I was just dropped from my fall classes last week because I didn't pay for them in time. it's no one else's fault but my own, but I can't help feeling a little remorseful towards everyone else in my life. I'm furious with myself for not taking care of my business, and I'm annoyed with everyone else because I feel like no one gives a shit about anything that might be happening with me. I say this with tongue in cheek because I can hear my grandfather's voice as he reminds me that "you are the most egocentric and selfish person in your life." it's certainly true. no one else will care about me as much as I will till the moment I take my last breath, so there is no reason I should hold anyone to the standard of knowing or caring about my life as much as I do.

that said, I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the dumping grounds for information from my loved ones. my best friend and one of the most tender- and kind-hearted people I know, brittany, is exactly where I was a year ago. I get on the phone with her and within 5 minutes I know 15 things wrong with her and how her life (which is quite charmed, I might add) is so shitty. I went out to lunch with her a few weeks ago, an expense I wasn't anticipating in the first place, and she sat there and talked about her plights and issues and concerns the entire time. I just remember feeling blown over and disoriented when I left because I was overloaded with her life. it was like adding ice to a an overflowing glass of liquid; even though you wouldn't mind the ice in normal circumstances, there is just too much stuff already there.

while we're on the subject of ice and liquid, make it a vodka soda please. lime.

the day I had left lunch with britt I called my ma and told her my woes. it occurred to me that I was telling my mother of 4-7 children all of my problems and how no one cares about me and what I'm going through - but she does this daily! or weekly! she's probably been feeling like that for (how old is kristin?) 29 years!!! that's when the words of my grandfather popped into my head.

I just get lonely while I'm swimming in my glass of vodka soda, no room for ice. I know that sylvia has a hard time dealing with anything besides her own stuff right now, what with the wedding and school and her fiance. I know almost exactly what britt is going through because I've been there before. I also know that males are typically selfish humans anyway, so ryan and steven will probably never understand than not absolutely everything revolves around them.

I was so frustrated yesterday with ryan. I'd had a great weekend hanging out, but I was growing tired of the fact that he was treating me as his gf, and then I was fulfilling the part. then he kept toting me around to do his errands. um, hello? you just bogarted my whole damn weekend, now I want to do my own shit, and you still plan on dragging me everywhere?? granted, I went home and then went directly to sylvia's to work on the wedding, so I still put everything off.

I'm just frustrated with myself and annoyed with everyone else. I'm bitching here because I don't want anyone to share in my moodiness or woes. I'm really trying to just not tell the whole world when things don't go my way, but in effect I've listened my way into a lonely hole. I'm tired of being the dumping grounds for my friends and family. maybe I'm just tired.

maybe I just need to quit bitching. I don't know. I just thought I'd have license here more than anywhere else.

wow, I haven't been here in a while. I went to camp last week and I guess I've actually been busy lately.

as usual, I'm so mad and annoyed at steven. I hate that I bitch and bitch about him. I hate more that he has so many reasons for me to be mad and annoyed at him. I saw him again this past weekend for the first time in quite a while, and he made me all sorts of promises and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, only me, blah blah blah. I guess I've been waiting to hear that kind of thing from him, but it just pissed me off more than anything. I can't believe a fuckin thing from him until I actually see it happen.

that's the thing...I don't know what part, what acutal dynamic, has changed. I don't know if it's the classic story about the girl changing and growing and the guy staying stoic and stubborn, or if something is legitmately wrong with him. I don't honestly think he wants to be the way he's been, but he hasn't done a fuckin thing to make it better. once, during college, he cleaned up his act and started taking care of himself, and it was great! when he started doing one thing, all the other good parts of his life - me, baseball, working out, not smoking - just kind of fell into alignment. even in the last 6-8 months, when he got a 2nd job to help pay bills, he called me more, he made more of an effort to come over and spend time together, and I actually went out in public (gasp!) with him and his friends.

