Wednesday, September 16, 2009

not again.

today is eric's birthday. he's 31. in other news, I overdrafted on my account for the first time today. too bad it was because I had to buy ingredients for eric's birthday cake (which is sitting in the refrigerator because I haven't seen him since sunday) and a pregnancy test. those are just the two transactions that I didn't catch before I drained my savings to save my ass; I also bought a $50+ bottle of glenlivet. for my boyfriend. for his birthday. he's 31. I'm reallllllly happy for him.

I probably shouldn't be spending this time alone being so bitter.

this is what bothers me the most about right now, this moment: I've been here before. I've fucking been here. I never wanted to do this again, and here I am. fuck, I could be pregnant right now with no idea whether the father gives a shit about me.

moments like these make me question what could be wrong with me that makes guys think I'm so expendable? I've asked this question before. I've wondered it many times over....I've got to be doing something wrong.

for all I know it's just a fluke lately, that we've both been really busy and it's so hard to coordinate our schedules. but I can't do that so early in the game. I think it's atrocious that we live less than ten minutes away and can't manage to see each other till the weekend. it's ridiculous that eric doesn't want to be friends on facebook or whatever because he'd rather connect with me, the real person, but we don't even connect......?

it sucks so bad because I'm generally a very laid-back person and I think that it's equally important for a couple to have time apart as much as they spend together. it's when things become uneven that it becomes a really problem for me. I want to start sharing my life with someone, and I can't keep allowing myself to be put on the backburner with all these (albeit legitimate) excuses. it's not fair.

I keep thinking about all the times with steven that I was miserably uninvolved. I was sitting here earlier, pissed off, re-thinking and re-evaluating everything between me and eric, and then getting more pissed I am, with this unbelievable guy, and I'm so furious I could throw shit. it's the feeling of being left out and unwanted and not important that absolutely incenses me. uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! dammit, I don't care how great he is, that's bullshit! I don't want to DO THIS anymore! I don't want to constantly feel like this....fuck, I don't ever want to feel this way again! it's not fucking fair. not. fucking. fair.

and you know louise hay would say that I'm responsible for feeling this way. I know I'm horribly insecure and have a bajillion deserve issues, and that has almost everything to do with the way I'm feeling. actually, it has everything to do with it, but it's important to me to hold him accountable for his end. I thought I meant more to him than this................?

do I............................?

is it so much to ask to mean something????????????????? the here and now feels so much better than the retrospect, the I miss you I love you come back, the why did you leave.......?

................the I'm gonna.

I'm mad at myself too - totally furious. I fucked the shit out my money and didn't respect it, and now I'm in a bind with the bank and probably at least two places as a result of this. I'm mad, too, that I somehow made it ok for someone to treat me like this again. it's not a big deal, I know! but it's a big deal to me.

I purged myself of steven, and trying to rid my new relationships of as much of the shit as I can. I know I have the strength to get through it, but my heart is bound to just harden eventually and I'm not going to let that fucking happen. it would all be for nought if that happened.

all for nought.

I'm babbling now, but I can't release it till I get it all out. last year I think on steven's birthday I wrote a post that was so painful that it's hard for me to read it. I don't want that again. I don't want any of that again.

there is a point and time when I stop searching for my happiness and contentment and a place called home, and I'll come home, take off my shoes, look around me, and know that I've found it. I'm close. I'm just not there yet.

No comments: