Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I'm getting myself into some serious shit. chris came over last night and we hung out. I always do this - fall in love with him again. or maybe it's the idea of him? or maybe I just miss touch. and the banter. and he's comforting and maddening all at the same time. I need maleness. he fits the criteria.
nothing really happened. I wasn't going to sleep with him that's for sure, but it my goal and mission to kiss him again. I was wondering if his touch still has that searing, burning heat with me anymore. I don't even know why he has or had that effect on me. he's cute, and sweet, and wow the chemistry, but he's chris. he won't ever change. or will he? shit, you see? that's the false hope I always get when I start falling in love with him again. it's so, so easy.
I almost fell asleep in the crook of his arm last night, and I only woke up because he started kissing my neck and collar bone very softly. at that point, I couldn't bring myself to play homewrecker (again). he can make his own decisions, but I had already done enough damage between him and jessica. I know how to work chris, and I worked him up really good. I just stopped short of crossing The Line.
I honestly wanted to see if kissing him was the same anymore. I had lost interest in him on and off for the last 5 years, but I haven't kissed him since I was 18 and madly in love with him - and he didn't want a relationship until jessica came along 10 seconds later.
we talked about that. he didn't remember or understand why he dropped me and started dating jess. I told him I was still a little pissed about it. but it made me wonder if there is this unmistakable chemistry and attachment and affection between the two of us, why wouldn't we make it work? it's almost as if our relationship exists as an unattainable force - it only exists because it doesn't exist. that's why we always come back to each other and always stop short of The Line.
I still thought about steven last night as I nearly fell asleep with chris. I still thought of him as I just barely escaped the abyss of chris's mouth. I looked into chris's eyes and saw chris, but I looked into my heart and I still see steven. this isn't going to be easy.

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