, really like eric. we had a great time last night, and we had a fabulous makeout session at the end of the night. I definitely know he finds me attractive, if you know what I mean...wow. that was a lot of fun. I had to drag myself out of the car to leave because I didn't want to. he's just really great.

so I get home and I'm riding on a high from being with eric, seeing him play (which was terribly sexy yum) and spending time with him in general, and I'm surprised to see my neighbor chris getting out of his car as I pulled up. I get out of my car to go oepn the garage door, and suddenly chris is standing righttherethisclose and is trying to pin me to my car and kiss me.

...................uuuuuuuuummm what??!

here is chris, hot, gorgeous chris who I've been pining after for months and months, and he's allll over me. his hands are everywhere and his mouth is hot and needy and all over mine. it's like the hottest thing that could have ever happened to me, and I don't know what to do.

so, of course, I said something stupid.

I'm like, uhhmm what did you drink - horny juice?! what is the matter with you?? so he explains (in between trying to eat me alive in the middle of the night, in the middle of my alley) that he's been interested in me for months and that I'm a crazy person for not figuring this out. I had NO freakin clue that this kid likes me. I just assumed that he's not my type, that he's got some other girl (or 190 for all I know) who fits the bill a hell of a lot better than I do, and he certainly didn't like me.

ooooooooh but he does. wwwwoooooowwww.

so somehow he ended up in my apartment, somehow I started taking his clothes off, and somehow my clothes suddenly disappeared. I can barely type how amazing he looks like with his clothes off. the whole time this is happening, I'm thinking, oh my god, wtf am I doing? I can't believe I'm doing this!!?? this is terrible. I was just enjoying an amazing time with the guy I'm slowly and surely falling in love with, and here I am, about to screw some jockhead neighbor.

so mistakes were made. I still can't fucking believe what happened. but oh my god, he's beautiful with his clothes off. nothing was 'done' by the time I just made him leave because I was so mad at myself. but even when he was leaving, he pushed me back against the wall, knocking things over, and kissed me so harrrrrd. uuuuugggggggghhhh I can't get over this.

at some point we exchanged numbers (I think that's supposed to come before sleeping with someone, along with, you know, dinner, drinks, conversation...) and he texted me. he wanted to spend the rest of the night together, and I staunchly refused. I had already taken a shower to try and wash off my slutty behavior (is that possible???) and I wasn't going to sucker into another siutation. but anyway, I went outside for one more rendezvous with him, and he climbed over the fence so it was much easier for him to grab me and make out again.

now, I'm nothing if not experienced as a lover and kisser, so I know he had to be sufficiently impressed. but I had to end the evening. it was Time. I can't two-time these guys. I like eric too much, and I've already seen way too much of my neighbor for comfort.

I seriously, seriously still can't fuckin believe what happened. I can't believe chris likes me. I'm going to have to get over it and forgive myself for the indiscretions. eric and I may be going forward exceedingly well, and we're likely going to have a future together. I can't tell him. I can't. it would probably ruin us.

so today I'm a little sore, fairly embarrassed, somewhat impressed with myself for standing my ground (cough cough, AFTER the fact), and totally inundated with flashbacks of chris's body. le sigh. oh, and my face is totally chapped from making out with two scruffy men.

how do I feel about all this? hmmm let's see. I'm still surprised that chris admitted his feelings for me (whatever they are and if they're for real). he even said that he was totally bummed that things were going well with my 'date' (aka eric) because he wanted to get involved with me. I'm mad that I fed into my hormones so heavily. it's like eric got me all primed and ready, then sent me into the proverbial firepit with chris. I want things to work out with eric, so no more chris. check. and keep hormones in check. check. and sleep. check.

