I've been dying to talk about this, understand it, and figure all this shit out. I feel like I've been getting these huge messages, screaming, blaring messages, but they're in a language I don't understand. what am I supposed to be listening to??
one day, I was thinking about Steven as I often do. I was in my car and I was sad about us - again, as usual, whatever. and I looked up and there, on the fucking overpass, was a piss-poor grafitti job that said, "LOVE EXISTS." where? I missed the memo. and why do I see that as I'm thinking about steven?
I keep seeing snakes everywhere. it could very well be that they happen to be in an abundance in my area lately because of all the construction. it might be that I'm hypersensitive to them, so I pay more attention and therefore see snakes. but the other theory I have is that something is warning me...what? what are they warning me about? what danger should I evade?
beyond snakes and anonymous grafitti, I hear songs all the time that speak to me directly. I smell familiar cologne. I dream and wake up not remembering the scenes, but knowing steven was in them because of the longing sensation I feel in my chest.
he showed up literally on my doorstep the other night. I was so surprised that the only thing that came to my mouth was "what the hell are you doing here??!" it wasn't exactly the warm welcome he was looking for, but what he didn't know is that I am almost always irrevocably, unexplainedly happy to see him. I have practiced long and hard not to show just how I feel when I see him - that's how hard it hits me. I could be so horribly mad at him (which, incidentally, I've been for six months now), but the moment I lay eyes on him or he touches me, I feel it. I feel it. what does that mean?
love, above all, is a choice. or is it? this is something I've lived by for years. I thought I had all the wisdom in the world just by knowing that 'fact.' ha! then I fell (HARD) in love with the worst possible boyfriend that ever existed!
now love is a feeling. it's an emotion. a noun. a verb. it's a blister, burn, insomniac; an aphrodisiac, music, poetry, inspiration. love gets me out of bed. love makes me hide under the covers. love is power. love. is. crippling.
love. it's a fucking word.
I've been thinking about him a lot less lately. even when I saw him, I felt the physical draw and the smile that I'm constantly hiding from him when I see him, but it was less than usual. what doesn't make sense is what I'm supposed to do. do I continue this stevenectomy? it's not working. I can't even date people but I can't fully figure out why. I mean, of course I probably compare all these guys to steven, but it's more than that. what I keep trying to explain to myself and to the few people I talk to about this is that I've spent the last six months trying to get over him, and I haven't managed to make much progress. I think that's weird.
it makes me question whether being with him again is a real possibility I need to consider. if it is, then I've got to be real with myself about it. I've got to know why I currently refuse to be with him and decide if it's worth the work and effort. I have to know if I can trust him again or ever. I need to be able to believe him when he says this is it. really?? has he looked for a ring? has he continued sleeping around?
this blows. I'm considering swearing off relationships for now. they scare me. I'm exhausted by them. since the steven fiascos, I haven't even had the desire to fuck around with anyone. that's how debilitating this has been for me and my ego. who will ever want me again?
ugh. all I wanted to do was write. now I'm tired of myself.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
I feel like I've come to another 'final' decision. I don't want to be with Steven any longer. I don't think I even want to try. not that I'm proud or ok with the fact that I'm backing down from a challenge, but it's too fucking hard.
that kid made mistakes that I can't even bring myself to write down. I would've said in the past that our relationship was worth fighting for, but it's mere scraps now. I can't ever see him settling with me and actually staying true to his word. I can't trust him at all.
I don't know what changed - at least, what's changed besides the entire dynamic of what I used to call our relationship. he is not who I see myself being with in my future. in fact, I don't know who or what kind of a man I do see. I hate the thought of being alone forever, but what kind of a life is it to live when the person I love(d?) most has major issues with trust?
I asked him last week if he trusts himself. I don't think he does, but I get the brunt of that insecurity. the phrase "it never meant anything to me..." should be banished from the english language. you know why? because it always matters to me, to of us women or all of us who trust and love freely and then get absolutely fucking shit on.
the truth is, I don't know that I'll ever trust again. what is the point? I know it's a silly, broad statement, but I am so tired of getting hurt by the most important people in my life. I suppose it comes with the territory of living, learning, loving, breathing...
