Tuesday, July 8, 2008

the code of the universe and another gonna.

ok, I'm back to the universe. kelly was always the person who believed in 'signs' all the time, saying there were things that happened for a reason or were preamble to other, greater things. I was generally annoyed by this notion, mostly because I'm a big believer in creating my own destiny. however, as of late I've been noticing a lot...

yesterday the whole steven thing was weird. I found out later that he'd had a dream with me in it the night before as well. how weird is that? today I was planning to talk to dr l about my intentions for leaving this position, and on my way into the office she stopped me in the hallway and asked to meet with me later today. wtf? it seemed like every time I was considering staying in this position, sticking it out another year, or try to move up and shine, rob would be a dick. or felicia would make me feel like shit. or our office was again dumped on with another responsibility. these events forced me to remember why the hell I no longer wanted to be here.

so in these situations, I wonder: while we might control our destiny, is there another force out there with good advice that we may or may not hear?

steven and I spoke last night. I don't really know what will happen next or what I should do. I have a hunch that we'll attempt to get back together, but then what? he'll probably fuck me over YET again, and I'm not interested. I love him and I'd really rather stay with him, but it's a matter of survival not to choose to get burned over and over and over again. I wanted to shudder every time I heard "gonna." that word shouldn't even exist. it's a siren that screams "I'm lying...to you, to myself, to whomever, but whatever I'm GONNA say is bunk."

my dad is a gonna. I don't need another gonna.

I've tentatively decided to not pursue this steven thing for a while. I'm not sure if I ever really want to get back together. I asked him last night, point blank, if he ever intended to marry me. if not, then I was no longer interested in this whole thing - four-plus years or not. I deserve for him to be fucking real with me, not this gonna bullshit. my plan for now is to not take an active role in this situation until he gets his shit together, like his money problems worked out, he joins a gym, he cuts back or quits smoking, perhaps goes to therapy, and overall shows measurable improvement.

please don't misunderstand me; this is not for me, it's for him. I believe he needs to get better to treat people better. he hates his family and the way they've turned out, but he knows he's better than that. I think he just needs to rise above their crap and really show himself to not be white trash. I see him following down the same path they tread if he stays in an environment like his house.

I have a real problem with people turning their backs on their families, and I would never ask that of him. however, there is a point and time when you realize your family doesn't know best. sometimes, though it's a tough thing to swallow, they're selfish. and small. what if you're meant for greater things?

my dad could never help himself, and my mom couldn't change him - no one could. there is no reason why steven should make that same mistake, and there is no reason why my mom should have dragged her life through my dad's insurmountable bullshit.

I should really take the time to tell steven this stuff beause it's worth it to me and it should be worth it to him. I care about him WAY too much to let him go. even if we never get back together, I will never let him go. I'd already resolved myself to that fact.

one thing that still lingers is that he said the last time we spoke that he was not in love with me anymore. that thought burns a hole in my soul, I tell you. I'll have to ask him about that, too.

ugh, this is not easy. I don't want easy, but damn. this week has been crazy. I gave my notice, and I was then offered a job. I'm moving onward, and it doesn't feel real yet. I need to get my shit together. there is no reason why I should let my life go by the wayside, especially not now.

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