Friday, September 21, 2007

to keep from falling asleep at my desk (tres usual), I was drawing a pic of a tree that would be cool to have as a tattoo. I've always wanted a tattoo, but I can never decide what to get. I don't want more than one or two so there's a lot of pressure to make sure it's "the one." I don't want some tribal bullshit, and I don't want someone's initials or something silly and not permanent. sooooo I was thinking about getting a piece of art - a picasso sketch, or maybe a kandinsky painting, or van gogh. it will be expensive, and I'm not sure where I'd get it yet, but I think that would be the neatest thing. how permanent is that?? a classic piece of art...I think it would be beautiful. maybe the middle of my back? or my rib cage? maybe even my shoulder blade? I don't know, but as long as I get someone good to do it, it'll look amazing.

I cannot stay awake. I guess it wasn't the best idea to have that last glass of wine before I went to bed. I couldn't wake up this morning, either. I have been so tired lately. I just want to sleep at any opportunity throughout the day. I went for a run yesterday that was really great - almost an hour long. I haven't run like that since soccer. my legs were pissed at me, but my lungs felt great. kelly asked me how I can run like that. I don't really know; it's not like I'm in any kind of shape. I was in a bad mood though and I can run for days when I'm upset.

I am so tired of my yo-yo relationship. I feel like I'm single and sometimes this really great guy comes over, we have sex and enjoy each other, and then I'm single again. oh, wait, that's my relationship with steven. at this point, I'm ready to either move on or move forward - together. I hate that it comes down to an either-or situation, but what else am I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting for something better to happen between us. I'm waiting now for a reason to stay together. maybe he just needs time before he's ready to be a normal, functioning, mature adult boyfriend. take, for example, my dad being in the hospital. steven didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to comfort me, and instead of giving support, we got into a fight.

I just feel like I should cut my losses now and move on.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm getting frustrated again. I don't know how much longer I will last in my relationship - or lack thereof. I can't get past the weeks like this. I'm not one to wait around for someone to call me, but I don't appreciate not hearing from my boyfriend for days at a time. I'm sure there are things that are happening in his life that I'm not aware of, but that's just it: I don't have a clue what's going on with him. I typically look like an idiot when people ask about him because he doesn't share things with me. I don't want him to tell me everything, but nothing? only the bare bones? pick up the goddamn phone. stop by sometime. spend as much time with me through the week as you do playing softball.

I get so sick of this. I don't want to continuously explain myself to other people who don't understand my relationship. I don't always understand my relationship. telling people about us is way too much opportunity for introspection, and I'm not really up for it. sometimes I know in my heart that we're supposed to be together, but then other times I think, "what the hell are we doing?" I want so much more than what's willing to give me, and it's always been this way. I never wanted my relationship to be easy, but for fuck's sake! I'm constantly playing hide-and-seek with my expectations with him.

I can't stand when my friends are constantly around their significant others, or when they're consumed with their relationships, or when they spend all of their time together, but on some levels I'm extremely jealous of them. why can't he call me at the drop of a hat? doesn't he think about me all day? doesn't he want to be around me, to see me, to even bother me? I find myself having to play a cat-and-mouse game (when not playing hide-and-seek....ha) with him: I get mad when he doesn't call me, we fight a little, he still doesn't call me; then I give up, don't call him for a while because I'm fed up and tired of making all the moves; he then calls me, realizing that he missed me (imagine!) and that he hadn't taken the time out of his day(s) to talk to his longtime girlfriend.

it's tiring, and these days I'm not really up for it. I no longer doubt that he loves me and cares for me, but he taught me a long time ago that love won't solve everything. maybe he still isn't ready for me. maybe that's yet another cop out. I know if we take a break (AGAIN) I'll miss him, but I miss him now. when I start my new job, that might be a rude awakening for him. I won't be around like I was, and I'll be traveling most of the time. when, then, will I be there for him? he'll start depending on his friends a lot more which, at this point, isn't all that unusual.

ugh. I am so sick of this shit. I wish we could just work it out. I wish I felt like I was worth his time, but I don't always feel that way. god this is frustrating.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I am so tired today. I think my body is getting worn out lately. I went to bed last night around 10pm, woke up, and took a shower. I felt exceptionally tired in the shower and didn't know why - till I looked at my clock and realized I had only slept 1 1/2 hrs. I was taking a shower at 1130 at night! I don't know what woke me up or set me off, but I was all about getting ready and going to work.

ana was late again today. she came in when I was done sorting the scripts and running all the rundowns. now there is less than 3 min before we air, and she just got up from her get a cup of coffee. I just wish she wasn't so optimistic or rude - what ever the driving force is behind her tardy behavior. she will just barely make it to do the preview.

