I've been really sad lately. losing my dad has been much harder that I thought it would be. maybe it's because I still feel guilty about not calling him back for two months. it might be because I see the haunting images of him wasting away to almost nothing. maybe it's because he was too young, or because he didn't get to be a grandpa for longer than a week, or because he only got to see one of us walk down the aisle.
maybe I just miss him.
death is so final. he's so gone. we won't ever hear him say those funny little jokes or make weird noises. he won't be able to fix my car or give me advice on how to make the engine run more cleanly. he's not there for my little brother to go to when tony fucks up. he's. just. gone.
I can't decide if I'm supposed to stay this sad. I completely fell apart again the other day, a little over a month after my dad passed. I just keep thinking about how brutally unfair it is to lose someone wonderful when there are so many ugly people in the world who don't give a shit about living and breathing and being alive. ugh it's frustrating.
right now things aren't particularly right in my world. I'm trying hard to find things to look forward to, things that will make me happy. is this just a difficult year? or do I just attract negative happenings upon myself? I guess either way I can decide how to best deal with it - be happy, or sad. be miserable, or accepting. be open, or be closed to the potential of good.
I'm trying to document this time in my life because I think it's necessary to know later when it was bad, really bad. I'm not sleeping much lately, and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm shanking on a lot of responsibilities. I cry at weird times. I'm terrified of men. I'm stressed easily.
so I'm going to try and read this book called 'heal your life.' I mean, there's always room for improvement, and I'm certainly not in the healthy lifestyle bracket right now. I need to fix some shit.