I'm not looking for a ring. am I?

it's a funny thing, getting into a healthy relationship with someone new. it means a lot of different things. for one, it means that we can feasibly consider the possibility of staying together. for two, it means that I'm feeling more and more ok with it.

I was thisclose to finally saying I love you last night. I want to wait for him to do it, but I don't think my big mouth will hold out. I can't help loving someone like him so soon.

so I've been (semi)secretly looking at wedding dresses online. of course, I love the ones that are ridiculously expensive. natalie and I are talking about having the hypothetical bridesmaids wear mustard yellow unitards. with sequins.








I'm sitting here staring at the computer, wondering how I put this shit in words. the truth is, I can't. I can't keep trying to explain this to myself. I'd rather just let it go, let it ride, experience it and be happy with the results. or at least not have any regrets. the truth is, too, that I can see myself marrying this wonderful man, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities between us. for instance, last night, he mentioned that perhaps his mom is mad at him for not getting married and having babies, and it was all I could do to not say something like "well you can have babies with me!" who says that one month in??

I keep mentioning to him the steps and directions we keep going in to him, and he just waves it away with his hand, saying it's silly to label anything. we don't need to label what is and has been just a good time.

but maybe I need the label for it to sink in....?

you know, in the grand scheme of anything, we've known each other 12 seconds. I can't jump the gun and assume that this is it, but god! the pressure! it's not even that bad, but man, bringing him to the wedding was not a good idea if I was iffy about him. everyone who met him was impressed, and I think they're all assuming that he's going to be It. should I listen to them? is that the universe saying something to me? it's just very confusing.

I go through spurts where I'm like "is this real? do I like him really, or am I just grateful for the companionship?" but then last night I felt crazy about him. I couldn't stop touching him, smiling when I was around him, and I slept thisclose to him all night long.

ahh! stop it! I can't be wary of the bottom dropping out! this is good, that's all it is. that's it! it can even stay good! it's normal!

ok, I need to keep getting these things off my chest so I don't blow up one day. that wouldn't do me any good. last night we were discussing me being a pain in the ass, and he's super concerned about getting into fights and dealing with a self-reported pita. we concluded that I'm sassy more than anything, so he's relieved, I'm amused, and we're still happy. he hates the idea of fighting, though. he's like dreading it. I, for one, don't believe a healthy relationship is without conflict, so hopefully we'll find a way to fight healthily. or we can at least have a foundation to start from - like counseling.

omg. I did just say that.

I'm rambling, I know. I talked to ryan a few minutes ago and he said to chill out and not worry so damn much. he's right. only time will tell.

questioning the future. and my sanity.

I must be going insane. I want to tell eric I love him already! it's been like 12 seconds since we started our relationship, and I want to go There??! is this normal? god, I don't know.

the thing is, I really don't know if my feelings are for real or if I'm just having a good time and want to impulsively blurt out 'I love you.' I can't help it, though; I want to say it all the time. I have to catch myself constantly. I don't even know how he'd respond, or if he's just waiting for me to say it first, or what.......? uggggggghhhh

last night was kristin's wedding. it was really beautiful. she looked incredible, they look so happy, and almost everything went picture-perfect smoothly. eric was my date, and he was wonderful. I spent a lot of time dancing, which meant that he spent a lot of time hanging out by himself, but he didn't seem to mind. everyone wanted to meet him, everyone was asking about him, and I was put on the hot seat about 12900 times to explain his presence.

the truth is, I think that he's going to be around for a long, long time. I've been trying to take a moment here and there to review just how I feel about him and us. sylvia really likes him, my mom and tim both say they have great vibes about him, brittany and jeremy like him...I don't know what to say or do in response to all of this! I mean, I don't look for approval, and I've never asked anyone what they thought (maybe one or two people). kristin, in the midst of all her wedding shenanigans, made it a point to say to me "he's soooo cute!" jill thinks he's a great man, dave seems to like him.....

but how do I feel. how do I feel?

