Thursday, August 7, 2008

wow, I haven't been here in a while. I went to camp last week and I guess I've actually been busy lately.

as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.

that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.

now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.

that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?

grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.

oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.

I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.

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