I'm a little out of practice.

this post is mainly designed so that I don't decide to freak out at work. it's a necessary distraction. it's a leap into a safe place so that I don't spiral into a world of misery.

basically, today is one of those days that I hate my job and I need to chill the fuck out.

my faith in being here for a reason is dwindling...I thought, look thea: this is a great place with a great mission, you're getting paid, you're getting benefits, it's steady. but I'm a fucking receptionist. and I'm tired of getting calls from bill collectors because I can't pay them.

and...

all right, the list can go on and on, but it's not a good idea for me to perseverate on the bad since it's already fucking with my head as is. I think my period is on the way out which is why today isn't a GREAT day.

I get so frustrated for those reasons cited, but I get extra frustrated when I think that I SO could be working 'upstairs' with the creds I have. again, I need to chill out and bide my time. things happen when I'm patient - or, rather, I'm a lot more relaxed and happy if I don't dwell on the shortcomings of my present situation.

god, I hope and hope that the marketing/development job works out in the future! I hope I can stick it out in the meantime! I think everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I just need another boost in faith!

in other news, eric and I are in good standing after more than a few blowouts in the last 3-4 months. this summer was tough, even tougher than when his dad lived with us. I came home one night to a locked house and serious bullshit on his part, so I moved my shit OUT. we eventually worked through the worst of it and only recently had another big fight. that one sent me to my mom's for a weekend for some much-needed time away, and we settled back into good things.

I'm set to move out of my aparment (officially) by the middle of october. eric told me a while ago that he was hoping to buy me a sparkly piece of jewelry by next spring. very exciting! however, the air conditioner broke at our house, so we might have to wait for any crazy plans to happen until that's fixed. oh, life.

eric just played REM in the undercover weekend last week. it was awesome...who knew he could play a homosexual in makeup so well?! he did great. I personally think they stole the show, and the RFT wrote them up well.

on the familial front, kristin and tim are still married, though tim can forget that he's no longer a bachelor - he's a dad and a husband. frustrating at times for us and kristin. sylvia needs to get counseling because she's struggling with her current role as mom - it's what she wants, yet she's seemingly always MISERABLE and is making us all accodingly crazy. mom and tim are great. jill and brian are coming in town early october. jill recently got hit by a truck; it smashed her foot fairly badly, but she's ok (...for having been hit by a freakin truck). mac is adorable; he and toby are slowwwwwly getting used to each other. malachi and myella are getting bigger and more beautiful every day. eric's mom sent him a bday card. his dad is more tolerable. his sister is more selfish.

that's the update. maybe more to come soon...

tomorrow is my dad's birthday.

I'm at work, and it's a saturday, so I have time to journal for once. I don't write much these days, and I'm not sure why. it may have something to do with my reasonable assumption that I'm not made to be a writer. perhaps I'm just busy. otherwise, I'm happy, and happier posts are so lame to re-read.

I've been tentatively planning my wedding to the teacher. I'm horribly in love with him, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I keep bringing it up to him, which will likely blow up in my face if he's simply not ready, but I can't help it...to quote harry, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you pretty much want that to start as soon as possible."

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to let other things go, however. I still act silly every time I talk to my neighbor because I'm still attracted to him - though our conversations aren't anything to write home about. I have dreams with steven in them almost every other night. why is that?? I don't want anything to DO with him anymore. I cringe when I think about aspects of our relationship, of the days - weeks, months! - of me waiting and wanting connection and getting less than nothing from him. I hate that I would have settled for something so mediocre, so not me, so alton. I realize every day that eric has been my salvation...not in the 'jesus saves' sense, but in my downward spiral into self-annihilation sense that I always end up doing in my low times.

my life is progressing so far. I'm waiting for nursing school, and I might just do respiratory therapy instead because I need to start making some real dough. I'm working full time at rj now, so I have more money to my name than I've been used to as of late, which is nice...but I know how shitty it is to work in a job with no creative outlet, no way of advancing, and little appreciation from the boss people.