I need a cigarette.
it's really sad...I used to get all worked up about steven, but lately I barely feel anything except a slim shred of "safe." does that make sense? he's safe because he's seen me naked and still wants to sleep with me, he knows a lot of my flaws, he laughs with me and we still manage to have a good time together, he knows my history....god, how exhausting to go through all of that again with someone else? it certainly wasn't a cake walk with him, but at least we had the advantage of seeing each other all the time. it's not very typical or normal, I'm aware, but we got to know and love each other really quickly. ha! surprise surprise I love someone...quickly.
I think about whether or not we could've made this work, despite his indiscretions. would it have been possible? I don't know anymore. I can't even bring myself to think about bringing him around my family or seeing his lovely mother again. jesus, that'll be the fucking day. I don't think I have the strength or patience to deal with her again anytime soon.
I know my family and friends are saying things behind my back about the fact that I'm not particularly open about anything concerning steven, but why should I drag someone else through the punishment that is my relationship with him? oh there you go...if I was wondering if this was the time to get out of this thing, then here's my sign: punishment. I will do what I please with my life, including hang out with chris, tell the perfect lawyer no if he makes a move, and also say yes to trying to make thing work with steven. I know I sell myself short. I know I don't think I'm worth dating the lawyer...but if someone isn't rough around the edges, how the hell would they love me?
there's no way. I don't have what it takes to pretend or perform for someone. I suppose alone will have to do then. at least with steven he and I both proved ourselves to be headcases. that was so comforting...but I bet you he'll go down the same path as my dad.
that's the thing. I talk a lot about steven on here, and I talk a lot about my dad. and my relationship with my dad and my dad's relationship with reality have a lot of bearing on how I see myself and what I end up with for a boyfriend. granted, I've dated a whopping ONE person (truly, not those one-timer dates) for five fucking years, but still...the two major people I've loved I've also lost because they dumped me. they dumped me!! I'm not about to get all high and mighty and declare that I'm hot shit and they don't know what they're missing, but how else would I see this play out: I'm not good enough for them, so why would I be good enough for someone who's perfect?
perhaps I need to foster my own personal relationship before I can begrudge the male world for not loving me the way I want to be loved. in the meantime, however, I'll just throw myself into this world of singledom as a disinterested onlooker. there is no reason for me to explore if I can't convince myself I'm good enough to be loved again (or at all). I'll pretend that love never existed...the shards of steven and me are still stuck in my gut. I'm still bleeding that wound. if I venture out there now, god help me with what or who I'd take home.
on that note (I needed to end this writing hell of a post five paragraphs ago), I also want to say that steven is a complete fucking bastard. I am disugsted with him in every possible fucking way. I have given my whole heart, body and soul to him and he destroyed a part of me. I used to be able to flirt without reservations, crack jokes and make people laugh, swing my hair around and think "they may not think I'm pretty, but I'm going home with someone who does..." and he has obliterated that confidence in me. I hate him for that. I hate him for a lot of things, but most of all for making me feel unworthy of his own fucked-up love, let alone anyone else's. I hate him even more, too, for putting me in a position to see my future as bleak - almost nothing - and that is whether he's not beside me....or if he is.
I hate him so much right now I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him. I haven't said I love you in well over a month.
and with that, I'll end this horrible post.
that kid made mistakes that I can't even bring myself to write down. I would've said in the past that our relationship was worth fighting for, but it's mere scraps now. I can't ever see him settling with me and actually staying true to his word. I can't trust him at all.
I don't know what changed - at least, what's changed besides the entire dynamic of what I used to call our relationship. he is not who I see myself being with in my future. in fact, I don't know who or what kind of a man I do see. I hate the thought of being alone forever, but what kind of a life is it to live when the person I love(d?) most has major issues with trust?
I asked him last week if he trusts himself. I don't think he does, but I get the brunt of that insecurity. the phrase "it never meant anything to me..." should be banished from the english language. you know why? because it always matters to me, to of us women or all of us who trust and love freely and then get absolutely fucking shit on.
the truth is, I don't know that I'll ever trust again. what is the point? I know it's a silly, broad statement, but I am so tired of getting hurt by the most important people in my life. I suppose it comes with the territory of living, learning, loving, breathing...
