Monday, September 21, 2009

I spent most of my evening at home, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I read my book for a while (I'm reading 'fall on your knees') and then remembered to eat and do a few things around my apartment.

I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.

the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.

brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.

britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!

the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.

it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.

I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.

no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.

is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....

but man, my heart won't listen to reason.

No comments: