tomorrow is my dad's birthday.

I'm at work, and it's a saturday, so I have time to journal for once. I don't write much these days, and I'm not sure why. it may have something to do with my reasonable assumption that I'm not made to be a writer. perhaps I'm just busy. otherwise, I'm happy, and happier posts are so lame to re-read.

I've been tentatively planning my wedding to the teacher. I'm horribly in love with him, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I keep bringing it up to him, which will likely blow up in my face if he's simply not ready, but I can't help it...to quote harry, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you pretty much want that to start as soon as possible."

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to let other things go, however. I still act silly every time I talk to my neighbor because I'm still attracted to him - though our conversations aren't anything to write home about. I have dreams with steven in them almost every other night. why is that?? I don't want anything to DO with him anymore. I cringe when I think about aspects of our relationship, of the days - weeks, months! - of me waiting and wanting connection and getting less than nothing from him. I hate that I would have settled for something so mediocre, so not me, so alton. I realize every day that eric has been my salvation...not in the 'jesus saves' sense, but in my downward spiral into self-annihilation sense that I always end up doing in my low times.

my life is progressing so far. I'm waiting for nursing school, and I might just do respiratory therapy instead because I need to start making some real dough. I'm working full time at rj now, so I have more money to my name than I've been used to as of late, which is nice...but I know how shitty it is to work in a job with no creative outlet, no way of advancing, and little appreciation from the boss people.

I took mac to the vet today and got his shots and a physical. it cost me $130. considering I have to buy food for him before I leave for our trip, I almost shit my pants. but he's healthy and protected! that makes me happy.

speaking of our trip, eric and I are leaving in 5 days to go west! the trip will start on the evening of may 20 and go through may 30 or 31. we'll drive to the tetons and jackson hole, then north through the southern entrance of yellowstone, see old faithful and the yellostone grand canyon, out the western entrance, up into idaho, around the arco loop, into stanley at the foot of the sawtooths, south into ketchum to see papa, then through idaho falls to get to pocatello, and, finally, home.

while it's going to be awesome, I'm a little wary of the trip because it's 11 days together, mostly in a car, dealing with what could potentially be stressful situations, worrying about money, etc. etc. etc. we're approaching our 1-year mark, and that usually means that a couple starts to stop being polite to each other....I hope that doesn't happen.

also, I was originally thinking that eric might propose to me during our trip. I have no idea if that will actually happen, especially since I have no idea how he'd be able to buy a ring these days with money as tight as it is. I keep hounding him to marry me on a whim because the wedding hype is SO overrated.

any of this is possible. we have tons to do tomorrow, including cooking some meals before we leave, buying food and last-minute supplies, and beginning the packing process. I need to drop mac off at my mom's soon, and I also need to go to my gpa's house to check out his vehicle and trailer. I think bringing the camper is our best bet, but it will be a hassle too. I hope it all works out. I also have to do start some laundry...the list continues...

in other news, I'm playing soccer again - on three teams!! one of my colleagues asked me to play, then (and trust me, I feel terrible about this) tore her ACL. so now I'm covering her spot on two other teams. it's crazy, let me tell you...I LOVE to play, but I'm wearing myself out paying for the leagues and playing my butt off. some of my teammates were (sort of) fighting over my playing for them, which is silly (since I may not be as good as they think) but certainly boosts my confidence. I love my thurs team, and I really enjoy playing outside on sundays. mondays are great, too, since I'm on the field, but sometimes those girls drive me nuts.

in family news, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. when I let myself think about it, I really get sad. I miss him. I wish he could have met eric. I wanted so much for my dad to get old.

in other family news, my sister kristin had her baby - yay! her name is myella, courtesy of aunt thea. I was subconciously brainstorming one day and that name popped into my head. and voila! she's myella!! her water broke in the early morning hours of april 27, and she pushed her out (with my mom and me holding up her legs) at 7:31am on april 28. so neat! so cool to be there.

also, malachi turns one next week! this year has FLOWN by. I might miss his birthday party, but celebrating the first year of his life is exciting nonetheless.

jordan turns 8 tomorrow, I went to her first communion a few weeks ago and got to see my godson and another one of the babies I've been fortunate enough to see born. such a gift!

I think that's it. lots of months for me to catch up and write about... I'll try to visit more often. ciao.