cindy is in the process of trying to set me up with a student. great. awkward. I joking refer to this guy as 'dreamboat' but seriously...I don't plan on crossing those lines anytime soon.

I believe ryan is beginning to think more seriously about me and him becoming a 'me and him.' it's not that I'm absolutely opposed to this idea, but I doubt he'd plan to be in anything besides the long haul with me. I don't know man...

I'm tired of being in a relationship, and I'm tired of not being in one. the idea of dating ryan is simply a safe alternative to the possibility of being alone - and being alone is an idea that I'm definitely opposed to. I don't think I'm in a place to settle or move on yet. shit, I still check my phone to see if steven has texted me or called or whatever. he hasn't, if anyone was wondering. he hasn't said anything since I let him know our friend tom is getting married.

so I go from not being in control of our situation - he ended things - to being in control - he all but came crawling back to me - to being totally blindsided again by his lack of response to me. it's been just a little over 24 hours, but that's long enough. I'm involved again, and I'm alone...still? again? I'm taking his number out of my phone. again.

I was just beyond the point of thinking he'd be back in my life. I stopped looking for his car as I turned down my street. I almost didn't even recognize the number when he did finally get in touch with me. apparently singledom hasn't been good for him either, even moreso than for me.

annnnnnnnd we sit in the office and talk about sex. poor kerry hasn't had any experience in that department, not even on the smallest level possible. I've had way too much. I legitimately miss having sex. how do people go so long without it? I don't understand.

steven brought up sex the other night, and I told him to stop talking about it because I already have a hard time not getting any. I don't need to talk it over with the one person who was the best lay I've ever had. this single and tainted thing is practically painful. it should be illegal to be a virgin or to be a involuntarily-born-again virgin.

shaun sent me a message yesterday asking if I would go riding in his convertible during lunch. no thanks, I'm not interested...in him. carrie bradshaw put it best when she said "good in paper means bad in bed." I never slept with shaun (in fact, I told him almost at the very beginning of the date that I wouldn't), but the thought of his mouth getting near mine makes me a little more than nauseous. bad sign. no chemistry. if you're wondering whether you can formulate some modicrum of chemistry, I'll be the first one to tell you it's not fucking possible.

and of course there's always chris. chris is safe, too, but not in the way that ryan is safe. chris has been a constant in my life for close to ten years. ten fucking years! who does that? ten years later, and kissing him still shoots electricity to my toes. I hardly know anyone who feels that way about another.

I am a person who generally thinks that love is a choice. this is probably a result of my alcoholic parent causing my non-alcoholic parent to go to program, which in turn has enabled us to grow up with program/alcoholic (depending on the day) parenting. but anyway, love is a choice. or was a choice. did you ever just love someone immediately? I loved jordan, kelly's daughter, since hte first moment I saw her. it was instant, and I felt a little pull in my empty heart (at the time) for that 6-lb baby. I still have this terrible soft spot for the little brat, and I can tell you that while I love ahslynn, I love jordan like an aunt loves her nieces/nephews plus some.

but love isn't always a choice I think. I love steven though I've also hated his fucking guts for the last 6 or 8 weeks. I've hated that I love him. I remember when I kissed kevin, I literally could only think about steven. I didn't want to admit it, but I tried to pretend that kevin was steven because I couldn't stand kissing anyone else. with shaun, it was a little different. there is and was no danger there. as soon as I opened the door to my apartment, I knew he was not It. when I kissed him, it was because I was 'supposed' to...or something. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he has a closet case of horny little bastardness. he was really sweet and fun on one hand, but there has to be some substance behind the fact that I cringe every time I think about him.

I am SO wimping out of calling him and letting him know I'm no longer interested. what a fucking pussy. I thought I was tougher than that. my kryptonite seems to be bad kissing.



other weakening agents? good kissing and great fucking. those get me every time (thanks steven and chris).