this is much more like a confessional than a 'writing wonderland.' speaking of wonder...I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to write a book. I sure as shit hope so.

in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."

I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.

is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?

I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.

I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??

I don't know how it's already managed to be a slow day. it's 830am, and I feel like I have nothing to do. I told the office yesterday that I will be leaving this position, so any move I make now feels awkward - why continue to set up recruiting if I'm not going to be going on these trips? why should I continue to care? it's the worst attitude to have, I know, but more often than not I can't help it.

steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.

I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.

it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?

I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing

I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.

this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.

he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.

in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?

let's get this all out on the table, shall we?? I mean, since I've been such a slut and all, completely unloyal throughout the last 4+ years. I'd like to go through my list:

freshman year
-I dated duane and broke up w/ him while steven was in the car w/ me
-I slept with mark, the navy guy - steven and I hadn't even kissed yet, and he was still w/ nikki
-steven cheated on me with nikki a 'handful' of times, so he claims

sophomore year
-mitch - oh wait, I never even kissed him. meanwhile, steven was 'dating' another girl without my knowledge
-he had gone to como and (I'm pretty sure, tho not positive) met up with nikki again
-I spent all night long w/ chris after kelly's wedding, but (and he tried...a lot) I never even kissed him. the only thing I did do was change my clothes in front of him, but he never saw me naked

junior year
-I slept (yes, slept) with my friend BJ, but nothing happened, not even a kiss
-I slept in ryan's bed a few times, but again, we didn't even touch

senior year
-I almost slept with reggie. he tried really really hard to get in my pants but I refused and made him leave. steven doesn't know it was reg, but he does know something happened. we were not together at that time
-steven apparently kissed lisa - yes, while we were together
-he also slept in the bed next to some drunk bitch. I was down the hall in my own fucking room
-true to form, I slept in a bed next to john, a friend of mine from college - but nothing happened with him either

post-grad
-I went on a date with kevin. we had some heavy makeout sessions, and he did see my chest, but I refused to let anything else happen. steven and I were not together
-I slept (again, slept) in bed with my friend kenny right after steven and I had broken up
-I kissed chris recently (he's still with jessica)
-I went out a date with shaun and we made out. he was a terrible kisser, btw. money can't buy that kind of talent.
-apparently steven also dated some girl. that's all I know.

that's all I can remember thus far. I haven't so much as touched another guy's manhood in over four years. he might enlighten me on any other conquests he's had in the last few years. this will be such a fun conversation.

cindy is in the process of trying to set me up with a student. great. awkward. I joking refer to this guy as 'dreamboat' but seriously...I don't plan on crossing those lines anytime soon.

I believe ryan is beginning to think more seriously about me and him becoming a 'me and him.' it's not that I'm absolutely opposed to this idea, but I doubt he'd plan to be in anything besides the long haul with me. I don't know man...

I'm tired of being in a relationship, and I'm tired of not being in one. the idea of dating ryan is simply a safe alternative to the possibility of being alone - and being alone is an idea that I'm definitely opposed to. I don't think I'm in a place to settle or move on yet. shit, I still check my phone to see if steven has texted me or called or whatever. he hasn't, if anyone was wondering. he hasn't said anything since I let him know our friend tom is getting married.

so I go from not being in control of our situation - he ended things - to being in control - he all but came crawling back to me - to being totally blindsided again by his lack of response to me. it's been just a little over 24 hours, but that's long enough. I'm involved again, and I'm alone...still? again? I'm taking his number out of my phone. again.

I was just beyond the point of thinking he'd be back in my life. I stopped looking for his car as I turned down my street. I almost didn't even recognize the number when he did finally get in touch with me. apparently singledom hasn't been good for him either, even moreso than for me.

annnnnnnnd we sit in the office and talk about sex. poor kerry hasn't had any experience in that department, not even on the smallest level possible. I've had way too much. I legitimately miss having sex. how do people go so long without it? I don't understand.

steven brought up sex the other night, and I told him to stop talking about it because I already have a hard time not getting any. I don't need to talk it over with the one person who was the best lay I've ever had. this single and tainted thing is practically painful. it should be illegal to be a virgin or to be a involuntarily-born-again virgin.

shaun sent me a message yesterday asking if I would go riding in his convertible during lunch. no thanks, I'm not interested...in him. carrie bradshaw put it best when she said "good in paper means bad in bed." I never slept with shaun (in fact, I told him almost at the very beginning of the date that I wouldn't), but the thought of his mouth getting near mine makes me a little more than nauseous. bad sign. no chemistry. if you're wondering whether you can formulate some modicrum of chemistry, I'll be the first one to tell you it's not fucking possible.

and of course there's always chris. chris is safe, too, but not in the way that ryan is safe. chris has been a constant in my life for close to ten years. ten fucking years! who does that? ten years later, and kissing him still shoots electricity to my toes. I hardly know anyone who feels that way about another.

