ok this is getting ridiculous. I literally haven't done anything for almost 2 hours. felicia was being particularly bitchy today, and I know she spoke to one of my students without doing me the courtesy of updating me.

tonight the sisters and I are going to an art show - at least, that's the plan. who knows what kristin will do. I need some coffee and a reason to feel pretty...in other words, I'm game for going out. I only cheated on the drinking thing once this week, and it was the day after my meltdown that I had a glass of wine. does it count?

I wish I could draw some pretty pics or something, but there is a level of transparency here that allows me to only fuck around 30% of the time.

and yet, I haven't done anything in 2 hours. le sigh.

kerry and cindy are trying to convince me to hook up with kerry's intern mike. he's cute, and apparently (according to one of our students) he's newly single. you know, I'm not all that interested to be in a relationship with someone who is as marginally vulnerable as I am. I don't know what I would do if I encountered steven right now; maybe in a month or two I'll know, and then I'll be ready...right?

fuck, am I setting myself up for being the weird, single chick? fuck that. I like sex too much.

I need to tell them soon that I'm leaving. the exec secretary asked me if I was the one going to a specific convention in august, and I said that I am - well, that I'm supposed to. however, it's the weekend before my birthday and the beginning of the semester for me. oops. I should probably get on that...

kevin imed me today while on fb. that was awkward. he also called and left a message for me last night. I hate that I am such a shadeball, but I don't know why he would want me to call him or remain friends with him. the night he was over at my apt was a complete fucking disaster. I cringe every time I think about it. and then...he calls me? I don't get it. I don't know why he wouldn't hate me. I would hate me.

this is me trying to work myself into a state of mind where I can start writing my book. this book, I tell ya, is going to make me millions!!!! well, that's what I dream about anyway. I really can't wait for it to happen. I need to get started. I have so many ideas!!! I want it to be fabulous, I want it to reach my audience, and eventually I want to be one of those fantastic writers who people equate with words like 'timeless' and 'classic' and 'intuitive.' I wouldn't even mind being a writer who people simply talk about. I'll buy that.

speaking of dreams...I dreamt last night that steven realized his terrible mistake and wanted me back. the thing is (and this is how I know I'm not ready for anything yet) I was undecided on how to respond to him. 'no' wasn't the 100% answer, but neither was 'yes.' I think I was more concerned with the fact that he knew he fucked up.

ok, now I can sufficiently pack up and go home in a few minutes.

well this is fun. it's friday, and I don't have anything to do. not really. it's a catch 22 to be moving on...I don't feel like starting new projects or finishing new ones because I won't be here. I end up instead being bored and getting pissed that it's almost july and I don't have a tan. I don't have a tan! there is a perfectly good sun up and out right now, and I'm sitting here with no way of partaking in its fabulous skin-browning qualities.

ok ok I'm reaching here. I just hate this place. I get almost the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about traveling as I do when I think about steven.

oooooooh steven. what a selfish prick. that doesn't even make me feel any better. why should it? I dated the selfish prick for 4 1/2 years. I'm not the winner here for being duped (literally and metaphorically) for so long. I said this to brittany the other day: what is it about me that is so damn expendable? why is it that I can't possibly bring happiness into someone's life, enough so that we're both happy? I realize we're not supposed to have all the answers to these stupid questions, but dammit! I don't understand how it's so simple for some people and so difficult for me.

simple scenario: guy meets girl, girl and guy like each other, they date. girl and guy love each other, they get serious. they make a life-altering decision together and decide to get hitched because, well, that's what you do when you love someone: you want to be with that person presumably forever, right?

well in TheaLand, that's WRONG.

