what to do?

I don't know what to do. I've put myself in a position in which I don't think SBM wants me to hire me because I've put too much on my plate. welcome to my world. lately, I've been feeling like I'm working towards...nothing. it's not the number of hours per week I'm committed to; it's the amount of bullshit I'm willing to endure in the meantime. why, for instance, am I working from 4am-9am for 650 an hour? that's not right. I don't even get to do/access the things I want to. why, too, am I agreeing to do all these things for my aunt and uncle (aka check their bank account) when I don't check my own? I don't want to reach my wit's end.

I need to email ron and his intern, courtney. I need to let ron know that I'm willing to negotiate my position here since I'm supposed to use this place as a launching pad anyway. then I'm going to ask courtney how she likes the position. so far I've felt good about ron and jeremy, but that doesn't always mean anything.

I'm babbling because I'm tired. I went to britt's last night and didn't go to bed till around 11. then gracie was being a pain, so britt got up to yell at her in the middle of the night. that cut out some of my sleep time. I'll try and get a nap today for sure.

steven was being so adorable yesterday. I could steal him forever. I think I will.

8:15. I can't keep my eyes open. I know as soon as I go home, I probably won't be able to go to sleep. I just need another hour or two. gracie was pissed that she was left out last night, and she let us know all damn night. I don't know exactly what she was doing, but britt woke up like the devil - yelling at her, slamming doors, everything. it was such a good night for sleeping. damn I'm crabby. I need sleep!!!

ugggggggggggggggh I hate being hungover. i spent way too much money last night (i shouldn't have spent any) and I still managed to be mad at steven. man I don't trust lisa. she is really getting under my skin lately. I don't want to be around her, I don't want steven to hang out with her, and I've stopped being nice to her. I don't think I need someone in my life who has such a negative effect on me. it's not just me either. she gives off a nasty vibe to almost everyone I know. steven took her home last night, leaving me at the bar with toby for over an hour. I was so pissed. why did he have to take her? she knew everyone else there, so why did it have to be him? it didn't bother me until today when I had more time to think about it. I don't need to stress about it though because her negativity is only perpetuating itself if I do let it bother me.

toby was fun. he has the most beautiful eyes. I shouldn't have spent so much time with him. I don't know if I should hang out with steven's friends, or if i do, I need to stop flirting with them altogether. I guess I lead them on unknowingly and it's been getting me into some tough situations lately. at one point last night toby was talking really closely to me, and steven was walking up with beers (this was while we were at the racetrack) and saw this exchange. he got all huffy because all he saw was this guy (he didn't realize it was toby) talking to me in my intimate space. he was walking rather quickly towards us, and he said "oh, it's toby. I was thinking 'who is that guy talkin to my woman, and why is james allowing it???'" toby is one thing, but matt? oh man. I'm not some hot shit woman and I probably would never date any of his friends, but man...sometimes I think they're overly interested in me. I wonder if they really dig me? I don't like to think about it much because, well, it's not worth it. I try not to talk about it either for simple reasons, one being that no one wants to hear me say, "oh yeah they want me." whatever. as long as things continue the way they are, then I should be with steven forever, and that's a-ok with me :):) <3

lonnnnnnnnnng morning

I just got screwed with scripts this morning. the producers accidentally printed out the scripts in the wrong format - which is a legit mistake - and they can't cancel the printing job. I then had to wait almost 10 min (an eternity in TV time) for the wrong scripts to print before the correct scripts started printing. I then had to power-sort and run half of the script down the hallway to the director by 620. THEN I'm desperately trying to sort through the mess they call a script, which was really late at that point, and the producer who I'm pretty sure was the culprit behind printing it incorrectly came over the intercom in a snobby voice saying "we need a script, the ANCHOR doesn't have a script yet..." no shit. I had to deal with a printer jamming as well, so all was FUCKIN WONDERFUL IN THE NEWSROOM. you know, I know we all make mistakes, and time is the biggest issue, but no one apologized to me, and no one offered to perhaps bring down more scripts/updates to the director. it's not necessary, but after dealing with all that shit I had already dealt with, it would have been nice. whatever. pride, I suppose, can get in the way of politeness. I'm ready to go home and run, then shower, then see my man.

which brings me to this: last night steven broke his nose at his softball game. poor guy. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, but james and his mom called me on their way/from the ER. I know he's fine, but it's going to be a bear sleeping with him (if he lets me).