I am a person who generally thinks that love is a choice. this is probably a result of my alcoholic parent causing my non-alcoholic parent to go to program, which in turn has enabled us to grow up with program/alcoholic (depending on the day) parenting. but anyway, love is a choice. or was a choice. did you ever just love someone immediately? I loved jordan, kelly's daughter, since hte first moment I saw her. it was instant, and I felt a little pull in my empty heart (at the time) for that 6-lb baby. I still have this terrible soft spot for the little brat, and I can tell you that while I love ahslynn, I love jordan like an aunt loves her nieces/nephews plus some.

but love isn't always a choice I think. I love steven though I've also hated his fucking guts for the last 6 or 8 weeks. I've hated that I love him. I remember when I kissed kevin, I literally could only think about steven. I didn't want to admit it, but I tried to pretend that kevin was steven because I couldn't stand kissing anyone else. with shaun, it was a little different. there is and was no danger there. as soon as I opened the door to my apartment, I knew he was not It. when I kissed him, it was because I was 'supposed' to...or something. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he has a closet case of horny little bastardness. he was really sweet and fun on one hand, but there has to be some substance behind the fact that I cringe every time I think about him.

I am SO wimping out of calling him and letting him know I'm no longer interested. what a fucking pussy. I thought I was tougher than that. my kryptonite seems to be bad kissing.



other weakening agents? good kissing and great fucking. those get me every time (thanks steven and chris).

to see you when I wake up,
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same
as I do, is a three-fold utopian dream
you do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line
if I say

I miss you.

I see your picture I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know
that I care

and I miss you.

is change possible after so many years? is it worth waiting for? I suppose only I can really answer those questions. here I am, steven in the palm of my hand, and I can't bring myself to melt back into his arms. of course, that's easy when I haven't seen him in well over a month. the only big downside to that is our physical relationship is outstanding...we're affectionate, touchy-feely, attracted to each other, strongly enjoy being naked around each other...how can you beat that?

tbc...

the code of the universe and another gonna.

ok, I'm back to the universe. kelly was always the person who believed in 'signs' all the time, saying there were things that happened for a reason or were preamble to other, greater things. I was generally annoyed by this notion, mostly because I'm a big believer in creating my own destiny. however, as of late I've been noticing a lot...



yesterday the whole steven thing was weird. I found out later that he'd had a dream with me in it the night before as well. how weird is that? today I was planning to talk to dr l about my intentions for leaving this position, and on my way into the office she stopped me in the hallway and asked to meet with me later today. wtf? it seemed like every time I was considering staying in this position, sticking it out another year, or try to move up and shine, rob would be a dick. or felicia would make me feel like shit. or our office was again dumped on with another responsibility. these events forced me to remember why the hell I no longer wanted to be here.



so in these situations, I wonder: while we might control our destiny, is there another force out there with good advice that we may or may not hear?



steven and I spoke last night. I don't really know what will happen next or what I should do. I have a hunch that we'll attempt to get back together, but then what? he'll probably fuck me over YET again, and I'm not interested. I love him and I'd really rather stay with him, but it's a matter of survival not to choose to get burned over and over and over again. I wanted to shudder every time I heard "gonna." that word shouldn't even exist. it's a siren that screams "I'm lying...to you, to myself, to whomever, but whatever I'm GONNA say is bunk."



my dad is a gonna. I don't need another gonna.



I've tentatively decided to not pursue this steven thing for a while. I'm not sure if I ever really want to get back together. I asked him last night, point blank, if he ever intended to marry me. if not, then I was no longer interested in this whole thing - four-plus years or not. I deserve for him to be fucking real with me, not this gonna bullshit. my plan for now is to not take an active role in this situation until he gets his shit together, like his money problems worked out, he joins a gym, he cuts back or quits smoking, perhaps goes to therapy, and overall shows measurable improvement.



please don't misunderstand me; this is not for me, it's for him. I believe he needs to get better to treat people better. he hates his family and the way they've turned out, but he knows he's better than that. I think he just needs to rise above their crap and really show himself to not be white trash. I see him following down the same path they tread if he stays in an environment like his house.



I have a real problem with people turning their backs on their families, and I would never ask that of him. however, there is a point and time when you realize your family doesn't know best. sometimes, though it's a tough thing to swallow, they're selfish. and small. what if you're meant for greater things?



my dad could never help himself, and my mom couldn't change him - no one could. there is no reason why steven should make that same mistake, and there is no reason why my mom should have dragged her life through my dad's insurmountable bullshit.