I've found that I'm coming to the crossroads that I don't think I've been to before: I love him, or I choose to love him.

so, he's quirky. he's cute, but not call-all-your-girlfriends cute. he's a little needy, but not overwhelmingly so. he's 30 and has been a bachelor, so he comes with all that boy baggage. he says 'I'm sorry' a lot. he drinks almost every night. he's a little whiny.

but he's malleable. he's smart, fun, a loving soul. his friends have separately told me that he's a great guy. he has an education and aspirations to be something better. we can talk about english-y stuff. he writes!! he loves and appreciates family. he used to be an athlete. he owns a house. he adores me, tells me I'm beautiful, and I feel beautiful when I'm around him. I never felt that way when I was with steven.

I've (sort of) tried to talk to eric about some of this, but he's not one for a titling anything. he thinks it's unnecessary. I have to agree with him partway, but I need something tangible to try and understand. this - we - don't make any sense yet. is he my boyfriend, is he a man friend, are we serious, are we just having fun...?

another issue I try not to concern myself too much with is the fact that he (nor I) have really divulged info about past loves - or our sex past. yes, we've talked about getting our hearts broken and we've talked about people we've loved in the past, but there's more to it than that. I guess we don't necessarily need to, but I'm curious all the same.

the fact is, I'm giving myself the opportunity to be (overly) analytical because I don't feel like taking these big, huge, painful chances again at age 24 or 25. I'm not old, but I'm too old not to learn from some of my mistakes. I don't have to perpetuate my self-destructive behavior. the grass is not always greener, and bad boys will always be bad. I have to tell myself until I believe it that the guys I think might be interested are likely not - they're simple creatures, these males. if they want something, they'll let me know. if they don't, then it's not gonna happen. the end.

anyway, I suppose I'm telling myself to be ok with one person for now. I can imagine marrying eric. I think about the future a lot. I want to fast forward and see what'll happen in a year or two from now. like, what kind of ring would he get me? when would we be able to move in together? where would I put all my stuff??

so here I sit, wondering and waiting. waiting and wondering. hoping that whatever and whenever time will tell, I'll be listening.

titles & timetables

it's been such an interesting, whirlwind month. eric and I have progressed into much more serious territory. we're spending more and more time together, and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for him more each day. obviously, things aren't perfect. I can see that, even in our 'honeymoon' stage. however, things are great so far, and I'm really enjoying the ease with which we conduct our relationship.

I'm still terrified of a commitment, but I'm thinking that things are definitely moving towards something longterm - or forever. that thought alone made my stomach do a flip-flop. is that bad?

the thing is, I'm such a basketcase. a hormonal basketcase. I really like this kid, and I know things could end up being great longterm, but doesn't the grass always look greener....? more than once I've met his friends and have been mildly smitten with them. like his friend jones. he's good looking, financially successful, and if he's not sexually interested in me, then slap my butt and call me stupid because my signals are way off. then tim. omg. so cute. so sweet. did I mention cute? not that it's a huge deal, but he gave me a hug to say hi and goodbye, and I'd really only known him for one evening prior to that. again, I'd venture to say that he's mutually interested in me, but I can't fuck this up.

that's the thing: I'm thisfuckingclose to fucking things up. I don't need to go out looking for trouble; I've done a really good job finding drama in most parts of my life already, especially my love life.

I've said this to a couple of people before, and I'll say it here: I'm pretty sure eric is ready for something big to happen between us. I mean, he mentioned last night something about needing a place to stay if his dad moved in with him. I didn't feel forced (necessarily), but I think I understood that he was asking me if he could possibly shack up with me. ok. big, deep breath. wtf??!!! we've known each other a little over a month, and he's already thinking about taking that step? granted, we've spent a significant amount of time together lately, most nights even, but omg. that means a lot. a lot a lot.

ok, I suppose I'm freaking out because when I finally released myself from steven, I was able to see myself with so many other people. I felt beautiful and sexy again. I was legitimately interested in so many men who I previously couldn't see myself with. dreamboat neighbor said he was interested. kristin's adorable future brother-in-law has said multiple (positive) things about me. chad...well, chad is chad. ok, now I'm reaching. but my point is that now I'm free of steven and suddenly I'm in a relationship and I don't know if that's where I want to be. is it??