I am allowing myself to forgive me for doing something stupid. I can't change the past, but I can certainly be better in the future. I allow myself to enjoy eric and other pleasurable things in my life, despite the silly mistakes I made. it's going to be ok. all is well in my world.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I am so 'in like.'

so, I've met someone. to say he's great would be an understatement. I can't help it: I'm smitten. his name is eric, and he's a high school english teacher (a word guy!!!). midway through our first date, he told me he's also in a band. !!! that like upped his sexiness factor by at least 30%. he's tall (about 6'2") and shaves his head bald (which I love) and almost every time I think about him I smile.

god, this is scary. but so far it's good.

you know, I figured it'd be harder than this to transition into being in a different relationship, but it's been much easier than I thought. I mean, minus the year or more I've tortured myself with steven. I have to forgive myself for being so naiive, so tolerant of the bad things. I don't know eric very well, but is he who I've been looking for or hoping for all this time? I don't know.

but he's great.

I really don't want to speak too soon, but I can see a future with this guy. speaking of soon, is it really too soon to say I miss being around him? I can't wait for the next time we get to hang out. is this what everyone has told me to hold out for?

is this a gift from my dad? is it??!

because he's such a gift. this has pulled me up out of a funk I never imagined was so deep. we met almost two weeks ago at a bar, for god's sake. brittany and I had gotten drunk at the cards game, then went to a bar and made friends with just about anyone we could talk to, then sang our hearts out in karaoke. there was this guy there who I thought was cute - he was wearing a bowler hat. anyway, britt and I rocked out and ended up singing bohemian rhapsody, which was the last song of the night. I vaguely remember talking to hat guy (i.e. eric), and he handed me his phone number. ha! I was so caught off guard I just stood there for a minute like an idiot.

there I was, drunk as a skunk, and I happened to meet some random guy AT A BAR while I was wearing something really impressive (uuuh, that's a lie - I was wearing a black tank and camo shorts with chewed-up flip flops). what's really a mind fuck is that I actually called him. I NEVER call guys!! I'd like to time travel back to that night to figure out what the HELL I was thinking.

to continue the story, mr bowler hat called me the next day. I was so chicken shit that I texted him rather than called him back. to tell the truth (and for the record, I admitted this to him), I was completely embarrassed of my behavior that fateful fri night. I couldn't even remember what he looked like. I wasn't even sure what his name was till he said it in the voicemail he left me. after talking to britt, she said he was eyeing me that night....

ok, here's where I'm confused. I'm telling you, there was nothing spectacular about me that night except for my amazing capacity to keep drinking past the point of no return. I was wasted, I didn't look adorable as far as I was concerned (my hair was even pulled into a ponytail), and I don't really remember any noteworthy conversations we had. so why.......? I had the gall to ask him on our first date. wtf did you call me??

I just think it was ballsy.

so he's nothing like I usually date, though he is tall and good-looking. he's emotional, smart, he likes art (we're going to the art museum tomorrow), he's educated, he gives a shit about things that go beyond him....wow I really like him.

can I say it?? can I????!!!!!!!

I can't. not yet.

but ps he's a really good kisser. and I can't stop thinking about getting him in bed. what is wrong with me?!!

oh, to just continue the list of Good, he's also really close to his family, especially his older sister, and he's mildly obsessed with his 1 y.o. niece. awesome.

I really can't wait to see how this turns out.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

over-squeezed lemons.

I've been really sad lately. losing my dad has been much harder that I thought it would be. maybe it's because I still feel guilty about not calling him back for two months. it might be because I see the haunting images of him wasting away to almost nothing. maybe it's because he was too young, or because he didn't get to be a grandpa for longer than a week, or because he only got to see one of us walk down the aisle.

maybe I just miss him.

death is so final. he's so gone. we won't ever hear him say those funny little jokes or make weird noises. he won't be able to fix my car or give me advice on how to make the engine run more cleanly. he's not there for my little brother to go to when tony fucks up. he's. just. gone.

