last night I was in a really bad place with myself. I don't exactly feel like a million bucks right now (esp because my dinner last night consisted of a bowl of popcorn and sauvignon blanc), but at least I don't want to drop into a pathetic, self-loathing stupor.

part of my shittiness is that I'm questioning my relationship with steven again. the last time I was so iffy about things between us was his grad party when I hated myself for putting up with his endless amounts of shit almost as much as I hated him. it was an equally tough time for me to come to terms with allowing myself to be treated badly as it was for me to be with him again. I don't want to revisit that feeling, and in ways I'm back there again, wondering if this is right for me and for him.

I think this stems from my feelings about myself in general. I don't feel good in my own skin. the turn-down from SBM put me back at square one - emotionally and in reality, as I haven't exactly had any big offers since then from my dream job (not that SBM was my dream job). the interview yesterday with the mag I LOVE went really poorly, and it was for yet another non-paid internship. didn't my four years in college mean anything? hello? does anyone else have college loans up to their ears??!!

however, where last night planted my ass on the couch with a bowl of popcorn on my lap and a fat glass of wine firmly in my hand, today I'm seeing things a little differently - for myself at least. I'm motivated to adopt more self-improving strategies rather than self-deprecating ones. I really want a nice body and to feel good about my image. I have a wedding coming up (well, in a year), and I should look FABULOUS. I bet if I'm (finally) successful once again in one area of my life, then that energy will flow into other areas, and I'll attract good things (like jobs!). I want to regain the confidence I was once so notorious for, the take-no-shit attitude that helped me say, "people may think I'm a bitch, but at least they'll never think they can walk all over me." I need that anger, that vitality, because so much of this job-searching and self-searching makes me feel so inadequate and useless to the world.

success will come to me. I just have to create it.