Friday, July 18, 2008

this is much more like a confessional than a 'writing wonderland.' speaking of wonder...I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to write a book. I sure as shit hope so.

in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."

I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.

is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?

I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.

I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??

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