I can't decide if I'm supposed to stay this sad. I completely fell apart again the other day, a little over a month after my dad passed. I just keep thinking about how brutally unfair it is to lose someone wonderful when there are so many ugly people in the world who don't give a shit about living and breathing and being alive. ugh it's frustrating.

right now things aren't particularly right in my world. I'm trying hard to find things to look forward to, things that will make me happy. is this just a difficult year? or do I just attract negative happenings upon myself? I guess either way I can decide how to best deal with it - be happy, or sad. be miserable, or accepting. be open, or be closed to the potential of good.

I'm trying to document this time in my life because I think it's necessary to know later when it was bad, really bad. I'm not sleeping much lately, and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm shanking on a lot of responsibilities. I cry at weird times. I'm terrified of men. I'm stressed easily.

so I'm going to try and read this book called 'heal your life.' I mean, there's always room for improvement, and I'm certainly not in the healthy lifestyle bracket right now. I need to fix some shit.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

so steven has somehow slipped back into my life. who knew....

I dont know what to do concerning him. I'm pretty sure I know that we won't ever get back together, and I'm pretty sure I know that because my heart is telling me it's a bad idea - not just my head.

I dont understand him. he says all these weird things that cross the line, then when I push any of the issues, he's like "whoa there! that's not in the rules!!" bullshit. dont pull that with me.

my dog nearly died today. I'm hoping he's still alive when I get home. I want to cry thinking about him being dead. it would be AWFUL.

dad is still in the hospital. he's really far gone. his doc said he'd be happy if my dad got 80% of his liver to work again. I don't really know what that means, but I do know that prognosis is less than ideal.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm pretty sure I need a vacation or I will likely kill someone.

yesterday I feel like I made some serious progress: I went for a walk with mac and rarely thought about steven. I still wake up thinking about him, and I still hate the thought of dating someone else, but at least I made some baby steps.

chad is totally flipping me upside down. I don't know what to do or think about him. he and I have been working together a lot lately, and I can't seem to figure out if he's being a player, or if he's naturally flirtatious, or if he likes me..............? ugh I don't know. I'm certainly not going to make the first move, that's for sure.

what to do with my life!!!!! I feel like it won't slow down long enough for me to catch my breath, but my love life remains mostly nonexistent. somehow I think that probably makes it better for me since I can barely get up in the mornings, let alone maintain a relationship.

I talk a lot about relationships on here, which is weird because I'm not generally the kind of person who is constantly plugged in to my relationships. that being said, it's probably what brought mine and steven's ... whatever it was ... to a screeching halt.

introspectively, I realized that I'm creating these monsters. I haven't let myself get attracted to people who aren't 'work,' so to speak. I like to be independent, but I love not being alone way more than paying all my bills. if I foster this world in which I always take care of myself and everything, then at what point will I let someone else in? my stubbornness has not had the rewards one would expect after putting so much effort into something.

in fact, if my relationship was with stubbornness, then I'd be getting a divorce right about now and begging for alimony.

when I see people who have relationships that I admire or that I simply like, I've been trying to identify and implement those things into my life. it's not just boy-girl unions; it's friendships and families and the like. it's not rocket science to understand that I have a strong personality. it's also not hard for me to realize about myself that I have a lot of self worth issues, probably stemming from my dad and his sickness. I see people receive things without a second thought or feeling guilty. I can't even enjoy a birthday dinner because I'm so freaked out about someone spending money on me, which isn't conducive to letting anyone romance me.

I need more patience. I need more time to just be me and not try looking for answers everywhere all the time. this is the part I should be relishing and enjoying... I think if I begin to enjoy my life, the people who enter it will enjoy me. it's not a diffucult concept. keeping some of the people in my life who are frustrating and maddening is only good for the history I share with them; otherwise, they make me late for work. they contribute to me failing my tests. they make me cry. they make me freakin crazy!

really, I just hope I can continue to move forward instead of mourning the past all the time and wishing for better things. the best things are close by. my happiness is dependent upon no one but me. I can't always change the world, but I can change what's going on between my two ears.

and most of the time, that's more than enough.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

my horoscope is weird today....

