it's the end of the day, and I don't have much to do. I'm just going to sit and blog. they might fire me, but I dont have much to lose. I sent It in this morning, and I have another portion of It reaching the office by tomorrow or the next day. I'm excited. I told myself if steven ever ended things with me (which he did), I would simply quit my job and join the peace corps, military or just plain move away. he's too close here. it's driving me nuts. I need to delete him from my friends list so I stop internet stalking him, but I probably would look him up anyway. what I don't understand (tres usual) is WHY. what part of me is so undesirable that he can't be with me - fully, truly, deeply. and now WHEN am I supposed to move on?? my skin crawls every time I think about having sex with another guy. I slept with a guy this past weekend (just slept), but I woke up the next day horribly, irreversibly guilty. nothing happened. I wouldn't even kiss him, but I had my ass rested up against his cock and the only thing I could think of was steven. charming, yeah? kevin messaged me the other day...it's as if he has this radar for the times when steven and I aren't doing so well. he wants to hang out again. it about killed me to politely tell him to call me when he got to town so we could hang out. I don't have any desire to be near him. he's riddled with addiction, mostly an alcoholic. my dad was impossible to spend time with on his birthday - why should I repeat that disaster with kevin?? ugh. I don't even know if I'm pregnant or getting ready to bleed. either way, I haven't been sleeping, my appetite has been really weird, and I've 'drank my dinner' more than once in the last few weeks. I really, really don't want to spiral down that path. I'd rather off myself. my dad has been trying for years. I just don't get it: why does steven think that his problems are so much bigger and more important than anyone else's?? I thought adversity toughens people up, not make them self-pitying bastards. I'm no hercules, but for fuck's sake! my life is no worse than the next person. speaking of bad situations, k is pregnant. this is very unexpected, and she's married. it's concerning because she didn't plan this one, and she doesn't have the money to accommodate another child. I feel really awful for her, but I'm happy at the same time. I'm almost positive it's going to be a boy. GOD I keep going back to this, but WHY dammit! I need some closure. closure would be good. I don't want to see him...seeing him would put me in a very vulnerable situation. my legs would give out, my stomach would flip flop, and I might even start to cry. I fuckin hate crying in front of him. I generally don't. you know, he has pushed and pushed and pushed, and I am finally out of his life. what now? what the FUCK now??? I guess no matter how I feel or felt, it was never really meant to be. fuck him. fuck this. I can't believe he finally succeeded in deleting me from his life. how does he do it? I want to know. I'll even take notes for fuck's sake. I'm so mad. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad. I miss his touch and his face and his jokes and his stories and his stupid car and his stupid town and his stupid smile and everything. I can't afford to forget a part of my life again, but I don't want to remember how much I miss him.

4:22pm another day, another 8 minutes to tick by while I wait for the day to be over. I am so ready to be outta here. I was just on the phone with a guy who is interested in one of our programs and he stressed me out so much. he was asking 9203842093 questions, most of which I couldn't answer. people are like that, man, asking questions that the other person cannot possibly answer...then feeling powerful and intelligent because I don't know how to answer. siiiiiiiiigh it is a friday conversation, one that makes me more tired than I already am. I'm going to sylvia's surprise bridal shower tonight, then who knows? maybe out? I dont know. I'm just ready to head out. it's too pretty outside and there's too much going on for me to not be stir crazy. at least f didn't finish out the day in the office...that makes my day better. I'm getting outta here before L starts talking about another one of her ailments.

