I sit and stare at the computer screen on days like these and ponder.
all week I've been outrageously busy at work. we started using a new sign-in system, and between it being a holiday week (today is thanksgiving) and annette being gone, I've had to pick up the slack. I've put in a request/letter of interest for a position in development upstairs, but that is still pending and will require me to get a second job. maybe kaldis? maybe bartending? I'm hoping it pans out.
the job market and searching a for a new place in the working world is something that plagues this journal. I haven't yet been able to accept my position wherever I am; this says a lot about what's going on between my own two ears, and I'll own that. I wish that I could settle into something more enjoyable...I love Kaldi's. I loved being around coffee all the time and hanging out with my friends in the shop, but it's not practical. I can't get a retirement fund set up while working for $8.50 an hour, and I certainly can't provide for my family that way, either.
my family. I've moved in with eric officially and we're ridiculously happy. there are tense moments here and there, and money seems to be a never-ending battleground of emotion, worry, and indifference. recently eric was informed that he was officially and demisedly in federal default with his school loans. this means he = fucked if he doesn't start paying on them, about $510 per month. I say this is a good thing; avoidance doesn't make money problems go away. but that also means I can't quit my job no matter how much I hate it, and it also means I have to get my shit together and start paying down my own loans.
this has put a hold on our wedding plans. I don't think we ever anticipated or wanted to have anything fancy, too elegant, formal or big, but whatever celebration we have, it will likely include 125 or so people and a money expenditure that we haven't begun to anticipate.
eric said he was really upset because he had started looking at engagement rings when he found out about the default. the ring isn't the important thing to me. don't get me wrong; I LOVE big diamonds and sparkly things that attract the eye, but I'm just as happy denoting my marriage with a simple band as I am sporting an extravagant sparkler. stuff is stuff. it's temoporary. it doesn't bring me the happiness that eric has brought me. I don't need to dwell on what is right now impossible. I am so, so lucky to be with eric and for having found him. I can't wait to marry him but I don't need to substantiate how I feel about him with a HUGE wedding affair and a big ring.
grumpa just went through a procedure the other day that resulted in a minor stroke. he's ok now as far as we know, but what a scare. we lost aunt betty a few weeks ago (gram's best friend and gpa's sister) and then aunt fonnie a week later. both had suffered with cancer for so long that it was a relief that they had gone to a presumably better place. I know timmy will be ok, but my gma might really feel the loss of betty, and god knows she was probably a mess thinking about losing my gpa. I hope all is well with him...I'm not prepared to say good-bye to another loved one, especially grumpa.
so let's get off the subject of loss and move on the the silly subject of maybe getting married!
ok, here's a list of ideal and tangible things that I'd love.
-a wideset ring with a lot of tiny little diamonds intricately placed everywhere rather than a large center stone.
-band for him: white gold, matte finish, wide band. engraved with a message.
-dress for wedding: I love the ones on jcrew, cotton-silk blends, most likely strapless, simple with pockets. OR an ivory lace number, like the one that brittany and sylvia both tried on and didn't get (but I LOVED). shoes? I'd love a dress and ceremony that allows me to wear nice wedges, or maybe boots...
-his attire: a 3-piece suit, in a grey-brown. I love the idea of him wearing the suit to our wedding and shedding the jacket for our reception - so he's resplendent in a vest, shirt and tie. so sharp! he looks so good all dressed up and dapper. shirt? hmm. maybe light blue? maybe cream? tie tbd. shoe? boots!
-place: ok, here's where it really varies. ceremony in a catholic church or celebrated by a catholic priest somewhere (we have to do the catholic plunge!) and reception: either blumenhof or shrewsbury community center. if I really had my wish, I'd have a fall wedding, but that doesn't work for eric's school schedule (unless we do it over thanksgiving or similar). soooo we'll probably do it in june, and I think eric is leaning toward blumenhof.
-food: this is up in the air. I really had a great time and ate very well at kristin's enagagement party, and it was a potluck! I think that's a fun idea, but I don't think it's that appropriate for a wedding. so I think we'll stick to something really simple, like bbq (or even bandana's bbq meat) and then some simple side dishes (corn on the cob, big salad, rolls & butter). we may also employ some family to bring additional sides. maybe we'll also have veggies and dip (ranch/hummus). cake will be a few flavors of hank's cheesecake. it'd be fun, too, to have tiny cheesecakes for guests to take home. I don't know.