I need a coffee. and food.

so my dad may be dying, and his wife may be the person putting the bullets in his head. I never, ever trusted that woman, even when I gave her the chance to be a decent human being. when I lived with my dad, I remember getting really pissed at her and him because I was locked out and bella (an itty bitty puppy back then) was chained up outside. I never stayed there for more than a night since, and I found a new home for bella.

the kitchen was a sight to see. when she first moved in, I found a huge handle of whisky on the counter and an equally large bottle of wine nearby. um, when my dad has had a history of alcoholism, those items should not be in close range. I knew before I knew her that she was an alcoholic; I could sense it. she would sleep all day long. I could spend all day at my dad's house and would never see the bedroom door open. my dad would tell me stories about how she would try to go to work in the early mornings, but because she "wasn't a morning person," she ran over an elderly woman and took out three trees along with the bottom of her car...but she hadn't been drinking.....?

denial is such a disgusting thing.

so now my dad is dying. I've been sensing it for quite some time. he gave up on living when donna moved in I think. when someone is constantly enabling your bad behaviors and curing all of your insecurities, inadequacies and sadness with booze, everything becomes one big blur. I saw my dad stop caring about me, my sibs and himself. he's so enamored with his own death and destruction that I don't think he even cares much about my mom. I never thought that would happen. that's when I knew he wasn't coming back to us.

he might have cancer. his brain is currently being poisoned by the constant stream of alcohol running its course in his system. donna hands him a drink at every chance she gets; it's her cure for any of his ailments, physically and beyond. my only consolation is that I don't think he likes her much anyway. it's just easy to keep someone around when they're always nice to you and give you the medication you crave.

my dad has given up hope. he is waiting to shrivel up and perish. I can't blame donna for his relinquishing the only thing that has kept his alive thus far, but I can't understand how and why she can just wait for a good man to die. if my dad is worth anything in any kind of life insurance policy, then great - she can have the money because that's all she thinks he's worth. but at one time, my dad was a good man. at one time, my dad was my hero, the most handsome man in the world. he cared, he loved, he smiled, and he didn't think anything in the world would disrupt the life he had built. then everything changed.

I don't cry about my dad now. he has been absent to me for so long I don't think I'd be crying for much. I have his eyes, and at one time I had his love - love he gave freely. I hate to admit this, but when I think of my dad gone, I almost feel relieved. he wouldn't be in pain anymore. I won't have to think about the world of torture he carries behind his eyes. he wouldn't have to live long enough to continue hating himself.

I love my dad and I don't want him to die. but the truth is, he already has.

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired. I can't even handle it. I want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep sleep sleep.

p.s. to make my day even better, I feel like a whale. I wish I didn't feel so fat. I wish I didn't look like such shit in the pics from the beach. I need to get my shit together and start getting in shape again.

my hair looks like crap

going to camp to visit today!!! it's excited. luke made a present for me last week and was severely disappointed to find that I wasn't at camp to accept it. made me cry little to hear that, and I still get choked up every time I mention it. what is the matter with me???? I've been so emotional lately, it's driving me crazy. well damn. can't wait to get out of here soon cuz I'm fuckin hungry.

