I'm at rj working right now and though tonight hasn't been difficult, I'm trying not to be a massive bitch. I'm tired and ready to go home and eat chicken tenders and french fries, of all things. geez. one day I'm hoping it'll get a little easier.
I bitch about this shit and I'm sitting next to a kid who struggles so fully to mainstream and be as 'normal' as possible. what does that tell you? I need to modify my perception of how terrible my life is...because it's not.
my sister said something yesterday that hurt my feelings so badly that I don't want to talk to her for a few days. she mentioned how she doesn't like to call me anymore because I lament, or, in her words, throw it in her face that I work so much. it bothered me because I don't have the option of not working, and I wish I could spend even a fraction of my time the way she does.
I'm also really sensitive to my loved ones in my life saying anything about not spending any time with them lately. I get that I've been awol; I get that I'm often to busy to do anything with them. I understand that I'm not giving them the time that I used to. it breaks my heart and I don't like that part of this transitional time in my life. but I'm not going to taint my little piece of happiness because everyone else is unhappy with that decision. I can't be everything to everyone else anymore. I'm not always available to be everyone's 'go-to' person, even if they didn't think of me that way. I'm not willing to drop what I'm doing because someone has made plans and wants me to tag along. don't get me wrong; I sound like an asshole for assuming that people want to spend all sorts of time with me. the truth is, I just want to do my own thing and not catch crap for it.
I'm really on the defensive about this because I know I'm fucking up somewhere along the lines. I don't want to stop being friends with the people in my life just because I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to feel so fucking guilty for choosing eric over most other people.
I should call natalie. I should call ryan. I should spend time with both of them. I should stop bitching about it all so much and do the right thing.
but what the fuck is that?
I also need to address with eric the other half of my concern: him. in the past, he's gotten really upset when I want to spend an evening with one of my friends, usually natalie. he wants to do things together, and generally we are each other's 'plans.' but I do want to go out sometimes with just a few people, or just ryan, or just natalie. I desperately need an evening with just brittany. in order to keep the peace with eric, I should probably figure this shit out prior to pissing him off. I don't want to end up feeling claustrophobic. I love that kid too much.
I think, too, that things have the potential of evening out when his dad moves out and I subsequently move in. I shouldn't be in a hurry, but things are progressing, like it or not. it makes sense for us to really start sharing the load. also, it'll be easier for us to spend time together and apart because no matter what, we'd be living together. brittany could come over. natalie could come over. ryan could come over. sylvia could come over.
sylvia could be my freaking sister again.
that's another day, another conversation.
the problem at this point with moving in is that eric is avoiding the situtation on many levels. I don't blame him; avoidance is my defense mechanism when there's too much shit to deal with. his family is putting a lot on his shoulders and it's not right. it's ridiculous what they're asking him to do - like his mom telling him to call his dad's lawyers to make them stop filing a lawsuit. that's entirely her problem, and I think it's bullshit she and his dad are dragging him into it so heavily. they don't know that he wakes up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. they don't know that their bullshit is putting a huge strain on his teaching and his relationship with me. they have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. it sucks so bad...
he needs to talk to his dad about setting up a timeline for when he gets out of eric's house. he is a grown man and should not be relying on his son to fix things for him. he needs to get his shit together. I'm so mad about the whole situation that it makes me physically nauseous to spend time around some of his family. I just want eric to man up and kick him out. OUT
ok enough bitching. I need to study!