well this is fun. it's friday, and I don't have anything to do. not really. it's a catch 22 to be moving on...I don't feel like starting new projects or finishing new ones because I won't be here. I end up instead being bored and getting pissed that it's almost july and I don't have a tan. I don't have a tan! there is a perfectly good sun up and out right now, and I'm sitting here with no way of partaking in its fabulous skin-browning qualities.

ok ok I'm reaching here. I just hate this place. I get almost the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about traveling as I do when I think about steven.

oooooooh steven. what a selfish prick. that doesn't even make me feel any better. why should it? I dated the selfish prick for 4 1/2 years. I'm not the winner here for being duped (literally and metaphorically) for so long. I said this to brittany the other day: what is it about me that is so damn expendable? why is it that I can't possibly bring happiness into someone's life, enough so that we're both happy? I realize we're not supposed to have all the answers to these stupid questions, but dammit! I don't understand how it's so simple for some people and so difficult for me.

simple scenario: guy meets girl, girl and guy like each other, they date. girl and guy love each other, they get serious. they make a life-altering decision together and decide to get hitched because, well, that's what you do when you love someone: you want to be with that person presumably forever, right?

well in TheaLand, that's WRONG.

TheaLand scenario: we meet. we like each other kinda. we start getting physical, but not all the way. then I fall in love. then we get physical. then I realize I'm an idiot. then he realizes he loves me. then I play pawn to his emotions HE skips out on me when he finds another person he'd MUCH rather commit to. or something.

am I not the marrying type? guess not.

technically there cannot be an established pattern until there are three things that happen similarly, like three husbands of the same woman die mysteriously (funny I use that comparison...). so right now I'm at the 'coincidental' stage: the two people I loved more than anyone else in the whole damn world both dumped me. DUMPED me. reason? they couldn't commit - not to people, not to the idea of marriage or just a bonafide relationship - but they couldn't commit to ME.

this is bullshit.

the part of this whole steven thing that devastates me is not that the end was so shitty (though it SO was). the part that bothers me is that there was so much GOOD, too. we had so many GOOD times. the sex was so GOOD, he could be so GOOD to me, he was so GOOD to be around. do all good things really have to come to an end?

brittany and I have talked before about how she and I are in a perpetual state of waiting: we're waiting for things to bottom out, get bad, show its true colors. it's not that we're pessimists or totally cynical (though I've been known to be both); it's that things have always bottomed out. always.

I'm terrified of the next portion of my life I'm entering into, but I can't stop asking that very question: what next? what the fuck am I supposed to do now? do you know how much weight we place on familiarity? I spent over four years with that fucker, all through college and through some of the craziest things with that kid, and now he's gone. gone! he has no desire to be with me any more. at all. that's it - he decided he's through with me.

overwhelmingly, more than anything else, I am so furious. I'm more pissed at myself than I am at him because I let it go, I let all this shit go, I said I was through and he convinced me to stay. he told me he loved me and said that I was his girl forever. then he fucking dropped me. the reason I feel like shit? because I let myself be treated like shit.

so I ask again: what the fuck do I do now.