now it's just softball, softball, softball. it's his biggest point of contention (besides his mother), and he still just can't get enough. I don't get it. he literally spends 5 days out of the week playing. I mean, I know part of this has to do with his insecurities: when he's good at something, even if it's a video game, he can't get enough of it. it's a constant reminder that he's good at something - anything! that kid needs some serious therapy.

that's just it: I think he could do for a facelift on his life, some change that will help him exponentially, but he's not willing to do it. he can't let go of what he's got now long enough to move forward. I'll tell you this: he doesn't have a whole hell of a lot goin for him. most of his friends, including his best friend, have moved on with their lives and spend their time with a loved one rather than drinking their lives away at the bar or on the softball field. steven can't even stomach the thought of moving in with me because he doesn't want me to stop him from going out. um, grow the fuck up?

grow the fuck up. grow up! what is so hard about that? and save your money! pay me back, goddammit! I gave him one more chance, and he already fucked it up. I gave him the benefit of hte doubt, even though in my gut I knew he wasn't going to pull it off. I don't even want to move on with anyone else! I don't even want to date. I HATE dating. I HATE the idea of him seeing someone else, which brings up the whole nicole thing.

oh hoho, which nicole, you may ask? this is a new nicole, the one he wasn't up front about with me. oh, they just went on a date. oh yeah, she did go to a few of his games. um, oh yeah...forgot to mention that she slept over!!! this fuckin blows. this is bullshit.

I know we are allowed to love more than one person in our lifetimes, but will he be the One and Only for me? I hate him so much. I love him so much. I was just starting to get my butterflies back.

this is much more like a confessional than a 'writing wonderland.' speaking of wonder...I wonder if I'll ever have the balls to write a book. I sure as shit hope so.

in other news, steven is stopping by this evening to talk. he didn't call me last night, and while I guess I was a little mad or upset or something, I think I'm more emotionally spent than anything. I am so so sooooooo tired of this whole situation that I can't bring myself to feel much. last night I was just tired so I went to bed...I woke up at 4am and checked my phone to see a missed call, voicemail, and 3 texts from steven. I listened to his vm and saved it (I'd likely forget it by the time I woke up later). he sounded so upset. I almost wrote pathetic, but that's not what I mean...he sounded like "oh great, I fucked this up again, and now I'm really fucked."

I want to say I feel sorry for him, but I'm nervous that I'm just going to be hurt all over again. he's hurt me like that every time we break up. I can't bring myself to just let him back into my life without some kind of insurance that this shit won't happen over and over again.

is I Love You going to cut it? no. I know that kid loves me and will till the day he takes his last breath. and you know what? I love him that way too - almost painfully so. my problem is that he won't take care of himself to grow up and grow with me. I really, really don't want to be the woman who "grew up and apart" from her husband or boyfriend. I honestly see so much potential in him that I can't bring myself to give up on him or us...I know this can get better, but when?

I want him to stop making me his dumping grounds and stop abusing me the way he always does. I know that while some of his actions are unacceptable, I can see behind his eyes that it's not me who is the problem; it's him.

I really want to make this work, but more importantly I really want him to get better so he's happier. I want him happy. I want to be happy with him. will that ever be a possibility??

I don't know how it's already managed to be a slow day. it's 830am, and I feel like I have nothing to do. I told the office yesterday that I will be leaving this position, so any move I make now feels awkward - why continue to set up recruiting if I'm not going to be going on these trips? why should I continue to care? it's the worst attitude to have, I know, but more often than not I can't help it.

steven came over saturday night. I was wishing and waiting for him to make the phone call, and he did. he hauled his drunk butt over to my side of the river because he needed a place to stay. as soon as he walked up my sidewalk and stood in front of me, I tucked myself into his arms and held on. god, no matter how painful he's made these last 6 or 8 weeks, I sure as hell felt like I was at home in those arms. it's a moment you can't duplicate in words.

