I don't know how it's already managed to be a slow day. it's 830am, and I feel like I have nothing to do. I told the office yesterday that I will be leaving this position, so any move I make now feels awkward - why continue to set up recruiting if I'm not going to be going on these trips? why should I continue to care? it's the worst attitude to have, I know, but more often than not I can't help it.

steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.

I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.

it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?

I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing

I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.

this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.

he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.

in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?