Sunday, March 9, 2008

steven and I broke up today. because I can't predict the future, I have no idea if this is 'it' but it doesn't feel like much else.

he left.

I walked outside to make sure his car was gone. I couldn't help but think that this is the last time he'll ever park in that spot. I can't help but think this is the last time he'll ever walk out of my door. he has my keys...I fuckin hate that. it means that I'll always wonder if he's been here - every time I come home I'll glance up at my bedroom window to see if the light is on. I'll walk up the stairs and pause for a moment as soon as I unlock my apartment to see if I can feel whether he's been there or not. this will happen every day, without fail.

he left. he won't come back.

I changed my mind. I wanted him to turn back around.

I don't think he'll ever know how I feel about him, and I don't think I'll ever believe he loved me. maybe it'll be easier to think he never felt anything for me; it was just easy to stay than to start over. you know, starting over is exciting and fun. it's supposed to feel wonderful and I'm supposed to be happy that I'm 23, relatively good-looking, free and talented, witty and outgoing.

ha. fuck the way things are supposed to be. it's not fun - not when everyone I see is steven, not when the I pretend that the lips I'm kissing belong to steven, and not when steven walks into a room and my heart flips.

no one else does that to me.

will anyone else do that to me?

will I ever see him again? I will. I'll hate it, but I will see him.

but will I ever love anyone again like I do him....

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