wedding party: my side will include sylvia and kristin and maybe brittany. eric's side is tbd, but I think he may want jaime in it, chase maybe, mike lee maybe, maybe huskey. wp dress? girls will probably wear a really nice dress, short or long, in a specific color tbd. I'm leaning towards dark blue or yellow or dark purple. or cream. or grey. who knows. guys will wear suits with matching shirts and ties (ties can be their gift). I don't like the idea of them having to rent a tux so I'll encourage them just getting/wearing a nice suit.
flowers: oh hell I don't care. baby roses tied together with ribbon? done.
officiant: fr brad? maybe?
other decs: white strung lights, the big bulbs are really neat. tea lights perched on tree bark or similar. tiki torches. maybe the occasional sunflower.
my wedding is planned!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I'm a little out of practice.
this post is mainly designed so that I don't decide to freak out at work. it's a necessary distraction. it's a leap into a safe place so that I don't spiral into a world of misery.
basically, today is one of those days that I hate my job and I need to chill the fuck out.
my faith in being here for a reason is dwindling...I thought, look thea: this is a great place with a great mission, you're getting paid, you're getting benefits, it's steady. but I'm a fucking receptionist. and I'm tired of getting calls from bill collectors because I can't pay them.
and...
all right, the list can go on and on, but it's not a good idea for me to perseverate on the bad since it's already fucking with my head as is. I think my period is on the way out which is why today isn't a GREAT day.
I get so frustrated for those reasons cited, but I get extra frustrated when I think that I SO could be working 'upstairs' with the creds I have. again, I need to chill out and bide my time. things happen when I'm patient - or, rather, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy if I don't dwell on the shortcomings of my present situation.
god, I hope and hope that the marketing/development job works out in the future! I hope I can stick it out in the meantime! I think everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I just need another boost in faith!
in other news, eric and I are in good standing after more than a few blowouts in the last 3-4 months. this summer was tough, even tougher than when his dad lived with us. I came home one night to a locked house and serious bullshit on his part, so I moved my shit OUT. we eventually worked through the worst of it and only recently had another big fight. that one sent me to my mom's for a weekend for some much-needed time away, and we settled back into good things.
I'm set to move out of my aparment (officially) by the middle of october. eric told me a while ago that he was hoping to buy me a sparkly piece of jewelry by next spring. very exciting! however, the air conditioner broke at our house, so we might have to wait for any crazy plans to happen until that's fixed. oh, life.
eric just played REM in the undercover weekend last week. it was awesome...who knew he could play a homosexual in makeup so well?! he did great. I personally think they stole the show, and the RFT wrote them up well.
on the familial front, kristin and tim are still married, though tim can forget that he's no longer a bachelor - he's a dad and a husband. frustrating at times for us and kristin. sylvia needs to get counseling because she's struggling with her current role as mom - it's what she wants, yet she's seemingly always MISERABLE and is making us all accodingly crazy. mom and tim are great. jill and brian are coming in town early october. jill recently got hit by a truck; it smashed her foot fairly badly, but she's ok (...for having been hit by a freakin truck). mac is adorable; he and toby are slowwwwwly getting used to each other. malachi and myella are getting bigger and more beautiful every day. eric's mom sent him a bday card. his dad is more tolerable. his sister is more selfish.
that's the update. maybe more to come soon...
basically, today is one of those days that I hate my job and I need to chill the fuck out.
my faith in being here for a reason is dwindling...I thought, look thea: this is a great place with a great mission, you're getting paid, you're getting benefits, it's steady. but I'm a fucking receptionist. and I'm tired of getting calls from bill collectors because I can't pay them.
and...
all right, the list can go on and on, but it's not a good idea for me to perseverate on the bad since it's already fucking with my head as is. I think my period is on the way out which is why today isn't a GREAT day.
I get so frustrated for those reasons cited, but I get extra frustrated when I think that I SO could be working 'upstairs' with the creds I have. again, I need to chill out and bide my time. things happen when I'm patient - or, rather, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy if I don't dwell on the shortcomings of my present situation.
god, I hope and hope that the marketing/development job works out in the future! I hope I can stick it out in the meantime! I think everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I just need another boost in faith!
in other news, eric and I are in good standing after more than a few blowouts in the last 3-4 months. this summer was tough, even tougher than when his dad lived with us. I came home one night to a locked house and serious bullshit on his part, so I moved my shit OUT. we eventually worked through the worst of it and only recently had another big fight. that one sent me to my mom's for a weekend for some much-needed time away, and we settled back into good things.
