I sit and stare at the computer screen on days like these and ponder.
all week I've been outrageously busy at work. we started using a new sign-in system, and between it being a holiday week (today is thanksgiving) and annette being gone, I've had to pick up the slack. I've put in a request/letter of interest for a position in development upstairs, but that is still pending and will require me to get a second job. maybe kaldis? maybe bartending? I'm hoping it pans out.
the job market and searching a for a new place in the working world is something that plagues this journal. I haven't yet been able to accept my position wherever I am; this says a lot about what's going on between my own two ears, and I'll own that. I wish that I could settle into something more enjoyable...I love Kaldi's. I loved being around coffee all the time and hanging out with my friends in the shop, but it's not practical. I can't get a retirement fund set up while working for $8.50 an hour, and I certainly can't provide for my family that way, either.
my family. I've moved in with eric officially and we're ridiculously happy. there are tense moments here and there, and money seems to be a never-ending battleground of emotion, worry, and indifference. recently eric was informed that he was officially and demisedly in federal default with his school loans. this means he = fucked if he doesn't start paying on them, about $510 per month. I say this is a good thing; avoidance doesn't make money problems go away. but that also means I can't quit my job no matter how much I hate it, and it also means I have to get my shit together and start paying down my own loans.
this has put a hold on our wedding plans. I don't think we ever anticipated or wanted to have anything fancy, too elegant, formal or big, but whatever celebration we have, it will likely include 125 or so people and a money expenditure that we haven't begun to anticipate.
eric said he was really upset because he had started looking at engagement rings when he found out about the default. the ring isn't the important thing to me. don't get me wrong; I LOVE big diamonds and sparkly things that attract the eye, but I'm just as happy denoting my marriage with a simple band as I am sporting an extravagant sparkler. stuff is stuff. it's temoporary. it doesn't bring me the happiness that eric has brought me. I don't need to dwell on what is right now impossible. I am so, so lucky to be with eric and for having found him. I can't wait to marry him but I don't need to substantiate how I feel about him with a HUGE wedding affair and a big ring.
grumpa just went through a procedure the other day that resulted in a minor stroke. he's ok now as far as we know, but what a scare. we lost aunt betty a few weeks ago (gram's best friend and gpa's sister) and then aunt fonnie a week later. both had suffered with cancer for so long that it was a relief that they had gone to a presumably better place. I know timmy will be ok, but my gma might really feel the loss of betty, and god knows she was probably a mess thinking about losing my gpa. I hope all is well with him...I'm not prepared to say good-bye to another loved one, especially grumpa.
so let's get off the subject of loss and move on the the silly subject of maybe getting married!
ok, here's a list of ideal and tangible things that I'd love.
-a wideset ring with a lot of tiny little diamonds intricately placed everywhere rather than a large center stone.
-band for him: white gold, matte finish, wide band. engraved with a message.
-dress for wedding: I love the ones on jcrew, cotton-silk blends, most likely strapless, simple with pockets. OR an ivory lace number, like the one that brittany and sylvia both tried on and didn't get (but I LOVED). shoes? I'd love a dress and ceremony that allows me to wear nice wedges, or maybe boots...
-his attire: a 3-piece suit, in a grey-brown. I love the idea of him wearing the suit to our wedding and shedding the jacket for our reception - so he's resplendent in a vest, shirt and tie. so sharp! he looks so good all dressed up and dapper. shirt? hmm. maybe light blue? maybe cream? tie tbd. shoe? boots!
-place: ok, here's where it really varies. ceremony in a catholic church or celebrated by a catholic priest somewhere (we have to do the catholic plunge!) and reception: either blumenhof or shrewsbury community center. if I really had my wish, I'd have a fall wedding, but that doesn't work for eric's school schedule (unless we do it over thanksgiving or similar). soooo we'll probably do it in june, and I think eric is leaning toward blumenhof.
-food: this is up in the air. I really had a great time and ate very well at kristin's enagagement party, and it was a potluck! I think that's a fun idea, but I don't think it's that appropriate for a wedding. so I think we'll stick to something really simple, like bbq (or even bandana's bbq meat) and then some simple side dishes (corn on the cob, big salad, rolls & butter). we may also employ some family to bring additional sides. maybe we'll also have veggies and dip (ranch/hummus). cake will be a few flavors of hank's cheesecake. it'd be fun, too, to have tiny cheesecakes for guests to take home. I don't know.
wedding party: my side will include sylvia and kristin and maybe brittany. eric's side is tbd, but I think he may want jaime in it, chase maybe, mike lee maybe, maybe huskey. wp dress? girls will probably wear a really nice dress, short or long, in a specific color tbd. I'm leaning towards dark blue or yellow or dark purple. or cream. or grey. who knows. guys will wear suits with matching shirts and ties (ties can be their gift). I don't like the idea of them having to rent a tux so I'll encourage them just getting/wearing a nice suit.
flowers: oh hell I don't care. baby roses tied together with ribbon? done.
officiant: fr brad? maybe?
other decs: white strung lights, the big bulbs are really neat. tea lights perched on tree bark or similar. tiki torches. maybe the occasional sunflower.
my wedding is planned!