oh my goodness I can't believe my life right now. I really, really like eric. we had a great time last night, and we had a fabulous makeout session at the end of the night. I definitely know he finds me attractive, if you know what I mean...wow. that was a lot of fun. I had to drag myself out of the car to leave because I didn't want to. he's just really great.
so I get home and I'm riding on a high from being with eric, seeing him play (which was terribly sexy yum) and spending time with him in general, and I'm surprised to see my neighbor chris getting out of his car as I pulled up. I get out of my car to go oepn the garage door, and suddenly chris is standing righttherethisclose and is trying to pin me to my car and kiss me.
here is chris, hot, gorgeous chris who I've been pining after for months and months, and he's allll over me. his hands are everywhere and his mouth is hot and needy and all over mine. it's like the hottest thing that could have ever happened to me, and I don't know what to do.
so, of course, I said something stupid.
I'm like, uhhmm what did you drink - horny juice?! what is the matter with you?? so he explains (in between trying to eat me alive in the middle of the night, in the middle of my alley) that he's been interested in me for months and that I'm a crazy person for not figuring this out. I had NO freakin clue that this kid likes me. I just assumed that he's not my type, that he's got some other girl (or 190 for all I know) who fits the bill a hell of a lot better than I do, and he certainly didn't like me.
ooooooooh but he does. wwwwoooooowwww.
so somehow he ended up in my apartment, somehow I started taking his clothes off, and somehow my clothes suddenly disappeared. I can barely type how amazing he looks like with his clothes off. the whole time this is happening, I'm thinking, oh my god, wtf am I doing? I can't believe I'm doing this!!?? this is terrible. I was just enjoying an amazing time with the guy I'm slowly and surely falling in love with, and here I am, about to screw some jockhead neighbor.
so mistakes were made. I still can't fucking believe what happened. but oh my god, he's beautiful with his clothes off. nothing was 'done' by the time I just made him leave because I was so mad at myself. but even when he was leaving, he pushed me back against the wall, knocking things over, and kissed me so harrrrrd. uuuuugggggggghhhh I can't get over this.
at some point we exchanged numbers (I think that's supposed to come before sleeping with someone, along with, you know, dinner, drinks, conversation...) and he texted me. he wanted to spend the rest of the night together, and I staunchly refused. I had already taken a shower to try and wash off my slutty behavior (is that possible???) and I wasn't going to sucker into another siutation. but anyway, I went outside for one more rendezvous with him, and he climbed over the fence so it was much easier for him to grab me and make out again.
now, I'm nothing if not experienced as a lover and kisser, so I know he had to be sufficiently impressed. but I had to end the evening. it was Time. I can't two-time these guys. I like eric too much, and I've already seen way too much of my neighbor for comfort.
I seriously, seriously still can't fuckin believe what happened. I can't believe chris likes me. I'm going to have to get over it and forgive myself for the indiscretions. eric and I may be going forward exceedingly well, and we're likely going to have a future together. I can't tell him. I can't. it would probably ruin us.
so today I'm a little sore, fairly embarrassed, somewhat impressed with myself for standing my ground (cough cough, AFTER the fact), and totally inundated with flashbacks of chris's body. le sigh. oh, and my face is totally chapped from making out with two scruffy men.
how do I feel about all this? hmmm let's see. I'm still surprised that chris admitted his feelings for me (whatever they are and if they're for real). he even said that he was totally bummed that things were going well with my 'date' (aka eric) because he wanted to get involved with me. I'm mad that I fed into my hormones so heavily. it's like eric got me all primed and ready, then sent me into the proverbial firepit with chris. I want things to work out with eric, so no more chris. check. and keep hormones in check. check. and sleep. check.
I am allowing myself to forgive me for doing something stupid. I can't change the past, but I can certainly be better in the future. I allow myself to enjoy eric and other pleasurable things in my life, despite the silly mistakes I made. it's going to be ok. all is well in my world.