I'm having a really hard time focusing today at work. we have our tri party this evening, and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm in a lull lately at work so I have nothing to do between now and then. we're supposed to be working on recruiting dates for the fall, but I haven't been able to do very well in this arena for two reasons:
1. I hate traveling and recruiting so I have little motivation to work diligently on that schedule.
2. I hope to not be here in the fall so I have even less motivation to do the work.
I do try sometimes to find more opportunities to travel, but I'm serious when I say that I cannot force myself to work. it's like my entire psyche rebels against doing the work. I thought I was a fairly ambitious person, but my body insists otherwise. I'm trying to be less lazy so that I lose weight, get more things done in my life, and get over these 'funks' a little more easily. buuuuuuuuuuut then I get home after a long day at work, I take off my shoes and work attire, and all I want to do is lay down and decompress.
butthead hasn't called or texted me since the late afternoon yesterday. I'm letting it go...letting it go...I really don't want to attract negative energy becaue I can't really afford it. instead I sit at my desk at work and blog.
I have at least two - if not three - book ideas on the table right now and I can't wait to get started on them. I'm working on one with brittany and another with kristin, then of course I'll be motivated to write my novel. oh that novel. I wish I could figure out what I'm even going to write. I should continuously write down brainstorms and plots. there is no reason not to start, even without a real direction or idea. I've had plenty of ideas and I always think of really great portions and parts of a book, like how to start and end chapters. I haven't quite been able to figure out how to begin the entire book, but I've got the ends of chapters down pat. now if I could only manage to figure out the shit that's in-between....
I should probably get back to...whatever it is I can do to make myself look busy. when do I start this whole nursing thing?? is my life in a constant state of transition??? fuck! as soon as I relax and start to get used to something, I actually end up hating it and starting something else!! well my life will never be boring. blech.
ok, before I forget, this is a totally unrelated topic. BUT I can't tell sylvia this and I have to bitch about it. because that's what I do. anyway, I keep fucking digressing. my aunt v is wonderful, one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, but her 2 children are monsters. they suck her dry. she came in the other day to my g-ma's when my mom, gma and I were all working on the shower invitations and was pissed about having to rent a tux for jason for the wedding. she was asking because she was pissed about paying for kimmi's dress, shoes, her plane ticket, and now jason's tux. she wants him to just wear one of his suits (like a black suit). needless to say, it's not gonna work. sly wants no black in her wedding. all the men are wearing brown tuxes for god's sake! not to be picky, but black just wouldn't work at all.
I SO want to talk to sly about it. I want to suggest that she switch the birdesmen for the usheresses, then eliminate the need for jason to be an usher. it's too much to ask. the tux isn't that expensive, and kimmi's dress was SUPER cheap ; $40!! her shoes were only $25! I just don't have any sympathy. I have paid too much money already for weddings to have sympathy. if she has a problem with it all, then she should make her damn spoiled kids pay for that shit themselves OR tell sly it ain't gonna happen. that's all I have to say.
I'm so annoyed. I still really want to talk about it to sly..............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

here I am again, the last 10 minutes of my work week remain and I can't focus any longer. I'm going to my dad's house today. it's his birthday, and he's turned 47. when I called him earlier he was sleeping, but I couldn't tell if the wilt in his voice was a result of being sleepy or drunk. or both. he rarely stays sober anymore. some days he's lucid, and others he's totally out of it. he asked, for instance, who I'm dating. I've been dating steven for 4 1/2 years now, dad. you remember him.

it's hard to recall a time when he wasn't so far gone. it wasn't long ago, but it really has been an entire transitional time-frame ago. I have gone to school, graduated, bought a new car, moved into my first apartment, and started my first real job in the time that he has ignored the life revolving around him. I dont think tony even bothers visiting him anymore. when did my dad stop being a dad?

I find myself surprised when someone follows through when they do something nice for me. is that normal? I remember with a lot of affection the day that my dad came home with a new tail light for me. things like that rarely happened: he sees a problem and can't fix it, so he finds another way. the end. no questions asked. how does that happen?

there is a level of accountability that I dont hold people to because who in my life has been held accountable? my mom divorced my dad, which shattered his world, and he never hit rock bottom. no, I take that back, he has completely hit rock bottom, but I think that he is finally somewhat comfortable in this world of pain in which he resides. it's as if it matches what he's felt his whole life, this personal hell. what else can you make of a person who was so alive and well not long ago?

I can't bring myself to think about him too often, because I see so much of my life in him - not the past, but the reality of the fact that he has eeked into every inch of my being. I've adopted methods of dating my dad, befriending my dad, feeling the inordinate amount of pain like my dad, reserving myself to the fact that I'll likely never be fully happy - like my dad.

my grandpa believes strongly in the power of the mind, that we decide how things affect us.

was his dad an alcoholic?

I have 20 minutes left and I don't think I can wait that long. so, I put off the work that's overwhelming my desk and blogging instead. I'll take the heat later.

I would really like to leave and start school finally. at this point, waiting tables or stocking shelves at a grocery store sounds so much better. I want to go to work, do my job, and go home...and NOT take work with me. I feel like there is no reason for me to constantly put myself out there to work work work. I'm a human being, not a machine, and while I love to work hard, I hate to work hard constantly.