I yelled at him, too. I'm mad that he left me again. I'm so mad that he threw me away and pushed me out of his life. I yelled at him as he bent down and kissed me and I held onto him and tried not to let go.

it's a funny thing - love. I take that back. love is a fucked up thing. how else can you explain steven and me?

I don't like talking about it because it's enough to be aware of my own dysfunction. I don't need anyone else to judge me and tell me it's a bad idea. I may not have been out on the dating scene for more than 10 seconds, but I could see a few things.
1. I could land the successful, good-looking guy
2. I could sleep with almost anyone I really wanted
3. I could fuck around with my favorite ex-boyfriend
4. dating wasn't fun
5. fucking around with my ex was fun but short-lived
6. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is [sometimes] worth it as long as you're willing and especially if you love that person
7. giving someone a second (or millionth) chance is not the same as settling
8. chemistry cannot be fabricated
9. neither can great sex or stellar kissing

I don't plan on jumping into anything with steven. as much as I want to believe he's changed, I'm waiting till I see it in action. I see a change, however, and I trust this a lot more. our relationship was and still is in mortal peril, but that kind of finality I think was so imminent that we both got a taste of it and didn't like it. especially him. I don't know much, but I really believe he saw enough of the end of 'us' that he's not willing to let us go.

this time was so different in so many ways. in past situations (and I'm sorry to say there have been many) we've been so glad to be back together that we don't stop touching, we have a hard time letting go, and we're not ourselves. this time, I could see a change. it seemed as though we were both aware of the work ahead of us, and I think it was apparent that we can't just jump right back in. it's not as easy if you decide you're in for good.

he called last night to tell me he was sorry for jumping down my throat yesterday, but he was not going to be able to talk; his friend drew is falling apart and needed a friend, so steven was there to help. I was happy steven called me to let me know he wasn't going to be available, but I simply informed him that I wasn't too affected by his outburst. I don't have much to hide from him, though he thinks I've cheated on him or messed around a lot more than I have as a single woman.

in the words of miranda, why do our relationships with men seem to dictate the lives we lead?

let's get this all out on the table, shall we?? I mean, since I've been such a slut and all, completely unloyal throughout the last 4+ years. I'd like to go through my list:

freshman year
-I dated duane and broke up w/ him while steven was in the car w/ me
-I slept with mark, the navy guy - steven and I hadn't even kissed yet, and he was still w/ nikki
-steven cheated on me with nikki a 'handful' of times, so he claims

sophomore year
-mitch - oh wait, I never even kissed him. meanwhile, steven was 'dating' another girl without my knowledge
-he had gone to como and (I'm pretty sure, tho not positive) met up with nikki again
-I spent all night long w/ chris after kelly's wedding, but (and he tried...a lot) I never even kissed him. the only thing I did do was change my clothes in front of him, but he never saw me naked

junior year
-I slept (yes, slept) with my friend BJ, but nothing happened, not even a kiss
-I slept in ryan's bed a few times, but again, we didn't even touch

senior year
-I almost slept with reggie. he tried really really hard to get in my pants but I refused and made him leave. steven doesn't know it was reg, but he does know something happened. we were not together at that time
-steven apparently kissed lisa - yes, while we were together
-he also slept in the bed next to some drunk bitch. I was down the hall in my own fucking room
-true to form, I slept in a bed next to john, a friend of mine from college - but nothing happened with him either

post-grad
-I went on a date with kevin. we had some heavy makeout sessions, and he did see my chest, but I refused to let anything else happen. steven and I were not together
-I slept (again, slept) in bed with my friend kenny right after steven and I had broken up
-I kissed chris recently (he's still with jessica)
-I went out a date with shaun and we made out. he was a terrible kisser, btw. money can't buy that kind of talent.
-apparently steven also dated some girl. that's all I know.

that's all I can remember thus far. I haven't so much as touched another guy's manhood in over four years. he might enlighten me on any other conquests he's had in the last few years. this will be such a fun conversation.

cindy is in the process of trying to set me up with a student. great. awkward. I joking refer to this guy as 'dreamboat' but seriously...I don't plan on crossing those lines anytime soon.

