it's been such an interesting, whirlwind month. eric and I have progressed into much more serious territory. we're spending more and more time together, and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for him more each day. obviously, things aren't perfect. I can see that, even in our 'honeymoon' stage. however, things are great so far, and I'm really enjoying the ease with which we conduct our relationship.
I'm still terrified of a commitment, but I'm thinking that things are definitely moving towards something longterm - or forever. that thought alone made my stomach do a flip-flop. is that bad?
the thing is, I'm such a basketcase. a hormonal basketcase. I really like this kid, and I know things could end up being great longterm, but doesn't the grass always look greener....? more than once I've met his friends and have been mildly smitten with them. like his friend jones. he's good looking, financially successful, and if he's not sexually interested in me, then slap my butt and call me stupid because my signals are way off. then tim. omg. so cute. so sweet. did I mention cute? not that it's a huge deal, but he gave me a hug to say hi and goodbye, and I'd really only known him for one evening prior to that. again, I'd venture to say that he's mutually interested in me, but I can't fuck this up.
that's the thing: I'm thisfuckingclose to fucking things up. I don't need to go out looking for trouble; I've done a really good job finding drama in most parts of my life already, especially my love life.
I've said this to a couple of people before, and I'll say it here: I'm pretty sure eric is ready for something big to happen between us. I mean, he mentioned last night something about needing a place to stay if his dad moved in with him. I didn't feel forced (necessarily), but I think I understood that he was asking me if he could possibly shack up with me. ok. big, deep breath. wtf??!!! we've known each other a little over a month, and he's already thinking about taking that step? granted, we've spent a significant amount of time together lately, most nights even, but omg. that means a lot. a lot a lot.
ok, I suppose I'm freaking out because when I finally released myself from steven, I was able to see myself with so many other people. I felt beautiful and sexy again. I was legitimately interested in so many men who I previously couldn't see myself with. dreamboat neighbor said he was interested. kristin's adorable future brother-in-law has said multiple (positive) things about me. chad...well, chad is chad. ok, now I'm reaching. but my point is that now I'm free of steven and suddenly I'm in a relationship and I don't know if that's where I want to be. is it??
I said for so long that I want a no-bullshit relationship with someone who wanted to spend time with me, who was pleasant and fun and easygoing and friendly and...and...all the things that eric is, so far. but it's not scary so much as it seems so final. I mean, I can't even stomach calling him my boyfriend, let alone letting him live in my apartment temporarily and think about our wedding. you know what he said last night??! OUR KIDS. WTF.
basically what it amounts to is that he's real, and I'm really not sure about it all. I just started getting used to looking. I don't know if I want to fuck things up by saying "yeah, I'm not ready for this, I just got out of a longterm relationship (a fucking year ago) and I don't think I'm ready to commit, blah blah blah." the problem (oh, and there are many) is that I could say "no thanks right now" and he would be gone. donezo. and where would I be? I can't date his friends, and it's not like I have a whole lot of options elsewhere. well, not any good options.
so here's my compromise/theory: love, or relationships as a whole, are a manifestation of a decision made on the part of a person or a couple. I can decide to love eric (eventually), and I can decide to be with him now for an indefinite amount of time. but, to maintain my integrity, I have to commit to at least that decision, which also means committing to eric. the end.
well, I can do that. maybe. I may have to force myself to do it, to be an adult, but so be it. I can't keep compromising my character just because I have an overactive vagina.
ok, on to the next order of business, which is also in the title: timetables. when is too soon? this whole dating thing is so new to me that I can't figure anything out. I really think it's too soon for me and eric to think about moving in together, but who is to say that if we maintain our current relationship? if that's the case, then my sisters were right: I could potentially be picking out my wedding dress by next spring. *gulp* and oh god, what if I get pregnant? or what if I already am?! that would certainly put a spin on things.
so we're fumbling our way through this new thing we call a relationship. I'm hoping we're mutually clueless so that one of us isn't always calling the shots. I'm also hoping that my heart, my head and my vagina will all settle down so I can enjoy my life with this guy more fully and without so many reservations. brittany would say I need to chill, and so would natalie, and so would sylvia. kristin is probably the only person who'd be like "get it while you still can!!" but she is just now settling down and getting married, and she's 30. I want to get this show on the road a bit sooner if I can help it.
I don't know, man. I don't know which body part I should listen to. I also don't know if there is a valid reason why I'm so freaking nervous about starting a perfectly normal, perfectly fabulous new relationship with someone great.
I guess because it's been so long since that's happened.
it's a real mind fuck with him because I'm constantly reminding myself not to say 'I love you.' I mean, for god's sake it's literally a month to the day since our first date. now we're making meals together, spending most nights together, having lots of sex together...but it's still too soon in the grand scheme of my timetable. I can't even call him my boyfriend yet. good lord I have issues.
so more to come, I suppose. things are going rather well, and I do see a future with this guy.
I hope I don't fuck it all up.