I took mac to the vet today and got his shots and a physical. it cost me $130. considering I have to buy food for him before I leave for our trip, I almost shit my pants. but he's healthy and protected! that makes me happy.

speaking of our trip, eric and I are leaving in 5 days to go west! the trip will start on the evening of may 20 and go through may 30 or 31. we'll drive to the tetons and jackson hole, then north through the southern entrance of yellowstone, see old faithful and the yellostone grand canyon, out the western entrance, up into idaho, around the arco loop, into stanley at the foot of the sawtooths, south into ketchum to see papa, then through idaho falls to get to pocatello, and, finally, home.

while it's going to be awesome, I'm a little wary of the trip because it's 11 days together, mostly in a car, dealing with what could potentially be stressful situations, worrying about money, etc. etc. etc. we're approaching our 1-year mark, and that usually means that a couple starts to stop being polite to each other....I hope that doesn't happen.

also, I was originally thinking that eric might propose to me during our trip. I have no idea if that will actually happen, especially since I have no idea how he'd be able to buy a ring these days with money as tight as it is. I keep hounding him to marry me on a whim because the wedding hype is SO overrated.

any of this is possible. we have tons to do tomorrow, including cooking some meals before we leave, buying food and last-minute supplies, and beginning the packing process. I need to drop mac off at my mom's soon, and I also need to go to my gpa's house to check out his vehicle and trailer. I think bringing the camper is our best bet, but it will be a hassle too. I hope it all works out. I also have to do start some laundry...the list continues...

in other news, I'm playing soccer again - on three teams!! one of my colleagues asked me to play, then (and trust me, I feel terrible about this) tore her ACL. so now I'm covering her spot on two other teams. it's crazy, let me tell you...I LOVE to play, but I'm wearing myself out paying for the leagues and playing my butt off. some of my teammates were (sort of) fighting over my playing for them, which is silly (since I may not be as good as they think) but certainly boosts my confidence. I love my thurs team, and I really enjoy playing outside on sundays. mondays are great, too, since I'm on the field, but sometimes those girls drive me nuts.

in family news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. when I let myself think about it, I really get sad. I miss him. I wish he could have met eric. I wanted so much for my dad to get old.

in other family news, my sister kristin had her baby - yay! her name is myella, courtesy of aunt thea. I was subconciously brainstorming one day and that name popped into my head. and voila! she's myella!! her water broke in the early morning hours of april 27, and she pushed her out (with my mom and me holding up her legs) at 7:31am on april 28. so neat! so cool to be there.

also, malachi turns one next week! this year has FLOWN by. I might miss his birthday party, but celebrating the first year of his life is exciting nonetheless.

jordan turns 8 tomorrow, I went to her first communion a few weeks ago and got to see my godson and another one of the babies I've been fortunate enough to see born. such a gift!

I think that's it. lots of months for me to catch up and write about... I'll try to visit more often. ciao.

as always, this is a way to put off what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm at rj working right now and though tonight hasn't been difficult, I'm trying not to be a massive bitch. I'm tired and ready to go home and eat chicken tenders and french fries, of all things. geez. one day I'm hoping it'll get a little easier.

I bitch about this shit and I'm sitting next to a kid who struggles so fully to mainstream and be as 'normal' as possible. what does that tell you? I need to modify my perception of how terrible my life is...because it's not.

my sister said something yesterday that hurt my feelings so badly that I don't want to talk to her for a few days. she mentioned how she doesn't like to call me anymore because I lament, or, in her words, throw it in her face that I work so much. it bothered me because I don't have the option of not working, and I wish I could spend even a fraction of my time the way she does.

I'm also really sensitive to my loved ones in my life saying anything about not spending any time with them lately. I get that I've been awol; I get that I'm often to busy to do anything with them. I understand that I'm not giving them the time that I used to. it breaks my heart and I don't like that part of this transitional time in my life. but I'm not going to taint my little piece of happiness because everyone else is unhappy with that decision. I can't be everything to everyone else anymore. I'm not always available to be everyone's 'go-to' person, even if they didn't think of me that way. I'm not willing to drop what I'm doing because someone has made plans and wants me to tag along. don't get me wrong; I sound like an asshole for assuming that people want to spend all sorts of time with me. the truth is, I just want to do my own thing and not catch crap for it.