"You may have to give up your need for clear thinking today, for mental Mercury's alignment with hazy Neptune places a layer of impenetrable mist over your world. Your normally sharp perceptions lack focus now and critical analysis seems out of the question. Contrary to your belief, there's no need to struggle. Let your feelings guide you, even if you don't have the facts to back up your intuitive hunches."
I hope I'm just near my period because I'm consistently annoyed with anyone who moves near me. I pretty much feel like they're all jerks and I'm the only reasonable person alive, but that doesn't make any sense either. sigh.

I'm probably just hungry. or tired. or stressed. I hope I pass my classes.

the bridal shower for brittany is this saturday. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly. I just realized I hadn't planned for a sitter for mac, and he'll definitely need one. poor baby! he's been torturing me for not paying enough attention to him or something. brat.

I've been doing a lot better about the whole steven thing lately. I still think about him a ton, and now that I know he's on fb I've been mildly stalking him, but nothing over the top. I have days when I think about how great things were, and then I immediately have days when I can't believe I stayed with him through all the bullshit. ew.

it helps that I have distractions...chris and I had a lot of fun together while it lasted. I didn't want to encourage anything further with him because I don't want a relationship with him - again. he was going through a hard time, we hung out (and ultimately messed around) and that's it. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was going to break my heart again if I started getting feelings for him.

MY HEART: it's this expendable little thing. I think I was talking to my mom recently, and I realized that I generally set myself up for this kind of heartbreak. I hate the thought of someone taking care of me, or of being vulnerable, but I crave it at the same time. I want someone who lets me be independent and myself and who gives me free time and me time and away time....but I'm pretty sure I've created a person who ignores me, who gives me way too much space, who doesn't spend a lot of time with me, etc etc etc.

I tell myself that I want someone who makes things a lot simpler: I like you, you like me, let's hang out, date, spend more time together, seriously date, get married, make babies, the whole nine yards. I suppose I had something similar to that with derek (ew). I should probably stop trying to work within parameters so that I keep an open mind.

let's be honest here: I'm simply still not ready to be in another relationship. I'm still to raw and hurt and in pain. the end.

oh well. maybe someday.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

there are too many words.

I tried to tell myself that I would finish chemistry before I blogged or did anything else, but that went out the window. I want to write. I suppose there is a part of me with something to say.

I find this odd comfort in typing things - even emails. I enjoy my fingers tap-tapping on the keyboard, and a small sense of accomplishment in clicking 'send.' it's the easiest way to get something done. I guess I spent four years typing anything from numerous emails per day to newspaper articles to papers, essays, etc. now I'm only able to pound out emails with questionable content on a semi-regular basis.

I'm sitting at work with a lot to do and not a shit-ton of motivation to do it.

I got one of my weird feelings again today. I texted sylvia and called kristin and had already talked to my mom, but everyone was fine as far as I know. ryan was texting me, so I assume he's ok, and I texted chris to check on him. finally, I emailed steven. I figured it's been long enough I can at least ask if he's ok. I doubt he'll respond to me.

ok thea: it's over. it's over it's over it's over. I have to remind myself that. I wasn't asking for anything else from him, not even a hello (or a good-bye, for that matter). I'm trying on the idea that he's probably involved with someone else. his mom always said that troy (steven's dad) never could be alone. steven is much more of a loner, but he's always in a relationship. I don't see him being single for long.

I think I still have some growing to do before this idea fits. my heart is palpitating just thinking about this shit.

chris and I almost had sex the other night. I consider this an accomplishment, not regression (though I could and should do a whole lot better than chris, especially with our stupid track record). I really like my manager at the coffeehouse, but since kristin has already 'gone' there, I think I'll have to pass. I wonder if his brother is on the market....

I keep doing this: I'm looking. I don't need to look. I don't need (and shouldn't) to flirt, escpecially not with my freaking manager. but GAWD he's cute. anyway, back to maturity: I need to work on myself and be happy with where I am before I start (or continue) to look. I think my biggest problem is that I'm not just browsing for fun; I want a relationship. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of dating. I want to find love and connection and partnership.

