ok this is getting ridiculous. I literally haven't done anything for almost 2 hours. felicia was being particularly bitchy today, and I know she spoke to one of my students without doing me the courtesy of updating me.

tonight the sisters and I are going to an art show - at least, that's the plan. who knows what kristin will do. I need some coffee and a reason to feel pretty...in other words, I'm game for going out. I only cheated on the drinking thing once this week, and it was the day after my meltdown that I had a glass of wine. does it count?

I wish I could draw some pretty pics or something, but there is a level of transparency here that allows me to only fuck around 30% of the time.

and yet, I haven't done anything in 2 hours. le sigh.

kerry and cindy are trying to convince me to hook up with kerry's intern mike. he's cute, and apparently (according to one of our students) he's newly single. you know, I'm not all that interested to be in a relationship with someone who is as marginally vulnerable as I am. I don't know what I would do if I encountered steven right now; maybe in a month or two I'll know, and then I'll be ready...right?

fuck, am I setting myself up for being the weird, single chick? fuck that. I like sex too much.

I need to tell them soon that I'm leaving. the exec secretary asked me if I was the one going to a specific convention in august, and I said that I am - well, that I'm supposed to. however, it's the weekend before my birthday and the beginning of the semester for me. oops. I should probably get on that...

kevin imed me today while on fb. that was awkward. he also called and left a message for me last night. I hate that I am such a shadeball, but I don't know why he would want me to call him or remain friends with him. the night he was over at my apt was a complete fucking disaster. I cringe every time I think about it. and then...he calls me? I don't get it. I don't know why he wouldn't hate me. I would hate me.

this is me trying to work myself into a state of mind where I can start writing my book. this book, I tell ya, is going to make me millions!!!! well, that's what I dream about anyway. I really can't wait for it to happen. I need to get started. I have so many ideas!!! I want it to be fabulous, I want it to reach my audience, and eventually I want to be one of those fantastic writers who people equate with words like 'timeless' and 'classic' and 'intuitive.' I wouldn't even mind being a writer who people simply talk about. I'll buy that.

speaking of dreams...I dreamt last night that steven realized his terrible mistake and wanted me back. the thing is (and this is how I know I'm not ready for anything yet) I was undecided on how to respond to him. 'no' wasn't the 100% answer, but neither was 'yes.' I think I was more concerned with the fact that he knew he fucked up.

ok, now I can sufficiently pack up and go home in a few minutes.