TheaLand scenario: we meet. we like each other kinda. we start getting physical, but not all the way. then I fall in love. then we get physical. then I realize I'm an idiot. then he realizes he loves me. then I play pawn to his emotions HE skips out on me when he finds another person he'd MUCH rather commit to. or something.

am I not the marrying type? guess not.

technically there cannot be an established pattern until there are three things that happen similarly, like three husbands of the same woman die mysteriously (funny I use that comparison...). so right now I'm at the 'coincidental' stage: the two people I loved more than anyone else in the whole damn world both dumped me. DUMPED me. reason? they couldn't commit - not to people, not to the idea of marriage or just a bonafide relationship - but they couldn't commit to ME.

this is bullshit.

the part of this whole steven thing that devastates me is not that the end was so shitty (though it SO was). the part that bothers me is that there was so much GOOD, too. we had so many GOOD times. the sex was so GOOD, he could be so GOOD to me, he was so GOOD to be around. do all good things really have to come to an end?

brittany and I have talked before about how she and I are in a perpetual state of waiting: we're waiting for things to bottom out, get bad, show its true colors. it's not that we're pessimists or totally cynical (though I've been known to be both); it's that things have always bottomed out. always.

I'm terrified of the next portion of my life I'm entering into, but I can't stop asking that very question: what next? what the fuck am I supposed to do now? do you know how much weight we place on familiarity? I spent over four years with that fucker, all through college and through some of the craziest things with that kid, and now he's gone. gone! he has no desire to be with me any more. at all. that's it - he decided he's through with me.

overwhelmingly, more than anything else, I am so furious. I'm more pissed at myself than I am at him because I let it go, I let all this shit go, I said I was through and he convinced me to stay. he told me he loved me and said that I was his girl forever. then he fucking dropped me. the reason I feel like shit? because I let myself be treated like shit.

so I ask again: what the fuck do I do now.

I'm getting myself into some serious shit. chris came over last night and we hung out. I always do this - fall in love with him again. or maybe it's the idea of him? or maybe I just miss touch. and the banter. and he's comforting and maddening all at the same time. I need maleness. he fits the criteria.
nothing really happened. I wasn't going to sleep with him that's for sure, but it my goal and mission to kiss him again. I was wondering if his touch still has that searing, burning heat with me anymore. I don't even know why he has or had that effect on me. he's cute, and sweet, and wow the chemistry, but he's chris. he won't ever change. or will he? shit, you see? that's the false hope I always get when I start falling in love with him again. it's so, so easy.
I almost fell asleep in the crook of his arm last night, and I only woke up because he started kissing my neck and collar bone very softly. at that point, I couldn't bring myself to play homewrecker (again). he can make his own decisions, but I had already done enough damage between him and jessica. I know how to work chris, and I worked him up really good. I just stopped short of crossing The Line.
I honestly wanted to see if kissing him was the same anymore. I had lost interest in him on and off for the last 5 years, but I haven't kissed him since I was 18 and madly in love with him - and he didn't want a relationship until jessica came along 10 seconds later.
we talked about that. he didn't remember or understand why he dropped me and started dating jess. I told him I was still a little pissed about it. but it made me wonder if there is this unmistakable chemistry and attachment and affection between the two of us, why wouldn't we make it work? it's almost as if our relationship exists as an unattainable force - it only exists because it doesn't exist. that's why we always come back to each other and always stop short of The Line.
I still thought about steven last night as I nearly fell asleep with chris. I still thought of him as I just barely escaped the abyss of chris's mouth. I looked into chris's eyes and saw chris, but I looked into my heart and I still see steven. this isn't going to be easy.

