oh my goodness I can't believe my life right now. I really, really like eric. we had a great time last night, and we had a fabulous makeout session at the end of the night. I definitely know he finds me attractive, if you know what I mean...wow. that was a lot of fun. I had to drag myself out of the car to leave because I didn't want to. he's just really great.

so I get home and I'm riding on a high from being with eric, seeing him play (which was terribly sexy yum) and spending time with him in general, and I'm surprised to see my neighbor chris getting out of his car as I pulled up. I get out of my car to go oepn the garage door, and suddenly chris is standing righttherethisclose and is trying to pin me to my car and kiss me.

...................uuuuuuuuummm what??!

here is chris, hot, gorgeous chris who I've been pining after for months and months, and he's allll over me. his hands are everywhere and his mouth is hot and needy and all over mine. it's like the hottest thing that could have ever happened to me, and I don't know what to do.

so, of course, I said something stupid.

I'm like, uhhmm what did you drink - horny juice?! what is the matter with you?? so he explains (in between trying to eat me alive in the middle of the night, in the middle of my alley) that he's been interested in me for months and that I'm a crazy person for not figuring this out. I had NO freakin clue that this kid likes me. I just assumed that he's not my type, that he's got some other girl (or 190 for all I know) who fits the bill a hell of a lot better than I do, and he certainly didn't like me.

ooooooooh but he does. wwwwoooooowwww.

so somehow he ended up in my apartment, somehow I started taking his clothes off, and somehow my clothes suddenly disappeared. I can barely type how amazing he looks like with his clothes off. the whole time this is happening, I'm thinking, oh my god, wtf am I doing? I can't believe I'm doing this!!?? this is terrible. I was just enjoying an amazing time with the guy I'm slowly and surely falling in love with, and here I am, about to screw some jockhead neighbor.

so mistakes were made. I still can't fucking believe what happened. but oh my god, he's beautiful with his clothes off. nothing was 'done' by the time I just made him leave because I was so mad at myself. but even when he was leaving, he pushed me back against the wall, knocking things over, and kissed me so harrrrrd. uuuuugggggggghhhh I can't get over this.

at some point we exchanged numbers (I think that's supposed to come before sleeping with someone, along with, you know, dinner, drinks, conversation...) and he texted me. he wanted to spend the rest of the night together, and I staunchly refused. I had already taken a shower to try and wash off my slutty behavior (is that possible???) and I wasn't going to sucker into another siutation. but anyway, I went outside for one more rendezvous with him, and he climbed over the fence so it was much easier for him to grab me and make out again.

now, I'm nothing if not experienced as a lover and kisser, so I know he had to be sufficiently impressed. but I had to end the evening. it was Time. I can't two-time these guys. I like eric too much, and I've already seen way too much of my neighbor for comfort.

I seriously, seriously still can't fuckin believe what happened. I can't believe chris likes me. I'm going to have to get over it and forgive myself for the indiscretions. eric and I may be going forward exceedingly well, and we're likely going to have a future together. I can't tell him. I can't. it would probably ruin us.

so today I'm a little sore, fairly embarrassed, somewhat impressed with myself for standing my ground (cough cough, AFTER the fact), and totally inundated with flashbacks of chris's body. le sigh. oh, and my face is totally chapped from making out with two scruffy men.

how do I feel about all this? hmmm let's see. I'm still surprised that chris admitted his feelings for me (whatever they are and if they're for real). he even said that he was totally bummed that things were going well with my 'date' (aka eric) because he wanted to get involved with me. I'm mad that I fed into my hormones so heavily. it's like eric got me all primed and ready, then sent me into the proverbial firepit with chris. I want things to work out with eric, so no more chris. check. and keep hormones in check. check. and sleep. check.

I am allowing myself to forgive me for doing something stupid. I can't change the past, but I can certainly be better in the future. I allow myself to enjoy eric and other pleasurable things in my life, despite the silly mistakes I made. it's going to be ok. all is well in my world.

I am so 'in like.'

so, I've met someone. to say he's great would be an understatement. I can't help it: I'm smitten. his name is eric, and he's a high school english teacher (a word guy!!!). midway through our first date, he told me he's also in a band. !!! that like upped his sexiness factor by at least 30%. he's tall (about 6'2") and shaves his head bald (which I love) and almost every time I think about him I smile.

god, this is scary. but so far it's good.

you know, I figured it'd be harder than this to transition into being in a different relationship, but it's been much easier than I thought. I mean, minus the year or more I've tortured myself with steven. I have to forgive myself for being so naiive, so tolerant of the bad things. I don't know eric very well, but is he who I've been looking for or hoping for all this time? I don't know.

but he's great.

