Monday, August 11, 2008

I was just dropped from my fall classes last week because I didn't pay for them in time. it's no one else's fault but my own, but I can't help feeling a little remorseful towards everyone else in my life. I'm furious with myself for not taking care of my business, and I'm annoyed with everyone else because I feel like no one gives a shit about anything that might be happening with me. I say this with tongue in cheek because I can hear my grandfather's voice as he reminds me that "you are the most egocentric and selfish person in your life." it's certainly true. no one else will care about me as much as I will till the moment I take my last breath, so there is no reason I should hold anyone to the standard of knowing or caring about my life as much as I do.

that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.

while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.

the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.

I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.

I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.

I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.

maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.

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