I'm really on the defensive about this because I know I'm fucking up somewhere along the lines. I don't want to stop being friends with the people in my life just because I have a great boyfriend, but I don't want to feel so fucking guilty for choosing eric over most other people.

I should call natalie. I should call ryan. I should spend time with both of them. I should stop bitching about it all so much and do the right thing.

but what the fuck is that?

I also need to address with eric the other half of my concern: him. in the past, he's gotten really upset when I want to spend an evening with one of my friends, usually natalie. he wants to do things together, and generally we are each other's 'plans.' but I do want to go out sometimes with just a few people, or just ryan, or just natalie. I desperately need an evening with just brittany. in order to keep the peace with eric, I should probably figure this shit out prior to pissing him off. I don't want to end up feeling claustrophobic. I love that kid too much.

I think, too, that things have the potential of evening out when his dad moves out and I subsequently move in. I shouldn't be in a hurry, but things are progressing, like it or not. it makes sense for us to really start sharing the load. also, it'll be easier for us to spend time together and apart because no matter what, we'd be living together. brittany could come over. natalie could come over. ryan could come over. sylvia could come over.

sylvia could be my freaking sister again.

that's another day, another conversation.

the problem at this point with moving in is that eric is avoiding the situtation on many levels. I don't blame him; avoidance is my defense mechanism when there's too much shit to deal with. his family is putting a lot on his shoulders and it's not right. it's ridiculous what they're asking him to do - like his mom telling him to call his dad's lawyers to make them stop filing a lawsuit. that's entirely her problem, and I think it's bullshit she and his dad are dragging him into it so heavily. they don't know that he wakes up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. they don't know that their bullshit is putting a huge strain on his teaching and his relationship with me. they have no fucking clue because they don't give a shit. it sucks so bad...

he needs to talk to his dad about setting up a timeline for when he gets out of eric's house. he is a grown man and should not be relying on his son to fix things for him. he needs to get his shit together. I'm so mad about the whole situation that it makes me physically nauseous to spend time around some of his family. I just want eric to man up and kick him out. OUT

ok enough bitching. I need to study!

here's lookin at you, kid.

life is going well these days, mostly. I still lie awake a few days a week worrying about money, my life, school, my relationship with eric, and so on. I know it doesn't do me any good, but I can't help thinking about everything on my plate.



this is the school story: I'm currently trying to get in the program at forest park or even meremac. that way I'm only spending less than $10,000 for my RN instead of the $37,000 for my BSN. with me and eric talking long-term (like, forever), I can't in good conscience take out another gazillion dollars to pay for my education. I won't do it.



so. at this point, the biggest thing stopping me from getting things really done and moving is me. I have such a hard time doing all the grown-up bullshit...it's like I freak out and avoid it altogether. I can cop out and say that it's because of all my baggage, but I have to move on, forgive my past, and take care of fuckin business.



today I'm hoping to look over the practice dosage test and then take it next week at fo po. I then need to talk to another advisor about signing up for the nursing gig and continuing those steps with vigor. I have to look into financial aid and any kind of grants I can get. this will happen sooner than later, and I can have a better attitude about it all because that's what will get me through this. everyone else in my life supports and believes in me; why can't I?



in other news, eric and I really are talking about the future. he said specifically last night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. it's not the first time that's come up in our conversations, which thrills me everytime I think about it. I love the idea of being his wife, of him being my husband. and that's not it; it's more than an idea between me and him. it's so much more tangible than that. I remember telling him in the beginning of our relationship that I've never been anything but myself around him, and that's still the truth.



I can see waking up with him every day, I can see making babies with him, I can see him being an incredible father, I see him being a part of my family, I see him with me always. I'm so freakin crazy about that kid. I love touching him. I love talking to him. I love hearing and watching him sing and including me in his musical life. every day I fall more in love with him, and I thank the high heavens for sending him to me. this is what I was waiting for. all those silly romantic songs about finally finding that one person really do have some merit. we make so much sense together where steven and I didn't. what steven and I had in passion is more than made up for in eric's love, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, drive, confidence, caring....I could keep going on and on. the passion I feel (or felt) with steven keeps waning as I feel more and more passionate about eric.



ok, enough super sappy talk. the bones of it is that I have finally fallen in love with a stand-up guy. I told him the other day that I was so, so lucky to have found him. I always wait for the bottom to drop out in my life, but I see no real bottom with him. I think he loves me and wants to be with me too. I think I knew since the beginning that I could see a real future with him, and while it killed me to wait around for him to come to any realization on his own, my patience paid off. he asked me a few weeks ago that he wanted us to move in together. he's said more than once that he hopes and plans to get married to me. he regularly melds our lives together in the future tense; when I mentioned 'my dog, Mac..." he corrected me and said 'our dog!' I'm so excited to have someone who wants to share his life with me. I'm excited every morning to wake up with him. how cool is that?