I said for so long that I want a no-bullshit relationship with someone who wanted to spend time with me, who was pleasant and fun and easygoing and friendly and...and...all the things that eric is, so far. but it's not scary so much as it seems so final. I mean, I can't even stomach calling him my boyfriend, let alone letting him live in my apartment temporarily and think about our wedding. you know what he said last night??! OUR KIDS. WTF.

basically what it amounts to is that he's real, and I'm really not sure about it all. I just started getting used to looking. I don't know if I want to fuck things up by saying "yeah, I'm not ready for this, I just got out of a longterm relationship (a fucking year ago) and I don't think I'm ready to commit, blah blah blah." the problem (oh, and there are many) is that I could say "no thanks right now" and he would be gone. donezo. and where would I be? I can't date his friends, and it's not like I have a whole lot of options elsewhere. well, not any good options.

so here's my compromise/theory: love, or relationships as a whole, are a manifestation of a decision made on the part of a person or a couple. I can decide to love eric (eventually), and I can decide to be with him now for an indefinite amount of time. but, to maintain my integrity, I have to commit to at least that decision, which also means committing to eric. the end.

well, I can do that. maybe. I may have to force myself to do it, to be an adult, but so be it. I can't keep compromising my character just because I have an overactive vagina.

ok, on to the next order of business, which is also in the title: timetables. when is too soon? this whole dating thing is so new to me that I can't figure anything out. I really think it's too soon for me and eric to think about moving in together, but who is to say that if we maintain our current relationship? if that's the case, then my sisters were right: I could potentially be picking out my wedding dress by next spring. *gulp* and oh god, what if I get pregnant? or what if I already am?! that would certainly put a spin on things.

so we're fumbling our way through this new thing we call a relationship. I'm hoping we're mutually clueless so that one of us isn't always calling the shots. I'm also hoping that my heart, my head and my vagina will all settle down so I can enjoy my life with this guy more fully and without so many reservations. brittany would say I need to chill, and so would natalie, and so would sylvia. kristin is probably the only person who'd be like "get it while you still can!!" but she is just now settling down and getting married, and she's 30. I want to get this show on the road a bit sooner if I can help it.

I don't know, man. I don't know which body part I should listen to. I also don't know if there is a valid reason why I'm so freaking nervous about starting a perfectly normal, perfectly fabulous new relationship with someone great.

I guess because it's been so long since that's happened.

it's a real mind fuck with him because I'm constantly reminding myself not to say 'I love you.' I mean, for god's sake it's literally a month to the day since our first date. now we're making meals together, spending most nights together, having lots of sex together...but it's still too soon in the grand scheme of my timetable. I can't even call him my boyfriend yet. good lord I have issues.

so more to come, I suppose. things are going rather well, and I do see a future with this guy.

I hope I don't fuck it all up.

oh my goodness I can't believe my life right now. I really, really like eric. we had a great time last night, and we had a fabulous makeout session at the end of the night. I definitely know he finds me attractive, if you know what I mean...wow. that was a lot of fun. I had to drag myself out of the car to leave because I didn't want to. he's just really great.

so I get home and I'm riding on a high from being with eric, seeing him play (which was terribly sexy yum) and spending time with him in general, and I'm surprised to see my neighbor chris getting out of his car as I pulled up. I get out of my car to go oepn the garage door, and suddenly chris is standing righttherethisclose and is trying to pin me to my car and kiss me.

...................uuuuuuuuummm what??!

here is chris, hot, gorgeous chris who I've been pining after for months and months, and he's allll over me. his hands are everywhere and his mouth is hot and needy and all over mine. it's like the hottest thing that could have ever happened to me, and I don't know what to do.

so, of course, I said something stupid.