I need a cigarette.
it's really sad...I used to get all worked up about steven, but lately I barely feel anything except a slim shred of "safe." does that make sense? he's safe because he's seen me naked and still wants to sleep with me, he knows a lot of my flaws, he laughs with me and we still manage to have a good time together, he knows my history....god, how exhausting to go through all of that again with someone else? it certainly wasn't a cake walk with him, but at least we had the advantage of seeing each other all the time. it's not very typical or normal, I'm aware, but we got to know and love each other really quickly. ha! surprise surprise I love someone...quickly.
I think about whether or not we could've made this work, despite his indiscretions. would it have been possible? I don't know anymore. I can't even bring myself to think about bringing him around my family or seeing his lovely mother again. jesus, that'll be the fucking day. I don't think I have the strength or patience to deal with her again anytime soon.
I know my family and friends are saying things behind my back about the fact that I'm not particularly open about anything concerning steven, but why should I drag someone else through the punishment that is my relationship with him? oh there you go...if I was wondering if this was the time to get out of this thing, then here's my sign: punishment. I will do what I please with my life, including hang out with chris, tell the perfect lawyer no if he makes a move, and also say yes to trying to make thing work with steven. I know I sell myself short. I know I don't think I'm worth dating the lawyer...but if someone isn't rough around the edges, how the hell would they love me?
there's no way. I don't have what it takes to pretend or perform for someone. I suppose alone will have to do then. at least with steven he and I both proved ourselves to be headcases. that was so comforting...but I bet you he'll go down the same path as my dad.
that's the thing. I talk a lot about steven on here, and I talk a lot about my dad. and my relationship with my dad and my dad's relationship with reality have a lot of bearing on how I see myself and what I end up with for a boyfriend. granted, I've dated a whopping ONE person (truly, not those one-timer dates) for five fucking years, but still...the two major people I've loved I've also lost because they dumped me. they dumped me!! I'm not about to get all high and mighty and declare that I'm hot shit and they don't know what they're missing, but how else would I see this play out: I'm not good enough for them, so why would I be good enough for someone who's perfect?
perhaps I need to foster my own personal relationship before I can begrudge the male world for not loving me the way I want to be loved. in the meantime, however, I'll just throw myself into this world of singledom as a disinterested onlooker. there is no reason for me to explore if I can't convince myself I'm good enough to be loved again (or at all). I'll pretend that love never existed...the shards of steven and me are still stuck in my gut. I'm still bleeding that wound. if I venture out there now, god help me with what or who I'd take home.
on that note (I needed to end this writing hell of a post five paragraphs ago), I also want to say that steven is a complete fucking bastard. I am disugsted with him in every possible fucking way. I have given my whole heart, body and soul to him and he destroyed a part of me. I used to be able to flirt without reservations, crack jokes and make people laugh, swing my hair around and think "they may not think I'm pretty, but I'm going home with someone who does..." and he has obliterated that confidence in me. I hate him for that. I hate him for a lot of things, but most of all for making me feel unworthy of his own fucked-up love, let alone anyone else's. I hate him even more, too, for putting me in a position to see my future as bleak - almost nothing - and that is whether he's not beside me....or if he is.
I hate him so much right now I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him. I haven't said I love you in well over a month.
and with that, I'll end this horrible post.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I was just dropped from my fall classes last week because I didn't pay for them in time. it's no one else's fault but my own, but I can't help feeling a little remorseful towards everyone else in my life. I'm furious with myself for not taking care of my business, and I'm annoyed with everyone else because I feel like no one gives a shit about anything that might be happening with me. I say this with tongue in cheek because I can hear my grandfather's voice as he reminds me that "you are the most egocentric and selfish person in your life." it's certainly true. no one else will care about me as much as I will till the moment I take my last breath, so there is no reason I should hold anyone to the standard of knowing or caring about my life as much as I do.
that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.
while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.
the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.
I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.
I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.
I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.
maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.
that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.
while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.
the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.
I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.
I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.
I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.
maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
wow, I haven't been here in a while. I went to camp last week and I guess I've actually been busy lately.
as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.
that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.
now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.
that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?
grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.
oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.
I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.
as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.
that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.
now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.
that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?
grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.
oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.
I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.
Friday, July 18, 2008
this is much more like a confessional than a 'writing wonderland.' speaking of wonder...I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to write a book. I sure as shit hope so.
in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."