I don't really need to worry about this much because I HAVE A JOB. I finally got a job with an admissions dept at a school, so I'll be traveling, meeting new people every day, I'll have fabulous benefits, and they pay pretty well.

ok sidenote, one of the writers used to be fun till lately. now I just want to punch her in the face. why is she a bitch?? seems like the kind of person who, as a kid, would take her barbies and run if you pissed her off; or stomp, piss and moan andkick you out of HER house if things didn't go her way.

I'm literally just typing and bitching because I am so tired. I only need something to keep me awake for the time being. I have a big lump on my forehead from the other day when I was cleaning equipment at the gym.

Friday, September 14, 2007

if this one bitch tells me my business one more time, I might shank her.

in other news, my dad is supposed to come home today, though I really don't think he's ready to. donna is a complete idiot and will probably not be helpful to him at all, and my grandma (while behaving rather well considering the circumstances) has only a little bit of breathing room before she likely becomes unreasonable. my dad will be in outpatient care for a while, but that's not going to fix the fact that he can't stand, sit up or do anything on his own. why would we want to risk him falling already? and he needs a lot more nourishment (via food and supplements), so don't the doctors want to monitor his nutritional intake? lastly, if he was bad enough to put himself in the hospital after his stint at being home, then why does anyone think he's ok enough to sustain his well-being a little over a week after checking in??? alcoholism doesn't just GO AWAY, in case they didn't get the memo!!!

to top it all off, who is to say that donna isn't dumping that shit down his throat? and she has no idea how to take care of him, nor does she show any inclination to maintain a lifestyle that's healthy enough to keep my dad alive. she doesn't know any other way to cope! will she just revert back to her old ways? there is no feasible way we can assume that she is in the right state of mind when she's been drinking, so I can imagine that she'll likely give him a drink when he instead needs professional help.

I hate this whole situation. it's killing kristin because she feels really guilty that she didn't recognize the signs of how bad it really is. his nutritional state is so bad that the damage is irreversible. though we know it's not her fault, we can't fully convince her. I would probably feel the same way which is an unfortunate reality of being children of an alcoholic. I'm going to call her today to see how she is doing and to try and give her as much support as possible. she really needs it.

I've been thinking about possibly writing my memoirs, perhaps masked in the form of a novel. I wouldn't want my family to read it necessarily, but I think it would be a funny play-on of suburbanite life - and the non-secrets that no one really talks about (if that makes any sense). I need to start sometime in the hopes of finishing it before I DIE. then I might be able to finally support my family like I always wanted to. I don't know....we'll see I hope.

I'm going to drink my free starbucks and try not to shank the bitch in ENG so I can finish out my shift. have a lovely day :)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

my dad is still in the hospital. he's been there nearly a week, and he now at least recognizes a couple of us kids on the phone. he's still in really bad shape, but now he's in the psych ward in wentzville. I hope there he can get a little more help than at LSL.

at this point in the most destructive phase of his life thus far, he might not have a lot of chance for recovery. he might always be crazy, mumble his words, and remain disoriented in reality. he's totally malnourished and may never be able to hold a real conversation again. when we were sitting him up and trying to make him more comfortable, I could see the skin hanging on his back. his pants won't stay on his hips, and I can't get the image of his pained, thin face from my mind.

I haven't made my dad a big part of my life these last four years, mostly because he hasn't made me a big part of his. well, maybe that's just a cop-out. I suppose I grew tired of playing the role of confidante, friend and information-giver (about my mom), and I wanted my dad back. he has never been the same since the split; there has since always been an underlying level of sadness I don't think was possible to permeate. his battle with substances was a constant. I don't think he believed he could go through a day without trying to fix the pain of life with the numbing power of booze or painkillers.