I'm like, uhhmm what did you drink - horny juice?! what is the matter with you?? so he explains (in between trying to eat me alive in the middle of the night, in the middle of my alley) that he's been interested in me for months and that I'm a crazy person for not figuring this out. I had NO freakin clue that this kid likes me. I just assumed that he's not my type, that he's got some other girl (or 190 for all I know) who fits the bill a hell of a lot better than I do, and he certainly didn't like me.

ooooooooh but he does. wwwwoooooowwww.

so somehow he ended up in my apartment, somehow I started taking his clothes off, and somehow my clothes suddenly disappeared. I can barely type how amazing he looks like with his clothes off. the whole time this is happening, I'm thinking, oh my god, wtf am I doing? I can't believe I'm doing this!!?? this is terrible. I was just enjoying an amazing time with the guy I'm slowly and surely falling in love with, and here I am, about to screw some jockhead neighbor.

so mistakes were made. I still can't fucking believe what happened. but oh my god, he's beautiful with his clothes off. nothing was 'done' by the time I just made him leave because I was so mad at myself. but even when he was leaving, he pushed me back against the wall, knocking things over, and kissed me so harrrrrd. uuuuugggggggghhhh I can't get over this.

at some point we exchanged numbers (I think that's supposed to come before sleeping with someone, along with, you know, dinner, drinks, conversation...) and he texted me. he wanted to spend the rest of the night together, and I staunchly refused. I had already taken a shower to try and wash off my slutty behavior (is that possible???) and I wasn't going to sucker into another siutation. but anyway, I went outside for one more rendezvous with him, and he climbed over the fence so it was much easier for him to grab me and make out again.

now, I'm nothing if not experienced as a lover and kisser, so I know he had to be sufficiently impressed. but I had to end the evening. it was Time. I can't two-time these guys. I like eric too much, and I've already seen way too much of my neighbor for comfort.

I seriously, seriously still can't fuckin believe what happened. I can't believe chris likes me. I'm going to have to get over it and forgive myself for the indiscretions. eric and I may be going forward exceedingly well, and we're likely going to have a future together. I can't tell him. I can't. it would probably ruin us.

so today I'm a little sore, fairly embarrassed, somewhat impressed with myself for standing my ground (cough cough, AFTER the fact), and totally inundated with flashbacks of chris's body. le sigh. oh, and my face is totally chapped from making out with two scruffy men.

how do I feel about all this? hmmm let's see. I'm still surprised that chris admitted his feelings for me (whatever they are and if they're for real). he even said that he was totally bummed that things were going well with my 'date' (aka eric) because he wanted to get involved with me. I'm mad that I fed into my hormones so heavily. it's like eric got me all primed and ready, then sent me into the proverbial firepit with chris. I want things to work out with eric, so no more chris. check. and keep hormones in check. check. and sleep. check.

I am allowing myself to forgive me for doing something stupid. I can't change the past, but I can certainly be better in the future. I allow myself to enjoy eric and other pleasurable things in my life, despite the silly mistakes I made. it's going to be ok. all is well in my world.

I am so 'in like.'

so, I've met someone. to say he's great would be an understatement. I can't help it: I'm smitten. his name is eric, and he's a high school english teacher (a word guy!!!). midway through our first date, he told me he's also in a band. !!! that like upped his sexiness factor by at least 30%. he's tall (about 6'2") and shaves his head bald (which I love) and almost every time I think about him I smile.

god, this is scary. but so far it's good.

you know, I figured it'd be harder than this to transition into being in a different relationship, but it's been much easier than I thought. I mean, minus the year or more I've tortured myself with steven. I have to forgive myself for being so naiive, so tolerant of the bad things. I don't know eric very well, but is he who I've been looking for or hoping for all this time? I don't know.

but he's great.

