ok, I have to admit to myself that I create my own drama.
this week has been weird. well, the last couple of weeks have been weird. I turned 25 just the other day, and I'm feeling every minute of my age. the day was fun and laid-back....I worked that morning at 6, went to class, went on a run with mac, went out to dinner with eric, then out with natalie. I got rip-roaring drunk, called and texted people all night, kissed some guy at the bar, threw up on the way home more than once, spent the entire next day recovering, and got into a fight with eric. I also managed to get into contact once again with dreamy neighbor who proceeded to text me dirty messages the whole next day - a welcome and unwelcome gesture.
last week I went to alton with eric and brittany so eric could experience the block party. it was an ok night overall, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder, which was my fault. I spent almost all my money and I had to drive britt and eric home. we saw steven that night too....it fuckin freaked me out. b and I wanted eric to see the beagle since we'd been there so many times in the past, and lo and behold, steven was there. I saw him the last moment before we walked inside from the patio. so we sat down inside and ordered. in the meantime, b saw steven and started kicking the shit out of my shins to let me know. since I have a radar that detects my steven, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I would see him that night. sooooooo we decided to move to the other side of the bar to avoid contact; I didn't know how steven would react to my being there with another guy. luckily things went off without a hitch.
the adventures continue. my boss had a get-together at his place earlier in the week in honor of chad, alex and aaron's return, so I went. it was a lot of fun - till chad started grabbing my butt and hitting on me. I mean, when you've been mildly obsessed with someone like I've been for him, it's hard not to react in his favor. but I love eric, and I can't continue to sabotage my love life. it's unproductive. anyway, I went home early because I had to be at work at 6am. chad continued to text me and suddenly my phone rang around 130 or 2am - it was him. we talked for a while, and he all but made the offer to come over and...whatnot. I obviously declined, mostly because I just can't sleep with someone who's already slept with my sister. when I told him this, he proceeded to tell me that he has no feelings for her and that he thinks I'm much cuter than she is. ok, 1. I don't care about his feelings. I'm still not sleeping with him. and 2. telling me my sisters are anything less than totally and completely beautiful will put you on my short list.
I thought about my encounter with chad. I was so fucking floored by it. I assumed he was just naturally flirty, not interested. or maybe he's not interested and just wanting to get in my pants? that's extremely plausible, especially with him leaving in a couple of days for CT. but now I'm all verklemmt. and totally satisfied - I mean, I'm not going to sleep with him, the end. but knowing that he wanted to sleep with me was enough to satiate my need to know whether he was interested or not. it's the most hands-off sex I've ever had.
anyway, there is always 'more.' thursday I went out with natalie again, and we went to jive. I was so convinced that there would be a minor amount of drama that night that I decided to create my own: by texting steven. he responded almost immedately, much to my surprise/chagrin/horror. he started by being really argumentative, and I had to backpedal quite a bit, saying I was sorry I texted him at all. then he began asking me if everything was ok, and why did I text him, and how did I still have his number, and all these other things. so we went back and forth for a while, and I finally just called him (I was so tired I could barely stay awake to text, and besides....my thumbs were worn out.
...we ended up talking for almost 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. it was a really great conversation. we were able to get a lot of shit out on the table and explain things we were never able to talk about before. he said he missed me 'every damn day of the week' and he loves me still. I had to tell him that I missed him and loved him too (though it wasn't that hard to admit). we both agreed that we can't be friends because we don't have an in between; we're either together, or we're not talking. we're either having sex or we're fighting. we're either kissing and loving each other or we're not touching at all. 'friends' is not an option with thea and steven.
it was so wonderful to hear his voice though. I can't not admit it. I'm not so gravitationally drawn towards him that I can't function and I'm no longer in love with my bf, but we're so universally connected that I can't deny it; I have to be honest and just fuckin embrace it. I did tell him I have a boyfriend and that we've been dating for a couple of months. he said he was happy for me and that I deserved the best....and he wasn't it. he admitted I was the best thing in his life and that he purposely threw it all away because he was so scared of being (or not being) exactly what I needed and wanted...and deserved.
it was a weight lifted off of me, talking to him. I can put the phone back down and not feel the need to contact him. he said the night I saw him he thought the bald guy (eric) was jeremy, so thank god. it may have changed things. however, he's so....balanced? calm? something. he's still same old steven, but I could've talked to him for hours. he's so raw right now, like we were able to shed a lot of bullshit in our time apart. he said he isn't dating anyone (I don't think) and I didn't think he was looking to get back together or anything. I honestly think he wants me to be happy. I honestly believe it when he says he loves me and wants the best for me.
something else he mentioned was the fact that the last thing he wanted to do was move in together. he was really nervous about ruining everything we had together by driving each other crazy with daily living conditions (brushing teeth, doing laundry, riding the couch), which is respectable. no, you know what it is? it's the truth. he wasn't ready to grow up. he probably still isn't. not being with me might be a huge burden lifted from him - which is sad, but interesting. or something.
I still don't know how exactly to feel about it all, but I know a few things: I love steven. I told him so. I miss him. I told him that too. I want the best for him. I made sure I knew that. and I know that if our world keeps spinning like it does, we'll end up together. somehow. someday.
I'm not hoping for that. I wish I could take back so much of what we had. I wish I still had so much of what I already blocked out. but there are some things I just know.
and I know steven will be a part of my life again one day, probably a long time from now.