I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.
is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?
I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.
I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??
in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."
I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.
is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?
I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.
I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I don't know how it's already managed to be a slow day. it's 830am, and I feel like I have nothing to do. I told the office yesterday that I will be leaving this position, so any move I make now feels awkward - why continue to set up recruiting if I'm not going to be going on these trips? why should I continue to care? it's the worst attitude to have, I know, but more often than not I can't help it.
steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.
I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.
it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?
I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing
I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.
this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.
he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.
in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?
steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.
I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.
it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?
I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing
I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.
this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.
he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.
in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
let's get this all out on the table, shall we?? I mean, since I've been such a slut and all, completely unloyal throughout the last 4+ years. I'd like to go through my list:
freshman year
-I dated duane and broke up w/ him while steven was in the car w/ me
-I slept with mark, the navy guy - steven and I hadn't even kissed yet, and he was still w/ nikki
-steven cheated on me with nikki a 'handful' of times, so he claims
sophomore year
-mitch - oh wait, I never even kissed him. meanwhile, steven was 'dating' another girl without my knowledge
-he had gone to como and (I'm pretty sure, tho not positive) met up with nikki again
-I spent all night long w/ chris after kelly's wedding, but (and he tried...a lot) I never even kissed him. the only thing I did do was change my clothes in front of him, but he never saw me naked
junior year
-I slept (yes, slept) with my friend BJ, but nothing happened, not even a kiss
-I slept in ryan's bed a few times, but again, we didn't even touch
senior year
-I almost slept with reggie. he tried really really hard to get in my pants but I refused and made him leave. steven doesn't know it was reg, but he does know something happened. we were not together at that time
-steven apparently kissed lisa - yes, while we were together
-he also slept in the bed next to some drunk bitch. I was down the hall in my own fucking room
-true to form, I slept in a bed next to john, a friend of mine from college - but nothing happened with him either
post-grad
-I went on a date with kevin. we had some heavy makeout sessions, and he did see my chest, but I refused to let anything else happen. steven and I were not together
-I slept (again, slept) in bed with my friend kenny right after steven and I had broken up
-I kissed chris recently (he's still with jessica)
-I went out a date with shaun and we made out. he was a terrible kisser, btw. money can't buy that kind of talent.
-apparently steven also dated some girl. that's all I know.
that's all I can remember thus far. I haven't so much as touched another guy's manhood in over four years. he might enlighten me on any other conquests he's had in the last few years. this will be such a fun conversation.
freshman year
-I dated duane and broke up w/ him while steven was in the car w/ me
-I slept with mark, the navy guy - steven and I hadn't even kissed yet, and he was still w/ nikki
-steven cheated on me with nikki a 'handful' of times, so he claims
sophomore year
-mitch - oh wait, I never even kissed him. meanwhile, steven was 'dating' another girl without my knowledge
-he had gone to como and (I'm pretty sure, tho not positive) met up with nikki again
-I spent all night long w/ chris after kelly's wedding, but (and he tried...a lot) I never even kissed him. the only thing I did do was change my clothes in front of him, but he never saw me naked
junior year
-I slept (yes, slept) with my friend BJ, but nothing happened, not even a kiss
-I slept in ryan's bed a few times, but again, we didn't even touch
senior year
-I almost slept with reggie. he tried really really hard to get in my pants but I refused and made him leave. steven doesn't know it was reg, but he does know something happened. we were not together at that time
-steven apparently kissed lisa - yes, while we were together
-he also slept in the bed next to some drunk bitch. I was down the hall in my own fucking room
-true to form, I slept in a bed next to john, a friend of mine from college - but nothing happened with him either
post-grad
-I went on a date with kevin. we had some heavy makeout sessions, and he did see my chest, but I refused to let anything else happen. steven and I were not together
-I slept (again, slept) in bed with my friend kenny right after steven and I had broken up
-I kissed chris recently (he's still with jessica)
-I went out a date with shaun and we made out. he was a terrible kisser, btw. money can't buy that kind of talent.
-apparently steven also dated some girl. that's all I know.
that's all I can remember thus far. I haven't so much as touched another guy's manhood in over four years. he might enlighten me on any other conquests he's had in the last few years. this will be such a fun conversation.
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