I'm set to move out of my aparment (officially) by the middle of october. eric told me a while ago that he was hoping to buy me a sparkly piece of jewelry by next spring. very exciting! however, the air conditioner broke at our house, so we might have to wait for any crazy plans to happen until that's fixed. oh, life.
eric just played REM in the undercover weekend last week. it was awesome...who knew he could play a homosexual in makeup so well?! he did great. I personally think they stole the show, and the RFT wrote them up well.
on the familial front, kristin and tim are still married, though tim can forget that he's no longer a bachelor - he's a dad and a husband. frustrating at times for us and kristin. sylvia needs to get counseling because she's struggling with her current role as mom - it's what she wants, yet she's seemingly always MISERABLE and is making us all accodingly crazy. mom and tim are great. jill and brian are coming in town early october. jill recently got hit by a truck; it smashed her foot fairly badly, but she's ok (...for having been hit by a freakin truck). mac is adorable; he and toby are slowwwwwly getting used to each other. malachi and myella are getting bigger and more beautiful every day. eric's mom sent him a bday card. his dad is more tolerable. his sister is more selfish.
that's the update. maybe more to come soon...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
tomorrow is my dad's birthday.
I'm at work, and it's a saturday, so I have time to journal for once. I don't write much these days, and I'm not sure why. it may have something to do with my reasonable assumption that I'm not made to be a writer. perhaps I'm just busy. otherwise, I'm happy, and happier posts are so lame to re-read.
I've been tentatively planning my wedding to the teacher. I'm horribly in love with him, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I keep bringing it up to him, which will likely blow up in my face if he's simply not ready, but I can't help it...to quote harry, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you pretty much want that to start as soon as possible."
I didn't realize how difficult it would be to let other things go, however. I still act silly every time I talk to my neighbor because I'm still attracted to him - though our conversations aren't anything to write home about. I have dreams with steven in them almost every other night. why is that?? I don't want anything to DO with him anymore. I cringe when I think about aspects of our relationship, of the days - weeks, months! - of me waiting and wanting connection and getting less than nothing from him. I hate that I would have settled for something so mediocre, so not me, so alton. I realize every day that eric has been my salvation...not in the 'jesus saves' sense, but in my downward spiral into self-annihilation sense that I always end up doing in my low times.
my life is progressing so far. I'm waiting for nursing school, and I might just do respiratory therapy instead because I need to start making some real dough. I'm working full time at rj now, so I have more money to my name than I've been used to as of late, which is nice...but I know how shitty it is to work in a job with no creative outlet, no way of advancing, and little appreciation from the boss people.
I took mac to the vet today and got his shots and a physical. it cost me $130. considering I have to buy food for him before I leave for our trip, I almost shit my pants. but he's healthy and protected! that makes me happy.
speaking of our trip, eric and I are leaving in 5 days to go west! the trip will start on the evening of may 20 and go through may 30 or 31. we'll drive to the tetons and jackson hole, then north through the southern entrance of yellowstone, see old faithful and the yellostone grand canyon, out the western entrance, up into idaho, around the arco loop, into stanley at the foot of the sawtooths, south into ketchum to see papa, then through idaho falls to get to pocatello, and, finally, home.
while it's going to be awesome, I'm a little wary of the trip because it's 11 days together, mostly in a car, dealing with what could potentially be stressful situations, worrying about money, etc. etc. etc. we're approaching our 1-year mark, and that usually means that a couple starts to stop being polite to each other....I hope that doesn't happen.
also, I was originally thinking that eric might propose to me during our trip. I have no idea if that will actually happen, especially since I have no idea how he'd be able to buy a ring these days with money as tight as it is. I keep hounding him to marry me on a whim because the wedding hype is SO overrated.
any of this is possible. we have tons to do tomorrow, including cooking some meals before we leave, buying food and last-minute supplies, and beginning the packing process. I need to drop mac off at my mom's soon, and I also need to go to my gpa's house to check out his vehicle and trailer. I think bringing the camper is our best bet, but it will be a hassle too. I hope it all works out. I also have to do start some laundry...the list continues...
in other news, I'm playing soccer again - on three teams!! one of my colleagues asked me to play, then (and trust me, I feel terrible about this) tore her ACL. so now I'm covering her spot on two other teams. it's crazy, let me tell you...I LOVE to play, but I'm wearing myself out paying for the leagues and playing my butt off. some of my teammates were (sort of) fighting over my playing for them, which is silly (since I may not be as good as they think) but certainly boosts my confidence. I love my thurs team, and I really enjoy playing outside on sundays. mondays are great, too, since I'm on the field, but sometimes those girls drive me nuts.
in family news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. when I let myself think about it, I really get sad. I miss him. I wish he could have met eric. I wanted so much for my dad to get old.
in other family news, my sister kristin had her baby - yay! her name is myella, courtesy of aunt thea. I was subconciously brainstorming one day and that name popped into my head. and voila! she's myella!! her water broke in the early morning hours of april 27, and she pushed her out (with my mom and me holding up her legs) at 7:31am on april 28. so neat! so cool to be there.
also, malachi turns one next week! this year has FLOWN by. I might miss his birthday party, but celebrating the first year of his life is exciting nonetheless.
jordan turns 8 tomorrow, I went to her first communion a few weeks ago and got to see my godson and another one of the babies I've been fortunate enough to see born. such a gift!
