Monday, July 23, 2007

I'm absolutely planning on it.
The music was electrifying. I felt it all through my body, and I shivered with the goosebumps that ran down my arms and legs. I couldn't imagine many things much better than this: the moon hung low in the sky, brandon boyd's voice was floating over our heads, Steven's arms were wrapped around me. he leaned down and kissed my neck, and I felt at that moment that all was right in the world.

those moments don't last long and they're not very often. he keeps telling me lately that we're going to last forever. I'm not going to hold my breath, but at least it's refreshing to hear it every once in a while. his latest endeavor is looking at places where we can live together. to be honest, it's a little bittersweet to think of moving in with him because it will mean not living in my new apartment. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds.

Did they play it?
I talked to chris last night for the first time in months. I've been trying to remove (gradually) the people in my life who don't have good energy, and chris fell into that category for quite some time. now he has a job, however, which is one of his first in years. he and jessica are no longer together, a relationship which took forever to dissipate. and lastly, it seems for the first time since I've known him that he's going forward - FINALLY.

He called the other day to say hi since we haven't had a conversation in months, and I didn't call him back till incubus. it didn't seem right not to call him, though I did wait till steven was in the bathroom before I made the call. I didn't actually talk to him until I was in my car on my way home, and we spent several minutes comparing notes on the band. we caught up on life in general, and it was really nice to hear from him. I don't the last few years, I've always had an unsteady or an uncertain feeling after talking to him, and that wasn't the case on sunday. call it the music high, call it the small amount of booze I had drank - whatever it was, I was so much more comfortable with the way things went than in the past.

incubus is a small spot in the world in which we connect heavily. I fell in love with incubus while I loved chris. he never left my mind while the music wafted through the air, steven's arms wrapped around me, the smell of weed and sweat and booze hanging above our heads. they didn't play mine and chris's song...I couldn't believe he still thought about it in the terms that I do. god my heart jumped in my throat when he asked that. I'm not nearly affected by hearing the song so much anymore, but some days I lunge towards the radio before I hear so much as the second chord.

time is such a weird thing. I used to listen to incubus relentlessly, especially when I thought about chris. it seems like as time went on, I slowly began to accept chris and incubus as simply a part of my life. I rarely think about him anymore, but sunday I was inundated with memories of him and me. during "wish you were here," I remembered, for instance, when I was in pensacola right after graduation and I texted him that chorus. I was missing him a lot, and I didn't get the typical nightly phone calls from him. at the same time, he and jessica had quickly developed a relationship; I was neglected to remain on the backburner thereafter. talk about a serious punch in the left me romantically incapacitated for months.

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