...



we got into a huge fight the other day. huge screaming match in the middle of the night. I was so angry that I got my dog and my purse and tried calling someone to come pick me up (at 2am). things ended up ok, obviously, but it was fairly dramatic. the basis of the fight has to do (again) with his questioning my level of commitment, and that it really bothers him if I mention other guys in my life. it started with me getting a text from steven. why the fuck was he texting me anyway??! but he did. he wanted me to come over or something, and he said he still loves me. he was really drunk, of course, so I sent one text back telling him to have fun and be careful, but no, I'm not coming out to see him.

so when I told this to eric, that's when the fight started - the fight that we were supposed to have had weeks ago. we duked it out and got a lot of shit on the table, but I walked away without feeling settled about any one thing. he was so patronizing and didn't take what I said seriously. I couldn't tell why...? like, does he just think I'm some silly young girl he can't take seriously?? it drives me nuts. I'm so much more mature and level-headed than so many females my age, first of all, and secondly, my concerns were legitimate. I mentioned the fact that I thought his relationship with the band girls sometimes bordered on inappropriate, and he called it a 'moot point.' what the fuck? ok, I get it, I don't have anything to worry about. but it's not a 'moot point' because it bothers and concerns me, which really was my biggest argument.

what I really hate about the whole scenario is that I walked away feeling like shit. I also have all of this anxiety about the littlest things because I don't know what's going to bother him or set him off. I hate that he harbors those feelings and then explodes on me later. I have no idea if he's even mad till it's way too late. I'm a 'fixer'; I like to make things better, and I can't begin to do that if he refuses to address the problem head on.

I actually mentioned this to him the other day. his mom is being really ugly throughout the divorce, and while some of her actions are unfounded, I think that many of them are a result of her harboring anger and resentment so long that it's coming out in an explosive and henceforth destructive way. eric does the same thing, though he's obviously not nearly as awful as his mom has been. so I approached him when we were getting along and in a 'safe' place (metaphorically speaking) and I asked him if he thought that his mom was perhaps dealing with her past feelings now. I then said that he does the same thing, and he's in danger of dealing with them negatively like she is if he doesn't attend to the problem initially.

his response was that he's had this conversation a hundred times before, that that's the way he is, and that he holds things in. I told him that he may have talked about it before, but not with me, and he may have always been that way, but he doesn't have to be. I asked him to make a concerted effort to address shit in the present because...well, because shit is better fixed, is all.

to further update on the eric situation, this morning he told me that when his dad moves out (he said hopefully by the summer...gulp...I was hoping by january), I'm going to move in with him. he's then going to pick up a summer job and start saving for my ring...! we both want a short engagement and a small wedding, probably at blumenhof. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I asked him if he knew the tradition of spending a certain amount on my ring, and he said, "yeah, two months' pay, right?" I'm like whoa! no thanks! I don't need anything fancy! but it was cute, all the same.

I can't wait to really get started on my life with him. I can't bloody wait.

I spent most of my evening at home, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I read my book for a while (I'm reading 'fall on your knees') and then remembered to eat and do a few things around my apartment.

I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.

the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.

brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.

britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!

the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.

it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.

I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.

no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.

is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....

but man, my heart won't listen to reason.

not again.

today is eric's birthday. he's 31. in other news, I overdrafted on my account for the first time today. too bad it was because I had to buy ingredients for eric's birthday cake (which is sitting in the refrigerator because I haven't seen him since sunday) and a pregnancy test. those are just the two transactions that I didn't catch before I drained my savings to save my ass; I also bought a $50+ bottle of glenlivet. for my boyfriend. for his birthday. he's 31. I'm reallllllly happy for him.