I think that's it. lots of months for me to catch up and write about... I'll try to visit more often. ciao.
I've been tentatively planning my wedding to the teacher. I'm horribly in love with him, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I keep bringing it up to him, which will likely blow up in my face if he's simply not ready, but I can't help it...to quote harry, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you pretty much want that to start as soon as possible."
I didn't realize how difficult it would be to let other things go, however. I still act silly every time I talk to my neighbor because I'm still attracted to him - though our conversations aren't anything to write home about. I have dreams with steven in them almost every other night. why is that?? I don't want anything to DO with him anymore. I cringe when I think about aspects of our relationship, of the days - weeks, months! - of me waiting and wanting connection and getting less than nothing from him. I hate that I would have settled for something so mediocre, so not me, so alton. I realize every day that eric has been my salvation...not in the 'jesus saves' sense, but in my downward spiral into self-annihilation sense that I always end up doing in my low times.
my life is progressing so far. I'm waiting for nursing school, and I might just do respiratory therapy instead because I need to start making some real dough. I'm working full time at rj now, so I have more money to my name than I've been used to as of late, which is nice...but I know how shitty it is to work in a job with no creative outlet, no way of advancing, and little appreciation from the boss people.
I took mac to the vet today and got his shots and a physical. it cost me $130. considering I have to buy food for him before I leave for our trip, I almost shit my pants. but he's healthy and protected! that makes me happy.
speaking of our trip, eric and I are leaving in 5 days to go west! the trip will start on the evening of may 20 and go through may 30 or 31. we'll drive to the tetons and jackson hole, then north through the southern entrance of yellowstone, see old faithful and the yellostone grand canyon, out the western entrance, up into idaho, around the arco loop, into stanley at the foot of the sawtooths, south into ketchum to see papa, then through idaho falls to get to pocatello, and, finally, home.
while it's going to be awesome, I'm a little wary of the trip because it's 11 days together, mostly in a car, dealing with what could potentially be stressful situations, worrying about money, etc. etc. etc. we're approaching our 1-year mark, and that usually means that a couple starts to stop being polite to each other....I hope that doesn't happen.
also, I was originally thinking that eric might propose to me during our trip. I have no idea if that will actually happen, especially since I have no idea how he'd be able to buy a ring these days with money as tight as it is. I keep hounding him to marry me on a whim because the wedding hype is SO overrated.
any of this is possible. we have tons to do tomorrow, including cooking some meals before we leave, buying food and last-minute supplies, and beginning the packing process. I need to drop mac off at my mom's soon, and I also need to go to my gpa's house to check out his vehicle and trailer. I think bringing the camper is our best bet, but it will be a hassle too. I hope it all works out. I also have to do start some laundry...the list continues...
in other news, I'm playing soccer again - on three teams!! one of my colleagues asked me to play, then (and trust me, I feel terrible about this) tore her ACL. so now I'm covering her spot on two other teams. it's crazy, let me tell you...I LOVE to play, but I'm wearing myself out paying for the leagues and playing my butt off. some of my teammates were (sort of) fighting over my playing for them, which is silly (since I may not be as good as they think) but certainly boosts my confidence. I love my thurs team, and I really enjoy playing outside on sundays. mondays are great, too, since I'm on the field, but sometimes those girls drive me nuts.
in family news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. when I let myself think about it, I really get sad. I miss him. I wish he could have met eric. I wanted so much for my dad to get old.
in other family news, my sister kristin had her baby - yay! her name is myella, courtesy of aunt thea. I was subconciously brainstorming one day and that name popped into my head. and voila! she's myella!! her water broke in the early morning hours of april 27, and she pushed her out (with my mom and me holding up her legs) at 7:31am on april 28. so neat! so cool to be there.
also, malachi turns one next week! this year has FLOWN by. I might miss his birthday party, but celebrating the first year of his life is exciting nonetheless.
jordan turns 8 tomorrow, I went to her first communion a few weeks ago and got to see my godson and another one of the babies I've been fortunate enough to see born. such a gift!
