Thursday, January 29, 2009

I don't even want to look at my past blogs. they're probably all sad and about steven, and I'm not interested in delving into that over and over again. he's on my mind enough.

I'm waiting for him, but it's hard to admit that to anyone but myself. I've been feeling his energy a lot this last month, and nothing has come of it. I tried to text him the other day and got no response, which is just as well since I don't have his number in my phone anymore. the last messages I received from him I just deleted because I told myself this was it: no more longing, waiting, hurting. I've simply learned that it doesn't matter if his number is in my phone or not.... I'm always waiting.

it's hard to tell whether I just miss him or if I miss being with someone. I've been talking here and there to some guys, but I don't have the energy to waste my time with them. I don't feel a damn thing compared to what I felt with steven. but you know, I didn't feel shit when I first got to know him...he was just a friend, but he and I had great chemistry together. my mom always said that.

how do I forget a lifetime? god I'm dramatic. but that's what it is with him. I had lived my life from our beginning to my end with him in it, and now he's gone.....? that's so horribly sad. I need to move on.

so I tried. I tried talking to this guy named jeremy, but I knew that it wasn't going anywhere so I dropped him like a bad habit (much to his dismay). I mess around with chris here and there, but it's a joke because I wouldn't consider opening that can of worms again. I went to alton recently and felt like a piece of meat but never felt a particular pull toward the guys there. I even hung out with JD and didn't feel the slightest bit of chemistry with him.

I'm beginning to think I'm asexual.

I don't want my cynicism to get the better of me. I guess I'll have to keep waiting until I get over my bad self. there is a point and time that I won't care about him anymore. there is a point and time that I'll think about someone else more than I think about him. there just might be a time in which I won't compare every male in my life to him and my feelings for him.

there just might..........

siiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh. I divide my excuses for not dating people between "they're too good for me" and "wow, trassssshhhh" I know there's an in-between somewhere...

I called this guy jeremy the other day because we'd had a good conversation and it seemed like a good idea at the time. so we talked twice about a lot, and it was fun, but I was done. I knew I was done. I didn't feel like being on the phone all the damn time and he was half great, half drama/trash/blah blah blah.

I don't know. it's going to get better. I want it to. I have to have faith that while I control most of what happens in my life, sometimes we're in the right place at the right time.

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