Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm not looking for a ring. am I?

it's a funny thing, getting into a healthy relationship with someone new. it means a lot of different things. for one, it means that we can feasibly consider the possibility of staying together. for two, it means that I'm feeling more and more ok with it.

I was thisclose to finally saying I love you last night. I want to wait for him to do it, but I don't think my big mouth will hold out. I can't help loving someone like him so soon.

so I've been (semi)secretly looking at wedding dresses online. of course, I love the ones that are ridiculously expensive. natalie and I are talking about having the hypothetical bridesmaids wear mustard yellow unitards. with sequins.

I'm sitting here staring at the computer, wondering how I put this shit in words. the truth is, I can't. I can't keep trying to explain this to myself. I'd rather just let it go, let it ride, experience it and be happy with the results. or at least not have any regrets. the truth is, too, that I can see myself marrying this wonderful man, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities between us. for instance, last night, he mentioned that perhaps his mom is mad at him for not getting married and having babies, and it was all I could do to not say something like "well you can have babies with me!" who says that one month in??

I keep mentioning to him the steps and directions we keep going in to him, and he just waves it away with his hand, saying it's silly to label anything. we don't need to label what is and has been just a good time.

but maybe I need the label for it to sink in....?

you know, in the grand scheme of anything, we've known each other 12 seconds. I can't jump the gun and assume that this is it, but god! the pressure! it's not even that bad, but man, bringing him to the wedding was not a good idea if I was iffy about him. everyone who met him was impressed, and I think they're all assuming that he's going to be It. should I listen to them? is that the universe saying something to me? it's just very confusing.

I go through spurts where I'm like "is this real? do I like him really, or am I just grateful for the companionship?" but then last night I felt crazy about him. I couldn't stop touching him, smiling when I was around him, and I slept thisclose to him all night long.

ahh! stop it! I can't be wary of the bottom dropping out! this is good, that's all it is. that's it! it can even stay good! it's normal!

ok, I need to keep getting these things off my chest so I don't blow up one day. that wouldn't do me any good. last night we were discussing me being a pain in the ass, and he's super concerned about getting into fights and dealing with a self-reported pita. we concluded that I'm sassy more than anything, so he's relieved, I'm amused, and we're still happy. he hates the idea of fighting, though. he's like dreading it. I, for one, don't believe a healthy relationship is without conflict, so hopefully we'll find a way to fight healthily. or we can at least have a foundation to start from - like counseling.

omg. I did just say that.

I'm rambling, I know. I talked to ryan a few minutes ago and he said to chill out and not worry so damn much. he's right. only time will tell.

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