I think that's it. lots of months for me to catch up and write about... I'll try to visit more often. ciao.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
as always, this is a way to put off what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm at rj working right now and though tonight hasn't been difficult, I'm trying not to be a massive bitch. I'm tired and ready to go home and eat chicken tenders and french fries, of all things. geez. one day I'm hoping it'll get a little easier.
I bitch about this shit and I'm sitting next to a kid who struggles so fully to mainstream and be as 'normal' as possible. what does that tell you? I need to modify my perception of how terrible my life is...because it's not.
my sister said something yesterday that hurt my feelings so badly that I don't want to talk to her for a few days. she mentioned how she doesn't like to call me anymore because I lament, or, in her words, throw it in her face that I work so much. it bothered me because I don't have the option of not working, and I wish I could spend even a fraction of my time the way she does.
I'm also really sensitive to my loved ones in my life saying anything about not spending any time with them lately. I get that I've been awol; I get that I'm often to busy to do anything with them. I understand that I'm not giving them the time that I used to. it breaks my heart and I don't like that part of this transitional time in my life. but I'm not going to taint my little piece of happiness because everyone else is unhappy with that decision. I can't be everything to everyone else anymore. I'm not always available to be everyone's 'go-to' person, even if they didn't think of me that way. I'm not willing to drop what I'm doing because someone has made plans and wants me to tag along. don't get me wrong; I sound like an asshole for assuming that people want to spend all sorts of time with me. the truth is, I just want to do my own thing and not catch crap for it.
I'm really on the defensive about this because I know I'm fucking up somewhere along the lines. I don't want to stop being friends with the people in my life just because I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to feel so fucking guilty for choosing eric over most other people.
I should call natalie. I should call ryan. I should spend time with both of them. I should stop bitching about it all so much and do the right thing.
but what the fuck is that?
I also need to address with eric the other half of my concern: him. in the past, he's gotten really upset when I want to spend an evening with one of my friends, usually natalie. he wants to do things together, and generally we are each other's 'plans.' but I do want to go out sometimes with just a few people, or just ryan, or just natalie. I desperately need an evening with just brittany. in order to keep the peace with eric, I should probably figure this shit out prior to pissing him off. I don't want to end up feeling claustrophobic. I love that kid too much.
I think, too, that things have the potential of evening out when his dad moves out and I subsequently move in. I shouldn't be in a hurry, but things are progressing, like it or not. it makes sense for us to really start sharing the load. also, it'll be easier for us to spend time together and apart because no matter what, we'd be living together. brittany could come over. natalie could come over. ryan could come over. sylvia could come over.
sylvia could be my freaking sister again.
that's another day, another conversation.
the problem at this point with moving in is that eric is avoiding the situtation on many levels. I don't blame him; avoidance is my defense mechanism when there's too much shit to deal with. his family is putting a lot on his shoulders and it's not right. it's ridiculous what they're asking him to do - like his mom telling him to call his dad's lawyers to make them stop filing a lawsuit. that's entirely her problem, and I think it's bullshit she and his dad are dragging him into it so heavily. they don't know that he wakes up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. they don't know that their bullshit is putting a huge strain on his teaching and his relationship with me. they have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. it sucks so bad...
he needs to talk to his dad about setting up a timeline for when he gets out of eric's house. he is a grown man and should not be relying on his son to fix things for him. he needs to get his shit together. I'm so mad about the whole situation that it makes me physically nauseous to spend time around some of his family. I just want eric to man up and kick him out. OUT
ok enough bitching. I need to study!
I bitch about this shit and I'm sitting next to a kid who struggles so fully to mainstream and be as 'normal' as possible. what does that tell you? I need to modify my perception of how terrible my life is...because it's not.
my sister said something yesterday that hurt my feelings so badly that I don't want to talk to her for a few days. she mentioned how she doesn't like to call me anymore because I lament, or, in her words, throw it in her face that I work so much. it bothered me because I don't have the option of not working, and I wish I could spend even a fraction of my time the way she does.
I'm also really sensitive to my loved ones in my life saying anything about not spending any time with them lately. I get that I've been awol; I get that I'm often to busy to do anything with them. I understand that I'm not giving them the time that I used to. it breaks my heart and I don't like that part of this transitional time in my life. but I'm not going to taint my little piece of happiness because everyone else is unhappy with that decision. I can't be everything to everyone else anymore. I'm not always available to be everyone's 'go-to' person, even if they didn't think of me that way. I'm not willing to drop what I'm doing because someone has made plans and wants me to tag along. don't get me wrong; I sound like an asshole for assuming that people want to spend all sorts of time with me. the truth is, I just want to do my own thing and not catch crap for it.
