Monday, July 7, 2008

I've been all but hyperventilating for the last 1/2 hour or so. I fucking knew he would contact me. all weekend I was waiting to encounter him - I knew he would find me somehow. I was driving myself nuts thinking about him and wondering and getting totally nervous. I called my mom to just be in touch with 'home base' and tell her what was going on in my head, and she made a really good point that made me feel better: I was expecting him to contact me because it's historically what has happened. so I gradually let it go...and then he texted me. it was quintessential panicky moment: my blood literally ran cold through my veins. I didn't want to believe that I recognized the phone number at the top of my screen.

I knew the universe or god or whomever was trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to cave in and call him first. now he wants to talk.

I keep having dreams with him in them, and last night was probably the weirdest and most resounding. I was with him and his nieces/nephew and mother, and we looked outside to see a tornado. it was getting closer and closer so we all took shelter in the basement. that was pretty much it. I kept trying to find him, or reach him, or something...but that was it.

the dreams with him are inconclusive which I'm personally tying to the fact that I still don't know what I'll do if I see him. he asked if he could just call me tonight or maybe see me after work or something, but it sounds like it might be bad. god, what if he knocked some other girl up? what if he has been in another relationship for months now? I can see the possibility of this relationship not working out, so now he wants to be back together. fucked up, right? my heart keeps palpitating.

last night I came home and just laid down on the couch to relax in front of the TV. since I've been in this weird, melancholy mood, I didn't want to pick up a book. I laid there and thought I kept hearing something knocking. it's not like it was windy or anything...but I kept hearing things. I realized right before I went to bed that my front door had been unlocked almost all day. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone had been inside or was lurking nearby. I barely slept and kept 'waiting' for someone to show up.

am I crazy, or was the universe trying to tell me something?

chris kissed me the other day. if you would ask me if it was good or not, I'll tell you now: it was amazing. chris is chris is chris. I feel badly because I shouldn't have perpetuated his infidelity, but I couldn't help the sweet slip of his tongue between my lips. I was putty in his arms.

is passion something that's used up after so much of it? I still felt that same passion when I kissed chris four days ago as I felt 5 years ago. I still get butterflies thinking about steven. I know that we would still be able to make some serious waves in bed. clothing is optional when we're together...talking or fucking, we can't put out that damn fire.

maybe that's why I didn't feel anything for shaun. poor guy. he is so ready to commit to something else. I'm glad I finally asked if he'd been married before because I wouldn't otherwise have known. that big C word makes me want to vomit right now. I know any commitment I would make as of now would be a mistake - it would be for every wrong reason, like because I need help paying rent as I go back to school, or because it's familiar, or because I just needed someone to hold me as I fell asleep. or, let's be honest since we're talking about me here, because I am self-destructive at the most vulnerable times, and I'd be with someone for no other reason besides I seem to be attracted to some form of emotional suicide.

I should probably not continue talking about this. I should post this and come back later. my heart won't stop fluttering.

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