I should really take the time to tell steven this stuff beause it's worth it to me and it should be worth it to him. I care about him WAY too much to let him go. even if we never get back together, I will never let him go. I'd already resolved myself to that fact.



one thing that still lingers is that he said the last time we spoke that he was not in love with me anymore. that thought burns a hole in my soul, I tell you. I'll have to ask him about that, too.



ugh, this is not easy. I don't want easy, but damn. this week has been crazy. I gave my notice, and I was then offered a job. I'm moving onward, and it doesn't feel real yet. I need to get my shit together. there is no reason why I should let my life go by the wayside, especially not now.

I've been all but hyperventilating for the last 1/2 hour or so. I fucking knew he would contact me. all weekend I was waiting to encounter him - I knew he would find me somehow. I was driving myself nuts thinking about him and wondering and getting totally nervous. I called my mom to just be in touch with 'home base' and tell her what was going on in my head, and she made a really good point that made me feel better: I was expecting him to contact me because it's historically what has happened. so I gradually let it go...and then he texted me. it was quintessential panicky moment: my blood literally ran cold through my veins. I didn't want to believe that I recognized the phone number at the top of my screen.

I knew the universe or god or whomever was trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to cave in and call him first. now he wants to talk.

I keep having dreams with him in them, and last night was probably the weirdest and most resounding. I was with him and his nieces/nephew and mother, and we looked outside to see a tornado. it was getting closer and closer so we all took shelter in the basement. that was pretty much it. I kept trying to find him, or reach him, or something...but that was it.

the dreams with him are inconclusive which I'm personally tying to the fact that I still don't know what I'll do if I see him. he asked if he could just call me tonight or maybe see me after work or something, but it sounds like it might be bad. god, what if he knocked some other girl up? what if he has been in another relationship for months now? I can see the possibility of this relationship not working out, so now he wants to be back together. fucked up, right? my heart keeps palpitating.

last night I came home and just laid down on the couch to relax in front of the TV. since I've been in this weird, melancholy mood, I didn't want to pick up a book. I laid there and thought I kept hearing something knocking. it's not like it was windy or anything...but I kept hearing things. I realized right before I went to bed that my front door had been unlocked almost all day. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone had been inside or was lurking nearby. I barely slept and kept 'waiting' for someone to show up.

am I crazy, or was the universe trying to tell me something?

chris kissed me the other day. if you would ask me if it was good or not, I'll tell you now: it was amazing. chris is chris is chris. I feel badly because I shouldn't have perpetuated his infidelity, but I couldn't help the sweet slip of his tongue between my lips. I was putty in his arms.

is passion something that's used up after so much of it? I still felt that same passion when I kissed chris four days ago as I felt 5 years ago. I still get butterflies thinking about steven. I know that we would still be able to make some serious waves in bed. clothing is optional when we're together...talking or fucking, we can't put out that damn fire.

maybe that's why I didn't feel anything for shaun. poor guy. he is so ready to commit to something else. I'm glad I finally asked if he'd been married before because I wouldn't otherwise have known. that big C word makes me want to vomit right now. I know any commitment I would make as of now would be a mistake - it would be for every wrong reason, like because I need help paying rent as I go back to school, or because it's familiar, or because I just needed someone to hold me as I fell asleep. or, let's be honest since we're talking about me here, because I am self-destructive at the most vulnerable times, and I'd be with someone for no other reason besides I seem to be attracted to some form of emotional suicide.

I should probably not continue talking about this. I should post this and come back later. my heart won't stop fluttering.

did you ever think that someone has ruined you?

david is home because he's wanting to 'dry out.' his drinking has gotten really bad, so he wants to stop for a while. he stopped for...a day. maybe two. we had to pick him up at the bar yesterday. at least he didn't drive? arguably, I suppose it was his mother who ruined him. yesterday he referred to her as 'bitch' twice, and tim (as kind and loving as he is) all but agreed with dave when I yelled at him for calling her names. she is a bitch.

I'm pretty sure steven ruined me. who the hell will I trust again? I never even fully trusted him. my mom always says if you win a guy who cheated on his wife/girlfriend with you, then you'll always be dating the guy who cheated. it's kind of a 'duh' comment, but it reminds me to think about things...was it ever really going to work out?

I also think about the fact that I might not be the marrying type. what if I'm really not? I had a good run with a (sometimes) great guy for a few years. I suppose it's just time to move on, but that's just the thing I can't bring myself to do. confession: I keep thinking (and maybe even hoping) that steven will come dragging his sorry ass back to me. I'm not used to this breakup gig, but I hear that's a typical response. I don't even think I'd take him back, but I want him to grovel a bit.

life goes on. I may be ruined, or I may just never wear a veil in my hypothetical wedding. dave may be ruined, or he might just find something better to be addicted to. you just never know.