I'm really on the defensive about this because I know I'm fucking up somewhere along the lines. I don't want to stop being friends with the people in my life just because I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to feel so fucking guilty for choosing eric over most other people.
I should call natalie. I should call ryan. I should spend time with both of them. I should stop bitching about it all so much and do the right thing.
but what the fuck is that?
I also need to address with eric the other half of my concern: him. in the past, he's gotten really upset when I want to spend an evening with one of my friends, usually natalie. he wants to do things together, and generally we are each other's 'plans.' but I do want to go out sometimes with just a few people, or just ryan, or just natalie. I desperately need an evening with just brittany. in order to keep the peace with eric, I should probably figure this shit out prior to pissing him off. I don't want to end up feeling claustrophobic. I love that kid too much.
I think, too, that things have the potential of evening out when his dad moves out and I subsequently move in. I shouldn't be in a hurry, but things are progressing, like it or not. it makes sense for us to really start sharing the load. also, it'll be easier for us to spend time together and apart because no matter what, we'd be living together. brittany could come over. natalie could come over. ryan could come over. sylvia could come over.
sylvia could be my freaking sister again.
that's another day, another conversation.
the problem at this point with moving in is that eric is avoiding the situtation on many levels. I don't blame him; avoidance is my defense mechanism when there's too much shit to deal with. his family is putting a lot on his shoulders and it's not right. it's ridiculous what they're asking him to do - like his mom telling him to call his dad's lawyers to make them stop filing a lawsuit. that's entirely her problem, and I think it's bullshit she and his dad are dragging him into it so heavily. they don't know that he wakes up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. they don't know that their bullshit is putting a huge strain on his teaching and his relationship with me. they have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. it sucks so bad...
he needs to talk to his dad about setting up a timeline for when he gets out of eric's house. he is a grown man and should not be relying on his son to fix things for him. he needs to get his shit together. I'm so mad about the whole situation that it makes me physically nauseous to spend time around some of his family. I just want eric to man up and kick him out. OUT
ok enough bitching. I need to study!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
here's lookin at you, kid.
life is going well these days, mostly. I still lie awake a few days a week worrying about money, my life, school, my relationship with eric, and so on. I know it doesn't do me any good, but I can't help thinking about everything on my plate.
this is the school story: I'm currently trying to get in the program at forest park or even meremac. that way I'm only spending less than $10,000 for my RN instead of the $37,000 for my BSN. with me and eric talking long-term (like, forever), I can't in good conscience take out another gazillion dollars to pay for my education. I won't do it.
so. at this point, the biggest thing stopping me from getting things really done and moving is me. I have such a hard time doing all the grown-up bullshit...it's like I freak out and avoid it altogether. I can cop out and say that it's because of all my baggage, but I have to move on, forgive my past, and take care of fuckin business.
today I'm hoping to look over the practice dosage test and then take it next week at fo po. I then need to talk to another advisor about signing up for the nursing gig and continuing those steps with vigor. I have to look into financial aid and any kind of grants I can get. this will happen sooner than later, and I can have a better attitude about it all because that's what will get me through this. everyone else in my life supports and believes in me; why can't I?
in other news, eric and I really are talking about the future. he said specifically last night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. it's not the first time that's come up in our conversations, which thrills me everytime I think about it. I love the idea of being his wife, of him being my husband. and that's not it; it's more than an idea between me and him. it's so much more tangible than that. I remember telling him in the beginning of our relationship that I've never been anything but myself around him, and that's still the truth.
I can see waking up with him every day, I can see making babies with him, I can see him being an incredible father, I see him being a part of my family, I see him with me always. I'm so freakin crazy about that kid. I love touching him. I love talking to him. I love hearing and watching him sing and including me in his musical life. every day I fall more in love with him, and I thank the high heavens for sending him to me. this is what I was waiting for. all those silly romantic songs about finally finding that one person really do have some merit. we make so much sense together where steven and I didn't. what steven and I had in passion is more than made up for in eric's love, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, drive, confidence, caring....I could keep going on and on. the passion I feel (or felt) with steven keeps waning as I feel more and more passionate about eric.
ok, enough super sappy talk. the bones of it is that I have finally fallen in love with a stand-up guy. I told him the other day that I was so, so lucky to have found him. I always wait for the bottom to drop out in my life, but I see no real bottom with him. I think he loves me and wants to be with me too. I think I knew since the beginning that I could see a real future with him, and while it killed me to wait around for him to come to any realization on his own, my patience paid off. he asked me a few weeks ago that he wanted us to move in together. he's said more than once that he hopes and plans to get married to me. he regularly melds our lives together in the future tense; when I mentioned 'my dog, Mac..." he corrected me and said 'our dog!' I'm so excited to have someone who wants to share his life with me. I'm excited every morning to wake up with him. how cool is that?
