Thursday, June 5, 2008

it's the end of the day, and I don't have much to do. I'm just going to sit and blog. they might fire me, but I dont have much to lose. I sent It in this morning, and I have another portion of It reaching the office by tomorrow or the next day. I'm excited. I told myself if steven ever ended things with me (which he did), I would simply quit my job and join the peace corps, military or just plain move away. he's too close here. it's driving me nuts. I need to delete him from my friends list so I stop internet stalking him, but I probably would look him up anyway. what I don't understand (tres usual) is WHY. what part of me is so undesirable that he can't be with me - fully, truly, deeply. and now WHEN am I supposed to move on?? my skin crawls every time I think about having sex with another guy. I slept with a guy this past weekend (just slept), but I woke up the next day horribly, irreversibly guilty. nothing happened. I wouldn't even kiss him, but I had my ass rested up against his cock and the only thing I could think of was steven. charming, yeah? kevin messaged me the other's as if he has this radar for the times when steven and I aren't doing so well. he wants to hang out again. it about killed me to politely tell him to call me when he got to town so we could hang out. I don't have any desire to be near him. he's riddled with addiction, mostly an alcoholic. my dad was impossible to spend time with on his birthday - why should I repeat that disaster with kevin?? ugh. I don't even know if I'm pregnant or getting ready to bleed. either way, I haven't been sleeping, my appetite has been really weird, and I've 'drank my dinner' more than once in the last few weeks. I really, really don't want to spiral down that path. I'd rather off myself. my dad has been trying for years. I just don't get it: why does steven think that his problems are so much bigger and more important than anyone else's?? I thought adversity toughens people up, not make them self-pitying bastards. I'm no hercules, but for fuck's sake! my life is no worse than the next person. speaking of bad situations, k is pregnant. this is very unexpected, and she's married. it's concerning because she didn't plan this one, and she doesn't have the money to accommodate another child. I feel really awful for her, but I'm happy at the same time. I'm almost positive it's going to be a boy. GOD I keep going back to this, but WHY dammit! I need some closure. closure would be good. I don't want to see him...seeing him would put me in a very vulnerable situation. my legs would give out, my stomach would flip flop, and I might even start to cry. I fuckin hate crying in front of him. I generally don't. you know, he has pushed and pushed and pushed, and I am finally out of his life. what now? what the FUCK now??? I guess no matter how I feel or felt, it was never really meant to be. fuck him. fuck this. I can't believe he finally succeeded in deleting me from his life. how does he do it? I want to know. I'll even take notes for fuck's sake. I'm so mad. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad. I miss his touch and his face and his jokes and his stories and his stupid car and his stupid town and his stupid smile and everything. I can't afford to forget a part of my life again, but I don't want to remember how much I miss him.

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