I'm absolutely planning on it.
The music was electrifying. I felt it all through my body, and I shivered with the goosebumps that ran down my arms and legs. I couldn't imagine many things much better than this: the moon hung low in the sky, brandon boyd's voice was floating over our heads, Steven's arms were wrapped around me. he leaned down and kissed my neck, and I felt at that moment that all was right in the world.

those moments don't last long and they're not very often. he keeps telling me lately that we're going to last forever. I'm not going to hold my breath, but at least it's refreshing to hear it every once in a while. his latest endeavor is looking at places where we can live together. to be honest, it's a little bittersweet to think of moving in with him because it will mean not living in my new apartment. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds.



Did they play it?
I talked to chris last night for the first time in months. I've been trying to remove (gradually) the people in my life who don't have good energy, and chris fell into that category for quite some time. now he has a job, however, which is one of his first in years. he and jessica are no longer together, a relationship which took forever to dissipate. and lastly, it seems for the first time since I've known him that he's going forward - FINALLY.

He called the other day to say hi since we haven't had a conversation in months, and I didn't call him back till incubus. it didn't seem right not to call him, though I did wait till steven was in the bathroom before I made the call. I didn't actually talk to him until I was in my car on my way home, and we spent several minutes comparing notes on the band. we caught up on life in general, and it was really nice to hear from him. I don't know...in the last few years, I've always had an unsteady or an uncertain feeling after talking to him, and that wasn't the case on sunday. call it the music high, call it the small amount of booze I had drank - whatever it was, I was so much more comfortable with the way things went than in the past.

incubus is a small spot in the world in which we connect heavily. I fell in love with incubus while I loved chris. he never left my mind while the music wafted through the air, steven's arms wrapped around me, the smell of weed and sweat and booze hanging above our heads. they didn't play mine and chris's song...I couldn't believe he still thought about it in the terms that I do. god my heart jumped in my throat when he asked that. I'm not nearly affected by hearing the song so much anymore, but some days I lunge towards the radio before I hear so much as the second chord.

time is such a weird thing. I used to listen to incubus relentlessly, especially when I thought about chris. it seems like as time went on, I slowly began to accept chris and incubus as simply a part of my life. I rarely think about him anymore, but sunday I was inundated with memories of him and me. during "wish you were here," I remembered, for instance, when I was in pensacola right after graduation and I texted him that chorus. I was missing him a lot, and I didn't get the typical nightly phone calls from him. at the same time, he and jessica had quickly developed a relationship; I was neglected to remain on the backburner thereafter. talk about a serious punch in the gut...it left me romantically incapacitated for months.

back at work. I don't really mind it because it's kind of a reminder of how I want to be - aka, not a big, fatty drinker with no remorse about destroying my body daily. I miss having the opportunity to go out whenever I want to, but I suppose it's all in good time that I need to get my shit together and grow up...a little.

steven's former sister-in-law died yesterday. they weren't close in any sense of the word, but I think the whole family is shaken up by it. I have no idea what'll happen to the kids because at this point their mother is dead and their father is an abusive idiot. well, ok, I'm sure he's not really an idiot, but his actions often suggest otherwise. anyway, I love those kids and I'd take care of them if I could, but it's not in the cards right now. sucks.

incubus tonight. I hope it's fun for all of us. sometimes you can go to a concert and it's great, but then other times it's good music and bad...something. energy? I don't know. I do know that drinking makes it better most of the time because it's that much easier to let the music just take you away. hopefully it's good.

oh my gosh I just walked by one of the rooms where they teach classes - yoga, aerobics, etc - and a man was in the class with about a dozen women. he was too sweet, trying as hard as he could to keep up with the pace and difficulty of the class. I give him MAD props for just being in there in the first place, especially since I don't generally have the guts to do it myself! I don't mean to be patronizing, but I thought it was the cutest thing.

11:50. I'm bored out of my damn mind. I did all my 'sidework' and then some. I keep arranging and rearranging the mags and newspapers that are scattered around the floor. I've changed channels about 1430 times and pissed off 298274 people in the process. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I don't know what I can do to battle the boredom of being here for 6-7 hours. I wish I could maybe work out, but that would defeat the purpose of my job. I'm hungry too, which makes me really fun to be around.