...
we got into a huge fight the other day. huge screaming match in the middle of the night. I was so angry that I got my dog and my purse and tried calling someone to come pick me up (at 2am). things ended up ok, obviously, but it was fairly dramatic. the basis of the fight has to do (again) with his questioning my level of commitment, and that it really bothers him if I mention other guys in my life. it started with me getting a text from steven. why the fuck was he texting me anyway??! but he did. he wanted me to come over or something, and he said he still loves me. he was really drunk, of course, so I sent one text back telling him to have fun and be careful, but no, I'm not coming out to see him.
so when I told this to eric, that's when the fight started - the fight that we were supposed to have had weeks ago. we duked it out and got a lot of shit on the table, but I walked away without feeling settled about any one thing. he was so patronizing and didn't take what I said seriously. I couldn't tell why...? like, does he just think I'm some silly young girl he can't take seriously?? it drives me nuts. I'm so much more mature and level-headed than so many females my age, first of all, and secondly, my concerns were legitimate. I mentioned the fact that I thought his relationship with the band girls sometimes bordered on inappropriate, and he called it a 'moot point.' what the fuck? ok, I get it, I don't have anything to worry about. but it's not a 'moot point' because it bothers and concerns me, which really was my biggest argument.
what I really hate about the whole scenario is that I walked away feeling like shit. I also have all of this anxiety about the littlest things because I don't know what's going to bother him or set him off. I hate that he harbors those feelings and then explodes on me later. I have no idea if he's even mad till it's way too late. I'm a 'fixer'; I like to make things better, and I can't begin to do that if he refuses to address the problem head on.
I actually mentioned this to him the other day. his mom is being really ugly throughout the divorce, and while some of her actions are unfounded, I think that many of them are a result of her harboring anger and resentment so long that it's coming out in an explosive and henceforth destructive way. eric does the same thing, though he's obviously not nearly as awful as his mom has been. so I approached him when we were getting along and in a 'safe' place (metaphorically speaking) and I asked him if he thought that his mom was perhaps dealing with her past feelings now. I then said that he does the same thing, and he's in danger of dealing with them negatively like she is if he doesn't attend to the problem initially.
his response was that he's had this conversation a hundred times before, that that's the way he is, and that he holds things in. I told him that he may have talked about it before, but not with me, and he may have always been that way, but he doesn't have to be. I asked him to make a concerted effort to address shit in the present because...well, because shit is better fixed, is all.
to further update on the eric situation, this morning he told me that when his dad moves out (he said hopefully by the summer...gulp...I was hoping by january), I'm going to move in with him. he's then going to pick up a summer job and start saving for my ring...! we both want a short engagement and a small wedding, probably at blumenhof. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I asked him if he knew the tradition of spending a certain amount on my ring, and he said, "yeah, two months' pay, right?" I'm like whoa! no thanks! I don't need anything fancy! but it was cute, all the same.
I can't wait to really get started on my life with him. I can't bloody wait.
this is the school story: I'm currently trying to get in the program at forest park or even meremac. that way I'm only spending less than $10,000 for my RN instead of the $37,000 for my BSN. with me and eric talking long-term (like, forever), I can't in good conscience take out another gazillion dollars to pay for my education. I won't do it.
so. at this point, the biggest thing stopping me from getting things really done and moving is me. I have such a hard time doing all the grown-up bullshit...it's like I freak out and avoid it altogether. I can cop out and say that it's because of all my baggage, but I have to move on, forgive my past, and take care of fuckin business.
today I'm hoping to look over the practice dosage test and then take it next week at fo po. I then need to talk to another advisor about signing up for the nursing gig and continuing those steps with vigor. I have to look into financial aid and any kind of grants I can get. this will happen sooner than later, and I can have a better attitude about it all because that's what will get me through this. everyone else in my life supports and believes in me; why can't I?
in other news, eric and I really are talking about the future. he said specifically last night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. it's not the first time that's come up in our conversations, which thrills me everytime I think about it. I love the idea of being his wife, of him being my husband. and that's not it; it's more than an idea between me and him. it's so much more tangible than that. I remember telling him in the beginning of our relationship that I've never been anything but myself around him, and that's still the truth.
