Thursday, March 5, 2009

I hope I'm just near my period because I'm consistently annoyed with anyone who moves near me. I pretty much feel like they're all jerks and I'm the only reasonable person alive, but that doesn't make any sense either. sigh.

I'm probably just hungry. or tired. or stressed. I hope I pass my classes.

the bridal shower for brittany is this saturday. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly. I just realized I hadn't planned for a sitter for mac, and he'll definitely need one. poor baby! he's been torturing me for not paying enough attention to him or something. brat.

I've been doing a lot better about the whole steven thing lately. I still think about him a ton, and now that I know he's on fb I've been mildly stalking him, but nothing over the top. I have days when I think about how great things were, and then I immediately have days when I can't believe I stayed with him through all the bullshit. ew.

it helps that I have distractions...chris and I had a lot of fun together while it lasted. I didn't want to encourage anything further with him because I don't want a relationship with him - again. he was going through a hard time, we hung out (and ultimately messed around) and that's it. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was going to break my heart again if I started getting feelings for him.

MY HEART: it's this expendable little thing. I think I was talking to my mom recently, and I realized that I generally set myself up for this kind of heartbreak. I hate the thought of someone taking care of me, or of being vulnerable, but I crave it at the same time. I want someone who lets me be independent and myself and who gives me free time and me time and away time....but I'm pretty sure I've created a person who ignores me, who gives me way too much space, who doesn't spend a lot of time with me, etc etc etc.

I tell myself that I want someone who makes things a lot simpler: I like you, you like me, let's hang out, date, spend more time together, seriously date, get married, make babies, the whole nine yards. I suppose I had something similar to that with derek (ew). I should probably stop trying to work within parameters so that I keep an open mind.

let's be honest here: I'm simply still not ready to be in another relationship. I'm still to raw and hurt and in pain. the end.

oh well. maybe someday.

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