I probably shouldn't be spending this time alone being so bitter.




this is what bothers me the most about right now, this moment: I've been here before. I've fucking been here. I never wanted to do this again, and here I am. fuck, I could be pregnant right now with no idea whether the father gives a shit about me.

moments like these make me question what could be wrong with me that makes guys think I'm so expendable? I've asked this question before. I've wondered it many times over....I've got to be doing something wrong.

for all I know it's just a fluke lately, that we've both been really busy and it's so hard to coordinate our schedules. but I can't do that so early in the game. I think it's atrocious that we live less than ten minutes away and can't manage to see each other till the weekend. it's ridiculous that eric doesn't want to be friends on facebook or whatever because he'd rather connect with me, the real person, but we don't even connect......?

it sucks so bad because I'm generally a very laid-back person and I think that it's equally important for a couple to have time apart as much as they spend together. it's when things become uneven that it becomes a really problem for me. I want to start sharing my life with someone, and I can't keep allowing myself to be put on the backburner with all these (albeit legitimate) excuses. it's not fair.


I keep thinking about all the times with steven that I was miserably uninvolved. I was sitting here earlier, pissed off, re-thinking and re-evaluating everything between me and eric, and then getting more pissed off....here I am, with this unbelievable guy, and I'm so furious I could throw shit. it's the feeling of being left out and unwanted and not important that absolutely incenses me. uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! dammit, I don't care how great he is, that's bullshit! I don't want to DO THIS anymore! I don't want to constantly feel like this....fuck, I don't ever want to feel this way again! it's not fucking fair. not. fucking. fair.

and you know louise hay would say that I'm responsible for feeling this way. I know I'm horribly insecure and have a bajillion deserve issues, and that has almost everything to do with the way I'm feeling. actually, it has everything to do with it, but it's important to me to hold him accountable for his end. I thought I meant more to him than this................?


do I............................?



is it so much to ask to mean something????????????????? the here and now feels so much better than the retrospect, the I miss you I love you come back, the why did you leave.......?


................the I'm gonna.



I'm mad at myself too - totally furious. I fucked the shit out my money and didn't respect it, and now I'm in a bind with the bank and probably at least two places as a result of this. I'm mad, too, that I somehow made it ok for someone to treat me like this again. it's not a big deal, I know! but it's a big deal to me.


I purged myself of steven, and trying to rid my new relationships of as much of the shit as I can. I know I have the strength to get through it, but my heart is bound to just harden eventually and I'm not going to let that fucking happen. it would all be for nought if that happened.


all for nought.

I'm babbling now, but I can't release it till I get it all out. last year I think on steven's birthday I wrote a post that was so painful that it's hard for me to read it. I don't want that again. I don't want any of that again.

there is a point and time when I stop searching for my happiness and contentment and a place called home, and I'll come home, take off my shoes, look around me, and know that I've found it. I'm close. I'm just not there yet.

it's been a while.

ok, I have to admit to myself that I create my own drama.



this week has been weird. well, the last couple of weeks have been weird. I turned 25 just the other day, and I'm feeling every minute of my age. the day was fun and laid-back....I worked that morning at 6, went to class, went on a run with mac, went out to dinner with eric, then out with natalie. I got rip-roaring drunk, called and texted people all night, kissed some guy at the bar, threw up on the way home more than once, spent the entire next day recovering, and got into a fight with eric. I also managed to get into contact once again with dreamy neighbor who proceeded to text me dirty messages the whole next day - a welcome and unwelcome gesture.



last week I went to alton with eric and brittany so eric could experience the block party. it was an ok night overall, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder, which was my fault. I spent almost all my money and I had to drive britt and eric home. we saw steven that night too....it fuckin freaked me out. b and I wanted eric to see the beagle since we'd been there so many times in the past, and lo and behold, steven was there. I saw him the last moment before we walked inside from the patio. so we sat down inside and ordered. in the meantime, b saw steven and started kicking the shit out of my shins to let me know. since I have a radar that detects my steven, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I would see him that night. sooooooo we decided to move to the other side of the bar to avoid contact; I didn't know how steven would react to my being there with another guy. luckily things went off without a hitch.