I can see waking up with him every day, I can see making babies with him, I can see him being an incredible father, I see him being a part of my family, I see him with me always. I'm so freakin crazy about that kid. I love touching him. I love talking to him. I love hearing and watching him sing and including me in his musical life. every day I fall more in love with him, and I thank the high heavens for sending him to me. this is what I was waiting for. all those silly romantic songs about finally finding that one person really do have some merit. we make so much sense together where steven and I didn't. what steven and I had in passion is more than made up for in eric's love, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, drive, confidence, caring....I could keep going on and on. the passion I feel (or felt) with steven keeps waning as I feel more and more passionate about eric.
ok, enough super sappy talk. the bones of it is that I have finally fallen in love with a stand-up guy. I told him the other day that I was so, so lucky to have found him. I always wait for the bottom to drop out in my life, but I see no real bottom with him. I think he loves me and wants to be with me too. I think I knew since the beginning that I could see a real future with him, and while it killed me to wait around for him to come to any realization on his own, my patience paid off. he asked me a few weeks ago that he wanted us to move in together. he's said more than once that he hopes and plans to get married to me. he regularly melds our lives together in the future tense; when I mentioned 'my dog, Mac..." he corrected me and said 'our dog!' I'm so excited to have someone who wants to share his life with me. I'm excited every morning to wake up with him. how cool is that?
...
we got into a huge fight the other day. huge screaming match in the middle of the night. I was so angry that I got my dog and my purse and tried calling someone to come pick me up (at 2am). things ended up ok, obviously, but it was fairly dramatic. the basis of the fight has to do (again) with his questioning my level of commitment, and that it really bothers him if I mention other guys in my life. it started with me getting a text from steven. why the fuck was he texting me anyway??! but he did. he wanted me to come over or something, and he said he still loves me. he was really drunk, of course, so I sent one text back telling him to have fun and be careful, but no, I'm not coming out to see him.
so when I told this to eric, that's when the fight started - the fight that we were supposed to have had weeks ago. we duked it out and got a lot of shit on the table, but I walked away without feeling settled about any one thing. he was so patronizing and didn't take what I said seriously. I couldn't tell why...? like, does he just think I'm some silly young girl he can't take seriously?? it drives me nuts. I'm so much more mature and level-headed than so many females my age, first of all, and secondly, my concerns were legitimate. I mentioned the fact that I thought his relationship with the band girls sometimes bordered on inappropriate, and he called it a 'moot point.' what the fuck? ok, I get it, I don't have anything to worry about. but it's not a 'moot point' because it bothers and concerns me, which really was my biggest argument.
what I really hate about the whole scenario is that I walked away feeling like shit. I also have all of this anxiety about the littlest things because I don't know what's going to bother him or set him off. I hate that he harbors those feelings and then explodes on me later. I have no idea if he's even mad till it's way too late. I'm a 'fixer'; I like to make things better, and I can't begin to do that if he refuses to address the problem head on.
I actually mentioned this to him the other day. his mom is being really ugly throughout the divorce, and while some of her actions are unfounded, I think that many of them are a result of her harboring anger and resentment so long that it's coming out in an explosive and henceforth destructive way. eric does the same thing, though he's obviously not nearly as awful as his mom has been. so I approached him when we were getting along and in a 'safe' place (metaphorically speaking) and I asked him if he thought that his mom was perhaps dealing with her past feelings now. I then said that he does the same thing, and he's in danger of dealing with them negatively like she is if he doesn't attend to the problem initially.
his response was that he's had this conversation a hundred times before, that that's the way he is, and that he holds things in. I told him that he may have talked about it before, but not with me, and he may have always been that way, but he doesn't have to be. I asked him to make a concerted effort to address shit in the present because...well, because shit is better fixed, is all.
to further update on the eric situation, this morning he told me that when his dad moves out (he said hopefully by the summer...gulp...I was hoping by january), I'm going to move in with him. he's then going to pick up a summer job and start saving for my ring...! we both want a short engagement and a small wedding, probably at blumenhof. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I asked him if he knew the tradition of spending a certain amount on my ring, and he said, "yeah, two months' pay, right?" I'm like whoa! no thanks! I don't need anything fancy! but it was cute, all the same.
I can't wait to really get started on my life with him. I can't bloody wait.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I spent most of my evening at home, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I read my book for a while (I'm reading 'fall on your knees') and then remembered to eat and do a few things around my apartment.
I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.
the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.
brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.
britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!
the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.
it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.
I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.
no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.
is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....
but man, my heart won't listen to reason.
I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.
the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.
brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.
britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!
the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.
it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.
I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.
no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.
is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....
but man, my heart won't listen to reason.
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