did you ever think that someone has ruined you?

david is home because he's wanting to 'dry out.' his drinking has gotten really bad, so he wants to stop for a while. he stopped for...a day. maybe two. we had to pick him up at the bar yesterday. at least he didn't drive? arguably, I suppose it was his mother who ruined him. yesterday he referred to her as 'bitch' twice, and tim (as kind and loving as he is) all but agreed with dave when I yelled at him for calling her names. she is a bitch.

I'm pretty sure steven ruined me. who the hell will I trust again? I never even fully trusted him. my mom always says if you win a guy who cheated on his wife/girlfriend with you, then you'll always be dating the guy who cheated. it's kind of a 'duh' comment, but it reminds me to think about things...was it ever really going to work out?

I also think about the fact that I might not be the marrying type. what if I'm really not? I had a good run with a (sometimes) great guy for a few years. I suppose it's just time to move on, but that's just the thing I can't bring myself to do. confession: I keep thinking (and maybe even hoping) that steven will come dragging his sorry ass back to me. I'm not used to this breakup gig, but I hear that's a typical response. I don't even think I'd take him back, but I want him to grovel a bit.

life goes on. I may be ruined, or I may just never wear a veil in my hypothetical wedding. dave may be ruined, or he might just find something better to be addicted to. you just never know.