I really don't want to speak too soon, but I can see a future with this guy. speaking of soon, is it really too soon to say I miss being around him? I can't wait for the next time we get to hang out. is this what everyone has told me to hold out for?

is this a gift from my dad? is it??!

because he's such a gift. this has pulled me up out of a funk I never imagined was so deep. we met almost two weeks ago at a bar, for god's sake. brittany and I had gotten drunk at the cards game, then went to a bar and made friends with just about anyone we could talk to, then sang our hearts out in karaoke. there was this guy there who I thought was cute - he was wearing a bowler hat. anyway, britt and I rocked out and ended up singing bohemian rhapsody, which was the last song of the night. I vaguely remember talking to hat guy (i.e. eric), and he handed me his phone number. ha! I was so caught off guard I just stood there for a minute like an idiot.

there I was, drunk as a skunk, and I happened to meet some random guy AT A BAR while I was wearing something really impressive (uuuh, that's a lie - I was wearing a black tank and camo shorts with chewed-up flip flops). what's really a mind fuck is that I actually called him. I NEVER call guys!! I'd like to time travel back to that night to figure out what the HELL I was thinking.

to continue the story, mr bowler hat called me the next day. I was so chicken shit that I texted him rather than called him back. to tell the truth (and for the record, I admitted this to him), I was completely embarrassed of my behavior that fateful fri night. I couldn't even remember what he looked like. I wasn't even sure what his name was till he said it in the voicemail he left me. after talking to britt, she said he was eyeing me that night....

ok, here's where I'm confused. I'm telling you, there was nothing spectacular about me that night except for my amazing capacity to keep drinking past the point of no return. I was wasted, I didn't look adorable as far as I was concerned (my hair was even pulled into a ponytail), and I don't really remember any noteworthy conversations we had. so why.......? I had the gall to ask him on our first date. wtf did you call me??

I just think it was ballsy.

so he's nothing like I usually date, though he is tall and good-looking. he's emotional, smart, he likes art (we're going to the art museum tomorrow), he's educated, he gives a shit about things that go beyond him....wow I really like him.

can I say it?? can I????!!!!!!!

I can't. not yet.

but ps he's a really good kisser. and I can't stop thinking about getting him in bed. what is wrong with me?!!

oh, to just continue the list of Good, he's also really close to his family, especially his older sister, and he's mildly obsessed with his 1 y.o. niece. awesome.

I really can't wait to see how this turns out.

over-squeezed lemons.

I've been really sad lately. losing my dad has been much harder that I thought it would be. maybe it's because I still feel guilty about not calling him back for two months. it might be because I see the haunting images of him wasting away to almost nothing. maybe it's because he was too young, or because he didn't get to be a grandpa for longer than a week, or because he only got to see one of us walk down the aisle.

maybe I just miss him.

death is so final. he's so gone. we won't ever hear him say those funny little jokes or make weird noises. he won't be able to fix my car or give me advice on how to make the engine run more cleanly. he's not there for my little brother to go to when tony fucks up. he's. just. gone.

I can't decide if I'm supposed to stay this sad. I completely fell apart again the other day, a little over a month after my dad passed. I just keep thinking about how brutally unfair it is to lose someone wonderful when there are so many ugly people in the world who don't give a shit about living and breathing and being alive. ugh it's frustrating.

right now things aren't particularly right in my world. I'm trying hard to find things to look forward to, things that will make me happy. is this just a difficult year? or do I just attract negative happenings upon myself? I guess either way I can decide how to best deal with it - be happy, or sad. be miserable, or accepting. be open, or be closed to the potential of good.

I'm trying to document this time in my life because I think it's necessary to know later when it was bad, really bad. I'm not sleeping much lately, and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm shanking on a lot of responsibilities. I cry at weird times. I'm terrified of men. I'm stressed easily.

so I'm going to try and read this book called 'heal your life.' I mean, there's always room for improvement, and I'm certainly not in the healthy lifestyle bracket right now. I need to fix some shit.

so steven has somehow slipped back into my life. who knew....

I dont know what to do concerning him. I'm pretty sure I know that we won't ever get back together, and I'm pretty sure I know that because my heart is telling me it's a bad idea - not just my head.

I dont understand him. he says all these weird things that cross the line, then when I push any of the issues, he's like "whoa there! that's not in the rules!!" bullshit. dont pull that with me.

my dog nearly died today. I'm hoping he's still alive when I get home. I want to cry thinking about him being dead. it would be AWFUL.

dad is still in the hospital. he's really far gone. his doc said he'd be happy if my dad got 80% of his liver to work again. I don't really know what that means, but I do know that prognosis is less than ideal.