the adventures continue. my boss had a get-together at his place earlier in the week in honor of chad, alex and aaron's return, so I went. it was a lot of fun - till chad started grabbing my butt and hitting on me. I mean, when you've been mildly obsessed with someone like I've been for him, it's hard not to react in his favor. but I love eric, and I can't continue to sabotage my love life. it's unproductive. anyway, I went home early because I had to be at work at 6am. chad continued to text me and suddenly my phone rang around 130 or 2am - it was him. we talked for a while, and he all but made the offer to come over and...whatnot. I obviously declined, mostly because I just can't sleep with someone who's already slept with my sister. when I told him this, he proceeded to tell me that he has no feelings for her and that he thinks I'm much cuter than she is. ok, 1. I don't care about his feelings. I'm still not sleeping with him. and 2. telling me my sisters are anything less than totally and completely beautiful will put you on my short list.



I thought about my encounter with chad. I was so fucking floored by it. I assumed he was just naturally flirty, not interested. or maybe he's not interested and just wanting to get in my pants? that's extremely plausible, especially with him leaving in a couple of days for CT. but now I'm all verklemmt. and totally satisfied - I mean, I'm not going to sleep with him, the end. but knowing that he wanted to sleep with me was enough to satiate my need to know whether he was interested or not. it's the most hands-off sex I've ever had.



anyway, there is always 'more.' thursday I went out with natalie again, and we went to jive. I was so convinced that there would be a minor amount of drama that night that I decided to create my own: by texting steven. he responded almost immedately, much to my surprise/chagrin/horror. he started by being really argumentative, and I had to backpedal quite a bit, saying I was sorry I texted him at all. then he began asking me if everything was ok, and why did I text him, and how did I still have his number, and all these other things. so we went back and forth for a while, and I finally just called him (I was so tired I could barely stay awake to text, and besides....my thumbs were worn out.



...we ended up talking for almost 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. it was a really great conversation. we were able to get a lot of shit out on the table and explain things we were never able to talk about before. he said he missed me 'every damn day of the week' and he loves me still. I had to tell him that I missed him and loved him too (though it wasn't that hard to admit). we both agreed that we can't be friends because we don't have an in between; we're either together, or we're not talking. we're either having sex or we're fighting. we're either kissing and loving each other or we're not touching at all. 'friends' is not an option with thea and steven.



it was so wonderful to hear his voice though. I can't not admit it. I'm not so gravitationally drawn towards him that I can't function and I'm no longer in love with my bf, but we're so universally connected that I can't deny it; I have to be honest and just fuckin embrace it. I did tell him I have a boyfriend and that we've been dating for a couple of months. he said he was happy for me and that I deserved the best....and he wasn't it. he admitted I was the best thing in his life and that he purposely threw it all away because he was so scared of being (or not being) exactly what I needed and wanted...and deserved.

it was a weight lifted off of me, talking to him. I can put the phone back down and not feel the need to contact him. he said the night I saw him he thought the bald guy (eric) was jeremy, so thank god. it may have changed things. however, he's so....balanced? calm? something. he's still same old steven, but I could've talked to him for hours. he's so raw right now, like we were able to shed a lot of bullshit in our time apart. he said he isn't dating anyone (I don't think) and I didn't think he was looking to get back together or anything. I honestly think he wants me to be happy. I honestly believe it when he says he loves me and wants the best for me.

something else he mentioned was the fact that the last thing he wanted to do was move in together. he was really nervous about ruining everything we had together by driving each other crazy with daily living conditions (brushing teeth, doing laundry, riding the couch), which is respectable. no, you know what it is? it's the truth. he wasn't ready to grow up. he probably still isn't. not being with me might be a huge burden lifted from him - which is sad, but interesting. or something.

I still don't know how exactly to feel about it all, but I know a few things: I love steven. I told him so. I miss him. I told him that too. I want the best for him. I made sure I knew that. and I know that if our world keeps spinning like it does, we'll end up together. somehow. someday.

I'm not hoping for that. I wish I could take back so much of what we had. I wish I still had so much of what I already blocked out. but there are some things I just know.


and I know steven will be a part of my life again one day, probably a long time from now.