I've turned from carrie bradshaw into charlotte york.

at least my email to steven was short and to the point. I've realized about myself that I don't like to be wordy anymore these days. I have no patience for it. the guy who I was talking to for like 12 seconds would send me really fancy texts, and he always wanted to taaaaaaaaaalk. ugggggggghhhh. I'm not necessarily looking for a good fuck with no conversation attached, but I don't want to deal with someone who over-psycho analyzes everything. I'm the female. let me do the over-psycho-analysis.

in other news, I have decided to not drink for a while, maybe a week. I need to take a break. I love to drink, and I love to hang out with people in a chill environment with a drink in my hand. however, I really like not drinking, too. I feel a much better sense of focus, and I like waking up in the mornings. I don't want to smoke anymore, and since I always smoke when I drink, I feel like shit in the mornings even more. at 24, I don't need to have those stupid drunken stories to fit in. in fact, those stupid drunken stories are sooooo passe. it's annoying to talk to someone who only has stories that involve booze. plus, I drove home completely tanked (which has GOT to stop) and subsequently threw up so hard that my nose started bleeding. that's when drinking is a problem, ipso facto I have a drinking problem.

though my drinking hiatus is only a week or so, I think it'll be really good for me. I'm going to welcome the focus and bid farewell to the emotional and physical breakdowns that accompany too much drinking. I might also do my homework.........

so GOALS: 1) try to stop obsessing over chad 2) try to get a date with his brother instead 3) don't drink for at least 7 days, starting today (though I didn't drink last night either) 4) don't smoke for at least 7 days 5) stop comparing every bloody male-and-I situation to steven 6) do my homework 7) get a good score on my anatomy test on thursday

here goes.............................hello world.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I don't even want to look at my past blogs. they're probably all sad and about steven, and I'm not interested in delving into that over and over again. he's on my mind enough.

I'm waiting for him, but it's hard to admit that to anyone but myself. I've been feeling his energy a lot this last month, and nothing has come of it. I tried to text him the other day and got no response, which is just as well since I don't have his number in my phone anymore. the last messages I received from him I just deleted because I told myself this was it: no more longing, waiting, hurting. I've simply learned that it doesn't matter if his number is in my phone or not.... I'm always waiting.

it's hard to tell whether I just miss him or if I miss being with someone. I've been talking here and there to some guys, but I don't have the energy to waste my time with them. I don't feel a damn thing compared to what I felt with steven. but you know, I didn't feel shit when I first got to know him...he was just a friend, but he and I had great chemistry together. my mom always said that.

how do I forget a lifetime? god I'm dramatic. but that's what it is with him. I had lived my life from our beginning to my end with him in it, and now he's gone.....? that's so horribly sad. I need to move on.

so I tried. I tried talking to this guy named jeremy, but I knew that it wasn't going anywhere so I dropped him like a bad habit (much to his dismay). I mess around with chris here and there, but it's a joke because I wouldn't consider opening that can of worms again. I went to alton recently and felt like a piece of meat but never felt a particular pull toward the guys there. I even hung out with JD and didn't feel the slightest bit of chemistry with him.

I'm beginning to think I'm asexual.

I don't want my cynicism to get the better of me. I guess I'll have to keep waiting until I get over my bad self. there is a point and time that I won't care about him anymore. there is a point and time that I'll think about someone else more than I think about him. there just might be a time in which I won't compare every male in my life to him and my feelings for him.

there just might..........

siiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh. I divide my excuses for not dating people between "they're too good for me" and "wow, trassssshhhh" I know there's an in-between somewhere...

I called this guy jeremy the other day because we'd had a good conversation and it seemed like a good idea at the time. so we talked twice about a lot, and it was fun, but I was done. I knew I was done. I didn't feel like being on the phone all the damn time and he was half great, half drama/trash/blah blah blah.

I don't know. it's going to get better. I want it to. I have to have faith that while I control most of what happens in my life, sometimes we're in the right place at the right time.