I believe ryan is beginning to think more seriously about me and him becoming a 'me and him.' it's not that I'm absolutely opposed to this idea, but I doubt he'd plan to be in anything besides the long haul with me. I don't know man...

I'm tired of being in a relationship, and I'm tired of not being in one. the idea of dating ryan is simply a safe alternative to the possibility of being alone - and being alone is an idea that I'm definitely opposed to. I don't think I'm in a place to settle or move on yet. shit, I still check my phone to see if steven has texted me or called or whatever. he hasn't, if anyone was wondering. he hasn't said anything since I let him know our friend tom is getting married.

so I go from not being in control of our situation - he ended things - to being in control - he all but came crawling back to me - to being totally blindsided again by his lack of response to me. it's been just a little over 24 hours, but that's long enough. I'm involved again, and I'm alone...still? again? I'm taking his number out of my phone. again.

I was just beyond the point of thinking he'd be back in my life. I stopped looking for his car as I turned down my street. I almost didn't even recognize the number when he did finally get in touch with me. apparently singledom hasn't been good for him either, even moreso than for me.

annnnnnnnd we sit in the office and talk about sex. poor kerry hasn't had any experience in that department, not even on the smallest level possible. I've had way too much. I legitimately miss having sex. how do people go so long without it? I don't understand.

steven brought up sex the other night, and I told him to stop talking about it because I already have a hard time not getting any. I don't need to talk it over with the one person who was the best lay I've ever had. this single and tainted thing is practically painful. it should be illegal to be a virgin or to be a involuntarily-born-again virgin.

shaun sent me a message yesterday asking if I would go riding in his convertible during lunch. no thanks, I'm not interested...in him. carrie bradshaw put it best when she said "good in paper means bad in bed." I never slept with shaun (in fact, I told him almost at the very beginning of the date that I wouldn't), but the thought of his mouth getting near mine makes me a little more than nauseous. bad sign. no chemistry. if you're wondering whether you can formulate some modicrum of chemistry, I'll be the first one to tell you it's not fucking possible.

and of course there's always chris. chris is safe, too, but not in the way that ryan is safe. chris has been a constant in my life for close to ten years. ten fucking years! who does that? ten years later, and kissing him still shoots electricity to my toes. I hardly know anyone who feels that way about another.

I am a person who generally thinks that love is a choice. this is probably a result of my alcoholic parent causing my non-alcoholic parent to go to program, which in turn has enabled us to grow up with program/alcoholic (depending on the day) parenting. but anyway, love is a choice. or was a choice. did you ever just love someone immediately? I loved jordan, kelly's daughter, since hte first moment I saw her. it was instant, and I felt a little pull in my empty heart (at the time) for that 6-lb baby. I still have this terrible soft spot for the little brat, and I can tell you that while I love ahslynn, I love jordan like an aunt loves her nieces/nephews plus some.

but love isn't always a choice I think. I love steven though I've also hated his fucking guts for the last 6 or 8 weeks. I've hated that I love him. I remember when I kissed kevin, I literally could only think about steven. I didn't want to admit it, but I tried to pretend that kevin was steven because I couldn't stand kissing anyone else. with shaun, it was a little different. there is and was no danger there. as soon as I opened the door to my apartment, I knew he was not It. when I kissed him, it was because I was 'supposed' to...or something. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he has a closet case of horny little bastardness. he was really sweet and fun on one hand, but there has to be some substance behind the fact that I cringe every time I think about him.

I am SO wimping out of calling him and letting him know I'm no longer interested. what a fucking pussy. I thought I was tougher than that. my kryptonite seems to be bad kissing.



other weakening agents? good kissing and great fucking. those get me every time (thanks steven and chris).

to see you when I wake up,
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same
as I do, is a three-fold utopian dream
you do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line
if I say

I miss you.

I see your picture I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know
that I care

and I miss you.