I'm pretty sure I need a vacation or I will likely kill someone.

yesterday I feel like I made some serious progress: I went for a walk with mac and rarely thought about steven. I still wake up thinking about him, and I still hate the thought of dating someone else, but at least I made some baby steps.

chad is totally flipping me upside down. I don't know what to do or think about him. he and I have been working together a lot lately, and I can't seem to figure out if he's being a player, or if he's naturally flirtatious, or if he likes me..............? ugh I don't know. I'm certainly not going to make the first move, that's for sure.

what to do with my life!!!!! I feel like it won't slow down long enough for me to catch my breath, but my love life remains mostly nonexistent. somehow I think that probably makes it better for me since I can barely get up in the mornings, let alone maintain a relationship.

I talk a lot about relationships on here, which is weird because I'm not generally the kind of person who is constantly plugged in to my relationships. that being said, it's probably what brought mine and steven's ... whatever it was ... to a screeching halt.

introspectively, I realized that I'm creating these monsters. I haven't let myself get attracted to people who aren't 'work,' so to speak. I like to be independent, but I love not being alone way more than paying all my bills. if I foster this world in which I always take care of myself and everything, then at what point will I let someone else in? my stubbornness has not had the rewards one would expect after putting so much effort into something.

in fact, if my relationship was with stubbornness, then I'd be getting a divorce right about now and begging for alimony.

when I see people who have relationships that I admire or that I simply like, I've been trying to identify and implement those things into my life. it's not just boy-girl unions; it's friendships and families and the like. it's not rocket science to understand that I have a strong personality. it's also not hard for me to realize about myself that I have a lot of self worth issues, probably stemming from my dad and his sickness. I see people receive things without a second thought or feeling guilty. I can't even enjoy a birthday dinner because I'm so freaked out about someone spending money on me, which isn't conducive to letting anyone romance me.

I need more patience. I need more time to just be me and not try looking for answers everywhere all the time. this is the part I should be relishing and enjoying... I think if I begin to enjoy my life, the people who enter it will enjoy me. it's not a diffucult concept. keeping some of the people in my life who are frustrating and maddening is only good for the history I share with them; otherwise, they make me late for work. they contribute to me failing my tests. they make me cry. they make me freakin crazy!

really, I just hope I can continue to move forward instead of mourning the past all the time and wishing for better things. the best things are close by. my happiness is dependent upon no one but me. I can't always change the world, but I can change what's going on between my two ears.

and most of the time, that's more than enough.

my horoscope is weird today....

"You may have to give up your need for clear thinking today, for mental Mercury's alignment with hazy Neptune places a layer of impenetrable mist over your world. Your normally sharp perceptions lack focus now and critical analysis seems out of the question. Contrary to your belief, there's no need to struggle. Let your feelings guide you, even if you don't have the facts to back up your intuitive hunches."

I hope I'm just near my period because I'm consistently annoyed with anyone who moves near me. I pretty much feel like they're all jerks and I'm the only reasonable person alive, but that doesn't make any sense either. sigh.

I'm probably just hungry. or tired. or stressed. I hope I pass my classes.

the bridal shower for brittany is this saturday. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly. I just realized I hadn't planned for a sitter for mac, and he'll definitely need one. poor baby! he's been torturing me for not paying enough attention to him or something. brat.

I've been doing a lot better about the whole steven thing lately. I still think about him a ton, and now that I know he's on fb I've been mildly stalking him, but nothing over the top. I have days when I think about how great things were, and then I immediately have days when I can't believe I stayed with him through all the bullshit. ew.

it helps that I have distractions...chris and I had a lot of fun together while it lasted. I didn't want to encourage anything further with him because I don't want a relationship with him - again. he was going through a hard time, we hung out (and ultimately messed around) and that's it. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was going to break my heart again if I started getting feelings for him.

MY HEART: it's this expendable little thing. I think I was talking to my mom recently, and I realized that I generally set myself up for this kind of heartbreak. I hate the thought of someone taking care of me, or of being vulnerable, but I crave it at the same time. I want someone who lets me be independent and myself and who gives me free time and me time and away time....but I'm pretty sure I've created a person who ignores me, who gives me way too much space, who doesn't spend a lot of time with me, etc etc etc.

I tell myself that I want someone who makes things a lot simpler: I like you, you like me, let's hang out, date, spend more time together, seriously date, get married, make babies, the whole nine yards. I suppose I had something similar to that with derek (ew). I should probably stop trying to work within parameters so that I keep an open mind.

let's be honest here: I'm simply still not ready to be in another relationship. I'm still to raw and hurt and in pain. the end.

oh well. maybe someday.