I hate to see my dad, who was once so vital, funny, alive, active and intelligent, become a bump in a bed. he can barely talk, and the other day could not sit up in bed without help. how did this happen? how did he get so bad? when did he die and maintain a heartbeat at the same time? I told steven that I sometimes want him dead because I don't want him to suffer through this pain anymore. I hate that I feel that way, but where did my dad go? it's not for me; it's for him. why put him through any more of this misery?

my grampa said that he read a book that said if one takes an tragedy very hard, it's that much easier to recover because the body does its best to repair itself. I don't think my dad has the ability to recover himself, especially after four years of straight self-destruction. he's been calling out my mom's name in his sleep almost constantly which breaks my heart. he can't let her go. he can't let anything go.

I want so badly to relieve my dad of his pain. yesterday held the first moment of hope for me, because sylvia said he was lucid enough to recognize her voice and throw in a few of his 'daddy-isms.' I just hope if he gets better, he'll be around long enough to be at her wedding.

Friday, September 7, 2007

they have this thing here at work today called coffee-flavored water. it's gross. either it sends me running to shit my brains out because it's so strong or I'm drinking really bad-tasting water. I just need caffeine!!

I'm fairly certain the ENG dept. has it out for me. they're sending me all over the planet to get tapes for them, then as soon as I deliver one they either a) have no idea what it's for, or b) send me on another run to get more tapes. I'm sure they don't like me very much because I'm bitchy to them, but what can I say? don't walk all over me, and I'll deliver your tapes with a smile. I know it's my job to get the tapes, but throw me a fuckin bone here! they just want to see me run up and down the hall with tapes, scripts, tapes, updates, tapes....fuck!!

going to the brewery today with steven. I think it'll be fun. last night I worked out in my new campaign for a "better me." my arms aren't sore, but I can tell how fatigued my muscles are. I need to specifically figure out a routine so I don't get too set in my ways and also so I can continue to build muscle in all the right places. I could already tell that my biceps were practically throbbing, so I think I'm going in the right direction. I'm really fortunate that I build muscle so easily and so quickly, so I hope I continue to get my ass there for some cardio and weightlifting at least 4-5 days a week.

I think I might make this tamale pie that my aunt makes. it's really hits the spot when you're hungry. I hope steven likes it. it means I need to go to the store again, but it's all for the sake of good eats. mmmmmmm fooooooooooooood

can't wait to see steven...we haven't spent a lot of time together lately, so it'll be nice for just me and him to do something fun and different.

ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a real job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

last night I was in a really bad place with myself. I don't exactly feel like a million bucks right now (esp because my dinner last night consisted of a bowl of popcorn and sauvignon blanc), but at least I don't want to drop into a pathetic, self-loathing stupor.

part of my shittiness is that I'm questioning my relationship with steven again. the last time I was so iffy about things between us was his grad party when I hated myself for putting up with his endless amounts of shit almost as much as I hated him. it was an equally tough time for me to come to terms with allowing myself to be treated badly as it was for me to be with him again. I don't want to revisit that feeling, and in ways I'm back there again, wondering if this is right for me and for him.

I think this stems from my feelings about myself in general. I don't feel good in my own skin. the turn-down from SBM put me back at square one - emotionally and in reality, as I haven't exactly had any big offers since then from my dream job (not that SBM was my dream job). the interview yesterday with the mag I LOVE went really poorly, and it was for yet another non-paid internship. didn't my four years in college mean anything? hello? does anyone else have college loans up to their ears??!!

however, where last night planted my ass on the couch with a bowl of popcorn on my lap and a fat glass of wine firmly in my hand, today I'm seeing things a little differently - for myself at least. I'm motivated to adopt more self-improving strategies rather than self-deprecating ones. I really want a nice body and to feel good about my image. I have a wedding coming up (well, in a year), and I should look FABULOUS. I bet if I'm (finally) successful once again in one area of my life, then that energy will flow into other areas, and I'll attract good things (like jobs!). I want to regain the confidence I was once so notorious for, the take-no-shit attitude that helped me say, "people may think I'm a bitch, but at least they'll never think they can walk all over me." I need that anger, that vitality, because so much of this job-searching and self-searching makes me feel so inadequate and useless to the world.

success will come to me. I just have to create it.