it's the end of the day, and I don't have much to do. I'm just going to sit and blog. they might fire me, but I dont have much to lose. I sent It in this morning, and I have another portion of It reaching the office by tomorrow or the next day. I'm excited. I told myself if steven ever ended things with me (which he did), I would simply quit my job and join the peace corps, military or just plain move away. he's too close here. it's driving me nuts. I need to delete him from my friends list so I stop internet stalking him, but I probably would look him up anyway. what I don't understand (tres usual) is WHY. what part of me is so undesirable that he can't be with me - fully, truly, deeply. and now WHEN am I supposed to move on?? my skin crawls every time I think about having sex with another guy. I slept with a guy this past weekend (just slept), but I woke up the next day horribly, irreversibly guilty. nothing happened. I wouldn't even kiss him, but I had my ass rested up against his cock and the only thing I could think of was steven. charming, yeah? kevin messaged me the other day...it's as if he has this radar for the times when steven and I aren't doing so well. he wants to hang out again. it about killed me to politely tell him to call me when he got to town so we could hang out. I don't have any desire to be near him. he's riddled with addiction, mostly an alcoholic. my dad was impossible to spend time with on his birthday - why should I repeat that disaster with kevin?? ugh. I don't even know if I'm pregnant or getting ready to bleed. either way, I haven't been sleeping, my appetite has been really weird, and I've 'drank my dinner' more than once in the last few weeks. I really, really don't want to spiral down that path. I'd rather off myself. my dad has been trying for years. I just don't get it: why does steven think that his problems are so much bigger and more important than anyone else's?? I thought adversity toughens people up, not make them self-pitying bastards. I'm no hercules, but for fuck's sake! my life is no worse than the next person. speaking of bad situations, k is pregnant. this is very unexpected, and she's married. it's concerning because she didn't plan this one, and she doesn't have the money to accommodate another child. I feel really awful for her, but I'm happy at the same time. I'm almost positive it's going to be a boy. GOD I keep going back to this, but WHY dammit! I need some closure. closure would be good. I don't want to see him...seeing him would put me in a very vulnerable situation. my legs would give out, my stomach would flip flop, and I might even start to cry. I fuckin hate crying in front of him. I generally don't. you know, he has pushed and pushed and pushed, and I am finally out of his life. what now? what the FUCK now??? I guess no matter how I feel or felt, it was never really meant to be. fuck him. fuck this. I can't believe he finally succeeded in deleting me from his life. how does he do it? I want to know. I'll even take notes for fuck's sake. I'm so mad. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad. I miss his touch and his face and his jokes and his stories and his stupid car and his stupid town and his stupid smile and everything. I can't afford to forget a part of my life again, but I don't want to remember how much I miss him.

4:22pm another day, another 8 minutes to tick by while I wait for the day to be over. I am so ready to be outta here. I was just on the phone with a guy who is interested in one of our programs and he stressed me out so much. he was asking 9203842093 questions, most of which I couldn't answer. people are like that, man, asking questions that the other person cannot possibly answer...then feeling powerful and intelligent because I don't know how to answer. siiiiiiiiigh it is a friday conversation, one that makes me more tired than I already am. I'm going to sylvia's surprise bridal shower tonight, then who knows? maybe out? I dont know. I'm just ready to head out. it's too pretty outside and there's too much going on for me to not be stir crazy. at least f didn't finish out the day in the office...that makes my day better. I'm getting outta here before L starts talking about another one of her ailments.