I really don't want to speak too soon, but I can see a future with this guy. speaking of soon, is it really too soon to say I miss being around him? I can't wait for the next time we get to hang out. is this what everyone has told me to hold out for?

is this a gift from my dad? is it??!

because he's such a gift. this has pulled me up out of a funk I never imagined was so deep. we met almost two weeks ago at a bar, for god's sake. brittany and I had gotten drunk at the cards game, then went to a bar and made friends with just about anyone we could talk to, then sang our hearts out in karaoke. there was this guy there who I thought was cute - he was wearing a bowler hat. anyway, britt and I rocked out and ended up singing bohemian rhapsody, which was the last song of the night. I vaguely remember talking to hat guy (i.e. eric), and he handed me his phone number. ha! I was so caught off guard I just stood there for a minute like an idiot.

there I was, drunk as a skunk, and I happened to meet some random guy AT A BAR while I was wearing something really impressive (uuuh, that's a lie - I was wearing a black tank and camo shorts with chewed-up flip flops). what's really a mind fuck is that I actually called him. I NEVER call guys!! I'd like to time travel back to that night to figure out what the HELL I was thinking.

to continue the story, mr bowler hat called me the next day. I was so chicken shit that I texted him rather than called him back. to tell the truth (and for the record, I admitted this to him), I was completely embarrassed of my behavior that fateful fri night. I couldn't even remember what he looked like. I wasn't even sure what his name was till he said it in the voicemail he left me. after talking to britt, she said he was eyeing me that night....

ok, here's where I'm confused. I'm telling you, there was nothing spectacular about me that night except for my amazing capacity to keep drinking past the point of no return. I was wasted, I didn't look adorable as far as I was concerned (my hair was even pulled into a ponytail), and I don't really remember any noteworthy conversations we had. so why.......? I had the gall to ask him on our first date. wtf did you call me??

I just think it was ballsy.

so he's nothing like I usually date, though he is tall and good-looking. he's emotional, smart, he likes art (we're going to the art museum tomorrow), he's educated, he gives a shit about things that go beyond him....wow I really like him.

can I say it?? can I????!!!!!!!

I can't. not yet.

but ps he's a really good kisser. and I can't stop thinking about getting him in bed. what is wrong with me?!!

oh, to just continue the list of Good, he's also really close to his family, especially his older sister, and he's mildly obsessed with his 1 y.o. niece. awesome.

I really can't wait to see how this turns out.

over-squeezed lemons.

I've been really sad lately. losing my dad has been much harder that I thought it would be. maybe it's because I still feel guilty about not calling him back for two months. it might be because I see the haunting images of him wasting away to almost nothing. maybe it's because he was too young, or because he didn't get to be a grandpa for longer than a week, or because he only got to see one of us walk down the aisle.

maybe I just miss him.

death is so final. he's so gone. we won't ever hear him say those funny little jokes or make weird noises. he won't be able to fix my car or give me advice on how to make the engine run more cleanly. he's not there for my little brother to go to when tony fucks up. he's. just. gone.

I can't decide if I'm supposed to stay this sad. I completely fell apart again the other day, a little over a month after my dad passed. I just keep thinking about how brutally unfair it is to lose someone wonderful when there are so many ugly people in the world who don't give a shit about living and breathing and being alive. ugh it's frustrating.

right now things aren't particularly right in my world. I'm trying hard to find things to look forward to, things that will make me happy. is this just a difficult year? or do I just attract negative happenings upon myself? I guess either way I can decide how to best deal with it - be happy, or sad. be miserable, or accepting. be open, or be closed to the potential of good.

I'm trying to document this time in my life because I think it's necessary to know later when it was bad, really bad. I'm not sleeping much lately, and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm shanking on a lot of responsibilities. I cry at weird times. I'm terrified of men. I'm stressed easily.

so I'm going to try and read this book called 'heal your life.' I mean, there's always room for improvement, and I'm certainly not in the healthy lifestyle bracket right now. I need to fix some shit.

so steven has somehow slipped back into my life. who knew....

I dont know what to do concerning him. I'm pretty sure I know that we won't ever get back together, and I'm pretty sure I know that because my heart is telling me it's a bad idea - not just my head.

I dont understand him. he says all these weird things that cross the line, then when I push any of the issues, he's like "whoa there! that's not in the rules!!" bullshit. dont pull that with me.

my dog nearly died today. I'm hoping he's still alive when I get home. I want to cry thinking about him being dead. it would be AWFUL.

dad is still in the hospital. he's really far gone. his doc said he'd be happy if my dad got 80% of his liver to work again. I don't really know what that means, but I do know that prognosis is less than ideal.