I wonder if this steven phenomenon will last. he's just amazing lately, with the exception of last night. I'm pretty sure he didn't call me because he didn't want to come all the way over to my side of the river to hang with my fam. I don't really blame him, but I don't want to fall back into that pattern. he keeps talking about the future which is always weird but a welcome thought. when sly got engaged, he was all freaked out that I would be waiting for a ring, but I'm not. sure, I'd love to have one, but it's not such a part of my mantra that I can't live without it (though I did spend a while looking at rings today, just for fun). my issue with any future thoughts is that that I want some kind of reassurance that we actually have one. since I let him know that I wasn't looking for a ring anytime soon, he has since been on the lookout for a place for us to live. I don't know. at least it's going in a positive direction. I hope it lasts.

the truth is, I want to have my beautiful apartment for a while before I move in with him. I want my own space for a while. what if staying together with him isn't what I want? I can't imagine being with anyone else, but what if the way we feel for each other isn't enough to keep us together? in britt's words, what if his best isn't enough for me?

we shall see, as only time will tell. sly texted me to tell say she knows of some living room furniture I might be able to use...cream colored and in lovely condition. *cross fingers* I really really want it!!

k, off again to this bullshit...

1:11. where is this girl?? I have a few things to do today before the concert - like, you know, EAT. I also have no clean underwear in my possession anymore. I know this girl is only a few mins late, but cmon. I gotta get outta here.

however, while I'm here...this one guy comes in every day I think. he just informed me he's 46, but he looks really good for his age. the thing is, he knows he looks great, and I'm pretty sure he comes in here as regularly as he does just because he can talk to the young, attractive women coming here. it's entertaining most of the time.

gotta go

work work work

I am so tired. I need sleep and food. this is the best way for me to finally start writing something again. I don't really want people to see this, but it's a nice outlet when I don't feel like sharing..which is often. maybe I'll relax this way. it's possible, but not entirely likely. I spent so much time this summer doing nothing, and now I'm split on whether doing anything is a good idea lol. I need to be productive to be happy, but I was scheduling workouts around KMOV and I might have to add another job to the mix. today is uncle mike's bday party, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but mostly I just want food. is sushi addictive? I'm pretty sure it is. I want some more. I wonder if nick will pay me today? I need the cash BAD. this not working thing is, well, not working.

ok, story idea: this goes along with the rebekah grace store I did in high school. I've been stewing about it for a while because while it's sad, I've always liked that story. one of the "scenes" I keep replaying in my head is one in which the woman (I can't remember her name) is sitting in her shrink's office drinking a cup of coffee. there is almost a standoff in which the woman sips her coffee as the shrink tries to get her to share something, anything with her. "how are you today?" nothing. "you seem to be doing a bit better..." she sips her coffee. "what's new with so-and-so?" she blows to cool her coffee. "dammit, I can't do this one-way conversation with you. what the hell is going on?" she raises her eyebrows. "I'm doing great considering I've just lost my baby, my husband and my enthusiasm for life in general. would you like to add to the mix by killing off some of my relatives, too?" the shrink winces. "you're not doing anything for yourself by joking and glazing over this." "oh, but I am. maybe by pissing you off you'll have one tiny, small inkling of the enormity of pain I feel right now. perhaps you don't quite understand: I don't want to live. I don't have a reason to. I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me, and it's not coming back. I hate looking in the mirror and knowing I have had something so powerful, so encompassing, so earth shatteringly momentous, and it's gone. so, dr. wonderful, how the fuck do you fix that?" the shrink regarded her for a moment, wondering how the fuck she really was going to fix that, to fix her and make things better for her. she let out the breath she had been holding and decided. "well you're right. I can't fix a fuckin thing. I have to say, though, that you've just wasted your time even living this far