I'm having a really hard time focusing today at work. we have our tri party this evening, and I'm looking forward to it, but I'm in a lull lately at work so I have nothing to do between now and then. we're supposed to be working on recruiting dates for the fall, but I haven't been able to do very well in this arena for two reasons:
1. I hate traveling and recruiting so I have little motivation to work diligently on that schedule.
2. I hope to not be here in the fall so I have even less motivation to do the work.
I do try sometimes to find more opportunities to travel, but I'm serious when I say that I cannot force myself to work. it's like my entire psyche rebels against doing the work. I thought I was a fairly ambitious person, but my body insists otherwise. I'm trying to be less lazy so that I lose weight, get more things done in my life, and get over these 'funks' a little more easily. buuuuuuuuuuut then I get home after a long day at work, I take off my shoes and work attire, and all I want to do is lay down and decompress.
butthead hasn't called or texted me since the late afternoon yesterday. I'm letting it go...letting it go...I really don't want to attract negative energy becaue I can't really afford it. instead I sit at my desk at work and blog.
I have at least two - if not three - book ideas on the table right now and I can't wait to get started on them. I'm working on one with brittany and another with kristin, then of course I'll be motivated to write my novel. oh that novel. I wish I could figure out what I'm even going to write. I should continuously write down brainstorms and plots. there is no reason not to start, even without a real direction or idea. I've had plenty of ideas and I always think of really great portions and parts of a book, like how to start and end chapters. I haven't quite been able to figure out how to begin the entire book, but I've got the ends of chapters down pat. now if I could only manage to figure out the shit that's in-between....
I should probably get back to...whatever it is I can do to make myself look busy. when do I start this whole nursing thing?? is my life in a constant state of transition??? fuck! as soon as I relax and start to get used to something, I actually end up hating it and starting something else!! well my life will never be boring. blech.
ok, before I forget, this is a totally unrelated topic. BUT I can't tell sylvia this and I have to bitch about it. because that's what I do. anyway, I keep fucking digressing. my aunt v is wonderful, one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, but her 2 children are monsters. they suck her dry. she came in the other day to my g-ma's when my mom, gma and I were all working on the shower invitations and was pissed about having to rent a tux for jason for the wedding. she was asking because she was pissed about paying for kimmi's dress, shoes, her plane ticket, and now jason's tux. she wants him to just wear one of his suits (like a black suit). needless to say, it's not gonna work. sly wants no black in her wedding. all the men are wearing brown tuxes for god's sake! not to be picky, but black just wouldn't work at all.
I SO want to talk to sly about it. I want to suggest that she switch the birdesmen for the usheresses, then eliminate the need for jason to be an usher. it's too much to ask. the tux isn't that expensive, and kimmi's dress was SUPER cheap ; $40!! her shoes were only $25! I just don't have any sympathy. I have paid too much money already for weddings to have sympathy. if she has a problem with it all, then she should make her damn spoiled kids pay for that shit themselves OR tell sly it ain't gonna happen. that's all I have to say.
I'm so annoyed. I still really want to talk about it to sly..............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

here I am again, the last 10 minutes of my work week remain and I can't focus any longer. I'm going to my dad's house today. it's his birthday, and he's turned 47. when I called him earlier he was sleeping, but I couldn't tell if the wilt in his voice was a result of being sleepy or drunk. or both. he rarely stays sober anymore. some days he's lucid, and others he's totally out of it. he asked, for instance, who I'm dating. I've been dating steven for 4 1/2 years now, dad. you remember him.

it's hard to recall a time when he wasn't so far gone. it wasn't long ago, but it really has been an entire transitional time-frame ago. I have gone to school, graduated, bought a new car, moved into my first apartment, and started my first real job in the time that he has ignored the life revolving around him. I dont think tony even bothers visiting him anymore. when did my dad stop being a dad?

I find myself surprised when someone follows through when they do something nice for me. is that normal? I remember with a lot of affection the day that my dad came home with a new tail light for me. things like that rarely happened: he sees a problem and can't fix it, so he finds another way. the end. no questions asked. how does that happen?

there is a level of accountability that I dont hold people to because who in my life has been held accountable? my mom divorced my dad, which shattered his world, and he never hit rock bottom. no, I take that back, he has completely hit rock bottom, but I think that he is finally somewhat comfortable in this world of pain in which he resides. it's as if it matches what he's felt his whole life, this personal hell. what else can you make of a person who was so alive and well not long ago?

I can't bring myself to think about him too often, because I see so much of my life in him - not the past, but the reality of the fact that he has eeked into every inch of my being. I've adopted methods of dating my dad, befriending my dad, feeling the inordinate amount of pain like my dad, reserving myself to the fact that I'll likely never be fully happy - like my dad.

my grandpa believes strongly in the power of the mind, that we decide how things affect us.

was his dad an alcoholic?