I look at Pat and get sad. he is completely inundated with work and doesn't quite understand why people don't do the same. I have no desire to be boss because boss = serious responsibility, and I don't like it here enough to take so much shit home.

bitch bitch bitch. tim hates to bitch, and though he'll never admit it, he hates when I bitch about my job. I wish so much that he could get a job somewhere soon. he has certainly earned it. he has an education and a lot of experience, but there is no one out there willing to hire him. what the hell?? what company doesn't want a work-hungry nice guy to work for them? it drives me nuts.

speaking of nuts, my co worker...oh geez. she need serious therapy. I'm sure most of her problems (health-wise, that is) stems from the fact that she CONSTANTLY puts chemicals into her body. she drinks sugar-free (but not flavorless) drinks every day and takes at least 2 excedrin daily as well. top that off with the fact that she's also addicted to sleeping medication and we have a load of shit we're dealing with here.

I need to finish up work I suppose and get out of here. this way if someone walks by they'll see that I'm 'pretending' to do something. adios. coming soon: novel.

steven and I broke up today. because I can't predict the future, I have no idea if this is 'it' but it doesn't feel like much else.

he left.

I walked outside to make sure his car was gone. I couldn't help but think that this is the last time he'll ever park in that spot. I can't help but think this is the last time he'll ever walk out of my door. he has my keys...I fuckin hate that. it means that I'll always wonder if he's been here - every time I come home I'll glance up at my bedroom window to see if the light is on. I'll walk up the stairs and pause for a moment as soon as I unlock my apartment to see if I can feel whether he's been there or not. this will happen every day, without fail.

he left. he won't come back.

I changed my mind. I wanted him to turn back around.

I don't think he'll ever know how I feel about him, and I don't think I'll ever believe he loved me. maybe it'll be easier to think he never felt anything for me; it was just easy to stay than to start over. you know, starting over is exciting and fun. it's supposed to feel wonderful and I'm supposed to be happy that I'm 23, relatively good-looking, free and talented, witty and outgoing.

ha. fuck the way things are supposed to be. it's not fun - not when everyone I see is steven, not when the I pretend that the lips I'm kissing belong to steven, and not when steven walks into a room and my heart flips.

no one else does that to me.

will anyone else do that to me?

will I ever see him again? I will. I'll hate it, but I will see him.

but will I ever love anyone again like I do him....

why is it that we're always waiting?

I'm waiting for chris and jon to show up so we can go to the science center. we were supposed to meet at 3...and it's about 4pm now.

steven and I aren't speaking again, and it's partially his choice (or his stubbornness) and mostly mine. we haven't spoken since...wednesday? thursday maybe? I lose track.

I'm waiting.

I think I attract people I cannot depend upon. I can blame my dad for this as a result of his alcoholic tendencies, which in turn has made me attract people like him. the truth is, I have to blame me. I let it happen - I allow people to walk all over me while masking it with an impermeable, terribly insensitive facade that generally indicates "she don't take shit off no one."

lately I don't recognize myself. my relationship with steven is perpetually tumultuous. my job is a series of anticlimactic moments that a year ago I would have said "defined" me. but am I the boring office marm? am I the girl who puts on high heels and kisses ass? maybe. maybe that's just what I've become.

on the short end, I'm waiting for chris to pick me up. I'm waiting for steven to call me. I'm hungry.

lately I've let my thoughts drift to a place that I'm trying not to acknowledge, and I can't help it. I have this irksome suspicion that steven will never want to marry me, that we will drag the wounded shroud of our relationship around for a while longer until one day one of us will finally have the balls to call it quits. then, as soon as we're over, he'll find the person he truly wants to spend his life with and marry her. perhaps I'm not the marrying type.

I was watching that movie with meg ryan and andy garcia yesterday - where she's an alcoholic? - and a lot of what she said reminded me of myself. sometimes I hate myself so much that I can't blame steven - or anyone really - for not loving me. it's such a sad, disgusting form of self mutilation and deprecation. I'm not a victim. victims are boring. sometimes, however, my tortured soul - as kevin called it - makes an unwanted appearance in my life and I don't have the strength to tell it to fuck off.

sigh. whatever. this pity train is getting me nowhere. I'll find myself one of these days and figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. I know I have a lot to offer, and I know I've got a good head on my shoulders and an even better heart. I'll swim for sure.

it would just be nice to know who's gonna be willing to lug my ass out of the water when I get in over my head.