Sunday, February 8, 2009

there are too many words.

I tried to tell myself that I would finish chemistry before I blogged or did anything else, but that went out the window. I want to write. I suppose there is a part of me with something to say.

I find this odd comfort in typing things - even emails. I enjoy my fingers tap-tapping on the keyboard, and a small sense of accomplishment in clicking 'send.' it's the easiest way to get something done. I guess I spent four years typing anything from numerous emails per day to newspaper articles to papers, essays, etc. now I'm only able to pound out emails with questionable content on a semi-regular basis.

I'm sitting at work with a lot to do and not a shit-ton of motivation to do it.

I got one of my weird feelings again today. I texted sylvia and called kristin and had already talked to my mom, but everyone was fine as far as I know. ryan was texting me, so I assume he's ok, and I texted chris to check on him. finally, I emailed steven. I figured it's been long enough I can at least ask if he's ok. I doubt he'll respond to me.

ok thea: it's over. it's over it's over it's over. I have to remind myself that. I wasn't asking for anything else from him, not even a hello (or a good-bye, for that matter). I'm trying on the idea that he's probably involved with someone else. his mom always said that troy (steven's dad) never could be alone. steven is much more of a loner, but he's always in a relationship. I don't see him being single for long.

I think I still have some growing to do before this idea fits. my heart is palpitating just thinking about this shit.

chris and I almost had sex the other night. I consider this an accomplishment, not regression (though I could and should do a whole lot better than chris, especially with our stupid track record). I really like my manager at the coffeehouse, but since kristin has already 'gone' there, I think I'll have to pass. I wonder if his brother is on the market....

I keep doing this: I'm looking. I don't need to look. I don't need (and shouldn't) to flirt, escpecially not with my freaking manager. but GAWD he's cute. anyway, back to maturity: I need to work on myself and be happy with where I am before I start (or continue) to look. I think my biggest problem is that I'm not just browsing for fun; I want a relationship. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of dating. I want to find love and connection and partnership.

I've turned from carrie bradshaw into charlotte york.

at least my email to steven was short and to the point. I've realized about myself that I don't like to be wordy anymore these days. I have no patience for it. the guy who I was talking to for like 12 seconds would send me really fancy texts, and he always wanted to taaaaaaaaaalk. ugggggggghhhh. I'm not necessarily looking for a good fuck with no conversation attached, but I don't want to deal with someone who over-psycho analyzes everything. I'm the female. let me do the over-psycho-analysis.

in other news, I have decided to not drink for a while, maybe a week. I need to take a break. I love to drink, and I love to hang out with people in a chill environment with a drink in my hand. however, I really like not drinking, too. I feel a much better sense of focus, and I like waking up in the mornings. I don't want to smoke anymore, and since I always smoke when I drink, I feel like shit in the mornings even more. at 24, I don't need to have those stupid drunken stories to fit in. in fact, those stupid drunken stories are sooooo passe. it's annoying to talk to someone who only has stories that involve booze. plus, I drove home completely tanked (which has GOT to stop) and subsequently threw up so hard that my nose started bleeding. that's when drinking is a problem, ipso facto I have a drinking problem.

though my drinking hiatus is only a week or so, I think it'll be really good for me. I'm going to welcome the focus and bid farewell to the emotional and physical breakdowns that accompany too much drinking. I might also do my homework.........

so GOALS: 1) try to stop obsessing over chad 2) try to get a date with his brother instead 3) don't drink for at least 7 days, starting today (though I didn't drink last night either) 4) don't smoke for at least 7 days 5) stop comparing every bloody male-and-I situation to steven 6) do my homework 7) get a good score on my anatomy test on thursday

here goes.............................hello world.

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