as always, I'm at work and I'm supremely tired. I won't get into it anymore than that.

my birthday was yesterday. no big thing. steven got me a camera (which is/was awesome) and my mom gave me a hundred bucks. my g-ma gave me sixty for my bedding, and I've generally gotten lovely little things from the rest of my family. it was nice.

I've been thinking more and more about going into nursing school. I would rather do an accelerated program at edwardsville (that is, if I get in) over any other full-term program. it'll kick my butt, but what else is there? it seems like the most logical path I've got right now, and I'd be able to travel with steven if he goes into federal law enforcement. I don't know how he specifically feels about that, but it's really important to me. I don't even know if I have a particular passion for nursing, but I need to DO something. I can't keep working these minimal-amount-per-hour jobs that are nothing but understimulating and tiring. at least with nursing I'd be challenged and on my feet.

I think what I need is a direction. I'm not in this huge, ridiculous hurry to start my life, but I can't sit on my bills and wish them away. with nursing, I'd be headed somewhere, and I could do what I want on the side (aka write). how wonderful would it be if I wrote a book on the side? what about when I get pregnant? I could write an encyclopedia while I'm riding on my hormone highs and lows. shit, if I'm still with steven I would be riding on the highs and lows of our relationship alone. I write the best when I'm sad anyway; I always have.

the truth is, I can't keep feeling so inadequate with myself all the time. here I am, a talented, young, ambitious kid with all the heart necessary for a job in a high-intensity company, and I rarely get interviewed. I know I'm doing something wrong, but what am I going to say when they ask me what I want to do with my life? what's my ideal job setting? what would I be doing if I had the ultimate dream job? I don't know!!! well, I would really like to work at a place like washU because it's up my alley, and I'd also have the opportunity to perhaps work with their soccer team(s). I would love that. sports, college-age people, and school are fun things to be around on a regular basis. but do I wait around for that? or do I take initiative and apply for nursing school? I'll have to wait an entire year before I'd be ready to enroll at edw. because I don't have the pre-reqs out of the way. shit, I could have been working on them all summer if I thought I would get to this point.

I've lightened up a bit (it helps that I have my own apt. now, and steven can come over more regularly), but I'm still stuck. I don't get turned down for jobs very often, but I can't handle not sparking any interest with any probable employers either. I suppose I can't rush this whole process, but until I can tell my debt collectors to fuck off, these thoughts are going to plague me.

FUCK OFF